Some things need to be said about the crystal empire, at this point.
An entire civilization had skipped over a thousand plus years of cultural and technological development. In fact, without the support of their fleshy cousins from the south, the Crystal Ponies would have been flailing in international politics, and that was before factoring in their trauma due to Sombra. Even with the help of their Equestrian allies, the small territory of a once great and terrible empire only remained independent due to its precious manaline gemstones.
Granted, crystal workings were sparking a massive technological revolution not seen since the runic inscriptor's introduction, but that only meant monetary gain and stability. The actual culture itself was currently in a period of massive readjustment.
One of those readjustments had been in the reformation of the Crystal Forces. Prior to their banishment, only stallions had served in the steel armor, while mares stayed behind to forge the armor itself--two forms of strength, destruction and creation, that the ponies of their era had not yet comprehended could coexist. When Shining Armor had politely informed the military leaders that, yes, mares were actually in armor these days (and yes, there were stallions at the forges, actually it wasn't seen as a very feminine position anymore, yes actually some mares marry other mares, well stallion pairs have to adopt for obvious reasons, sir if you're going to cause a scene I'll have to ask you to leave), they had attempted to wrap their brains around the concept.
They had not, unfortunately, understood gender-separated regiments.
This was why these two ponies, chosen based on merit and competence alone, were a mare and a stallion. Neither of them actually cared about this at first, since they were soldiers, professionals, and not looking for a relationship. They'd met, nodded, judged each other good enough for the job, and now they were standing outside the royal chambers for the night.
Standing.
Staring at dim hallways.
Now, these were professional soldiers. Unphased by anything. If an army charged around the corner, fifty would fall before either of them had a droplet of sweat on their body. If a dragon crashed through the wall, they would lower their spears and go for the eyes without a second thought. If Sombra himself suddenly swirled into existence before them... well, there their opinions deferred. Azure Agate would go for decapitation, but Glory Gem would prefer to stick her polearm somewhere far more personal. They were tough, stalwart, brave defenders of this totally empty hallway, ready for anything.
"Mmmmmmmm...."
Well, almost anything.
"Mmmmmmrrrrrrrrr."
To their credit, the two guards barely flicked an ear before once more gaining stoic expressions. They knew that the ponies they were protecting were married. They knew that one of them was a powerful love mage, and the other apparently so filled with love that he could fuel a despot attempting to overthrow Celestia. (It still wasn't clear if it was because of modern living, changeling magic, or sheer dumb luck, but a number of Crystal Ponies had quietly thanked the fates that Shining Armor wasn't around when Sombra had reigned.) And, intellectually, they knew that married ponies in love would seek to express that love to each other with their whole being.
"Rrrrrrrrrmmmmgr.... ooooooooh Shiny...."
Azure Agate fought to keep himself from blushing. Glory Gem, being a more ruby coloration, took no such precaution. Neither of them made any movement.
"Do you like this?"
"Oh yeeeeeees."
A gentle cough escaped from Azure's lips. Glory's eyes flicked over his direction, but he was studiously studying the wall in front of him. She pulled her face back into position, mentally berating herself for her loss of control.
"Oh. Oooh, oh..."
"Oh, I thought you'd like that, Shine shine...."
An interesting fact about Crystal Ponies is that they don't blush with just their face. Or rather, they can't. The crystalline nature of their hides defracts light quite a bit, meaning that an ordinary blush would just be spread out to near invisibility across their whole body. It takes quite an observant eye to detect a mildly embarrassed crystal pony. But the fact was Azure Agate appeared to be tinted ever so slightly red, even to normal vision. And Glory Gem, for her part, seemed a bit brighter than she was a few moments ago.
"That's... lower, Cadance... lower..."
Azure took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "...loud, aren't they?"
Glory Gem shrugged, trying to keep her voice steady. "To a vulgar degree."
"Mmmmm, you taste niiiiiiiiice...."
"Maybe it's a modern culture thing," the stallion suggested quickly.
His partner nodded briefly. "A lot of modern culture seems loose like that. So many mares wear their manes unbound."
They dutifully ignored the happy squeaking.
"That Applejack pony doesn't," Azure Agate pointed out. "I hear she works on a farm."
Glory smiled briefly. "A true paragon of femininity in this twisted age."
"Mmm." The stallion nodded. "Yes she is."
"I do worry about that dressmaking friend of hers, though. Rarity, I think?" Glory shook her head. "She's far too thin, not enough muscle and hardly any fat. If Móðir ever got her hooves on her, she'd probably be forcefed some of her best bethmännchen."
"Yes, Shiny, oh, yes, yes...."
"Your mother bakes?" Azure asked a little too quickly.
"Quite a bit actually. She was--"
"Aaaaa.... ahaaaaaa..."
"--she was a baker," Glory forcefully continued, still staring straight ahead. "Back before, you know."
"Ah." The thoughts of you know would normally be unwelcome, but Azure found that they were helping to counter other unwelcome thoughts so he decided not to complain.
There was a bit of giggling. And then... "Oh, Shining Armor, don't stop..."
Just as suddenly the blushes returned to the bodies of the crystal ponies.
"...So. The Equestrian Games, huh?"
Azure nodded. "Yep. Quite the honor. I think lots of ponies will be coming."
"Coming to watch a bunch of professional athletes run and.... sweat..." Glory Gem took a breath. "Sorry, bad choice of topic."
"Right. Um." Azure Agate fished desperately for another thread of conversation.
"Lrrgruuuaaaaaa...."
"I always knew you were an ears stallion..."
"Trains!" Azure shook his head. "Sorry. Trains. Crazy, right?"
"Amazing machines, yes," Glory agreed rapidly, shifting a bit. "They go fast on tracks and drag carts."
"I would have liked to have those back in the mines." Azure gripped his spear a tad tighter. "Those harnesses--
"Oh I looooooove yooooou, yeeeeeeees..."
"...could... get tight," he continued, blinking. "Walking up and down the... tunnels. Trains would...."
The two guards attempted to avoid mental images of trains and tunnels, as well as ignore the sudden low feminine growl that came from behind them.
"...Did you hear about the mirror pool?" Glory Gem asked. "Apparently that pink mare--you know, the crazy jester one? She found it. All those duplicates bouncing around looking for fun--"
"Please stop," Azure said in a clipped tone.
"Sorry, I was just--"
"Pinke mares asking for fun," he explained briefly.
Glory's ears flicked back towards a sudden gasp. "Right. Sorry, bad... context."
"Now now Shiney... Ladies first, after all."
Azure Agate hissed with a wince.
Glory Gem's eyes flicked toward him. "Are you alright?"
"...my armor's tight," he explained briefly.
"Did you not adjust it correctly?"
"The flanchard's tight," Azure clarified.
Glory took a few minutes to process this, before blinking. "Oh. Huh."
Various grunts filled the already awkward silence.
"...If it helps," Glory offered, "my, uh, schynbalds are kind of rough against... you know."
Azure winced again. "That actually doesn't help, thank you."
A common rumor was that crystal ponies would glow when they were happy. This, again, stemmed from a misunderstanding of their crystalline nature, as well as a misunderstanding of emotion itself. While the exact relationship of emotion with the body was still hotly contested, and Cadance herself would insist that Love was not strictly speaking an emotion, it was well known in some circles that certain emotions were related to certain neurological chemicals. What wasn't quite as well known was that these chemicals each had a certain refractive quality, invisible in small amounts and usually hidden beneath layers of skin.
Crystal ponies were lucky enough to have that refractive quality magnified, or, as the now literally glowing guards realized, unlucky enough to have that refractive quality magnified.
"Deeper, hon," came a purr, and their glows both jolted up for a second. Azure winced again.
Glory cleared her throat. "There's.... a rat infestation in the basements...?"
"Horrible." Azure took a breath. "I, uh, hope the cleaning crew can deal with it soon."
"Your wings are so hot..."
"Yes, I absolutely hate rats," Glory continued blithely. "They used to run over me when I was a filly. Get into Móðir's baking supplies." She paused. "This actually isn't doing anything for me."
"Come on, Shiny, where's that guard stamina?"
Azure hissed again. "Damnation..."
Glory shut her eyes as her glow jolted up for a second, taking long slow breaths. "Should we ask them to be quieter?"
The stallion tilted his head. "I don't think getting a look would help either of us."
"Cadance, Cadance, oh Cadance..."
There was a snapping noise. It took Glory Gem a few seconds to realize it hadn't come from inside the room.
"Did.... did your flanchard just break loose?"
"Don't look!" hissed Azure.
"I'm not looking!" Glory caught her eyes and focused them forward. "I just.... Wow.
"Oh, yes, Shiney, that's it, yes...."
Azure took a deep breath, and let it out. "Arrrgh. Okay, just.... cold showers in the head."
"Bones too," Glory helpfully submitted. "Rotted corpses. That'll help, I think."
"Thanks."
"No...." Glory's light flickered up for a moment. "...no problem."
Various moans came through the door.
"...you just flickered."
"Yes." Glory coughed. "I did."
"I'm trying to avoid making a mess on the floor and you just flickered."
"It's different for mares!" Glory protested. "You stallions have a cannon, it needs to be prepped and goes out all in one blow! We've got arrows, they... they're not as intense, but they fire quicker and they build up!"
"GRIP MY FLANK SHINEY HON!"
"How many?" Azure asked calmly.
"Two so far," Glory admitted. "And there's still some arrows left in the quiver. Fractals and geodes, I did not expect to be talking about this on duty..."
"That makes two of us."
Glory gave Azure a sympathetic smile. "Hey, at least you're not alone."
Azure smiled back.
Glory's eyes drifted. "...wow, you're big--"
"Don't look!"
"Sorry! Sorry..."
The two of them snapped their gazes back forward. They ignored the sudden shout of their princess, or at least they made no comment.
"...at least you can get a mare," Glory grumbled. "Me, no stallion would ever look my way."
Azure took a moment to examine his companion. "I don't know why, you're very... attractive."
That earned him a dry chuckle. "I think you're a little..." The mare flickered with a shudder and a blink. "...biased right now."
"Maybe..." Azure admitted, bringing his eyes forward again. "Doesn't mean it's not true. Three now?"
Glory coughed. "Yeah. Not the last. Anyway, do you think I'd be in the guard if I fit in with normal mares? Nope, the boys all pass me over."
"MORE SHINEY! GIVE ME MORE!"
Azure Agate took a breath, trying to ignore a growing warmth. "Well... it could just be that they're still getting over Sombra."
"Uh huh." Glory Gem rolled her eyes. "Thanks for trying to spare my feelings."
"I'm serious. Just because the worse is gone... do you know I used to love crystal corn?" Azure sighed. "Now I can't stand the sight of it.... I get flashbacks to that time where my father didn't prepare a meal just right and...."
Glory blinked. Then she lowered her head. "I'm sorry. I... didn't know."
"He was number seven that day." Azure's voice was soft. "Out of thirteen--"
"How much do you like this?!"
"OH I LOVE THIS HONEYBUN! I WANT TO SCREAM YOUR NAME TO THE WORLD!"
Glory Gem snorted.
"...and there goes the serious tone," Azure Agate grumbled. "And I'm still trying to hold back."
"SHINING ARMOR! YES! I LOVE YOU SHINY! YES! OH YES YES!"
Glory Gem flickered again. "...Four. Oh wow. I'm usually tuckered out by now."
Azure Agate snickered. "Helps that you're not actually doing anything."
"Heh." She rolled her eyes. "Yeah."
"Yes, yes yes... yes yes yes..."
"Oh Cadance, oh Cadance, oh oh oh oooooooooh."
"Oh yes. I love you Shiny..."
"I love you Cadie..."
Then, at last, silence.
The guards stared ahead into the dim hallway.
After a moment, they both leaned their spears against the wall.
Glory sighed. "We're going to give into our carnal urges any moment now, aren't we."
"If you like, I could go to a broom closet..." Azure offered.
"Nah." She began unbuckling her Croupiere. "I'm not going to leave you hanging like that. Besides, I'd prefer something other then my spear; don't want to get the equipment dirty."
"...Alright. If you're sure you're okay with this." Azure walked over, helping her take off the back of her armor. "Are you in heat, by any chance?"
"No, thank the crystals." Glory kneeled down. "Just do what we need to to cool down, nothing fancy."
Azure gripped her waist, pulling himself up."I've been holding back for a bit so it might take me a while..."
"Take as long as you need. Just so long as you take me on a date next time we're off."
"Fair enough."
Author's Note
You ever have one of those ideas that just has to get out of your head?
I apologize sincerely.
Cadance pulled the doors open with a wide grin, stepping out into the hallway as the early morning sun poured through the windows. "Good morning you two! How was night watch? Any horrible fiends to report?"
"No ma'am," Azure replied politely. "It was a... safe night."
The princess raised an eyebrow. "Huh. That's a very specific word."
"It was indeed safe," Azure Agate reiterated. "Nothing dangerous occurred, and nothing potentially dangerous occurred, and the events that did occur, while interesting, have no bearing on the security of this nation or this castle or your bedroom or your person."
Glory Gem let out a long, low breath, her eyes shut. "As Azure is so eager to confirm, nothing that we are obligated to report happened. As you have probably gathered, what did happen was..." She considered for a moment. "...something that was interesting, but would be incredibly awkward to talk about while our superiors are present."
It was at this moment that the prince consort appeared beside his wife, his mane meticulously cleaned and combed. "I'm sorry, what's going on?"
"It will all be in my report, sir." Azure nodded to him. "If you'll excuse me, I need to clean my armor." He marched off, his eyes sternly and firmly forward.
"Princess?" Glory Gem flicked her head. "A word, if I may?"
Shining Armor stepped up beside his wife, giving the guardspony an odd look. "I'm not sure you have the authority to--"
"I am not addressing her as a member of the guard," Glory Gem explained smoothly. "This is... I believe the modern phrase is mare talk? I shan't take long."
Cadance smiled, shaking her head. "It's alright, Shining. Just another tip. Why don't you head to the dining hall, I'll join you for breakfast soon enough."
The prince hesitated, giving Glory Gem a long look. She met his suspicious gaze stoically, not moving a single feature on her face.
"...Alright." He began walking down the hall, but glanced over his shoulder. "Don't take too long though... I wouldn't want to have to face another changeling invasion."
Shaking her head and rolling her eyes, Cadance turned back to the gaurdspony. "I apologize. Ever since what happened at our wedding, he's been very... protective."
"Mmmm." Glory Gem nodded. "I suppose that he can get away with expressing a little femininity... but that is besides the point. Princess, what do you know about the conduct of lovers?"
"Conduct?" Cadance tilted her head. "As... far as I know, if two ponies agree to something in the privacy of their own home, there is no reason it should be stopped. Barring medical concerns, of course, but--"
"Privacy is a concern here, yes. The fact of the matter is that Azure and I could hear you and Prince Armor all last night.
"Oh." The alicorn licked her lips, eyes flicking ceiling-ward. "Hmm. Well, I apologize. I suppose we'll have to put up a silencing charm if it makes you uncomfortable--"
"A silencing charm would prevent us from hearing you in the event that something terrible went on in there." Glory Gem sighed. "Quite simply, princess, your conduct was crass and unbecoming of any civilized pony, much less a member of the royal bloodline."
"I... I'm sorry, what? What are you talking about?"
Glory Gem stared at the uncomprehending face of her princess for a moment or two, mentally reevaluating her intelligence. "...I would have assumed you, of all ponies, would understand.... Love, Princess, is the deepest and most binding of bonds in any form. Familial, romantic, platonic, it can and does control entire lives."
"Yes, of course." Cadance nodded. "I'm not going to deny that."
"Therefore," Glory Gem continued, "one has to be careful whom they love. If love is betrayed, or manipulated, it can be devastating."
"I..." The alicorn pulled her ears back. "...suppose I could see that line of reasoning..."
"Simply put, proclamations of love should remain between those who love each other," Glory Gem concluded. "Otherwise some outside force could take advantage of the relationship, as happened at your very wedding."
"Okay, first of all the changelings were a fluke led by a crack tactician," Cadance pointed out with a furrowed brow. "Secondly and more importantly, hiding love is a terrible idea! Love is meant to be shown, so ponies know that you have friends, that you have... that you're part of the group, that you can care!"
"Which leads to exploitation of that caring nature by cunning minds. You yourself just acknowledged the changeling queen as highly competent--"
"It is not healthy to suppress love or, or emotions or anything like that," Cadance flustered. "What I mean is, I express my love for my husband loudly because that is who I am. If you want to keep quiet during your own intimate encounters, that's your own business."
"I am not sure you are understanding what I'm telling you," Glory Gem growled. "The more open you make your relationship, the more likely it is to be exploited. And as our princess, exploitation of you would lead to exploitation of the Empire. Furthermore, as the princess, you are expected to keep a calm demeanor at all times--"
"What, even when I'm screwing Shiney sillier than sassafras stringcheese salad?"
Glory Gem flinched, a light flush visible on her skin. "Yes. Even then. Especially then. Do you know how many... questionable decisions were made by political leaders while they were mid coitus?"
Cadance paused. "...to be completely fair, the vast majority of those decisions were made while the ruler was literally on the throne. And a pony that is willing to publicly engage in inherently intimate acts is... somewhat self obsessed, if I might be frank, and not a good choice for a leader."
"Whether or not they were chosen to lead is irrelevant. It is their actions that matter, how they impacted their domains." Glory Gem took a breath, composing herself as she contemplated her coming statement with great caution and care. "Princess Cadance... While what happens within your bedroom should be your own business, as you suggest, the fact of the matter is that you set an example for all ponies in the Empire, and therefore should ensure that example is as... appropriate as it should be. If you constantly let out a stream of such frivolous and dismissive emotions, if you are always so eager for everything... how will the nation know when the situation is truly serious? It is better to smile and nod than to shout and scream."
"Are... are you comparing me to Pinkie Pie?"
Glory Gem shook her head. "No, your highness. In my opinion Pinkie Pie has fallen to utmost depravity and is beyond all hope of redemption."
That earned a snort from the princess of love. "She's also a national hero and a crack shot with a party cannon."
"I'm not saying that she is a bad pony, by any means. Only that she is utterly insane and, by a not at all strange coincidence, not a role model for foals, adults, or nations. You, however, are a role model for foals, adults, and nations. And should conduct yourself as such."
"I honestly never expected my sex life to become a matter of national security!" Cadance flared her wings, whirling about and storming a short distance off. "I mean... yes, I'm a princess, but... The bedroom is my own personal... I mean, why? What? What's even with this idea of quiet lovemaking? Am I just supposed to give this gentle smile and say 'Oh dearest Shining Armor, I have just climaxed' and... what? What is even... Why? How does... I can't... I can't even..." She turned back, flushed and frowning furiously. "No, I'm sorry Glory Gem, but this seems to be a completely unreasonable request. I can, again, offer to put a soundproofing spell up, but... you are asking the most ridiculous thing of me that I have ever heard and I don't even understand why!"
"Alright... let me see if I can explain by example." The guardspony slicked her ear. "In the olden days, crystal ponies would devote their whole being to their family. Marriage, the link between families, was therefore a most sacred and unassailable institution, and all the duties specifically assigned to marriage were not to be performed or mentioned outside of it."
"Okay, no sex before marriage, I... personally don't entirely agree with that, but I can respect the decision... Wait." Cadance held up a hoof. "No mention? So these newlywed couples would have no idea what they were doing when they got to bed?"
"Your highness, please don't leap to ridiculous conclusions." Glory Gem rolled her eyes. "The parents would lend their children their family's guidelines to proper sensuality during the wedding ceremony."
"I... Hold on, hold on. Guidelines to... what, an instruction booklet on sex?"
"They... tended to be more pamphlet sized. It made them easier to preserve, they were family heirlooms after all."
"Family..." Cadance took a breath. "So, crystal ponies... have pornography... as family heirlooms.
The guardspony tilted her head. "I... am unfamiliar with that term."
"Pornography? Oh. It's... images of ponies having sex, usually meant to stimulate sex."
"Ah. Well, no. There were no drawings, that would have been a violation of privacy."
"Oh, because of course that makes sense."
"And to be fair, the vast majority of them were rounded up and either burned or collected by King Sombra." Glory Gem shook her head. "He... didn't want us to be able to breed without proper sanctions."
"What."
"A tyrant, in every sense of the term."
Cadance stared at her, unblinking, for a long, long time.
"...But... then... okay, I KNOW there are newborn, post reemergence foals in this city. And there are too many of them to be just some couples blindly figuring out forgotten knowledge, so... what the hay is going on?!"
Glory Gem glanced aside for a moment.
"...It..." She sighed. "Your highness, if I may be honest... I don't think there's a crystal mare over twelve who is still a virgin."
"...what?"
"When Sombra reigned... Well, he was horrible to everypony, obviously, but he wasn't horrible to everypony equally. The lower tiers of society had it worse off, but their suffering was... consistent. They were punished for things that could be predicted, undestood." Glory Gem shook her head. "Of course, the closer one was to the king, the better their life was, but... there was also less consistency regarding what would constitute demotion or... execution. Still, back then, anything had to be better, we thought, and... well, Sombra did have a harem."
Cadance brought a hoof to her face. "So... you'd practice."
"Well, yes."
"That should not be why anybody has sex." Cadance shook her head, sitting on the ground heavily. "It's too intimate for... I mean... you have to trust, and a lot of that comes with love, and--"
"Oh, we did it out of love," Glory Gem reassured her. "If one of us, through our action, became skilled enough to be pushed to the top, out of the mines... Of course, with all the sensual guidelines burned, the parents had to demonstrate themselves."
"So, you had to watch your parents having sex."
"And they'd have to be quiet," the crystal mare added somberly. "If Sombra's guards found out, they could have been... well."
"This just keeps getting worse..."
"And that was assuming both parents were alive. If only one was around, they would have no choice but to teach their children personally--"
"STOP. Stop. Just stop. Stop stop stop, no, nononono." Cadance shook her head, standing up with a mildly green expression. "I did not need to know... I really didn't need to hear about how every female pony in my entire nation was forced into underground incest in the very faint hope that they would get to join their tyrant's harem. I did not need to know that, you did not need to elaborate on that... you know what? This only makes me want to express my love for Shining even louder, so that young fillies don't get silly ideas and start practicing with their buddies and getting themselves knocked up!"
"Princess Cadance, I think you're missing the point. We need a return to our former glory, and we can't have that if our princess decides to set a wild example--"
"Fine! Fine. You know what, fine, I won't have sex with Shiny in public, but I'm not going to promise I won't scream his name in private because that's just how I roll and really? This whole empire needs to know what actual, love-filled sex SOUNDS LIKE if their only comparison is desperate harem practice incest!"
Cadance huffed and panted, her face a festive mixture of raging red and sickened green. "Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go find something to eat that isn't the probably very rich breakfast my adoring palace staff cooked up this morning because I will probably vomit it all up, and then I need to go get my husband and hammer out the new sex ed plan. You are relieved of duty for the day, Glory Gem." She snapped around and started off, a faint wobble in her gait as she rounded the corner, leaving the guardspony staring after her in consternation.
"...Well." Glory Gem shook her head. "I... suppose that could have gone much better..."
Author's Note
See, this is why I didn't want to continue this story. Because I knew I had to go to some very dark places.
Hopefully this is as dark as it will go.
No promises.