A invisible kiss

Dear Diary,

What does it mean to be loved? What does it mean to be hurt? To have that one special somepony tell you to your face that he doesn't love you anymore? Is it possible to recover from all that pain? To open up your heart once more? There are so many questions in the world that need answers. But often to many are too afraid to answer these questions, afraid of their own memories and of that happiness that was once theirs. Some surpass these fears and find another to share their happiness with, but they are rare occurrences.

This leads me to my next question, why in my endless pain, am I having these feelings? Am I not stuck in oblivion? Or are the shadows of my heart finding light? A light that will destroy the darkness of my once joyful heart. I smile whenever I see him and  something I haven’t done in years! He brings me the happiness that I have truly missed but I don't understand why these feelings are here. I’m scared diary. It’s only been two weeks since I first came here and I don’t know what to do! I seem to have feelings for two ponies but I don’t want them. I won’t have them. But there’s the colt that befriended me on my first day and we've become very good friends. He is ever so curious to find my secret but he makes my days so much better, he lights up my world. Then there’s the other colt that I almost never see because of him being a hero and all but that small kiss, it felt somewhat right. Like it was meant to be. Maybe I am biased but I don’t know, I have no control over my feelings right now.

So, I decided to take the school bus to school today. I get too lonely for my own good, but it's necessary. I wish I had someone.

As I finish writing yet another diary entry, I notice that I don't have many pages left. I'll just have to save my money to get a new one… Just as I was thinking this my colt friend starts to head towards me and takes a seat next to me when he reaches my bench. I close my book quickly when he starts to lean over me to look at what I was doing.

"Hey.... what is that?" he asks curiously pointing towards my notebook.

"Nothing! And keep your nose out of my things!" I shout whisper. He can’t know about this diary, he just can’t.

He gives me a devilish grin and I will admit he is kinda a cute when he grins at me like that. Ugh! Those feelings again but they're different, more intense. A clenching of the heart of sorts but I ignore it  as I go on talking to him. I don't even notice the a small blush creeping onto my face and I start to question myself. What exactly do you call this feeling again? It is such a weird feeling to feel. I shudder to myself and  look out the window while letting out a quiet sigh.

Across the street I see two ponies, a mare and a stallion. And then, I see him grasp her hoof, and give her a nuzzle. I frown while seeing this but at the same time my heart envies it. My heart clenches and I turn my head back towards my colt friend. It is then that I see that I accidentally left my saddle bag open. And now he is reading my diary. Oh Celestia, I hope he didn't get one of the most recent entries.

"Hey, that's mine!" I nearly yell.

"What's with all the depression?" he asks looking at me strangely. An emotion seems to settle in his eyes as he speaks but I can’t quite tell what it is.

"Have you ever heard of keep your hooves to yourself, you ...you...." I couldn’t call him anything because my heart stopped me.

For some reason all my anger subsided, and I don’t have any good comebacks to say. Seconds later, I realize why. I don't want to but I do. I'm so confused with my own self that my feelings are all jumbled up, creating a mind block. It's a bit embarrassing. But then I think of all the ways he persuaded me to spill my own beans, and the anger comes back in full force.

"You, you jerk. You can’t waltz in here and look through my stuff just to ask me questions on MY life! This book is private! P-R-I-V-A-T-E! You can’t do what-what he did-did..." I shove the book in his face to emphasize what I meant and I struggle with my emotions but I crumple at those last words. I can't bear to even look at his face, so I teleport myself out.

Luckily I teleported myself to the school, they still have a good ten minute ride. But suddenly something makes me stop dead in my tracks, I feel something wet on my cheek. I reach my hoof to my face to feel a tear making it's way down. Had I been..... crying? The sadness and anger held over the years is starting to come back and I need to keep them in check but it’s so hard. None the less, I wipe my face and put on a fake smile while walking into the building to get a head start on my day. I let myself get lost in my thoughts and start thinking about the busy day ahead of me but just as I was going through my schedule, I stop in mid step and the smile vanishes off my face. Its replaced with a look of shock and confusion.

Right at my locker,  I see an all too familiar colt. But it's too late to turn back since he has already spotted me. He has a look of regret and anger. I've never seen him like this, but wait..... how did he get here so fast? It's impossible that the bus got here before I did. Millions of questions swarm through my head but I am too ashamed to look into his eyes. My vision starts to get blurry, and I accuse myself of being a foal. I shouldn’t be crying, I am stronger than this.

"I...... I'm sorry for acting that way." I mumble to my side.

"What the hell was th.... Are you crying?" He ask, no longer angry but genuinely concerned.

"Look I- I'm s-s-sorry, can you just please l-leave? " I ask through choked sobs.

"Look it's not a big deal. I.. I shouldn't have been looking in your diary, but don't ever do that again." He pleads. "That is not only embarrassing but I also look like a huge asshole to make a mare cry. But who is-" He stops mid sentence and looks down at me.

Gently, he puts a hoof under my chin to make me look at him. Even though my vision is blurry from all the tears, I can still see him very clearly as well as his warm smile.

"Look I'm sorry, but can you give me a smile?" He asks me this, and once again I feel nervous, but why? My lips wouldn’t turn upwards so he quietly leaves in his own thoughts after a while but for some reason I wish he had stayed. To tell me it'll all be okay and give me a hug, but then I catch myself. What’s going on with me?

The rest of the day flies by like a blur, and I'm hardly listening to what any of my teachers are saying. His face and words stick in my mind. The way he shrugged it off like I didn't do anything confused me and I doubt that he understood what happened in the bus. But the way he blamed himself, if was as if he did understand that he had opened up old scars. And before I knew it, the bell that signals the end of the day rings. I grab my stuff and head to the bus station where I see him though, something is hanging out of his saddle bag. As if sensing my eyes on it, he shoves it back in. After the weird event, I get on the bus and take my usual seat where he joins me.

We were silent the whole bus ride,  neither of us looked at the other. The anxiety in myself starts to build up. I wonder what is going through his mind, is he disappointed with me? or is he just saddened with my actions? But then the bus comes to his stop and he doesn't get off, instead he sits firmly next to me. It stays like that until there's no pony on the bus except me and him.

Finally I see my stop getting closer and I get off the bus but he follows. Sweat is dripping down my brow. I'm scared of what he'll do, thankfully my house is getting closer and closer, almost there.

"Wait!" he yells to me.

The words send a shiver down my spine, and I feel like I'm going to collapse any moment now. But instead of yelling at me, he asks calmly.

"Is this where you live?"

I slowly nod.

"Look I'm sorry that I got you angry, but I couldn't help but noticing that you were running out of paper. So I got you a new one."

At this I can only stand there and gape.

"So.. you're not going to yell at me and call me stupid?" I ask still in a state of shock.

"What ? No are you crazy? I would never do that to a friend." He says shocked at my own words.

I start to blush intensely and then he takes out a midnight colored notebook with a moon on it. I am too shocked to say anything. He is too embarrassed after giving me my present that he starts walking away. I just stare, normally I would have politely thanked him, but there's nothing to say. He gave me a gift! But for me an apology would have sufficed and yet this is out of the ordinary. I sit on my front steps for a while until I feel a wet drip of water on my muzzle. I look towards the sky and notice that while we were having our conversation, a bunch of gloomy gray clouds started to appear over my head.

Great, this last thing I needed but the weather is perfect to do some research. Though, I can't help but thinking about him, half of my brain is consumed by two colts, one a hero one a normal. Is it possible, that he feels this strange feeling too. What gibberish am I speaking, we are just friends nothing more. We are JUST friends, right?