Chapter One: Don't Make Fun Of Spike's Apron

"For the love of Celestia, Spike! I know you're still technically a baby, but do you really have to behave like one?! You're twelve years old! Just because dragons don't physically mature as fast as ponies doesn't mean you're entitled to throw wanton temper tantrums!!", exclaimed an exasperated Twilight Sparkle, her voice echoing in the cavernous foyer of the library. Spike kicked over a stack of books in anger and crossed his arms over his pink aproned chest with a scowl.

"I'm not throwing a temper tantrum! I've got a good reason to be pissed! If you're such a friggin' genius, how come you're the only one who doesn't get it? And what do "wontons" have to do with all this? We're not talking about food!" How couldn't she understand? She was in the same boat as he was!

"Not "wonton" as in Ib'Xianese takeout! "W-a-n-t-o-n!" It means "indiscriminate" and "spiteful." Was she seriously trying to give him a vocabulary lesson right now?

"Whatever! You missed the point as usual!"

"Of course, I get the point, Spike! I hate having to leave my friends behind all the time, too! But I have obligations." The mauve Alicorn magically restacked the books he kicked over. Owliscious was perched atop Twilight's lectern with an apathetic expression gracing his avian features. He was used to this scenario. He'd seen it almost a hundred times by now.

"But we just got back from the Castle a month ago! Why do we have to go back all of a sudden!? Man, this blows..."

Spike hated staying at Canterlot Castle. Not only did he have to leave all his friends in Ponyville behind, but he had to be on his best behavior...so as to not embarrass "Her Royal Majesty" in front of all the pompous douchebags that cavorted about, sucking up to her. He always had to keep his voice down in the halls, and the guards gave him mean looks wherever he went. It wasn't his fault he got bored and played pranks on them. Those guys had absolutely no sense of humor. Apparently, they'd formed a pretty low opinion of him after he and Twilight last visited the Castle...he'd sneaked into the guard captain's quarters and called them all out to formation for inspection in the courtyard over the intercom...in the pouring rain...wearing their helmets backwards...while singing the Equestrian National Anthem. How was he supposed to know they were dumb enough to fall for it and stand there at attention singing like that until the next morning? Then again...it probably didn't help that he'd put up a hot pink banner behind them that read "Butt Stallions United! Out, Loud, and Proud!!" But it was hot pink! How the hell didn't they notice it when they went outside?!

"I know, Spike, and I'm sorry. But I'm a Royal Princess now...and that means I have royal duties now." (...hehehe...."doodies"...man...I've been hanging around Rainbow too much lately...)

"So...what?! Does that mean we gotta' pack up and leave every time the Castle has another stupid console...conscript...uhh...consort.."

"Consortium. A royal consortium. And, yes...we do."

"Well...that's a royal pain in the ass!"

"Spike! Language!"

"What? Now that you're a princess, you can't say "ass"?!"

"No, I've never liked the use of profanity. You know that. I know you're at the age where you think cursing is "cool" or some such nonsense, but it isn't...it's childish and inappropriate. And furthermore...it-" (What a windbag...)

"Oh, get off your soapbox, Twi! You're not my mom!"

"Trust me! I know! If I were, I'd wash your mouth out with soap!"

Twilight was more like a big sister than a mother. It was Princess Celestia who'd served in that capacity after he'd been hatched twelve years ago on that day of Twilight's entry exam for the School of Gifted Unicorns. Eleven year old Twilight and Spike had both been raised by Celestia afterwards....the Princess was more a mother to Twilight than her own biological mom in a lot of ways. The two of them had grown up together under Celestia's watchful eye at the school. Eventually, Twi went on to graduate, earning not one but two doctorates and became Celestia's personal protégé...a fact that likely went to her head despite her constant attempts to "humble" herself. Of course, Twilight's so-called "modesty" didn't stop her from ordering Spike around and patronizing him. Even though they usually got along pretty well, her tendency to "nurture" him caused some friction...and as it was an inevitability of sibling friction, they got into the occasional fight. Spike loved his adopted sister dearly, but she could be a giant, sanctimonious pain in his ass sometimes. Which is why he loved it when Rainbow played the occasional prank on her...it always put things in perspective for her.

"I'll say whatever I want, and you can't stop me! Ass, fart, turd, queef!" Twilight likely didn't even know what a "queef" was.

"Would you cut that out!? Honestly, Spike! I'm just trying to elevate you!"

"And now you're making fun of me 'cuz I'm short!"

"Ugh!! You're impossible!"

"So is your face!" (Burn! Take that!)

"That doesn't even make any sense!"

"Neither does your face!" (Yeah! Double burn!)

"What...what does that even?...I don't...ugh...I need an aspirin..." Twilight put her hoof to her forehead in exasperation and walked towards the library's kitchen. Oh, no she didn't! She was only trying to bail on him, because she knew he was winning the argument!

"Oh, no you don't! You're not just gonna' act like you're "above it all" and walk away on me like you're soooo much more mature! You know I'm right!" Twilight opened the kitchen cabinet and took out a bottle of aspirin.

"Spike...for the love of God! Would you PLEASE stop shouting and listen to reason? I don't have a choice here. And it was just a year ago that you were angry at me for trying to "replace" you with Owliscious...now you're angry that I want your help?" She opened the bottle and began filling a small glass of water...she popped two aspirins and washed them down.

"That's not it at all! You're just trying to make me sound ungrateful or something! Every time I start making friends of my own and try to learn who I am, I gotta' drop everything to run off with you to the Castle or go save Equestria from certain doom!...wait...scratch that last part..."

"I've never stopped you from making friends! How could you say something like that?" He was really just looking for any excuse he could find to get out of having to stay at the Castle. The food there was terrible. Princess Celestia was on a new dieting kick, and she always made Spike take part with her when they stayed. He couldn't stand soy milk, celery, and all that other crap. That was chick food. He loved Canterlot, but it wasn't worth staying at the Castle and giving up fried food to visit their old hometown.

"Okay...maybe not...b-but every time I try to branch out and do my own thing, you gotta' throw me for a loop! You never let me try to find myself! I just started taking guitar lessons at the rec center! You want me to just waste 30 bits for nothing?!" He was a free spirit, man. Why couldn't she just like...let him find himself?

"First off... I paid for your guitar lessons after you begged me. Secondly...that was after I'd already paid for those hip hop dance classes that you quit last week. And lastly...the week before that, I had to pay for your "junior magician's starter kit"...that you intentionally threw away...so you could guilt me into paying for your dance lessons!!" She almost made it all sound really stupid. Where'd she get the nerve?

"That's...that's totally different!!" Yeah. Totally different.

"How?! How is taking guitar lessons that you're probably going to quit once you get bored of them any different?"

"B-because!....because they're guitar lessons!" Technically, he wasn't wrong. Yeah. He sure told her.

"Oh...for the love of....They have FREE music lessons in the auditorium at the Castle! The court composer could teach you to play guitar!" (Oh. Crap.)

"S-so?! The...uhh...the acoustics at the Castle are like...uhh...totally wrong for my style of playing!" (Nice save...nice.)

"Oh, really? And what style of music would that be, Spike? Please elaborate." (Shit.)

"Uhh...I'm going for like a...kinda'...like an indie/punk/jazz/ska fusion sorta' sound. It's called "indipunkskajazz." It's pretty experimental." Twilight rolled her eyes. She wasn't buying it.

"Oh, please! This is just another stupid ploy to impress Rarity! Just like the dance lessons and magic kit!" She was onto him...he needed to play his "trump card." Begging.

"Oh, come on, Twilight! I don't wanna' go! You'll do fine without me! Why can't I just stay and take care of the library?"

"Because you aren't old enough to stay by yourself, and I need your help! If I leave you here all by yourself, you'll just binge on ice cream, get sick, and burn the library to the ground! You left the stove on yesterday while I was at the Mayor's office!" Oh. He'd forgotten about that.

"Big deal! That was just that one time! It was a fluke! I'm totally fine on my own! Just name one other time when I-"

"Gladly! The time you ran off to go join the Dragon Migration...the first time you petsat for us when we went to the Crystal Empire to meet the Equestria Games inspector...the second time you petsat and tried to sell Fluttershy's rabbit to that Gryphonic chef for his new dish...the time you had to give PeeWee back to his parents, because you didn't know the first thing about taking care of a baby phoenix...and most recently...the last time I left you alone at the Castle, and you almost made half the Castle Guard come down with pneumonia...I believe I already mentioned leaving the stove on and trying to frame Owliscious for mouse-murder. Am I forgetting anything? Need I go on?" Not good. She had him on the ropes.

"No...."

"I thought so."

"It's...it's still not fair!" So not fair.

"Life isn't fair, Spike. That's a fact." Apparently, that went doubly so for Spike the dragon's life. So not fair, man.

"W-well...I don't wanna' go! You can't make me!!" He was like...a big, macho super stud who was practically all grown up already! She couldn't tell him what do! She wasn't the boss of him! He was going to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted!..because...that's...what being a grown up was about! (...I might need to do a quick fact check for that last bit...) Twilight merely shook her head in resignation. She didn't seem upset anymore...she was completely calm and had a sad look in her eyes. Uh oh. Spike knew what that meant. She was about to unleash "the nuclear option."

"If you really don't want to go, I won't force you. But I'll be very disappointed in you. Honestly...you're being very selfish, Spike. You're not the only one who's going to suffer. I'm leaving my friends here, too, you know. I can hardly believe you can't stray a little outside your comfort zone to help me when I need you the most. And after all we've been through together..." Of course. She had to play the "guilt card." It easily trumped begging. She had sunk his "argument" entirely. (Crap. Abandon ship!)

"...*sigh*...fine...I'll start packing in a bit..." Twilight's expression softened. He could tell she felt bad about uprooting him from Ponyville and his friends. But...apparently not bad enough to let him stay.

"I'm sorry, Spike...but....tell you what...why don't you just take the day off today?" He perked up immediately.

"Huh?"

"You can go see all your friends before we leave. You know...say your farewells and the like."

"Aww, man...you're making it sound like we're never coming back to Ponyville!" Mostly it was the "say your farewells" bit that was the culprit in that regard.

"What?! How absurd! Of course, we're coming back, Spike! Just...ugh...just go take a walk or something...clear your head for a bit." Eh. Sounded like a good idea.

"Fine. Whatever...thanks..."

He didn't want to sound too grateful...that wasn't cool. And Spike was all about being cool, son. He was like...the hippest dude ever...the coolest cat in town. He was about on par with Rainbow Dash in terms of radicalness...well...almost. Spike was about "three popped collars" cool. Rainbow was about a five...but he was catching up to her! At least he was the second coolest cat in town. That was something, right? That was some consolation...and being the second coolest person in town was still pretty damn cool. So cool, in fact, that it made Spike wonder why none of his inherent coolness had seemed to rub off on his adopted big sister. His coolness was like radiation...she should've gotten at least a little bit irradiated by now...(wait...that sounds...stupid.)

"Cheer up, Spike. I promise we won't be gone for longer than three months at the most. We'll be back before you know it...and look on the bright side...you'll appreciate Ponyville even more after you've been missing it for a while, so you'll love it here even more after we get back." That last part rang true for Spike, as Ponyville had quickly supplanted Canterlot as his beloved hometown...but he couldn't say the same for Twilight's "promise." The last time they'd visited the Castle she'd promised him they wouldn't stay there longer than a few days. They ended up staying three weeks.

"Yeah. I guess..."

"Remember what I told you the last time we left Ponyville? In the famous words of the Equus Empire poet, Sextus Somniator, "Absence only makes the heart grow fonder." You'll have a newfound appreciation for Ponyville when we get back. I promise." A maxim? Lame. (Ha! More like "Incense only makes the fart seem stronger." Hehehe...I crack me up.)

"Sure, Twi. Whatever you say." He was too cool to care about what an old, dead guy in a toga had to say. Togas were stupid. They were just bed sheets that you wrapped around yourself. And most importantly...togas didn't have collars to pop. What a travesty.

"Well, I'm glad we're not fighting anymore at the very least."

"...*sigh*...man...so what're you gonna' be doing all day while I'm gone?" He guessed she'd be reading something. Something boring. And nerdy. And complicated. But mostly just boring.

"I have to catch up on some of my studying for the consortium. Some of the world's most brilliant academics are going to be there, so I need to review a few things.", she said while smiling at him.

Yep. Boring. But he didn't want to hurt her feelings...Twilight took a great pride in her intellectualism and reveled in her studies. Studying magical theory, Equestrian history, and the assorted sciences was her life's calling. But Spike couldn't understand how Twilight could possibly think reading a bunch of books while being glued to the same spot for hours was "fun." Life's calling notwithstanding, he'd never openly bash her obssession It'd be like telling an artist who'd passionately painted pictures for years that his life's work was "lame." Twilight smiled warmly at him...apparently, she was just relieved he wasn't arguing with her anymore. A sudden wave of shame and affection for his adopted sibling overtook him. Spike felt like a jerk for giving her such a hard time about something over which she had no control. He felt the least he could do was feign interest in her studies or something. At least to let her know he wasn't mad at her anymore. She'd probably be delighted that he wanted to talk about science and stuff. He decided that a "little, white lie" was in order.

"Sounds...uhh...fun. Yep. Nothing's better than studying, huh?" If that lie had been anymore blatant, it would've announced it's conception with an air raid siren. Not his best performance, he had to admit. (Still better than Manethew Trotterick...why in the hell did they cast him of all ponies as Batmare's nemesis!? Every scene, he's just staring into the camera and mouthbreathing!) Twilight raised one eyebrow with incredulity.

"Hmm? Since when have you ever taken an interest in learning, Spike?"

Twilight shot him an exasperated expression of tired, unenthusiastic resignation. That was unusual. Normally...if Spike so much as even hinted towards something academic in a conversation with the purple Alicorn, she would start gleefully gushing about stuff like "hypotheses"... and "empirical evidence"....or "the foremost authority on convalescent magical theory"...or something like "the various sociopolitical factors that could potentiate the severity of the current economic recession in Equestria." Spike hadn't the foggiest as to the meaning of any of those things. Which was good...because...like...knowing a bunch of stuff from books was totally for nerds, and Spike was anything but a nerd. It wasn't like any of that stuff mattered. None of it had any application in the "real world," as he saw it...and according to Rainbow. It was all just a way for dorks with no life to make stuff up to sound "smart", so they could finally feel good about themselves. Spike wasn't into that. He kept shit real. He was a real OG, son. He was far too cool for school, man. And big words. And reading anything more academically advanced than a comic book. And long division. And good grammar. And...simple arithmetic. Spike didn't feel very smart all of a sudden...

"Uhh...well...just now?" Pretty weak. And she could tell.

"Oooookkkaaaay. Well, then...to answer your question: Oh, dear God, no. It most certainly isn't fun. It's the very antithesis of fun. In fact...and you can call me trite for saying this if you want...I'd go so far as to equate all this to sadomasochistic self-loathing. Pouring back over a bunch of grad school-level treatises on the Philosophy of Magic that I've already read multiple times is pretty much tantamount to Ib'Xianese water torture." Wow. That was...wow. He'd never thought Twi would say all that stuff in a million years!

"Uhh....what? Don't you normally love this kinda' stuff?"

"Well...of course, I do, Spike. When it's not reviewing. Learning something new is always exciting...but having to review things I've already learned is incredibly tedious." Oh. Well, that sounded a lot more like the good ole' Twilight Sparkle he knew and loved. Well...his work was done here. He'd done his good deed for the day.

"Huh. Guess that makes sense...so do you need me to get anything from the store while I'm out?" She magically levitated a massive red tome off a high shelf and placed it on her lectern. She blew the dust off it...she hadn't read this book in a while.

"No...nothing I can think of, Spike. But thanks for asking. Well...*groan*... I need to get cracking at this, if I want to be done reviewing by the next solar eclipse and the like." That was his cue to beat it. He obliged her.

"Yeah, yeah...sure, Twi. I'll be back in while..." He was relieved she was giving him the day off, but he was still feeling a little huffy about having to leave Ponyville. She had a point, though. Maybe a stroll around town would clear his head. But as he was about to leave, he suddenly heard a knock at the door...

"Hey, Twi! Spike! Somepony! Jeez, man! Today would be nice.", called a familiar voice from outside the door. (Rainbow?) He'd barely begun moving to answer the door before she'd already knocked again.

“Hey, Twilight! Open up, willya’?” (Jeez! Just wait like...two seconds!)

Rainbow wasn't the most patient of ponies...which made sense considering she was likely the fastest flyer in all Equestria. Maybe even the world. In Rainbow's eyes, everypony else probably seemed maddeningly slow. Spike unlocked the door and opened it to reveal the colorful, petite form of his favorite "girlbro." (Huh...maybe "fembro?"...nah...that sounds kinda' like...a tranny or something...) He was surprised she actually knocked on the door this time. Usually, she just flew into the library with no warning through one of the windows. One of which, she'd broken after crashing through it. Thankfully, she'd paid for it's repair...three months later.

“Hey, Rainbow. Here to see, Twi? She’s stuck in some book about Philosophy of Magic and junk. She’ll be busy with it for a while.” "A while" actually translated to "a really friggin' long-ass time" in Rainbow's understanding. Regardless, he was happy to see her.

“Aw, crap. Thanks, Spike. But can I just go up and talk to her anyway? Only be a minute.” Good luck with that.

Even though Rainbow wasn't here to see him, he was always glad to talk to her. She was his favorite (well...maybe not as much as Rarity...) out of all five of Twilight's friends, and she was pretty much the coolest chick you could ever meet. She and Spike got along pretty well. They had the same sense of humor and both loved playing pranks on Twilight. Rainbow was a pretty unique specimen of her gender. She took being a tomcolt to a whole, new level. If Spike couldn't visibly discern Rainbow's sex with his own eyes, he'd think he was talking to a college-age fratboy sometimes. And reasonably so. The lithe, blue Pegasus pretty much acted like a colt for the most part...she burped out loud, told dirty jokes, cursed incessantly, threatened to beat ponies up, listened to heavy metal almost exclusively, and chugged bottles of beer in public and smashed them on the ground. And she'd been arrested by Constable Steelheart several times for engaging in any number or combination of the aforementioned behaviors.

“Sure, no problem. But you won’t be able to grab her atten-woah!! Rainbow! What’s that metal stuff in your face?!” The baby dragon pointed at three small, metallic objects embedded in her nose, lip, and left ear. Well, this was new.

Rainbow pretty much eschewed all things feminine with extreme prejudice. She hated when her friends tried to take her to the spa or go shopping. She hated when her friends tried to give her makeovers or ask her to act more "ladylike." She hated having to model dresses for Rarity, but she'd often do so anyway to help her friend. She used words like "dude", "hella' tight", and "bro" in common speech. It was a wonder how Rainbow managed to make friends with even one other mare let alone five, seeing as they didn't often have much in common. Not a problem for him, though. Spike just treated her like a guy when they hung out, and thanks to her masculine mannerisms, they got along famously. If Rainbow had any secret, girly thoughts or behaviors at all, she kept them well hidden. Spike had never seen her willingly so much as do one girly thing...in the exception of one thing...one dead giveaway that betrayed her boyish persona and belied her vulnerability and gender. And it was a pretty obvious thing, too. You'd be able to see it from a mile away.

“Just some piercings, dude. Relax. I got ‘em done yesterday after work.” Huh. Well, it figured. Rainbow always was impulsive. This sounded like something she might do on nothing more than an errant bout of whimsy....Spike decided that he didn't like the word "whimsy." It sounded kind of...well...gay. Not "gay" as in "homo" or anything. The other kind of "gay." As for the prismatic filly's dead giveaway...

Basically, Rainbow was pretty crazy for Applejack's older brother, Big Mac. And "pretty crazy" was an understatement. It was really more an obsession. Whenever the little, blue Pegasus so much as got to within shouting distance of the big, red stallion, she devolved from being a brash, fearless stunt flyer into a boy-crazy, preteen schoolfilly who'd just gotten her first crush. She'd start blushing and nervously stammering uncontrollably like a eight year old with a head injury and would sheepishly stare at the ground until the big stallion had left. Spike had a feeling Rainbow wasn't nearly as experienced with dating and whatnot as she said she was. In all the time he'd known about her...well...blatantly obvious crush, she had never worked up the nerve to so much as talk to the guy.

But that didn't stop her from obsessively fawning over him from afar. He'd visited the farm a few times in the past to find Rainbow leaning on a fence by one of the fields and watching Mac work. She'd be giggling to herself, cooing and blushing while she ogled his rear. (Ugh...barf...) After she'd gotten enough of a "show" for one day, she would then sigh woefully to herself and turn around to leave, glancing back at the giant mute one last time with the most pitiful expression of miserable longing one could ever see. Even though Spike felt a bit sorry for her and all, he also found it kind of sickening. It was that nauseating "kissy-wissy, smoochy-woochy, I wuv you thiiiiiss much!!" kind of sickening. He and Rarity totally weren't like that. Their love was like...real and...mature and stuff. Totally different.

“Jeez, Rainbow…Did they hurt?” Not only did she get her face pierced, but she'd gotten it pierced in three places! All at once! Rainbow was one tough broad. That was for sure. But she had terrible taste in guys.

Honestly, Spike wasn't at all sure what Rainbow saw in that gigantic, red mute anyway. Yeah, maybe he was pretty jacked...but so what? He no personality to speak of. Rainbow didn't even really know the guy. But Spike did...he knew. Spike had never really liked the big mute himself...and that was before he knew how messed he was! The guy was friggin' weird to begin with, but after that one day outside the shed.... He barely talked to anypony, and when he did, he only said "eeyup" or "eenope." That was pretty weird in Spike's book, but the majority of the town's populace, especially the mares, thought it was charming and adorable. Spike knew better. He knew that guy was messed up. There was something really...really wrong with that guy. And he knew it wasn't just his personal bias or imagination either. He'd seen it firsthand. It was that time where he, Twilight, and her friends had helped the Apple family beat the Flim Flam brothers in that cider contest. After it was all over, Spike had sneaked out to one of the farm's storage sheds where he'd watched Big Mac carry a leftover barrel cider. The little dragon had peeked inside the shed from one of the little outside windows to watch for when Mac left. Spike had been planning on just innocently sneaking a quick cup of free cider and then being on his way, but he was treated to something entirely different...

“Nah. So, whaddya’ think?” Honestly? He thought they looked pretty cool. They made her look pretty "street." Pretty much everything Rainbow did was the epitome of cool. Spike had emulated many of her mannerisms in speech and habit to try to be as cool as her. Of course, he'd never tell her this. It was uncool to gush about how cool somepony else was. In fact, it was like...lame. He'd better play it cool like he didn't care or something. Apathy was the central, fundamental foundation of "coolness." But as for Mac...

The big, red stallion had started muttering something about "the black" and "it's scratching again." The guy started hyperventilating and sweating. He clenched his teeth and donned an expression of furious rage. He cursed every profane word known to equinity. He began laughing and crying at the same time, saying something about how he "couldn't do this anymore." Then...suddenly...he stopped. His expression changed to one of a blank, dull void. Emotionless. Then he turned his towards the window from where Spike was peeking in. The little dragon had almost panicked thinking this overgrown lunatic had caught him spying and was going to rip him in half...but no. Mac had been staring at...the wall of the shed next to the window...staring...at nothing...his eyes wide open...he looked like he was about a thousand miles away. The red stallion then spoke...some words. These next few words had been haunting Spike's dreams for an entire year since he'd first heard them:

"Insects...crawled outta' them holes. But they can't eat me yet. 'Cause I'm nothin'. No...ya' can't eat nothin'." Spike shuddered inwardly so Rainbow wouldn't notice.

“I…don’t really know what to think. I don’t know anything about what’s “cool” nowadays stuck in the library and castle all the time. Maybe you should ask Twilight.” Like a boss. Spike smiled at her. She was a good friend. Loyal. Generous. She could even be sweet occasionally. And..vulnerable...

He felt scared for her sometimes...she had no idea. No idea...just how...wrong that guy was. If she got involved with that freak...then...Spike had no idea what would happen...but he knew it wouldn't be anything good. He prayed she stayed far away from that guy...he was a ticking time bomb...a horrific disaster just waiting to happen. Spike didn't know if that psycho knew how Rainbow felt about him or not. He prayed that he didn't. That freak better keep away from his girlbro. He'd better not catch him hurting her...or...or...man! Would he ever...like...do something! (Maybe...find a cannon to shoot at him or something...he's pretty huge.) Spike wasn't sure if even a mound of explosives would stop that beast. Did Rainbow really...really have to fall for the one crazy guy who could very well be the strongest dude in all of Equestria?! It was pretty damn unfortunate...for Spike.

“Oh, I’m sure she’ll love ‘em, dude.” Oh. Crap. She'd said that while wearing her signature "Hellraising grin." Mischief was about to be afoot. Twi was already kind of pissy and bummed out today. He'd better warn Rainbow not to set the prissy, purple princess off, or he'd come back later today to find a smoldering crater where the library used to be.

“…right…I smell a big argument coming, and I don’t want anything to do with it. I’ll be at Sugarcube Corner until “Her Majesty” is done lecturing you or whatever. You know how anal-retentive she is. Have fun hearing all about "the dangers of unsanitary tattoo parlors and lead poisoning." She's on edge as is right now." The two of them were always ribbing Twilight Sparkle for...well...pretty much just being "Twilight Sparkle." She was pretty much asking for it what with her being so nerdy and authoritative all the time. As much as Spike loved his adopted sister, he occasionally liked to knock her down a peg when she got too big for her britches...but only to a certain limit. Rainbow had no such limit. This worried him substantially.

“Heheheh…no prob, Spike. If you want, we can hang out later. I know you’re crawling the walls right now. Seeya’.” Hey, cool!

That'd be great!...but...he couldn't let her know how much he wanted to hang out with her. That'd be uncool. Apathy was again in order. Spike just nodded nonchalantly at her like a true OG. (Yeah. Nailed it.) He parted ways with her and headed out of the library. Where should he go first today? (Hmm...ah. Rarity's.) He decided to take the scenic route to the boutique today. Even though it was a lot farther to walk than just heading straight there from the library, Spike love those old country back roads. Walking down the old, dirt trails in the warm sunshine and listening to the sounds of nature without having to endure the hardships of actually camping out in the wilderness? Dragon, please! That was as good a way as any to unwind and clear your head. And Spike definitely needed that right now. It'd probably be a long while before he'd have a chance to walk those trails again. What could it hurt? He'd only take an hour long stroll...then he'd head over to Rarity's. The little dragon left the library behind him and set off down the forest trail.

Spike's thoughts turned back to his girlbro. They could totally hang out later! That'd be the tits! But...Rainbow would likely go to a bar or something with Pinkie...which wouldn't be so bad if she'd let Spike drink and do grown-up stuff. But nooooo! Rainbow just had to be "responsible" or something when they hung out...like that time she'd hassled him for wanting to join the Dragon Migration in fear he'd get hurt. Honestly, it was somewhat the only chink in her coolness armor...well asides from her obsession with that big, red lunatic. Whatever. He could live with it. It wasn't that big a deal. Rainbow was still tons of fun to hang with. And as an added bonus, no pony bothered them when they hung out. Rainbow had garnered herself a fearsome reputation around town due to the fact that she'd beaten up several ponies, some of whom were even stallions, in the roughly three year span she'd lived in Ponyville. He knew she'd moved here from Cloudsdale after her mom had gotten her a job at the local weather station. She was the assistant weather control supervisor and was pretty much in charge of the entire team...of course, Ponyville's diminutive nature meant that the "entire team" was only three ponies. So...it was pretty laid back. But Spike bet that neither of Rainbow's subordinates dared to talk back to her or give any grief. They knew better. It wasn't healthy. Emotionally vulnerable or not, the petite, little Pegasus was a force to be reckoned with when angered.

"I bet she could even give the constable a run for his money...yeah. Probably not." The musclebound constable was far too tough and strong for even Ponyville's most infamous tomcolt, were she to take him head on. But she was still pretty frigging tough.

Tough enough so that no pony messed with her at least. Or if they did, it wasn't for long. In fact, the townsfolk gave her a wide berth when they spotted her walking/flying about. Despite being the smallest mare out of all five of Twilight's friends, with AJ being the biggest and strongest, Rainbow was very likely the toughest scrapper of the bunch. She and AJ had even duked it out a few times...and Rainbow had won most of their fights! She wasn't just tough. She was hardcore! In fact, she used to teach a martial arts class down at the rec center. Spike himself had taken a few of her classes, before she stopped teaching them. And she'd taught Spike some pretty cool self-defense techniques, too. Quite a few of Ponyville's townsfolk had signed up for her self-defense course due to her reputation as a brawler. Spike remembered the very first lesson the brash, foul-mouthed filly had for her students:

"Okay! Now that you jerkoffs are done signing all the forms an' shit, we can get started. First things first...the primary, most fundamental rule in defending yourself is this: "When in doubt, go for his junk." For any mares in this class, this rule also applies to the bedroom. And if you're...like...a dude and that second part about the bedroom applies to you, too...well...whatever. That's cool, too. I ain't judgin'."

Despite the fact that they likely knew this was decent enough advice, the entirety of the classroom's female students all simultaneously had rolled their eyes and began whispering stuff about how Rainbow was "trying too hard"..."overcompensating for something"..."not fooling anypony"...etcetera, etcetera. Spike didn't quite know that to which they'd referred. Were they talking about how Rainbow was just pretending to be tough and was really just a wuss or something? Then why'd they sign up for her class in the first place? And hadn't they heard about some of the fights she'd won against much bigger, stronger opponents? There was no way Rainbow had been lying about that stuff. In fact, she'd been arrested several times for assault. Spike had even been told by Constable Steelheart himself of how he'd had to arrest Rainbow one time...she'd beaten the crap out of some huge, burly stallion at a bar for calling her a "loudmouthed bitch." Nope. There wasn't any denying the little stunt flyer's credentials.

She really knew her stuff when it came to fighting and athletics. For a while, she and Spike had worked out together in the rec center's weight room. Spike had stuck to the dumbbells (with some pretty beast results) while Rainbow had eschewed them in favor of using the pull-up bar and doing something called "planks"...which had nothing to do with wood as was his initial guess but were in fact a series of stretched out, uncomfortable positions that you had hold for prolonged periods to work your "core muscles." Rainbow told him that those were like his abdominals and stuff. Spike patted his belly. Yep. He was getting a six-pack alright. And it was all for his lady. But when was the last time he'd worked out? A week ago? A month? Eh, screw it. Whatever. He was already pretty jacked. He flexed his left bicep as he walked down the old country road to town to his future wife's boutique.

"Yeah, I can lay off the weights for a while. Don't wanna' get too buff. Don't wanna' scare Rare away by getting too jacked." Yeah. That was it.

He'd been lifting like crazy for a while. He deserved a treat. He could afford to have a bear claw or two from Sugarcube Corner. They'd likely be the last pastries he'd eat for the next few months. Couldn't hurt. He could just go on over to Rarity's after he had a few pastries...like three donuts....or five. (Yeah. Five.) Rarity would still think he was hot. He continued daydreaming about the beautiful, white Unicorn fawning over his physique as he walked. She was totally his girl. It was practically official...well...maybe...eventually...just...not yet...eventually, though... Spike liked his ladies to have class and sophistication. (Just like me!...*sigh*...she's just so...wonderful...I wonder...I wonder if she ever thinks about me, too?...) An errant fantasy of Rarity in a lacy, white dress began forming in his little head...she was wearing a wedding dress...it was their wedding. He involuntarily giggled and blushed like a schoolfilly much to his chagrin. When they finally got married, Spike would probably have to cut back on hanging out with Rainbow a little bit to keep from making his wife too jealous. But Rare wouldn't have anything to worry about. She was his girl. Even though he really liked Rainbow, she just wasn't his type, man. She was way too much like a dude for his tastes. Nah. She was just another bro. Or kind of like another adopted sister or something.

Rarity was way more his speed. Beautiful...elegant...smart...classy...yeah. So...perfect. He'd get her...eventually. It was destiny!...but...well...he'd have to get old enough for her. But...that wasn't much of a problem. He was already really mature for his age, right? Yeah. Spike's daydream continued, as he unwittingly walked down the old, dirt trail on his way to his favorite restaurant without a care in the world. Of course, this wasn't to last. The gods had seen how Spike's day was improving gradually, so they decided to screw with him some more to even things out. Apparently, their only job was to make sure he didn't enjoy his life too much by sending assorted catastrophes and setbacks his way with a vengeance...for the sole sake of screwing with him. And screw with him, they most certainly did. Oh, did they ever. The sudden sound of somepony's voice nearby caught his attention....it sounded familiar...and caustic...and smarmy...(That can't be good.)

"Hey, little dude! Yeah, you! I'm talkin' to you, turd!" Oh. Neat. Another gift from the gods to "brighten" his day. It was such wonderful luck he had. Maybe an errant meteorite would smash him on his way to town, too.

The voice belonged to a twenty-something Pegasus stallion with a dark brown coat and cream colored mane. The burly-looking Pegasus was standing next to an even burlier caramel coated stallion with a dark brown mane that seemed to cover his eyes so completely that it made Spike wonder how he could even see. Unfortunately, Spike immediately recognized the two of them. (Dumb-Bell and Hoops?! Here? Now? Why?!) These two idiots and their absent buddy, Score, worked as janitors over at the big weather plant in Cloudsdale. The trio were Rainbow Dash's long-standing, personal bullies who'd been giving her hell since she was in grade school. Spike knew they were just a bunch of losers who picked on smaller ponies to feel better about their shitty lives. Spike included. Apparently, they didn't discriminate against species...and they likely had way too much time on their hands, as losers were so very often wont to having.

But these guys usually stayed out of Ponyville...especially after Rainbow had lost her cool a few weeks ago and sent Score straight to the ER at Ponyville Municipal Hospital with multiple compound fractures and internal bleeding. The three idiots had been teasing her mercilessly that day and didn't have the sense enough to tell when a pony was about to snap. And snap, she most certainly did! Hoops and Dumb-Bell had been lucky enough to only receive a small portion of Rainbow's assault on Score as collateral damage, both of them ending up with broken noses and several bruises. Apparently, the three idiots were so terrified of the little stunt flyer afterwards that they refused to press charges against her in fear she'd come after them again in retribution. Needless to say...they steered clear of the fiery filly from then on. So...why were they here again? Out here on this near-deserted, old road? For no reason?! Were they seriously this stupid?!!

"Hehehe....that's funny!...because...hehehe...he's a turd!!", chortled Hoops idiotically. The big imbecile pretty much only parroted whatever his fearless leader said. Spike doubted he even had a mind of his own...or even at least a mind distinctively intelligent enough to discern the sentience of it's proprietor.

"I just said that, dumbass. Stop copying me."

"Sorry...my bad, man." Spike took advantage of their diffused attention spans, limited as they were, and briskly began walking away. These guys may be stupid, but they were still trouble. Maybe he could make a run for it and get help...yeah! They wouldn't be so tough when they got an eyeful of a certain blue Pegasus...but how far away was the library? He estimated...pretty far. Damn. He should've just stayed on the main drag! Why'd he have to take one of Ponyville's side roads today of all days?!

"Whatever. Just cut it out...now where'd that little turd get to?...hey! You! Wait up!" Crap. They caught him. Well...there was no way he could outrun them, so he better just turn around and face the music. Who knows? Maybe he'd get lucky. They might be feeling pacifistic today or something and wouldn't pummel him to within an inch of his young life. Maybe they'll only tease him for a bit and send him on his way...(Here's to hoping.)

"Yeah? What d'ya' want this time? I'm kinda' in a hurry...", said Spike, turning back towards the malevolent duo. But as soon as he faced them, Dumb-Bell broke into a fit of hysterical laughter. After a full ten second bout of staring vacantly at his fearless leader while breathing with his mouth open, Hoops began mimicking his leader's guffaws. He likely didn't even know what was so funny.

"Oh, man!! You gotta' be kidding me!! Are you seriously wearing that right now?! Is this like...a friggin' dream or something?! This can't be real!! I gotta' be imaginin' this outta' boredom or somethin'!! This is too perfect!! Hahahaha!!!" What was so damn funny? Wearing what?

"What are you talking about?"

"Are you serious? Are you...are you being serious with me right now?! You honestly don't know?! Dude! You're wearing a pink, frilly apron with a big, gay heart on it!! Hehehehe...it's like...the gayest thing I've ever seen!!" Oh. Balls. Spike had completely forgotten to take his apron off before leaving. His face began burning red with anger and embarrassment.

"Hahaha!!...yeah!! I know, right, Bell? It's the gayest thing ever!" Dumb-Bell ignored him. Hoops didn't bring too much to the group dynamic. It left something to be desired. Too bad Score was still in the hospital, or he could've been here to look blankly at Spike and not say anything...with that...weird "thousand yard stare" of his. Yeah. Spike's life wasn't at all diminished by his absence.

"Shut up! It's not gay!" Uhh...he'd just blurted that out in anger...but these guys were really...well...big. Maybe he'd do well to keep his trap shut.

"Hehehe...oh, man! Yeah, it is!! You tryin' to tell everypony somethin' with that apron, turd? What are ya'? A gay dragon? You a fag or somethin'?!" Spike's face burned an even darker shade of crimson. These guys were such douchebags! Didn't they have anything better to do than give him a hard time?!

"Hehehe!!...yeah!! He's a faggot!!" Dumb-Bell held one hoof to his temple in exasperation.

"Goddammit, Hoops....*sigh*", he whispered in a barely audible voice.

"Why can't you guys lay off me? I got no beef with you. Cut me some slack!" It was a reasonable demand, wasn't it? But these two weren't reasonable ponies. Anything but. In fact, they were virtually the very anathema of intelligent dialogue...the very death of reason itself. So...yeah. In laymen's terms, they were basically just a couple of stupid assholes.

"Hehehe...no way, turd!"

"Hehehe...yeah! No way, turd!" Dumb-Bell grimaced at his dull-witted lackey. Spike could see that Hoops' mimicry was gradually eroding away his leader's already limited capacity for temperance.

"Why not? C'mon, guys! What've I ever done to you!? Give me a break!" Did he sound too pathetic? Were bullies like animals in the wild? Did they pounce on you if they detected even a trace of weakness? Like a wolf or a mountain lion? No...wolves and mountain lions were a lot smarter and more receptive to negotiating.

"Hehehe...not a chance, turd! Especially not after wearing that apron around town like that. It's like you're letting everypony know how proud you are to be a faggot or somethin'!! Hehehe...." What an argument. Astounding. Such erudition. Spike was rendered mute with an enthralled admiration for Prof. Dumb-Bell's astonishing verbosity and wholly brilliant penchant for philosophy.

"Hehehe....yeah! Faggot pride!! Hehehe..." Spike could tell that Dumb-Bell's patience had almost been stretched to it's limit.

"What's it like being a fag and a dragon? Does that make you a "fagon?"

"Hehehe...you said he's a fag and a dragon, so he's a "fagon!" Dumb-Bell snapped.

"I swear to God, Hoops...seriously...if you don't cut that shit out, I'm gonna' punch you right in the throat. Last warning." Hoops whimpered in terror and obliged his fearless leader. Well...it was as good a distraction as any. That was Spike's cue to "cheese it."

"Well...I'm real glad we had this talk. I'll see you guys later..."

"You're not going anywhere, turd. I got an idea...how 'bout we make ya' eat that apron? How d'ya' like that, huh?" Spike didn't very much at all care for that idea. But Hoops apparently did. The big idiot strained mightily to resist parroting his leader's so-called "one-liners" back to him with the added bonus of some inane guffaws and subsequent mouthbreathing to sweeten the deal.

"Uhh...no thanks, Dumb-Bell. I just ate..."

"I don't care, turd. Do it. If you make us laugh, we'll let ya' go. Promise." Spike sincerely doubted that.

Spike frantically considered his options...well...he was never very good at competitive eating despite his considerable appetite...so yeah. He thought back to one of Rainbow's lessons in self-defense...she'd even gave her students a pamphlet to read as homework...the Five Steps To Successfully Assessing A Conflict. First step...what was it?...oh..."assess the situation and environment." Well, the three of them were too far from Mane Street out here on some dusty, old road for anypony to come save Spike from getting pummeled into a reptilian leather handbag. He'd have to stand his ground...second step..."assess your assailants." Well...these guys were pretty big. Too big to take in an honest fight. He'd have to think of something more...underhanded.

Also, these guys were too fast for him to make a "tactical retreat"...or more commonly known as "running away like a scared, little girl while leaving a trail of urine in one's wake." Third step..."assess your abilities and options"...Spike took a pass on that first part...how could he level the playing field against these guys? What should he do? What would...what would Rainbow Dash do? He looked down at the dusty road...dust...hmm. Ah. He had his "secret weapon." Now for the fourth step..."make a plan of action"...hmm. Yeah. Perfect. This might actually work! Only one step left now. He just needed to buy some more time by playing along for a little bit longer. He stepped forward to get within range of his target. He only had one shot at this...

"Uhh...I don't think I can finish it all, but I'll try. You promise to leave me alone afterwards?"

He didn't care what Dumb-Bell did or didn't promise. The malicious stallion's word was about as reliable as a five-bit crack whore's insistence that she'd never so much caught a single "illness" in the line of duty. And this was, by sheer coincidence, a rather pertinent simile to use here. Dumb-Bell's mother was renowned as a rather exceptionally desperate crackhead. And to support her habit, she'd become one of Cloudsdale's cheapest and most accessible crack whores. She was so well-known in Ponyville and on the mean streets of Cloudsdale's low income housing district that she'd become the butt of some rather cruel jokes. (I.e. "What do taxi cabs and Dumb-Bell's mom have in common? They both charge fare for each ride!") The guy was pretty sensitive about it, too. It was likely why he had such a chip on his shoulder and took it out on everypony. And Spike fully planned on exploiting this knowledge.

"Heh. Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Get to chewin', turd." Spike began undoing his apron and feigned dropping it on the ground by accident. As he was picking it back up, he discreetly smuggled a clawful of dusty earth into the front pocket of his apron. Now he just needed to bait his opponent into making the first move. He was still too far away.

"Okay. But before I do...wouldn't you like to know where I got this apron?" Dumb-Bell and Hoops looked at one another with confusion.

"Huh? Why would I care where you got that fruity lookin' thing?"

"Oh, you know...just thought you might wanna' know is all..."

"Fine. I'll bite. Where'd ya' get it, turd?"

"Out of your mom's closet. She let me wear it while I was making her breakfast this morning." Bingo. Dumb-Bell fell for the bait. He was livid.

"Hey!!! Watch what you say about my mom, you jerkoff!! I don't know what you heard, but my mother is a saint!! Everypony is just...just lying about her!!!"

"Yep. I didn't even have to pay. In fact, she paid me." That parting comment did the trick.

"That's it, turd!!! I'm kickin' yer ass!!!", cried Dumb-Bell as he predictably initiated a lumbering charge towards his tormentor to defend his mother's honor.

"Come at me, bro!!", cried Spike while beating his chest and holding his arms out wide.

Now it was time for the fifth step..."execute your plan of action." Spike waited until the big Pegasus got to within spitting distance...and tossed a clawful of the dirt he'd smuggled into his apron right in Dumb-Bell's angry, blue eyes. His reaction was immediate. The stallion began screaming in pain while trying to wipe his eyes clean with his hooves. Spike took advantage of his opponent's temporary incapacitation by sinking the clawed front portion of his left foot right into the stallion's "family jewels." Dumb-Bell wheezed with agony and slumped over, falling to the ground in a pathetic heap. The big wuss then began sobbing and covering his eyes with his wings in shame. (Wow...so much for a dignified defeat...) Hoops merely stood nearby uselessly and watched the entire ordeal with abject horror.

"...*sob*...owww....you...*sob*...you kicked me in my dangle parts!!" Yep. Rainbow's "Golden Rule of Self-Defense" had come in handy. He had to remember to thank her later.

"I sure did. And you deserved it, too!!" He had indeed! Spike hadn't been doing anything at all to bother anypony! He'd just been minding his own business and fantasizing innocently about marrying a certain lovely, white Unicorn when these two douchebags showed up and started messing with him! He'd had just been so...goddamn fed up with being pushed around all the time. But not anymore! This was but a single, victorious battle in the war for his dignity and freedom from persecution. There were many more battles to fight.

"Hoops!!...*sob*...don't just stand there, you idiot!!...*sob*...get 'im!!" Hoops didn't all look enthused with that order. Spike knew the big imbecile wasn't difficult to intimidate. He breathed a green gout of fire out his mouth and clenched his fists threateningly. Hoops backed away, holding one hoof over his unmentionables.

"Where ya' goin'?! I got enough for the both of ya'!" Spike was feeling pretty alpha right about now. It was a pretty awesome feeling.

"...*sob*...no fair! No fair!...*sob*...you cheated!!", cried a miserable, petulant Dumb-Bell. A few seconds of self-pity and moaning later, the dark brown stallion had lost control of his bladder. A golden pool of urine began forming underneath the big jerk. If Dumb-Bell had hoped to retain even a tiny shred of his dignity before now, he was likely very disappointed. Hoops wisely kept a respectful distance from Spike the entire time...he wasn't getting involved. Smart.

"What'd you expect?! You're like...four times my size! Maybe next time you'll think twice about messing with somepony for no reason."

"...*sob*...oooowwww...Mama!...Help!...*sob*..." Wow. This was...wow. This was really just...sad. Spike began feeling kind of bad about the whole ordeal. But he had one last thing to take care of before he departed. He picked his dirty apron off the ground and tossed it down in front of Dumb-Bell's pitiful, prostrate form.

"Here. Take this back to your mom for me. Tell I said "thanks" for a great time last night." Like a boss. He didn't mind losing the apron. He had an entire closet full of them back at the library.

Spike couldn't derive anymore satisfaction in this victory over his bullies, so he decided be on his way. He pivoted on his heels and left the two idiotic Pegasi behind him, as he continued on his way down the dusty, old side road. He grinned. He was on "Cloud Nine" right about now! Maybe today wasn't turning out so crappy after all. He still had a lot to look forward to...eating bear claws at Sugarcube Corner...visiting all his friends...making "boo-boo eyes" at Rarity.

Yeah. Things were starting to look up for ole' Spike the Dragon! Or so he thought.

Author's Note

Hang in there, my nigs. Shit gets better next chapter. And by "better," I mean "more staple-related." You'll know what I'm talking about after you've read it...but you'll wish you didn't. Quick question for you: How do you guys like the sound of a single, running joke that's repeatedly used...over and over...until it's more or less like beating a dead horse until it's bones are liquefied and it's body resembles a flat, hairy pancake? What? Wha-what's that? You don't like that idea?! Oh!...oh, my...that's...whew!...that's...that's really bad news for you then, friendo. You might want to stop reading past this point...as though anyone is actually fucking stupid enough to read this garbage...heheheh...right? I know, right? Yeah...hehehe....ah....that's funny.

Not like anyone's actually going to read this...or what I'm typing right now. So it's...kinda' like...I'm only talking to myself right now, huh? Because that's like...a thing...that well-adjusted people do...right? RIGHT?!! BECAUSE I'M SO CLEARLY WELL-ADJUSTED!!!!!! *eats an entire box of urinal cakes*