Why did I write this? To traumatize ALL the childhoods!
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The Best Worst Fanfiction, EVER!
Why did I write this? To traumatize ALL the childhoods!
This would be.. A completely unoriginal and soulless “clopfic”. With highly subjective, most likely offensive humor. But you know that from the first chapter, don’t you? It goes without saying that this is NSFW.
“There is a special place in Hell for you, Solaire, and yet we all still love you.” - Hakobo ze Jew
Because you asked for it, my friends, and I decided to make it as strange as possible. Don’t you love how, to quote Joseph, “He twists everything you say to suit his cruel, evil demands”? Let me know if you’d like another chapter to this abomination against nature.
HEIL CELESTIA!
HEIL!
HEIL!
HEIL!
Semi-lengthy introduction aside.. And to quote a certain Italian plumber, “HERE WE GO!”
Chapter 2 of The Best Worst Fanfiction, EVER!
By Knight Solaire of Astora/Sir Fluttershy/Andy/WHY ARE YOU EATING ALL OF MY FOOD GET OUT OF MY HOUSE WHY ARE YOU NOT WEARING PANTS STOP RAPING MY CAT OH GOD CACTI DON’T GO THERE/Whatever you call me this week
And so I wake up in the morning and I step outside
And I take a deep breath
And I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What’s goin’ on!?
Goku giggled like a semi-retarded potato as he put his electric guitar back inside of the depths of his magical skinpocket that allowed him to carry whatever he so desired. It reminded him of Kratos, from God of War. That aside, he turned his food-plagued mind to more serious matters. Every day had felt strange. He was separated from his family, his home planet.. On a completely separate one, at that, in what seemed to be an alternate reality. Was this the true form of Giygas’ attack? He was the only human he personally knew of. Even then, he wasn’t exactly human.. Would he ever find his way back home? Would he want to? He loved this place.. The friends, the food, the music, the spirit of it all! There was hardly ever any trouble that required his own personal assistance.. People here could handle themselves well. Ponies, not people. This wouldn’t be the first time he’d made that mistake. They ACT like people, for what that’s worth. They can think for themselves, and make rational choices based on those thoughts.. Sapient ponies, which could speak! Who’d have thought? His mind travelled back to the sea before him. He enjoyed coming to this cliff; it had always relaxed his mind and body to watch the waves ripple and crash against the rocks at the bottom. To see the celestial bodies reflect off of the surface of the water. To watch the sun rise and set as the moon daintily lit the land with just enough light to guide ponies home at night… Such a lovely, tranquil place to be. Did he want to abandon what he had discovered for what he had lost? He thought not.
It had been three long years since Goku’s arrival in Equestria. When he arrived, he was greeted by a gorgeous alicorn princess by the name of Cadence.. How peculiar. He was a stranger, in a strange land.. Instead of being shunned, he was welcomed wholeheartedly by none other than the Goddess-Queen of these.. brightly colored ponies herself. Surely this was all a strange dream, one he’d been in for a while. This couldn’t be reality.. But all the experiences here felt so inexplicably real. The conversations, the laughter, the meals.. How he loved the food they had! The only downside was that meat was sort of frowned upon here. Explaining he was an omnivore was fairly awkward, especially to that butter-yellow Pegasus pony.. The one that loved all animals, big and small. She even had a pet Tyrannosaurus! He found it strange how every pony that lived here was capable of speech and rational thought processes.. But then again, horses couldn’t talk, could they? Ah, well. He knew he should have stopped all the cupcake binges a long time ago, and now they’re causing sugar-induced hallucinations. Cadence herself had pointed out that I should really stop eating so many sweets; she said he ate more than that hyperactive pink pony! How wonderful. At least he didn’t gain any weight from it all. What a fat fuck he was.
Smiling up at the setting sun, he thought of lovely Cadence. Such a helpful, caring mare she was. At the very least, she was sweet and fun-loving, a quality he had long sought in a woman.. A pony queen, in this case. Oh, well. Fate had a funny way of messing with everyone, ponies included. He sighed as he gazed once more at the beautiful, twilit sea stretched out as a vast expanse before his very eyes. He wondered where Celestia was; She had been long gone prior to the Saiyan’s arrival. Rumor had it that she was a drifter; exploring the galaxy, content with herself after all her long years. Sightseeing, adventuring, having fun, reading whatever she so desired, playing around.. It sounded like a wonderful existence, free from the shackles of having to rule. To be perfect. To always be wearing that queenly mask, to always be strong in front of everypony. Then, there was Luna, Celestia’s blood sister. Things didn’t go so well for her. She became addicted to video games, her favorite hobby… Something that never ended well for anyone, or anypony, as addiction is a rather venomous thing. Rumor had it that she hadn’t left her room during the day in ten years... She had even begun to neglect her moon-raising duty. Poor Cadence.. She had to raise both the sun and the moon. He stretched as the sun began to lower.. Sweet, regal Cadence, that tortured soul… the lovely mare’s husband had died in a rather tragic accident involving a hot dog insertion gone awry not long after Celestia’s resignation of the throne to none other than Cadence herself. Being magically defeated in public by a potential usurper did tarnish one’s reputation with the people. Ponies, he reminded himself, for what seemed to be the billionth time this day. But how long ago was this? This place.. It was certainly lovely, but what was his purpose here? He decided to head back to the castle. Cadence would probably be awaiting him, after all. Wasn’t there going to be a performance tonight? He’d been sightseeing for... It seemed hours, at this point. He prayed she wouldn’t be too lonely without him there. He could have flown, or teleported to the castle, but he’d rather walk. He did enjoy sightseeing, after all. She’d surely understand.
Cadence sighed and checked the clock on the wall. It had been seven hours! She prayed to her Aunt Celestia that he would be fine. She really didn’t want to lose anyone else she was close to.. Not again. Once was enough. The choking and evil phallic object that choked her love to death as he cried out “IT’S TOO THICK OH GOD MY BODY CAN’T HANDLE THE DICK SO MEATY.” Surely he couldn’t be THAT busy exploring, not even to pop in and say hello? Her worries were increasing by the second. Goku would be fine, she told herself. But if he wasn’t, how long would it be for her to show herself again? She didn’t leave her own room for months after Shining Armor..
No.
She didn’t have to worry about Goku; he had his own form of magic! He could fly and teleport himself, and create energy with his hands.. Oh, those HANDS! How she loved those. She especially loved when he scratched behind her ears, or played with her wings, but then that alw-
But what if he fell off that cliff he so loved? What if he hurt himself, and couldn’t come back? What i-
Goku stared at the Goddess of Love pacing around the room, lost in thought, muttering frantically to herself.
“Cadence. You are such a Mary Sue.”
He could be trapped in a cave, or maybe seaweed wrapped around his legs while he was swimming, or maybe a dragon was holding him hostage for ransom, or the Griffon emirates would use him as leverage for more land and power, or..
“Caaadeeeenceee. I should give you a gender change and call you Marty Stu. THEN WE CAN RUB OUR PENISES TOGETHER!”
Or he could be out with another mare..! The nerve! But no, he wouldn’t do that. He was far too loyal and kind, he could never hurt her that way.
Goku sighed, and swept her up in a giant hug.
“Stop thinking so much, Mary S-“
“GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” The Queen screamed in shock, panting heavily.
“I was in deep thought! Why did y-..”
“Didja miss me, Cadence!?” The Saiyan beamed as he threw her up in the air and caught her. She yelped and threw her forehooves around his neck. It was then that the guards burst through the door, weapons at the ready and wings fully extended, ready to tackle (Or possibly even take the life of) the intruder that would undoubtedly hurt their Queen if they so desired.
“Queen Cadence! We heard a scream, an-“
“WHAT’S GOIN’ ON!? AN’ I SAIIIID HEYYYEYEEYAYAYAYEEYEYEAYAYAYEYEAYAAAA!” the Saiyan exclaimed as he bobbed his head.
Heart still palpitating at the speed of light itself, Cadence waved a hoof at her loyal guardponies. They recognized the strange monkey-creature with a snort and a salute. All he needed was a tail..
“You.. You are dismissed..” She breathed, as she finally composed herself.
“So be it, your majesty.” The guards nodded at the duo and shut the doors behind them. After a few moments, Cadence’s expression grew dismal.
“Don’t scare me like that! I didn’t know where you were, or if you were hurt, or dying, or exploding, or dying and hurt and exploding, or being chewed on by a dinosaur like last time, or lost in the Everfree, or..”
“Cadenza! I’m here, now, okay? Calm down a little! I’m not on fire, or blown to bits, or being an accidental dino steak, or being a steak and dying and hurt and exploding all at once!” He grinned as he ruffled her multihued mane. It reminded him of ice cream.. Mmm, ice cream all over his fac-
She sniffled softly. She hated worrying as such, but loss was such a hard thing to deal with.. Twice in five years? That.. She didn’t want to think about that.
“Well, Goku.. I’m glad you’re back. I missed you, you know..” Cadence muttered in her usual caring tone as she nuzzled into his shoulder.
“I missed ya, too! But, um.. Can we eat? I’m really hungry.”
He was so.. Clueless, at times. Such a fat bastard.
“Are you sure? Right now? As in, right now, right now?” She inquired, a tinge of hope quivering in her voice.
“If you’re fine with that. I’d really like a few dozen salads, and maybe some chocolate cakes, and rice bowls, and gravy, and some of those biscuit things you make, and some pie. Lots and lots of pie, I really like p-“
“I know, silly..” Cadence sighed as she pushed a hoof into his mouth. That would come later. He had such an abnormally large appetite.. Something about his race always requiring lots of nutrition at all times. She wondered if all of these Saiyan-types were like this. The closest things that Twilight Sparkle and her anthropologist assistant, MC Lyra Heartstrings, had found that were similar to Goku himself were humans. Which looked exactly the same, but had none of the special magic he could perform.. She wondered how it would be, living without magic. She would have to ask an Earth pony about it one day. It mustn’t be that hard, as no Earth pony has ever complained about not having it; they adapted just fine without the help of arcane mysteries. It was then that she noticed that they had been staring into each other’s eyes for the past few moments of contemplation. Goku and Shining Armor both tease (and teased..) her for thinking so much.. It was only natural, she supposed. He was a stallion.. Neigh, a MAN of action, and she was a mare of thought and planning, caring and nurturing. She couldn’t stand for anyone to ever be hurt, especially ones she cared so deeply about. He could be fairly intelligent when he wanted to be, though. That’s one of the many reasons she admired him so much.. His immense strength, his loyalty and his limitless love for all things only furthered her love for this creature. They weren’t even the same species, but they understood each other quite well.. After all, that’s what truly matters, right? The personality.. Although his looks DID help! Just a little. Those rippling, taut muscles.. His lovely stallionhood, oh my! Just thinking about i-
“Caaadence? Maaaaary? Suuuuue?”
“Two Blueberry waffles for us, plea-“
“Cradenza! Blue waffles ARE NOT GOOD FOR YOU! Besides, that image was fake.”
Her attention snapped back to Goku, and away from her thoughts.
“You know I simply loathe that nickname you’ve created.” The look on her face was that of murder, her tone was deadpan as could possibly be.
He laughed whole-heartedly.
“It’s just.. The face you make when I say it!”
“I am NOT used for storage of clothing.”
More laughter.
Cadence facehoofed.
Goku laughed even harder. Was it her angered expression? It wouldn’t be the first time. It wasn’t just “Adorable” when I was mad, it was also apparently quite “Hilarious”, to boot.
“Calm down, Cadence. No harm done, right?”
“Recall that the swords I have on my bedroom walls aren’t just for ornamental purposes.”
“Right. Well, I thoroughly enjoy living, so shall we go to the dining hall?”
“Lets..” She smiled as she draped a wing around him. He gently scratched at her ears as he opened the doors of her chambers for her, signaling the go ahead.
The entertainers for the night were.. MC Apple Bloom and Lyra, of the Cutie Mark Crusader: Earn a Cutie Mark foundation. MC’s Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle couldn’t make it as they both apparently had a bad case of “Muffin poisoning”, caused from Apple Bloom attempting to earn a cutie mark for baking. Poor souls. Cadence watched them with a slight smile on her face as Goku, as always, devoured plate after plate of food. Fat nigger.
“Yo, yo, yo. Princess and Her Majesty’s Very Special Somepony!” Apple Bloom began.
“MC’s Lyra and Apple Bloom are in da house!” The mint-green unicorn exclaimed, as she turned her hat backwards. Her sunglasses-covered eyes shifted from the regal monarch to the ravenous.. Monkey-thing devouring a small village’s stock of food.
“We’s come from Manehattan to bring you too dese slick rhymes!”
“It where we met, after all, mah nigga AB!”
“Ya got dat right, nigga LH! Let’s get diz shit started, mang!”
“We’s ‘bout to resurrect some FRESH BEATS! Like Jesus, except we ain’t a starved half-naked Jew that got nailed to a cross!” they exclaimed in unison, doing the silliest poses they could possibly attempt, their golden chains (With MCLH and MCAB on them, respectively) swinging madly to match their wild, sudden movements reminiscent of a cat being ran over by a Mac truck.
“Well, all righty then!” Goku beamed at the human-obsessed unicorn rapper and Earth pony filly. She wasn't interested in studying him, for whatever reason.
“Yo, mah nigga AB, you ‘bout ready?” Lyra remarked, in her booming baritone voice.
“Lemme hook diz.. into diz shit.. and.. Yeah, nigga. Ready when yo nigga ass is, bruh.” That bass voice of hers was one for the Goddesses themselves. The other ones, that is. They’d have to buy the MC’s newest album when it came out.
“Aight, mang. Aight.”
“Tree.” MC Apple Bloom echoed.
“Tew.” Lyra muttered.
“This will be spectacular!” Cadence exclaimed, her smile adorable enough to make even Discord receive diabeetus.
AND SO I CALLED LIBERTY MEDICAL
AND THEY SAID
I HAD DIABEETUS
I AM GOING TO DIE
“ONE!” The rappers yelled as the beat began, the lights in the spectacular dining hall dimmed and the disco ball Goku demanded be installed last month lowered from the ceiling.
“Lovely..” Cadence quipped. She never did like that disco ball. It was too.. Shiny. And ballsy. She wondered if it were made of steel.
“NOW THIS IS THE STORY ALL ‘BOUT HOW OUR LIVES GOT FLIP-TURNED UPSIDE DOWN
AND WE’D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE, SO PLEASE, SIT RIGHT THERE
AS WE TELL YOU ABOUT HOW WE BECAME THE PRINCESSES OF A TOWN CALLED MANEHATTAN.”
“I love this song!” Cadence squealed as she heard the duo rap. Goku.. Just sort of stared, with his jaw agape.
“WEST PONYVILLE, BORN AND RAISED
ON THE PLAYGROUND’S WHERE WE SPENT MOST OF OUR DAYS
CHILLIN’ OUT, CASTIN’ MAGIC, RELAXIN’ ALL COOL
AND ALL SHOOTIN’ SOME HOOFBALL OUTSIDE OF MISS CHEERILEE’S SCHOOL
WHEN A COUPLE OF STALLIONS THAT WERE UP TO NO GOOD
STARTED CAUSIN’ TROUBLE AT THE PLAYGROUND
WE GOT IN ONE LITTLE PIE-THROWING CONTEST, AND OUR MOMMIES GOT SCARED
SAYIN’ YER MOVIN WITH YER AUNTIES AND UNCLES IN MANEHATTAN.”
Cadence continued to do a gleeful little dance in her seat as Goku’s jaw seemed to drop even more.
“WE BEGGED AND PLEADED WITH THEM, DAY AFTER DAY, BUT THEY PACKED OUR SUITCASES AND SENT US ON OUR WAYS
THEY GAVE US OUR KISSES AND THEY GAVE US OUR TICKETS, WE PUT ON OUR WALKSTALLIONS AND SAID, “WE MAY AS WELL BUCK IT.”
FIRST CLASS ON THE FRIENDSHIP EXPRESS, YO, THIS IS BAD
DRINKIN’ APPLE JUICE OUTTA CHAMPAGNE GLASSES
AN’ WE SAID, “HMM, IS DIS WHAT THE PONIES IN MANEHATTAN BE LIVIN’ LIKE? HUH. THIS MAY JUST BE ALRIGHT!”
Cadence wasn’t even at the table any more. She was up, gleefully dancing, not caring that she was Queen and that it was.. Uncourtly. What could she do? She loved this song. Meanwhile, it seemed as if Goku had an aneurysm and has swallowed several hundred flies at this point.
“BUT, WAIT, WE HEAR THEY’RE PRISSY
DRESSES, AND ALL THAT
IS MANEHATTAN REALLY THE TYPE OF PLACE TO SEND THESE COOL CATS?
WE DIDN’T THINK SO, SO WE’D SEE WHEN WE GOT THERE
WE HOPED THEY WERE PREPARED, FOR THE PRINCESSES OF MANEHATTAN!”
The duo both gulped down glasses of water they had conveniently had on the table beside them as they waited for the singing cue once more. Meanwhile, Cadence was breakdancing whilst humming the tune as Goku.. Well, you know what he was doing.
“WELL, THE CHARIOT LANDED, AND WE CAME OUT
THERE WAS A STALLION THAT LOOKED LIKE A GUARDSMAN STANDING THERE WITH OUR NAMES OUT
AND COLT, WE JUST GOT HERE! WE AIN’T TRYING TO GET GROUNDED!
WE SPRANG WITH THE QUICKNESS, LIKE LIGHTNIN’ AND DISAPPEARED
WE WHISTLED FOR THE FRIENDSHIP EXPRESS, AND WHEN IT CAME NEAR
THE TAG SAID “FRESH” AND IT EVEN HAD FUZZY DICE IN THE MIRROR
IF ANYTHING, WE BOTH THOUGHT THAT THIS TRAIN WAS RARE
BUT WHATEVER, WE SAID! “YO, HOMES, TO MANEHATTAN!”
WE PULLED UP TO THE MANSION ‘BOUT 7 OR 8
AND WE YELLED TO THE CONDUCTOR, “YO HOMES, SMELL YA LATER”
WE LOOKED AT OUR KINGDOM, WE WAS FINALLY THERE
TO SIT ON OUR THRONES, AS THE PRINCESSES OF MANEHATTAN.”
The two rappers panted heavily as they beamed at the fair ruler of their country, who was dancing like a madmare. Goku shook his head violently, chuckling at the.. Pony-ification of that song. He knew he’d heard it somewhere before, but where? Was the wording different? He didn’t remember. All that matters is that Cadence was clearly enjoying the song; her tiara had fallen off from her vigorous dancing, and her hair was a mess. She seemed to not notice the performance had been over for several moments.
“Yo, Queen Cadence!” MC Apple Bloom boomed into her microphone.
“THIS IS WHY I’M HOT, THIS I- Oh.” Cadence awkwardly rubbed the back of her head with her left forehoof.
“Whoopsie. Guess.. I got kind of carried away, there, girls. Sorry about that..”
“It’s fine, girl. Ain't no biggie.” MC Lyra chuckled her throaty, deep, trademark laugh.
“It really is a compliment that you like our music so much, Queen.” Both performers did a formal bow in Queen Cadence’s direction.
“Well.. Thank you, girls. It truly is a thrill to have a good personal performance every now and again.” Cadence readjusted her tiara with her magic, fixed her mane back to its normally impeccable state, and sat back down by Goku.
“Did you enjoy the performance, sweetheart?”
“Mm-hmm! Vry mchmfmfmfm!” He muffled through a few thousand mouthfuls of rice.
“Honey. Chew and swallow before you attempt to speak, please.”
“Hrry, Cdnmfmph.”
“It’s fine.” The mare shook her head as the performers packed their things back up.
“Going so soon? I must admit, Run C.M.C. is one of my favorite bands, next to Iron Mareden.” Cadence admitted.
“Yes, Queen.. We’re sorry, but we gotta ‘nutha show in Ponyville. It’s a busy night for us, it seems. Something abou-“
It was then that Applejack stormed into the room.
“Apple Bloom!”
Cadence stared. How did she.. The guards, what?
“…Sis?”
“I’ve been lookin’ all over for ya! Just what do you think you’re doin’, runnin’ off like that to be in a band?” the orange Earth cowpony inquired, nerves wracked thin.
“You told me to go live in Manehattan, with Aunt and Uncle Orange, remember? And mah nigga Lyra stayed with m-“
“I was just kiddin’, Apple Bloom! I didn’t REALLY mean for you to run off and do that, alright!? You coulda gotten hurt!” The concern quivering in AJ’s voice and expression was almost maddening.
“Well, I’m fine now, aren’t I?” The little filly held her ground.
“Well, yeah. But.. Can we go back home, now?” AJ pleaded.
“No, nigga. Me ‘n Lyra got a show in Ponyville, and then we gotta go to Appleloosa, then back to Canterlot for a special with Miss Octavia and Vinyl Scratch, and..” Apple Bloom went on and on as Lyra nervously waved at Applejack.
AJ sighed.
“We miss ya, Apple Bloom.. Please come back!”
“No.”
“Apple Bloom.. Don’t make me do this the hard way.”
Cadence just stared at the oddly touching confrontation as Goku casually continued to eat the entire banquet.
AJ grit her teeth.
“I AIN’T GOIN’ BACK! NOT ‘TIL TOMORROW, APPLEJACK!”
“BUCK YO PUNK FLANK BUSHY FLANK HOOK FLANK NIGGA! I’LL BEACHO SORRY FLANK, NIGGA! YOU NEVA IN YO LIFE GONNA TRY TA HOLLA AT ME, NIGGA! BUCK WIT ME ‘N I’MA POP MAH TRUNK ON YO FLANK, NIGGA!” AJ roared.
Apple Bloom spasmed violently as she glared at her older sister.
“WHAT’D YOU SAY, NIGGA!?” the filly roared, bass voice booming around the echo chamber that was the dining hall.
“YOU KNOW WHAT, MOTHERBUCKA!? YOU EAT A DICK, NIGGA. I’M TIRED O’ DIS SHIT, NIG-“
AJ’s ebonic rant was cut short as Apple Bloom sailed through the air, both back hooves connecting with Applejack’s side, knocking her over.
“OH YEAAAH! LOOKACHA! YEW WAS TALKIN’ ALL DAT GOOD SHIT A SECOND AGO, AND THEN YOU GOT KICKED IN YO FLANK! YOUUUUU EAT A DICK, NIGGA! YYYOOOUUU EAT A DICK!”
Cadence’s brain hemorrhaged slightly as Goku tried to contain his laughter.
“Nigga, fuck dis shit, I’m out! Go buck yo white-ish ass self wit a garden rake! Celestia-damn punk ass mufukkin’ filly actin’ all cool ‘n shit, drives a hardworkin’ ass nigga like me insane.. It’s Celestia-damned horseapples, nigga..” Applejack muttered as she began to briskly trot out of the dining hall. Apple Bloom spasmed once again, this time looking shocked instead of angered.
“So.. Girls..” Cadence lightly muttered.
Apple Bloom held back tears. Applejack sped up her pace.
“Yes, princess?” Lyra quipped, as she put her foreleg around Apple Bloom’s barrel, pulling her close.
”Hold on one second.” Cadence smiled as she readied a spell. The power of love itself radiated through her very being as she shot six ruby-red hearts out of her horn, three trailing after Applejack and three breezily floating towards Apple Bloom. As the magic took hold, Applejack turned around and began running towards Apple Bloom at full speed. Apple Bloom embraced her wholeheartedly.
“MARYYYY SUUUEEEEE!!!” Goku roared, through mouthfuls of food.
“Applejack!” the filly exclaimed.
“Apple Bloom..! I missed ya, pard..” Applejack felt a tear slip down her face as she ruffled her younger sister’s mane.
“I missed ya, too, AJ! It’s been a while. How ‘bout we go back ta Ponyville? I wanna see how Big Mac and Granny Smith are doing. I hadn’t seen ‘em in three days! Can you believe I’ve been in Manehattan that long!?”
“Can’t say I don’t, partner..” The orange mare chuckled as she gently plopped Apple Bloom onto her back.
“You wanna come, too, Lyra?” Apple Bloom inquired.
“If you’re fine with that.. Let me finish packing the equipment up, mah niggas.”
“Aiiight, dawg.” Apple Bloom chuckled.
“Why do we talk like that, Lyra?”
“It makes people think we’re more G, man.”
“But we’re just silly fillies! We can just be ourselves.”
Cadence smiled and shook her head as Goku burped. He had eaten.. Well, everything at the table, really, and it was a full-course meal that was originally intended for several dozen people. What could he say? He had a healthy appetite. Fat motherbucker. The potatoes, leeks, carrots, stews, soups, cakes, pies, entrees, tacos, enchiladas and sandwiches were just so irresistible. He couldn’t help that he ate his own body weight in food, every time he sat down to munch! And that was only snacking. It’s a good thing Cadence didn’t know that, or she’d probably have a heart attack…
“When can we come by next, Queen?” The trio inquired.
“Please.. Call me Cadence.” She giggled. A light, airy thing that caused everyone to feel even more ecstatic than her black magic fuckery already caused. “Whenever you please, my little ponies.”
“Hey! I ain’t little..” Apple Bloom pouted. Lyra and AJ glanced at each other and snickered.
“NOT funny!” Apple Bloom kicked AJ’s side and tugged on Lyra’s mane.
“EYOWCH!” they wailed. Apple Bloom chuckled, and hopped off of AJ.
“I’m assuming AJ came on the train?” AB pondered out loud.
“You bet. And if I catch ya, you’re in for a world-a hurt!” the cowpony threatened.
“You may want to run, kid.” Lyra offered.
“Whoever’s last to the train has to listen to the Jonas Brothers for five straight minutes!”
Cadence’s eyes widened. That was
The.
WORST.
POSSIBLE.
THING.
IMAGINABLE.
The Jonas Brothers were still relevant?! Was this tiny filly an executioner!? That was..! That was worse than having to trek through Tartarus itself! How could she suggest such a horrible thing..? Nopony had ever had a will to live after listening to the Jonas Brothers!
Goku gasped.
“That.. That’s kind of a grimdark thing for such a young filly to say.. Author, is this story going to turn into Cupcakes or something?”
“No.” The Great and Benevolent Author assured the ponies.. and the Saiyan. Because fuck you, The Author writes what he wants.
Lyra and AJ stared at Apple Bloom.
“You sick, twisted child..” They shook their heads in unison.
“Right. Uh, I’m just gonna go to the train now. Last one there’s a Scootaloo!”
“SHE IS NOT A CHICKEN!” Lyra bellowed as the cowpony and two world-renowned rappers ran as fast as possible to their train, Lyra magically closing the doors behind them.
Cadence blinked. What a.. Strange night. Applejack, the Element of Honesty.. That was unexpected. Did everyone from Ponyville have such ghetto personalities? Ah, well. She’d have to have a free prison shank give-away eventually. Her eccentric little ponies were just as loved as the “normal” ones. In fact, she preferred the strange ones to the aristocratic ones..
“Well, that was lovely, Cadence..” Goku yawned and stretched.
“Shall we turn in for the night, darling?”
“If ya want! I’m pretty tired. Eating all day is hard work!”
Cadence closed her eyes and shook her head. Silly man.
“Alright. Let me call the servants, and I’ll see you in the bedroom..” She hinted, her voice sultry.
At this point The Author would like to point out that this next part made him want to commit seppuku, so he wrote it as fast as possible.
“Wha.. Oh. OH! Okay..! Alrighty then.” Goku hopped up and skipped away to the royal bedchambers like a flower filly.
Cadence chuckled, beside herself. She sure knew how to pick the eccentric ones..
~~
The royal bedchambers were candle-lit, the royal attire and jumpsuit the duo usually wore were scattered around the room, and the tension in the air could be cut with a knife. The scent of Cadence’s perfume and cinnamon floated through the air. Rose petals were scattered around the room, and Cadence was in her favorite lingerie. Cadence smirked at Goku as his jaw dropped for the fifteenth time that day at the beautiful site before him.
“I take it my outfit is.. Sufficient? Your manhood certainly thinks so..”
More gawking by the stunned Saiyan warrior.
“Well, then..” Cadence shook her head and caressed his cheek with her left wing.
“Shall we?”
Furious nodding. Was his head going to snap off!? It was as if he were incapable of speech.. At least that signaled that she looked positively breathtaking. She did thoroughly enjoy her black lace outfits..
“I think you need not be told what comes next..” The Queen’s voice was sultry as could be. She knew what he liked.
He smiled like the bumbling, aroused idiot she so loved and kissed her passionately on the lips whilst he gently caressed and fondled each her feathers. Stroking the base of the wing, up the bone, then tracing each feather up and downwards.. How she loved that. She cooed softly as she wrapped her forehooves around his neck, straddling him. She may have been heavier than other ponies, due to her alicorn nature, but he was a superhuman; her weight really had no effect on him. Their tongues danced furiously with one another’s as he slid his hands down her delightful pink back and down to her lace-clad flank, which he squeezed. A squeal was elicited from the goddess as the aroused Saiyan began to rub her cutie marks in gentle circles as she grinded against his bare flesh.
“You’re a tease..” she panted in a husky voice.
“Since when was that such a bad thing?”
He tugged on her tail as she bit down on his bottom lip, tongues probing and having a dance of death and domination ever faster as the time seemed to fly by. Cadence, overly aroused from the ministrations, pushed the Saiyan onto his back as her eyes revealed a spark so few had ever witnessed before.
“My turn..” The Queen smiled, tracing her forehoof up and down his cheek as she kissed down his face, neck, and chest.
“Oh, Reptar..”
“What was that?” The mare quipped, stroking his tip with her soft hoof. It was so unlike a normal pony’s; it was lovely, delicate, warm, and softer than Nimbus was.
“A.. Nothing..” the Saiyan ran a hand through her ice-cream mane and tugged, being careful not to hurt the gorgeous mare taking care of him as such. She smirked and blew cold air onto his tip as she stroked his shaft from the base to the tip and downwards again; he bit his bottom lip to stifle his noises. She licked her lips as she flicked the head with her tip of her tongue. She glanced upwards for approval, and got it. She proceeded to wrap her tongue around the tip as best as she could and stroke downwards, three times, in perfect rhythm. She then put the entirety of his glorious, throbbing cock into her mouth, and pushed downwards to the very base itself. She sucked upwards and let go with a pop; they were both panting heavily.
“You. Inside of me. Now.” The need in her voice.. Well, that was something no man (or stallion) could deny. She quickly slid the lace panties off of her with magic as she jumped on Goku, not giving his poor, overly aroused brain time to process anything.. She aligned her aching entrance with his suffering cock, and slammed her flank downwards, crying out as he moaned loudly. He grunted, gripped her lovely thighs and thrust upward, matching her downstroke and upstrokes. Bouncing her in his lap, his arousal was peaking; hers clearly was, as well. Grunting and moaning, drenched in sweat, they wrapped in the purest, most natural form of love only two lovers could make. One even greater than the Queen’s magic could make.. They were both about to have the best orgasms of their lives.
It is at this point that the Author would like to inform the reader that Goku thinks he is Mickey Mouse.
“HO HO! OH, MINNY, YOU’RE SO TIGHT!”
“Wha..”
“TAKE IT DEEP, TAKE IT HARD YOU LITTLE MOUSE BITCH NIGGER GRAH MY SPIRAL POWER AM INCREASING”
“…” Her eyes widened as he pulled out of her well-stimulated cunt and thrust deep inside of her virgin asshole.
“I POOP FROM TH-“
“OH MINNY FUCK YES I’M GOING TO CUM DEEP INSIDE OF YOUR ASS TAKE IT LIKE THE NIGGERBASKET YOU ARE OH GOD OHHH FUCK OH SHIT OH BARACK OBAMA OH SWEET NIGEL THORNBERRY I SEE YOUR LOVELY FACE WHEN I BEAT MY MEAT WITH TIRE IRONS” The Saiyan screamed, pumping Cadence’s holiest of holes into a new era of bliss and anal.
“THAT HURTS LIKE A MOTHERBUCKER!” She wailed.
“AIN’T NO MOTHERBUCKING SNAKES IN THIS MOTHERBUCKING PLANE BUT MY OWN, BITCH NIGGA"
Terry Crews kicked down the wall as Goku began pumping semen deep inside of the Goddess of Love’s tight asshole.
“P-P-P-P-POWER!!!” The man screamed as he charged at Cadence and Goku with a nunchuku made of dildos.
“TAKE MY FULL BONER POWER!!” Goku screamed, pulling out of Cadence and pouncing on Terry’s face.
“EAT SHIT AND DIE!” Terry screamed as he plunged his vibrating dildos deep into the depths of Goku’s now-bleeding and torn rectum.
“OH GOD YOU LITTLE BLACK SLUT, FUCK MY ASS LIKE THE GOOD BITCH YOU ARE” Goku moaned as he thrust his throbbing bear cock deep down Terry’s throat.
“CADENCE!” Terry screamed. “LOOKACHO MAN! NOW LOOK AT ME! NOW LOOK AT THIS DILDO IN HIS ASS! NOW LOOK AT ME AGAIN! I’M BLACK AND MY DICK IS MASSIVE AND ALPHA AS FUCK” he roared as his penis elongated to 57”3’ as it buried itself in Cadence’s aching anus. Cadence screamed in both pain and pleasure as she shat out volumes of semen, tapeworms, diarrhea, K-On DVD’s and sprayed her orgasmic fluids violently all over Goku and Terry Crews. Billy Mays proceeded to snort lines of coke off of Cadence’s vagina as he shouted out an advertisement for a platoon of African slaves for the cheap price of $19.95.
“I’M BIRTHING A GOD!!” Cadence yelled. The Reptar in Black clawed its way out of her vagina, and the gunslinger Adolf Hitler followed.
“FOOLS, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?” Hitler screamed.
“YOU HAVE BIRTHED THE DARK GOD! AND NOW IT IS UP TO US TO STOP IT!! Come, Nigel! Come, Mickey Mouse! We must stop DARK REPTAR!” Hitler ordered. Zoidberg cackled maniacally as he stared at the foolish mortals before him. He was the pilot of the legendary Dark Reptar; no harm could befall him.
“COME, NIGEL! WE MUST FIGHT!” Hitler reached deep inside of his anus and pulled out Nigel Thornberry.
“SMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHINGSMASHING!” he quipped, as Hitler, Nigel and Cadence all got in the position.
“I’m a guy who’s ill at ease, and it’s hard for me to fight, Hitler.. It’s hard for me to say this, but.. Honestly.. I.. I LOVE YOU, HITLER! I WANT TO BE WITH YOUUUU! ADOOOOLLLFFF!!!”
Hitler stared into Nigel’s eyes.
“NIGEL!!!”
“ADOLF!!!”
“SPONGEBOB!” Spongetits screamed, from the depths of Terry’s niggercock.
“FUCK YOU, YOU DUMB YELLOW BASTARD!”
“Why not Zoidber-“
“NO ONE LIKES YOU!” The Fuhrer shouted.
“I’m so sorry, Hitler.. I’ll never leave your side again..” The two lovers hugged.
“I’ll never let you go, Nigel.”
“We were meant to be together forever.”
Dark Reptar roared like a retarded second grader.
“Let’s finish this together, Hitler.”
“Right.”
“BUT WHY NOT ZOIDBER-“
“FUCK YOU!” Cadence shouted.
“THESE HANDS OF OURS ARE BURNING RED! THEIR LOUD CRY TELLS US..”
“TO GRASP HAPPINESS!” From the Goddess.
“She said penis lol” Goku chuckled as he came all in Terry’s ass for the fifteenth time.
“ERUPTING!”
“BURNING!”
“FIIINGEEEEEEEEERRRRR!!!!”
“SEKIHA! LOVE, LOVE! TENKYOKEN!!”
The Fuhrer, the Leader of the Moon Planets and the Goddess of Love all concentrated their full power into a massive heart. Said heart shat out the most motherfucking angry Burger King any nigger has ever seen in their entire life, and it shot straight through Dark Reptar’s chest. Zoidberg was off fapping to lolicon hentai, so he didn't know his mecha-Reptar was imploding into itself.
“Yes, Hitler..” Nigel smiled, as he scooped his love up. “Our true journey begins now, my love..”
They kissed passionately as Dark Reptar exploded, with a heart-shaped hole through its center.
Cadence smiled. Just another day in the universe of drug-induced fanfiction.
“Adolf Hitler.. Nigel Thornberry..” Her grin broadened. The power of love was quite strong in these two men of legend.
AND THEN THEY FUCKED
THE END
