Ornstein and Smough Go On an Epic Quest of Infinite Discovery for Groceries

Ah... another day in sunny Canterlot: the birds singing, skies clear and blue, and... of course, Smough and Ornstein terrorizing another shopkeeper for skimping on the weekly 'Keep Ornstein and Smough from fucking all your shit up' tax, implemented by none other than Ornstein and Smough themselves. Alas, Celestia just couldn't figure out what to do with these two. About a week after ruining the royal wedding by dumping a cake five times her size on the bride, they had returned from their not-quite-long-enough 'disappearance'. Now, Shining Armour was elsewhere, with his bride, Cadence, on their honeymoon, leaving Celestia and Luna alone with the dynamic duo of death. So, with no way to stop these two but to keep them distracted, what was the princess of the sun to do? Send them to get groceries, of course. So, that chore in mind, as well as the fading hope that they wouldn't screw this up like they did when she sent the two to protect one of her ambassadors on a trip to the dragon lands (which, thanks to Ornstein, ended in utter, almost irreversible disaster), Celestia called the two sunbros forth to her chambers, eager to be rid of the two for as long as it took them. So, with utmost attentiveness and itchy buttocks, the two now stood before Celestia herself, ready to argue with anything the sun princess said. And finally, after a while of standing and silence, Celestia spoke.

"Alright, I know you two will find some way to make me regret it, but... I need you for a task of great, near-immeasurable importance." Celestia said at last, sighing mentally at the horror she was probably going to unleash upon the world.

"Of course, O gigantic sun-butt! What wouldst thy most many of chins request of us, your roundness?" Ornstein said excitedly, streaming off fat jokes without a pause between. Celestia, understandably, almost exploded on them for that, but maintained her calm, for she would soon not have to see these two for a while, if all went well.

"Yesss... I require you two... to pick up the royal groceries for today." Celestia spoke, and Ornstein and Smough simply looked at her, heads cocked to the side in confusion, and then to each other, before turning back to her.
"I want you to pick up some groceries, and come back. Not go to some kindom to slay some tyrant, not start a war with the dragons again. Just. Get. Groceries." She said In an unintentionally menacing tone, not that it scared the bros.

"Groceries? You're... sending us... to get groceries?" Ornstein asked finally, his voice full of confusion. Then, he and Smough looked at each other for a good while, seeming to just stare at one another, to the untrained eye, but in fact, they were commuting telepathically to each other, using their long-established, bros-only mental link.

"Waddaya think, Smogles? Think she's finally lost her marbles?" Ornstein asked his eternal sunbro.

"Hard to say, bro. I don't think she's hollow yet, but it's hard to know until we act. I say we go for it." Smough telepathically replied, and Ornstein scrunched up his face in thought, and 'spoke' to Smough again:

"Are you sure? It could be a convoluted, overly-complicated plot to get rid of us!" Ornstein exclaimed through the bro-link, but this did not frighten Smough the Stoic.

"We must try, Ornstein. Otherwise, what is our word but empty speech? Besides, She's been trying to get rid of us for a year now. What makes you think it'll work this time?" Smough asked, and Ornstein made no gesture, but both understood Smough's words to be true. And now, they had finished their silent discussion, and Smough was the first to speak:

"Very well, O largest of royalty. It will be done!" Smough said, and the two set out, not very eager to complete their quest, but whatever.

Meanwhile, though, Celestia stared at the two as they left, still wondering if she had made the right decision by setting these two loose, without her to keep what little of a leash she had on them.

But then again, how bad could it be? With such simple task at hand, even these two couldn't POSSIBLY screw it up...

...Right?

LATER

"I'm tellin' you Smough, she's crazy. I'd know. If we went on a journey though the multiverse, and we will, it HAS happened before, It's undoubtedly gonna be her fault. This simply HAS to be a trap." Ornstein said surely, looking over his shoulders for possible assassins that should have been there, but unfortunately weren't.

"Hey. First of all, She's likely just a little stressed. Second, There IS no trap, you're just being paranoid. Besides, I'm big enough to squash anyone stupid enough to gank us." Smough retorted.

"With or without the armor?" Ornstein asked flatly, invoking the Executioner's ire.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean? I'm a good-lookin' guy, Certainly not fat." Smough commented meekly, and Ornstein retorted swiftly, further heckling his Solar-guarding brother.

"Under all five tones of that armor maybe. But let's face it; that armor makes Santa Claus look like a Slim-Jim." Ornstein countered, but Smough stood silent for a moment, and shrugged.

"Eh, at least I'm not Havel." Smough said, and both burst into light mirth at the mention of the over-popularized bishop of Gwyn. However, their laughter was short-lived as the duo looked around and, with great horror, realized something truly unsettling: They weren't in Equestria any more.

Celestia watched the two lunatics leave, and watched them walk out the castle door, into town to complete their task. But still, a feeling most unpleasant still befell her, and she knew they were going to find some way to fuck this up, because that's what they do: Screw everything up so epicly, no living thing could ever rival them in the sheer concept of fail they exude when attempting any given task. And lo, just as they neared the store, to Celestia's horror and expectations, a portal had suddenly opened up In front of the idiots and swallowed them whole, made worse by the fact that they just walk right into it as if it were the most casual thing in the world.

"What... have I done..." Celestia asked rhetorically, a face of sheer terror etched onto her face as the thought of what horrible repercussions would come of this grandiose farce. This couldn't be happening, she thought, but the more she stared at where the two warriors once stood, the more it dawned on her: They were gone, left to do any number of unspeakable horrors to whomever they pleased, without her to keep a chain on them. Without those two restrained by here strict rules, who knows how many lives were at stake. Never before was Celestia so terrified for the untold numbers of lives now at stake, and she promptly ran off to inform her sister of this, hoping to at least find the two sunbros, wherever they may be, so that the situation would have even the slightest chance of salvation.

Later

Smough and Ornstein looked around their new surroundings, pondering: Where was this place? How did they get here from the road leading to the store? And, most importantly of all...

"Where... the fuck... is the sun!?" Ornstein asked, looking to the dark, star-filled sky in as much dismay as he could possibly muster, tears filling his eyes as he gazed upon the void where his most beloved, beautiful of stars used to dwell.

"Ornstein, please, be calm! There has to be a logical answer to all this!" Smough pleaded, ever being the more rational of the two. But Ornstein did not listen, and continued to wail his anguish to the heavens, letting all in an exactly 28-mile radius know of his pain and loss as he gripped Smough, shaking him violently.

"Nooooo!!! The sun is GONE, Smough! GONE!!! And not even NEAR the time it is supposed to rest! This isn't possible! There is no logic in this place, Smough! ONLY DARKNESS AND EVIL!!!" Ornstein cried, and then the proud knight of the sun proceeded to curl into a fetal position and place his thumb against his helmet, as if sucking it. Thus, with much futility, Smough tried to retrieve his maddened friend from the clutches of madness, but to little avail; Ornstein was simply beyond help, and Smough was so very close to giving up himself. But then, out of nowhere, a rustling in the dead vegetation was heard by the two, and they bolted upright, wary of an impending ambush of whatever horrors lurked in this land of perpetual darkness.

"Ornstein, did you hear that?" Asked Smough, nerves shot and adrenaline pumping, as Ornstein replied:

"Of course. It is no doubt the abominations that dwell within this abysmal, lightless land come to feast upon us, the last true believers of the most sacred star in the sky!" Ornstein exclaimed accusingly, and the rustling occurred again, but with greater intensity. And then, the two brandished weapons, eager to destroy whatever opposed them.

"Smough... when we're done here, I hope to find the one who has taken my beloved sun, and destroy them!" Ornstein exclaimed at last as the sounds of movement drew near, and Smough promptly responded:

"We will, Ser Ornstein, we will! You will not go un-avenged, O beloved sun!" Smough yelled, but as he did, the movement stopped, causing the two warriors to look around, hearts pounding, and heads confused as to the reason of the sudden silence.

"What... It stopped..?" Smough asked, and Ornstein opened his mouth to speak, when an unseen mouth opened before his, and spoke before he had a chance:

"You speak of the sun as if you have seen it before, strangers... Just from where do you hail?" The voice asked, and a faint rustling was heard, getting closer, but the two sunbros answered it without fear or thought, eager to meet the treacherous speaker in combat.

"We are the true adherents of the sun, the warriors from the land of Sunlight, Ornstein and Smough!" Ornstein answered. And as if on cue, Smough spoke next to the odd voice that dare ask of their names:

"We hail from the land of Equestria, a land you doubtlessly have never heard of, judging by the inherent and all-consuming darkness here. Now, where are we, and who are you to challenge us so? Speak now!" Smough ordered, and the invisible creatures stopped moving, and all became deathly silent as an oppressive wave of judgement washed across the field. This silence lasted for a good while, but was eventually broken by the voice of one of the unseen stalkers; a question, in fact.

"... You say... you are from Equestria?" The voice asked, and the knight and the executioner both looked at each other, and thus replied:

"Yes... have you heard of it, by chance? We would desperately like to return there." Smough calmly asked, but the voices hesitated, whispering amongst themselves in tones uncaught by either Fatty or Beanpole, and soon replied something that chilled them both to their bones, more so than the already-frigid night air:

"... Impossible... This is Equestria, and the sun has not shone here for thousands of years." A small voice replied, and Smough and Ornstein immediately reeled back in an exaggerated expression of their surprise.

"What!?!? This is BLASPHEMY! THIS IS MADNESS!! THIS IS SPARTA!!!" Ornstein shouted in anger, stomping his boots and raising his spear in a bout of righteous anger. It was all Smough could do to hold him back from the disembodied voices, but he succeeded eventually, and Ornstein (reluctantly) calmed down in time for the voices to speak again.

"It is true, I'm afraid. Ever since that fateful summer festival many years ago, the sun has not risen since, and the night sky pervades all. In fact... it is odd to such brightly-dressed individuals as yourselves, as Mistress Nightmare Moon has banned all other shades of color but those worn by her night sky." A voice says, and Smough and Ornstein, in their infinite foresight, felt a terrible, sinking feeling of dread enter their respective guts, and the unseen creatures that had spoken to the two finally revealed themselves to the two, revealing themselves to be, well, ponies, as expected. But Ornstein and Smough still looked in horror at them, for their colors were nothing short of blasphemous: Dark fur, bright, cat-like eyes, dark armor and bat wings adorned the 'ponies', and though stunned, Ornstein still mustered all his senses and courage, and finally spoke.

"What... the actual... fuck..." Ornstein muttered loudly, not afraid to express his understandable confusion.

"This land... even the ponies have become twisted and dark!" Smough immediately replied, and the odd creatures looked at each other in confusion, the at the warriors, and replied themselves:

"I... I'm not sure what you're talking about. Ponies had all died out years ago, due to the Eternal Night Edict. We are thestrals, not ponies." The tallest of the bat-ponies said, and Ornstein, having had enough of this foolishness, raised his spear in front of him, and stood ready.

"Enough of this heresy! Stay back, horrid creatures of the abyss! Keep away from me, or I will be forced... to use FORCE!" Ornstein shouted, and the thestrals all jumped back as his spearhead lit up with streams of electricity, causing the area to glow with a bright, virtuous light. However, the thestrals did not appreciate this sudden burst of light, and proceeded to avert their eyes, pained expressions on their faces.

"Please... turn it off!" Cried one.

"My eyes! Make it stop!" Exclaimed another.

"It burns!!!" whimpered a third, and when all had backed up sufficiently, the Knight lowered his spear, stopping the flow of holy electricity through it. And, at last, Smough intervened, seeking to calm both parties.

"Please, everyone, just stop. Listen, we don't want any trouble, we just want to go back to OUR Equestria, so we can finish our job! Look, can any of you help us?" Smough asked, and after some blinking and eye-rubbing, a single bat-pony answered, still cowed by Ornstein's totally called-for display of power.

"Uh... I'm sorry, but... we don't even know how you got here, or what you even are! I'm sorry, but we..." the young thestral mare was quickly cut off as Ornstein jabbed his spear forward, pressing the tip against her neck. Then, the enraged Knight of Gwyn spoke, his voice full of anger and conviction:

"I swear to Gwyn, if you say 'We can't help you', I'm going to turn you into one deep-fried thestral! Understand?" Orstein asked, and the bat-pony quickly nodded, whimpering, and the others backed away, all officially afraid of the super-sized knight before them, and began to edge toward Smough. Not to ambush him, mind you, but simply for the hope that the massive executioner would get between them and the unreasonably angry Knight that just threatened to kill the youngest of their patrol If he ever decided to enact on that threat.

"Ornstein, stop being an ass. As far as I can tell, There's no way home, and torturing the little bat-pony-things isn't going to help us." Smough said valiantly, and the thestrals proceeded to go back out into the open, thankful that the more reasonable Executioner Smough had defended them so.

"It always worked in our Equestria..." Ornstein replied sullenly, but he still lowered his spear, his will to lift it slowly fading with his will to live.

"Well, this isn't our Equestria. But as far as I'm concerned, we can still make the most of it." Smough said, attempting to cheer up Ornstein. Indeed, it seemed to work, for as soon as those words left Smough's mouth, Ornstein looked up at his cheerful companion.

"Oh yeah? And how do we do that? The Nightmare bitch has taken my lord's beloved star from its rightful place in the sky! How do we make this situation better?" Ornstein sullenly asked, but Smough simply swung his hammer over his shoulder, frightening the thestrals briefly, and replied with a tone as bright as day:

"Simple, Orny ol' pal! We just do what we've been doing since we got to our original Equestria; drive the royalty nuts!" Smough exclaimed, and Ornstein, at last, straightened up, smiling beneath his lion-esque helmet, and lifted his spear again, eager to bash the skull of some royalty.

"So, Snorlax... you proposing a crusade?" Ornstein asked, hope and eagerness in his voice, and Smough nodded, smiling.

"Why, I was insinuating just that. Shall we topple the monarchy as we know it, Ornstein old chum?" Smough asked, and Ornstein grasped Smough's hand, and the two pulled into a bro-bump, setting their new goal in stone.

"Let's avenge the sun, bro." Ornstein replied simply, and then the massive knight turned to walk away, when the the thestrals stopped the two, shuffling awkwardly as if wanting something.

"Um, excuse me, sirs?" The leader asked nervously, and Ornstein was first to respond.

"Whatcha want, mutant?" Ornstein asked, and the thestrals backed away again, fearing the knight's wrath, but when it did not come, they stepped forward again, and hesitantly begged their audience:

"Well... you see, I'm glad you two have found purpose, but... I'm afraid we have to arrest you now." the little bat-pony said, and Ornstein and Smough looked at each other for a moment, and then at the thestral, before laughing as hard as they could possibly manage. And as they laughed, the self-esteem of every thestral in the immediate area dropped quite considerably, their ears and tails drooping lower with each 'guffaw!' from the two massive beings of sunlight. Finally, when there were no more laughs to be had from the joke (which took a while to manage, understandably), Ornstein stood upright, and addressed his would-be captor with as much brutal condescension as he could muster.

"You're joking right?" The lion knight asked simply, and the bat-pony guard trembled a bit, fearing another violent outburst from the knight, but even though she was a mare, she had such grandiose brass balls, she confronted the knight a second time anyway, despite the fact that he was literally four times her height.

"I... I'm afraid not. You see, we have to kill any who would oppose Nightmare Moon, but seeing as... we're feeling reasonable, per say, we will just take you to a cell, try you, and hopefully put all this sun-avenging nonsense behind us, if you'd be so kind?" The little thestral offered meekly, and Ornstein and Smough looked at each other for a moment, just a moment, and Ornstein returned his gaze to the leader, and returned his answer: He ran up to the thestral guard, raised his foot back, and before the poor guard could even wet herself, Ornstein swung his foot forward, and punted the bat-pony so hard, she sailed through the clouds, ended up in low orbit of the planet, and crash-landed behind Ornstein before he even set his foot back down. Needless to say, the bat-ponies were all cowed by this, and all but the youngest backed away, the youngest being too scared shitless to even move. And with that, Sir Ornstein doth reply:

"That's a 'no', in case the rest of you were wondering." Quoth sir Ornstein, and the guards all fainted right there, except the youngest, who then broke down sobbing and peed herself in sheer terror of the massive, angry knight of the lord of sunlight. And thus, the business concluded with their would be assailants, the massive warriors marched off, eager to destroy whoever had stolen their sun away, and hopefully return the wondrous body back to its rightful place in the sky.

And thus, began the first of many adventures of Brave sir Ornstein and his trusted Bro, Executioner Smough.

TO BE CONTINUED...