Formless, Nameless; Ageless, Faceless

Formless, Nameless; Ageless, Faceless

By Queue

You Need to Listen Carefully Because...

I crashed onto Twilight’s couch and watched her stumble into the living room like a zombie. This was Celestia’s star pupil, too zealous to ration herself to be able to respond appropriately at a moment’s notice. How disappointing, but not without use. Keeping her off balance would be easy.

She blinked at me a little bit. I’m sure she disapproved of my filthy hooves being on the headrest.

“I’m ready,” she began, steeling her eyes with tired resolve. “You may begin your lecture.”

I floated a sandwich out of my bag and unwrapped it as I spoke. “Yeah, no. Not like this.”

She blinked again. The way her expression lagged behind her confusion reminded me of a fish. “Huh?”

I shook my head and sighed. “You don’t know it, but you’ve asked the fundamental question of what it means to rule. I can’t teach you ‘jack if you don’t know how to think like a ruler.” I jabbed my sandwich at her, sending crumbs and bacon flecks all over the floor. A gryphon would have been offended by such disrespect of their favored delicacy.

Her quill floated over her paper. By the way it moved “prerequisite knowledge” was probably what she wrote. “Well, I’m sure I can lear-”

“I’m saying you shouldn’t be letting me talk over you all the time.”

Her face looked like it couldn’t decide if it wanted to look offended or just confused. “I’m sorry, who are you again? Aren’t you just a DJ from Canterlot?”

I dismissed her accusation with another wave of my sandwich. “Yeah, but I’m a DJ sent by Celestia, so shut up and listen.”

“Bu-”

“No,” I said. “I’m talking. You can pretend to be a ruler when I don’t have more important things to say. You’ve got a fundamental attitude problem, you need to fix it.”

Her mouth slammed shut and she recoiled, pulling her ears back like a foal being scolded.

I slapped my forehead. “And now you’ve screwed up again! Your problem is you walk like a peasant, you talk like a peasant, you smell like a peasant, you breathe like a peasant, you think like a peasant, and, worst of all, you obey like a peasant.”

“But you just told me to shut u-”

I rolled onto my hooves and stepped towards her. “And I never told you to stop shutting up.”

She took a step back. “What’s the point of this? To abuse me? Is… Is Celestia pranking me again?” Her eyes darted around, but always seemed to go back to a specific corner of the library. Curious.

“No, you’re getting a crash course in ruling a country. You were sent here last year to understand peasants, not to become a peasant.”

“Well, what’s so bad about being a peasant? All of my friends are, well, they’re not actually peasants because the definition of peasa-”

I slapped her lightly across the muzzle with my soggy, half-eaten sandwich. “Pedantry, Princess. Check it.”

“I really wish you’d stop interrupting me.” Did she just… pout? She was more pathetic than I thought.

“That’s not ever going to happen. I still interrupt Celestia when she talks about useless things.”

Twilight opened her mouth, but closed it again. If she had a snide comment, she chose to keep it to herself. “That doesn’t really make me feel better,” she said eventually.

“I’m sure it doesn’t. These days I mostly interrupt her when she talks about you.”

“I don’t think I like you.”

… Har.

“Then let me propose a hypothetical situation, Princess. Suppose another pony and I were in danger, but you could only save one of us. Who would you save?”

“... What does that have to do with anything?”

“It doesn’t. Choose.”

“I…” I could see she at least tried to think about it, to figure out my game. “I don’t know.”

“You said you didn’t think you liked me.”

“And?”

“So you should choose to save the other pony unless you happen to loathe it.” I got out of her face and slumped back to the couch.

She sputtered for a moment. “That’s terrible! I can’t decide whose life is worth saving more based on my own bias!”

“Could you even decide?” I asked.

“I-”

I slammed my hoof on the coffee table.

“Too late.” I leaned back and let it sink in. “They’re both dead.”

“That’s not…” Twilight deflated. “Fair?”

“Then you slightly comprehend a small portion of what it means to be a ruler. You’re going to need to make choices like this every day, you’re not always going to have useful information, and if you hesitate innocent ponies will die. Being a ruler is not fair.”

She was finally taking me truly, genuinely seriously if the sad look in her eye was an indication. “So what do I do?”

“You harden your heart.”

“But...”

“Or else you will become like Nightmare Moon. Luna did not harden her heart. She tried to save everyone, but she failed. She failed again.” I banged my hoof on the table. ”And again.” Bang. “And again.” Bang. “It drove her mad.”

“And you know this because…” I could almost hear the gears in her head clunk and whir into action. “You’re not just a DJ, are you?”

I smirked. “Ah, what gave it away?”

“Well, it-”

“Rhetorical question, Princess. Stop being so literal.”

I watched her puff herself up like a kitty-cat. A lesser being would have called it adorable. “Going back to to that hypothetical situation, what kind of danger was it?” asked Twilight. “You didn’t specify life-threatening, did you?

“Ooh, Princess has some bite. Perhaps you’d like to see what the danger was?”

“Wait, but it was hypothetical?”

“Well, the part about my being in danger was.”

“I’m not sure...”

“I had some friends of mine gather some presents for us while we were talking.”

Twilight’s fur stood on end when she realized what I was saying and I was serious. When the door opened a grey, pegasus mailmare with golden hair and misaligned eyes entered, dragging two suspiciously large and heavy burlap sacks behind her.

“Special delivery for one Vinyl Scratch! Just sign here…” She pointed with her hoof. “And here, and here, and here, and he-”

“Yes, yes, I’m sure the post office knows who I am.” I grumbled.

She saluted with such enthusiasm that her eyes appeared to rolled around in their sockets, like slots in a machine. “Shoot and doodles, ma’am! You two have a lovely day!”

“DJ… What’s in the bags?”

I closed the door behind the mailmare. Every other entrance, windows included, slammed shut simultaneously, and I sealed them with my magic.

“Go ahead, Princess. Open them. See for yourself.”

Twilight crept over to the bags, but she kept her back against the wall and her eyes on me. She slowly untied the first bag, and an unconscious Applejack pooled onto the ground.

“The danger, Princess, is Celestia sent a DJ to evaluate you,” I said slowly, watching the terror dawn on her face. “And you are dangerously close to failing.”

“What do you want from me?” She kept her voice surprisingly even. I suppose the few villains she’d faced had given her some ability to keep her cool, but not enough.

“Open the second bag. You need to know the stakes before we proce-”

In a split second the bookshelf behind my head exploded. Twilight was relatively inexperienced with combat magic, so it wasn’t hard to dodge. I pooled my magic in an instant, and Twilight was slammed into the wall, suspended by my will. I could hear her rib cage crack under the pressure, her breathing was labored. Just for good measure I smashed a hoof into her gormless face and shoved the rest of my bacon sandwich into her revolting, herbivorous mouth.

She stared at me. I could taste her fear. She trembled as her tears mixed with the blood pouring from her broken nose, and her hooves beat pathetically against me as I leaned in close. I grinned.

“That wasn’t smart, Twilight. You need to listen carefully, because...”