The Truly Terrible Tail of Troublesome Tropes Terrorizing Terrestrial Equestrials
An average day in Canterlot was, surprisingly enough, a relatively easy thing to come by. Celestia ruled her kingdom from the safety of her throne and did nothing but sign papers all day. The day and endless stream of documents seemed to drag out for far longer than the actual passage of time should have allowed. In fact, Celestia could swear that it was far past time to set the sun and raise the moon. What could possibly have been keeping Luna?
Suddenly, all at once and without warning, none other than Princess Luna burst through the large maple double doors leading to the throne room. “YAY AND VERILY, MINE SISTER!!!!!!!!!!. I BID THEE A HEARTY AND MUCH LONG AWAITED HELLO!!!!!!!!!!.”
Even though Luna was a good fifteen meters away, her royal Canterlot voice suddenly being turned up to eleven and a half literally threatened to blast Celestia off her throne as she held on to the back of the seat for dear life. Once the air pressure had stopped trying to force her eyeballs into the back of her skull, Celestia watched the two guards that always accompanied her in the throne room drop to the floor, unconscious, and she held her ears in hopes that the ringing might stop.
“Luna!” Celestia screamed with complete disregard for her usual regal composure, her volume paling in comparison to her sister’s. “What in Equestria is wrong with you?”
“PREPARE THYSELF, SUN-BUM SISTER!!!!!!!!!!. THY FLANK IS MINE!!!!!!!!!!. THOU HAST EATEN THINE LAST PIECE OF CAKE!!!!!!!!!!. DOTH THOU HAVE-EST ANY FINAL WORDS BEFORE MINE CHARGE BEGIN-ETH?!!!!!!!!!!.”
“Why are you screaming in old Canterlotian? You’re not even making any sense!”
Suddenly, Luna spread her wings and took to the air while charging her magic. Celestia quickly put up a barrier around herself, having finally realized that, whatever Luna was up to, she was serious. Luna let loose a mighty blast that collided and mixed with Celestia’s magic. Celestia’s barrier, now a swirl of blue and yellow, shrunk down and reshaped to the form of her body. She was now aglow in a thin film of magic which kept shrinking until only her rear half was covered in the aura.
“HA-HA!!!!!!!!!!. MINE BRILLIANT AND INGENIOUS PLAN HATH DOTH SUCCEEDED-ETH!!!!!!!!!!. NOW THINE BUTTOCKS SHALL FOREVER AND HENCEFORTH BE CEMENTED LIKE THE BONES OF THE DAMNED TO THINE PLACE OF SITTING!!!!!!!!!!.”
Luna landed with a thud on the floor and jumped into a front flip, crashing through one of the stained glass windows, shattering it into a thousand pieces. She laughed maniacally as she took to the sky before teleporting away into shadow.
Whatever Luna was up to, her ‘ingenious plan’ to keep Celestia from moving out of her throne hadn’t worked. Celestia could feel a bit of extra weight on her now literally glowing rear end, but it was far from anything that would hinder her movement.
“Guards! Guards!” she called through the palace.
Two royal guards clad in golden armor came rushing in. One of them was a generic white unicorn with nothing unique to distinguish him from the hundreds of other white unicorn guards. The other one, however, was a generic white pegasus with nothing unique to distinguish him from the hundreds of other white pegasus guards. They soluted and bowed deeply enough to faceplant right into the floor, nearly rendering one of them unconscious.
Celestia stared at them for a moment before asking the first thing that came to mind. “Guards, were you two just standing by through that entire fight?” She asked this just a little too politely, considering the situation.
The unicorn guard started shaking and trembling in pure fear of the wrath of the immortal sun-goddess before him. Even though the princess showed no signs of anger, this battle-hardened warrior who dedicated his life to protecting royalty from any threat broke down and began crying his eyes out as he slowly regressed into the fetal position at a mere glance from her highness.
The pegasus saluted with a quivering hoof. His throat tightened up and large droplets of sweat started dripping down his face. “Y-y-y-y-y-y-yes, your highness-m’lady-madam-princess-overlord! We were!”
Celestia furrowed her brow and let her mouth hang open slightly in disbelief. This was not how her guards acted. This was not how Luna acted.
“Guard,” she said as calmly as she could manage as she rubbed her temple, “why did you do nothing during my sister’s assault?”
“A lowly pony such as myself couldn’t possibly affect events like that.”
“Nonsense! You are highly trained soldiers whom I entrust with my very life. Now please, something has happened to Luna. I need you to find her and bring her to me as quickly as possible.”
The pegasus began to hyperventilate at the thought of completing a task that didn’t involve the one and only thing he knew: standing still. He flared his wings and hovered over the unicorn who was now in a pathetic state, hugging his hind legs, sucking one of his front hooves and rocking back and forth.
“I-I-I’m sorry, Princess shiny butt!” the pegasus yelled before grabbing his fellow guard and flying out of the castle.
“Has everypony gone mad?!” Celestia asked as she sat, dumbfounded.
Clearly, whatever was affecting Luna was also affecting her guards. And if this mysterious infection of the mind was spreading, there was no telling how far it had already gotten or would get. Whatever was going on, it was serious. Serious like the most serious cat of grumpiness in all of serious cat grumpitude.
Celestia shook her head vigorously as if to shake off some unheard and profoundly stupidly worded sentence that failed to convey just how truly disastrous this new form of disharmony was. She looked to the two guards that Luna had rendered unconscious and sighed. There was only one place this multi-millennial old princess of the world with thousands of powerful and influential contacts and raiser of the very sun itself could turn to. Luckily, since she had just before this incident been signing an endless stack of paperwork and there was one blank sheet of paper and a quill right next to her. She quickly picked them up in her magic and began to write.
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
I have urgent news regarding an extremely pressing matter. Something has happened to Princess Luna and my royal guard. I’m afraid I don’t have time to elaborate, but I believe some sort of infection may be spreading that affects a pony’s mind. I fear the Elements of Harmony may be the only way to combat whatever new evil this is. I urge you to come to Canterlot with your friends, retrieve the elements and find my sister. This is no small task, but I have the utmost faith that you will pull through. Please respond as soon as you can.
Sincerly,
Princess Celestia
Celestia lit the paper aflame with her magic and the ashes flew through the destroyed window and headed for Ponyville. As she sat and waited for a reply, she silently wondered why she thought the Elements of Harmony would have any real affect on the situation if it truly was an infection as she suspected. Her questioning of her own possibly faulty logic was cut short as a letter materialized before her. The fact that her personal student was able to read the message and reply within mere seconds was nothing short of astounding.
Dear Princess Celestia whom I may or may not have a crush on,
I am so sorry for the lateness of this letter. Please do not banish me and then throw me in a magical kindergarten dungeon in the place that you banish me to for my horrible indiscretion! Luna came through town only just minutes ago. I’m sorry I didn’t know that I should have captured her and I let her get away. Please don’t send me to the moon for a thousand years! I’ve already started to punish myself by putting extra extra extra study work on top of my extra extra study work on top of the extra study work you gave me to do in addition to my full-time studying. (Since studying is the one and only thing I do with my time.)
I wish my friends and I could help you, but I’m currently overstocked on study quotas and my friends are all too busy being themselves to travel to Canterlot at the moment. If I cut out the one hour a night of sleep I currently have then I may be able to punish myself with more studying.
Your totally-not-in-love-with-you faithful student awaiting your wrath,
Twilight Sparkle
“No…” Celestia whispered in desperate sorrow. The affliction had already reached Ponyville and there was no telling how much farther it had already traveled. Against her better judgement, the highly powerful, possibly immortal princess decided to take matters into her own hooves. Yes, she decided to get off her shimmering butt and do something for once!
Although her and Luna’s combined magical aura still embarrassingly swirled around her back half, Celestia unfurled her wings and took to the air. There simply wasn’t any time to be concerned about appearances. She hovered in the air for a moment but decided that teleporting to the vault containing the Elements of Harmony would be faster than flying. To her relief, the elements were safe and sound. She grabbed them all and teleported to Ponyville.
The Truly Terrible Tail of Troublesome Tropes Terrorizing Terrestrial Equestrials
The pristine and beautiful sun held high in the air as its warming rays bathed the land in a smoldering heat that threatened to light the grass aflame. The wind blew at a cool, lovely five miles per hour with occasional gusts up to eighty that would extinguish any fires that might have started. Other than that, it was a beautiful day, not a single cloud in the sky because the one and only pegasus who ever consistently deals with Ponyville weather was too busy being awesome for the sake of awesomeness.
Mayor Mare trotted through the streets, smiling and silently reflecting on just how pointless it was to call herself a mayor when Princess Celestia and only Princess Celestia ever did anything even close to governmental work. “Well, hmm-hm,” she said as she watched a gray pegasus flying overhead in a spiral drop hundreds of letters and one box marked ‘fragile’. “A fine day for mayoring! Oh, death approaches!”
Suddenly, a small yellow glowing ball of light appeared before Mayor Mare. Before she could run away, or do anything at all for that matter, the glow rapidly expanded, sending the mayor tumbling several yards away. The glow dissipated, revealing a half-shining Princess Celestia. Immediately, Celestia felt the scorching heat of her sun and wiped a quickly forming bead of sweat from her brow.
“How in Equestria…” she began to ask as she stared into the sun. She and the sun were linked. It didn’t make sense that the sun would be out of place without her knowledge. Somehow, the dire situation must have temporarily thrown off her concentration. With a wave of her horn and a spark of magic, she proceeded to move the entire sun several hundred thousand miles farther away from the planet in order to cool things down a few degrees.
One small, satisfied smile was all nature would allow her, though, as a sudden gust of wind launched her into the sky. Disoriented but quick to react, Celestia unfurled her wings and righted herself. She was now hovering high over Ponyville and could finally see the true extent of the chaos this mysterious affliction had caused. Her mouth hung open as she gazed, sorrowful, at what her subjects were becoming.
Pegasi flew randomly through the air dragging stray clouds with them and confusing the weather. Unicorns were casting spells seemingly beyond their control and turning beds of flowers into actual beds that were made of chocolate. Tables turned into flocks of birds and flew away. Planks of wood came off buildings, sprouted legs and started running in circles. Earth ponies… Well, they were just earth ponies, so they pretty much just sat there, being earthy.
Only a few ponies were acting differently from the crowd. A blue unicorn mare in a star-clad purple cape and hat was running around purposely destroying anything that looked like a wheel. A mint-green unicorn mare trying to walk on her hind legs was being chased by a cream-colored earth pony mare who kept changing her voice as she yelled, “stop!” One wall-eyed, gray pegasus mare blissfully spiraled around, crashing into and destroying everything in her path followed by echoes of, “I don’t know what went wrong!”
Suddenly, Celestia heard a distant scream coming from behind. The doppler effect kicked in as a rainbow trail zoomed by mere inches from her head and bolted straight into the library. A loud “Boom!” shook Celestia’s nerves as Rainbow Dash left a large hole in the side of the building.
Steeling her resolve, Celestia teleported to the front of the tree library and walked quickly inside. The room was a mess. Dash had crashed directly into Twilight, ricocheting them both in different directions and crashing into bookshelves, sending paper flying everywhere. Celestia feared the worst, but both ponies stood up and only seemed slightly dizzy. The fact that every bone in their bodies was not shattered to bits was nothing short of a convenient miracle.
Rainbow Dash hit the side of her head to stop her googly eyes from spinning around. “Books are for eggheads! Except Daring Doo! Got to train for the Wonderbolts bye!” Dash suddenly burst into the air and sped off like a rocket, creating a new hole in the library wall.
“No, wait!” Celestia yelled, but the element of loyalty was already too far gone.
Twilight shook off a book that was covering her face and looked up at her lifelong teacher. Her eyes drifted to Celestia’s shimmering butt as her mouth hung open and her whole head turned a deep red as she blushed.
“Twilight.” Celestia raised an eyebrow and placed a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder when her student and fellow princess did not respond. “Twilight, please. I need you to focus. Just give me a sign, anything to let me know you are still you, even if only a little.”
Twilight remained as stiff as a board, but her wings slowly twitched. Steadily at first, then all at once, her wings moved and shot straight up and remained stiff like the rest of her body. Suddenly and for no discernible reason, she fell over still in a standing position as if she were a wooden doll that had been pushed over.
Celestia sighed and lowered her head. “I’m sorry for this, my dear student, but I fear we may be running out of time.” With a spark of magic, Celestia lifted Twilight into the air and flew outside.
Ponyville remained in utter chaos. It was almost enough to bring a tear to Celestia’s eyes. She began to suspect the cause of all this; there was only one being she, in all her thousands of years of knowledge, knew of who was capable of something like this. There wasn’t any time to dwell on it, however, as she needed to find the next closest element of harmony. Luckily, she could see Rarity’s boutique.
A bell dinged as Celestia entered the building, still carrying Twilight in her magical grasp. The inside was surprisingly normal-looking, if a bit deserted. Everything was well lit with sunlight pouring through many open windows. Fabric and fanciful dresses were placed with care around the shop in an attractive display that would make anypony want to spend their hard-earned money. The only noise in the air was the distant ‘tap-tap-tap’ of a sewing machine.
Taking a second, more cautious look at her surroundings, Celestia carefully stepped forth. It was almost eerie walking through the place amidst the backdrop of disorder she had left behind. ‘Tap-tap-tap-tap’ went the sewing machine. The sound was constant as she walked through the hallway towards a back room where customers were normally not allowed. ‘Tap-tap-tap-tap.’ Celestia stopped in front of a door and glanced back at her still-paralyzed student and fellow princess. ‘Tap-tap-tap.’ She breathed deeply and lifted her hoof to open the door. ‘Tap-tap…’
The noise stopped. Something told Celestia to hesitate. There was something in the back of her mind, nagging her that this was wrong, telling her to turn back. She forced those thoughts and feelings aside, pushed the door open and walked into the room with a sense of purpose. Celestia gasped lightly at what she saw.
“I’ll be with you in a moment if you…” Rarity began as she looked up at who had barged into her sewing room. “Oh, Princess Celestia! Please, do come in. To what do I owe this honor?”
Everything seemed normal. The room was perhaps a bit unorganized, but it was nothing she wouldn’t expect from a pony in the middle of creating new clothes. Rarity had quickly hopped down from her seat and fixed up her mane a bit before bowing to Celestia. It was nearly impossible to believe that neither Rarity nor her boutique were affected by whatever was going on and yet here she was, making dresses as if nothing was happening.
“Rarity,” Celestia began as she signaled the fashionista to rise from her bow, “are you feeling alright?”
“But of course. I may be a little tired from essentially locking myself away and working so long, but I assure you that I’m… very well…” Rarity trailed off as she noticed the glow behind Celestia. “Oh my goodness! What has happened to Twilight?”
Celestia wanted to breathe a sigh of relief. If Rarity had been locked away working, then she must not have come in contact with whatever was spreading the madness. And because Celestia herself was unaffected after coming into direct contact with several ponies, that could only mean the contagion didn’t spread from victim to victim. At least for now, there was hope. She lowered Twilight down in front of Rarity who quickly took to examining her friend.
“I do not know what is happening, but it would seem that something is going around and infecting everypony’s mind. I have a hunch that we may need the Elements of Harmony to fix this.”
“Of course. I will help… however I… can…” Rarity struggled to say as she held her head in one of her hooves.
“Rarity! What’s wrong? Are you alright?”
Rarity didn’t respond but shut her eyes and dropped to her haunches. She strained for a moment and groaned. Suddenly, her eyes shot open and Celestia could see her pupils dilate. Rarity stood and seemed to be free of any pain or discomfort.
“Rarity?” Celestia questioned.
Suddenly, Rarity gasped in an overly dramatic fashion. “Oh my, darling! To be in the presence of royalty, darling!”
Celestia’s expression darkened as she remained still, watching Rarity kiss her golden horseshoe, practically trying to make out with it. Rarity became infected after coming in contact with Twilight. Was Celestia just immune? Her physiology wasn’t any different from her sister’s or Twilight’s or anypony’s for that matter. It didn’t make any sense. But perhaps it wasn’t supposed to make sense. The more she thought about it, the more she grew convinced that this illness was the work of one particular creature who didn’t like to make sense.
There was no time to dilly-dally. Whether or not she was right, the world was getting more chaotic by the minute. Celestia quickly enveloped both her still-frozen student and Rarity in magic and carried them out of the store.
Taking to the sky once more, she scanned the area for her next target. Ponyville was darker now as the sky became overcast and rainclouds blocked out the sun. Suddenly a loud boom came from behind and when Celestia turned she saw a rainbow trail heading straight for her. She narrowly dodged, quickly flying perpendicularly to Rainbow’s B line. The shockwave kicked up debris, leaves and one particular unconscious mayor and sent them tumbling until Dash crashed directly into Golden Oaks Library.
Celestia was about to go after her, but Dash took off again after only a few seconds and disappeared behind the clouds. Rainbow would be a difficult one to catch. There was no way for Celestia to keep up with such reckless speed. She turned and flew towards Sugarcube Corner. Her heart sank a bit at the sound of three young fillies chanting, “Cutie marks! Cutie marks! Cutie marks!” as she flew by.
Celestia wasted no more time in bursting through the front door of the confectionary shop. “Pardon my intrusion, but it is imperative that I find…”
Celestia was stopped in her tracks by the sight before her as she tilted her head, trying to make sense of things. The shop had many pastries which was not much of a surprise, but the number and ridiculous sizes of the sweets caused her pause. Cakes and candies and donuts lined the floor like carpeting. One of the donuts in the center of the shop was at least as as big as Celestia herself. Off in one of the corners and stuck to the ceiling was a large gummy candy that the princess recognized as a Jelly Baby, something common in Trottingham.
But this mess of confection alone was not enough to cause Celestia’s brain to cease function. The real icing on the cake, the strawberry on top, the last straw that broke the camel's back sat on the front counter, the one place the sugary delights had not yet overtaken. Two twin foals dressed in perfectly-sized black suits and both wearing little top hats sat like proper gentlecolts sipping tea as more sweets flew out of the kitchen behind them. The foals both looked at Celestia. She noticed one of them was wearing a monocle.
“Goo?” one of the foals asked the other.
“Gah. Gah-gah-gah-goo,” the other responded.
They each giggled and gently clanged teacups before simultaneously taking a sip. It took a stray eclare flying through the air and skewering itself on Celestia’s horn to make the gears start turning in her head again. She wiped the dessert away and began to wade through the sea of confection, trying to cling to some sense of urgency which the world just wanted to deny her.
“Excuse me!” Celestia yelled, successfully getting the attention of Mrs. Cake. “I’m looking for Pinkie Pie.”
Mrs. Cake gasped, looking like she might have a heart attack at the sight of royalty. “Ahh! Oh my! Dear, we have a visitor!”
Mr. Cake stuck his head around the corner and started sweating bullets at the sight of their guest. “Buh… It- Gah…”
Enough was enough. Celestia darkened her expression and stomped a hoof menacingly and yelled, “Where is Pinkie Pie?”
The foals didn’t react, but their parents fell to the ground, shaking with fear. Only Mrs. Cake could gather the tiniest amount of courage to speak up. “S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-she’s a-at the apple farm!”
Celestia turned and bolted out the door, galloping towards the other end of town. She panted and began to sweat as she strained her muscles, moving as fast as she could. All those years of sitting on her throne were taking a toll. The constant use of magic wasn’t helping any either. Suddenly, she was knocked several yards to the side by some loud pulsing noise that blew out the windows in some of the surrounding buildings.
“Yeah! Feel my cello cannon!” a gray earth pony mare wearing a pink bow tie and holding a cello yelled in the distance. A white unicorn mare with a blue mane stood next to her and scoffed before peacefully playing classical music on her turntable.
Breathing heavily, Celestia stood and looked back at Twilight and Rarity to make sure she was still holding onto them. She was. A lesser mare would have had no chance of keeping up that kind of magic for so long, but Celestia was no ordinary mare, no. She was Princess Sparkling Shiny McSunbutt the Great! She was downright unslayable like the most unslayable thing that was ever a thing that could not be slain!
Celestia shook her head like she was shaking off some completely stupid and forced description of her current situation. Noticing her close proximity to the farm and the fact that her wings had had plenty of rest, she galloped forth and took to the air. She flew over the trees, heading for the barn at the center of the field and scanned the area for ponies. As Celestia hovered around the barn she noticed one of the walls had a giant, pink '4' painted on it. Upon closer inspection, she saw a small hole just large enough for a pony to fit through in the wall with the words 'Pinkie waz here' painted in the same pink.
Celestia stared at the wall for a moment, trying to understand what exactly she was looking at, but a soft banging sound behind her took her attention away. The noise happened again. She followed it, hopeful that it may lead to her little ponies. The sound came again, close this time, and was followed by another noise that sounded like a cheerful yell.
Soon, three ponies came into view, Applejack, Big Macintosh and Pinkie Pie. Big Mac and Applejack were hastily bucking the apples off every tree around. For every apple that fell to the ground, Pinkie darted over and waved little flags and cheered for them, seemingly throwing each one a mini-party.
Celestia sighed as she lifted them both in her magic. At least these two were easy enough to catch with yells of ‘What in tarnation’ and a drawn out ‘Whee!’ being their only resistance. Celestia flew back into the air and double checked who she had. “Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. That just leaves… Rainbow Dash? When did you—”
“I heard you were collecting ponies and Rainbow Dash does not come in last place,” Dash said with her forelegs crossed. “Especially not behind Fluttershy.”
“…”
Big Mac watched, listlessly chewing on a piece of wheat, as Celestia wasted no more time in flying away. “Eeyup.”
“Big Mac!” Granny Smith said as she approached from behind. “Where’d Applejack go?”
“Nnope.”
“What?”
“Eeyup.”
“Where am I? Is this nineteen-ought-six?”
“Nnope.”
“Who are you?”
As Celestia grew closer to Fluttershy’s cottage, she noticed that the atmosphere seemed a bit different. It almost seemed normal. Disturbingly normal. Everything was calm. There was no wind blowing, no absurd weather or overcast sky. Everything had a sense of stillness to it like the eye of a storm. Celestia landed and walked cautiously up to the front door. She was just about to knock on the door when a loud bang like a bolt of lightning came from behind the house.
Celestia, more than a little shaken, quickly leapt up and flew over Fluttershy’s cottage and towards the noise. She landed on the roof and let her jaw hang open when she saw the cause of the sound. Discord, floating in the backyard, clenched his claw and paw and grunted as energy charged in his horns. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning shot from his head into the clouds. Staring at the clouds, Discord stroked his beard quizzically. What’s more, Fluttershy sat off to the side, watching intently while eating a large bucket of popcorn.
“Discord!” Celestia yelled, getting both his and Fluttershy’s attention. “I thought you were reformed. I thought we could trust you. I see now that I was mistaken.”
“Iom? On! I ma gnipleh!”
Celestia raised an eyebrow as she set the five ponies she had collected down next to Fluttershy and placed their respective elements on them. “What nonsense is this? If you have something to say for yourself, then say it clearly.”
“Tub I ma! Ti sekam on esnes ot em, tub gnihtemos si gnisrever ym sdrow!”
“Enough! This ends now!”
One by one, each of the Elements of Harmony’s eyes began to glow as the elements seemed to clear each of their minds. Discord tried to turn and run, but Celestia lassoed him with her magic and held him just long enough that the elements could unleash their rainbow power. A rainbow arced into the air and hit the spirit of chaos directly.
“Pots! On! On!” Discord screamed as he struggled against the power of the elements turning him to stone.
His struggles were of no use as the last of him was transformed into rock. In a rather undignified position with his limbs frozen in a flailing stance and his face scrunched to one side, Discord fell to the ground defeated once and for all. The rainbow light didn’t stop there. It formed a sphere of light that quickly expanded outward to envelop all of Equestria.
Celestia sighed in relief and also in disappointment of Discord. Now all that was left was to have Luna help her get rid of the annoying shine around her butt that just would not go away. She looked to the elements, who all seemed to be shaking off a bit of dizziness, and smiled softly.
“What in Equestria just happened?” Rarity asked.
“I’m afraid Discord decided to betray us, my little ponies,” Celestia said. “But it is all over now.”
“Uh, now that everythin’ is over with, ah have somethin’ to say!” Applejack announced to her friends. “Rarity! Ah… Ah’m in love with you!”
The ponies all gasped in an overly dramatic fashion as Celestia remained as still and stoic as the stone they had just turned Discord into.
“Oh, the drama!” Rarity exclaimed as she summoned a fainting couch with which to faint on. “I’m sorry, Applejack, but there is… another!”
Twilight, Dash, Fluttershy and Applejack all gasped as loudly as they could as Pinkie played dramatic organ music behind them.
“For you see,” Rarity continued, “I am in love… with Fluttershy!”
Another round of gasps was followed by more dramatic organ music.
“B-b-but, Rarity,” Fluttershy said, “I must confess that I am in love… with Rainbow Dash!”
Once more, overly dramatic music and gasps sounded as Celestia’s expression grew cold and she began to stare off into the distance.
“Fluttershy!” Dash yelled. “I’m sorry, but I love… Twilight!”
The gasping and dramatic music sounded one more time.
“Oh my goodness,” Twilight said. “Rainbow, I… I… I am in love… with my books!”
They all gasped once again as Pinkie jumped into the center of her friends and exclaimed, “Well, I’m in love with all of you! MAKE OUT PARTY!”
The six friends piled together and rolled away in one big chaotic ball kicking up dust as they tumbled away into the distance. Celestia slowly turned her head. Discord was indeed in stone, but the chaotic weather hadn’t changed and Ponyville still appeared to be in shambles.
In all her thousands of years, Celestia had always strived to remain regal, polite and kind no matter the situation. Thus far, she had never once spoken in a rude manner or said anything that one may find offensive. But here, in this case, all Celestia could do was frown, take a deep breath and utter one word.
“Shit.”
The Truly Terrible Tail of Troublesome Tropes Terrorizing Terrestrial Equestrials
Celestia wandered through the streets of Ponyville, her soulless eyes transfixed on the ground as her head hung in sorrow. Though her eyes appeared blank, her mind raced as quickly as the light from her sun as she tried desperately to come up with any solution to the situation her world was in. But just as the sun’s rays failed to break through the overcast sky and shed light on the world, none of her thoughts succeeded in giving her any hope. Somewhere in the back of her head though, a small, nagging feeling held onto that hope. If this could be brought on, it could be stopped. She just needed to figure out what or who was responsible.
“Celestia!” a voice suddenly yelled in both anger and excitement.
The princess looked up as a distant explosion sent a certain mayor flying overhead and into the distance. Standing before her was a… something. It was a mare – at least she thought it was – that looked like some sort of amalgamation of different ponies. Her head was pink, her long neck an ugly swamp-green, her masculine-looking body a deep red and each of her legs were different shades of purple. She had a black tail and a yellow mane. One of her wings was orange and feathered while the other was bat-like and brown. She also had a large horn on her head that protruded in a helix.
Celestia looked to her more with curiosity than anything else. “Who exactly—”
“Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” the mare interrupted.
After a moment of silence between the two, Celestia decided to try asking again. “Who—”
“Bwah-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha!” the strange creature interrupted once more.
“W—”
“Bhah! H—”
“Enough!” Celestia screamed, a little bit of the old Royal Canterlot Voice shining through. “Who are you?!”
“Do you not recognize me? Do you not see the face of your downfall?” she said, waving one of her forelegs theatrically. “Hmm-hm. Ha ha ha ha ha. Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”
Celestia let her eyelids droop as boredom set in from listening to the endless, maniacal laughter of the thing before her. A small noise somewhere in the distance that she couldn’t identify caught her attention and was, quite frankly, much more interesting than the mare who seemed only to want an audience for laughing practice. The princess turned, ignoring the mare, and started to walk away.
“No, wait. Come back,” the mare said pleadingly as she ran in front of the princess.
Celestia stopped, a bit surprised that the mare was actually going to do something.
The mare examined her own body for a moment. “H-hang on. Let me just…” Her horn began to glow and suddenly she was engulfed in a green fireball that disappeared just a suddenly as it came leaving behind a new form made up of new pony parts and colors. “Wait, I’ve almost got it.” She tried again, this time only succeeding in switching the placement of her horn and tail. “No, wait…” One last attempt turned her into a tall, black, insect-like pony with a dark indigo mane and holes randomly pierced through her flesh. “Ha-ha!”
“Chrysalis!” Celestia shouted, taking a defensive stance. The noise in the distance began to get a little louder as if something were coming closer at a rapid pace.
“Yes, it is I, Chrysalis, queen of the changelings, master of disguise and stealth!” she screamed loud enough for half the town to hear.
“What are you doing here? Are you the one responsible for all of this?”
“Ha-ha ha-ha! Once I take you down, I will be the supreme ruler of the world! And then all your tedious paperwork shall be mine! Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!”
That… was a strange thing to desire… Regardless, Celestia stood at the ready as she watched Chrysalis laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. Seriously though, was the changeling ever actually going to do something or was she just going to keep laughing? The distant noise drew closer. By now, Celestia could tell what it sounded like. It was like a series of gears and cogs horribly grinding together in an ancient machine that desperately needed repair.
Chrysalis finally stopped laughing and, with a big grin, aimed her horn at Celestia. “Now I can finally have my reven—”
Just then, a large blue box fell out of the sky and hit the ground hard, skidding and tumbling as it slammed right into the changeling queen, only missing Celestia by a few feet. Chrysalis was sent flying miles and miles through the sky and into the distance. Celestia could’ve sworn she heard her yell something about blasting off again, but she was far too shaken up from nearly being pummeled to have a reaction. Her body, trembling with shock, grew a bit weak and she fell to her haunches.
After a moment, the airborne dirt that the box had kicked up cleared away. The rectangular box must have been at least twice the size of Celestia. It appeared to be on its side. Suddenly, a pair of doors opened inward on the side facing up and out climbed a pony. He was a brown earth pony with a black mane and tail. He wore a blue tie, an impractically long multi-colored scarf that wrapped around him multiple times and still dragged on the ground, a black suit jacket with a celery stalk pinned to it and a fez. He also held an umbrella under one of his forelegs, a recorder under the other and a strange, metal tube in his teeth.
The stallion completely disregarded any damage he might have done to the area, only staring intently at Celestia. He ran right up to her and held the metal device in one hoof, his muzzle mere inches from hers. “Forgive me for this,” he said as he waved the device in front of her eyes.
It made a gentle whirring noise and a small light on the end made Celestia start to see spots and she tried to blink them away. “What in Equestria are you doing? Who are you?”
The stallion stepped back, a confused look on his face. “No. No no no no no no no. It isn’t her. How could it not be her!?” he asked, clearly talking to himself. “Come on, come on. Think! There must be some way to fix all of this. But if it isn’t Celestia then who?”
At this point, Celestia wasn’t about to pay any mind to somepony’s random rambling, but something about what this stallion just said caught her ear. “Excuse me. What do you mean ‘fix this’? Are you still… yourself?”
“Of course I am. Who else would I be?”
Celestia dared not smile just yet, but a small feeling of relief overcame her. “Please, what is happening to my subjects? Can you help me stop all of this?”
“Wait a moment,” the stallion said, turning to face her and donning a pair of glasses with green-tinted lenses and examining her all over. “You aren’t even infected. How are you not even infected?”
Celestia watched, a bit uncomfortable, as the stallion circled around and looked her over. “I don’t know. How is that you are not—”
“I am infected,” he interrupted as he returned to her front to face her directly. “But it hasn’t taken hold of me yet. I am old, Celestia. So very old. And I have seen things you could not possibly imagine. I’ve witnessed the rise and fall of creation. I know secrets that must never be spoken. A mind like mine is not an easy thing to control. But it’s only a matter of time… before… Argh!”
“No! Please, stay with me. I need your help!” Celestia said as she watched the stallion hold his head just like Rarity did before her change.
“Argh!” The stallion started talking a mile a minute saying all kinds of things Celestia couldn’t begin to understand about light speed, black holes, something apparently called an exphinyinisyphious. Suddenly he hit his head and gasped.
There was a small pause before Celestia spoke. “Are you… alright?”
“For the moment,” the stallion answered. “But we don’t have much time. Here, put these on.”
He tossed the tinted glasses to Celestia and she did as she was told. Through the lenses, she could see little green bits that looked like tiny, pulsating bubbles floating around the stallion, a particular concentration around his head. Every now and then, a small arc of energy would bolt from one bit to another. Celestia peered over the glasses and looked back through the lenses to be sure it wasn’t a trick.
“You see all those little bits? Those are called tropes,” the stallion explained.
“And they are what’s causing this?”
“Yes and no. The tropes are what controls an individual, but what controls the tropes is something completely different. You and I live in a three dimensional plane of existence. The being that controls the tropes is a creature of the abstract; it exists on a four dimensional plane.”
“Your words mean nothing,” Celestia said simply.
The stallion shook his head and quickly sighed. “It doesn’t matter. The point is that all the ponies are being manipulated by this one creature.”
“How can one creature control so much?”
“Like I said, it’s a creature of the abstract. It doesn’t follow the same rules of reality and logic that you and I do. Once the tropes take hold of a pony’s mind, it writes his or her actions like a character in a play,” he said before turning his head in thought. “Trouble is, it’s a very terrible writer. I mean really, everypony just acts like some poorly made caricature and things just happen out of nowhere for no reason. By that logic I suppose I would be the exposition then.”
“Please! You must focus.”
The stallion inhaled and looked back to the princess. “Right, world coming to an end. Back to that.”
“What? What do mean coming to an end?”
“Yes, if this creature wins, the whole world will literally come to an end. Once it has control over every living thing on the planet, it will drain them of all their life force and destroy the planet itself in order to harness enough power to jump to the next planet.”
Celestia stared, wide-eyed, at the stallion for a moment. She wasn’t sure if she could believe any of this, yet something told her she had to. “How do we stop it?”
The stallion frowned and wore one of the most sorrowful expressions she had ever seen. A pegasus pushed a raincloud directly over the stallion, kicked it so the water would pour down over him for extra dramatic effect and quickly flew away.
“I’m sorry,” he said, ignoring the water running down his face and making his mane flat against his head. “I’m so so so so so so so so so so sorry. But I don’t know. It’s never been stopped before. I’ve seen entire galaxies devoured by it. There may be no stopping it.”
“But there must be something. We cannot simply give up!”
“Well, now that you mention it,” he said, perking right up as a gust of wind took the raincloud far away, “this is rather odd, more so than I would expect. See, the creature will take a single host body in order to initially spread the tropes. It normally goes after the most powerful and influential being it can find in order to move freely. I thought for sure it would have come for you, but somehow you seem to be immune to it. The tropes can’t even touch you.”
“Then there is hope.”
“Oh yes!” he said with a big smile. “We may be dealing with an impossible enemy, but right now you are also impossible. I don’t know how to stop it, but if you can find it, there may be a way. If you can manage to draw it out of the host and destroy it…”
“Yes, I see.”
“Argh!” The stallion held his head again. Celestia could see the tropes through the glasses as they tried to force their way into his skull. “There’s no time anymore… Find the host… Run. Run. Run!”
The stallion ran off deeper into Ponyville repeating ‘run, run, run’ over and over.
Celestia took a deep breath and removed the glasses. The creature was supposed to take the most powerful and influential being in the world. If it wasn’t Celestia, there was only one other it could be. Suddenly, the princess felt a tug in her horn. Something was interrupting the normal flow of magic. She looked to the sky and saw her sun wavering and slowly setting beyond her control. Once it dipped below the horizon, bathing the land in darkness, the full moon rose and supplied a dim light.
“Luna…” Celestia muttered. Just as Celestia was connected with the sun, Luna was connected with the moon. Using that connection, Celestia could locate her sister quite easily. With a moment’s concentration, she activated her magic and teleported away.
~~~~~
Luna stood in an ancient, deteriorating, stone castle deep in the Everfree Forest. The walls – at least what was left of them – were wrapped in vines and moss. Large pillars that once stood as monuments to the throne room in which she stood lay crumbled on the floor. There was no ceiling. Luna peered up at the moon and smirked. She wore the armor of Nightmare Moon but had not yet transformed into her alter ego which made the helmet shift around on her slightly smaller head.
A small ball of white light appeared a few yards away. Luna kept her smirk as she watched Celestia materialize and give her a glare she could swear said, ‘You will die.’ The two princesses did not speak as they slowly walked closer to one another, only stopping when there horns crossed.
“Such a pity, mine dearest sister. For it would seem mine spell wouldst not be most powerful enough the first time,” Luna said as she noticed the glow still surrounding Celestia’s backside. “But still thou hast not overcome it we see.”
Celestia was only glad that she wasn’t being assaulted by the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Leave my sister’s body this instant and face judgement.”
Luna looked surprised for a moment before smirking again, turning and walking away a few feet. “Clever girl. It would seem thou hast uncovered something most interesting. But we shall not be doing that.”
“You will leave her or—”
“Or what? Wouldst you stop us? Ha! We would have taken thine body for our own, but this one was so sure of her own superiority and power. She even showed us a scene most damning. One thousand years prior when she bested thou with ease. All thou could do was resort to those little trinkets thou no longer can use.”
Celestia didn’t like being reminded of the time she had failed to save her sister. She vowed never to let that happen again. “I will stop you, whatever the cost.”
Luna charged her magic. “We think not!” she screamed as she turned and unleashed a blast that hit Celestia.
Celestia was mentally prepared and managed to get away without any serious damage by taking to the sky. Luna gently flew up and the two floated above the old castle for a moment. Celestia breathed deeply. She knew it would come to this. It always came to this. Villains simply had to do things the hard way, didn’t they?
Celestia charged some latent magic in her horn as Luna charged at her quickly. Just before Luna’s pounce could connect, Celestia performed a quickstep teleport which allowed her to shift to Luna’s side in the blink of an eye and kick her younger sister. The possessed princess groaned, though not much damage was done through her armor. Luna quickly countered by letting loose a pulse of magic in all directions that was designed to push away anything too close.
The pulse threw Celestia off balance for a few seconds which was just enough time for Luna to quickstep above her. She noticed, however, and the two unleashed a blast of energy that, once collided, mixed and erupted in a large explosion that sent Celestia straight to the ground and Luna up into the air.
Celestia coughed as she picked herself off the ground. Looking up, she failed to spot her sister anywhere. She looked around the forest, but Luna was nowhere to be seen. Unfurling her wings, she forced her body to go onwards and flew up. Luna certainly had the advantage fighting in the darkness, but the moon provided more than enough light to see the surrounding area and Luna just wasn’t there.
Suddenly, Celestia heard a loud whistle come from the direction of Ponyville. She flew closer and saw Luna floating over the buildings and carrying the town’s mayor in her magic. Celestia went wide-eyes as she realized what Luna was up to. Before Celestia could say or do anything, Luna launched the pony like a missile. Celestia only had a couple of seconds to react but managed to open a portal and send the mayor away. The mayor crashed into Celestia’s royal bed, bounced a couple of times and landed on the floor. It may not have been the most graceful landing, but at least she was safe.
The princess of the sun didn’t have any time to think about the mayor as her opponent held up a dozen more ponies in her magic. Luna wasted no time in rapid firing pony after pony. The unicorns were thrown horn-first, earth ponies were thrown butt-first for some reason and pegasi were thrown spinning with their limbs splayed out like ninja stars. Celestia reacted on instinct, creating portal after portal for each pony that came at her. Small bodies of water, bales of hay, bushes, beds, anything that Celestia could think of that might make for a soft landing is where she opened the portals as the ponies were scattered across Equestria.
Celestia grit her teeth as she focused all of her power on the portals. She didn’t have the time to create one big portal for all of them. Calling this task of transporting ponies so quickly difficult was an understatement. Luckily, Luna was running out of ammunition. The onslaught came to an end and Celestia began panting. The two alicorns stared each other down for a moment as Celestia caught her breath. Suddenly, Luna picked up and threw a small building. Celestia gasped and braced herself as the house collided into her and soon smashed into the ground. She was sent tumbling quite far from the wreckage. Luna teleported over Celestia and smirked.
Celestia, bruised with a few cuts and scrapes, picked herself up and looked to her sister. “You will not win. I will not allow it!”
“Ha! We have far more power than thee. What could you hope to accomplish?”
It was true that Luna was far more naturally astute at magic than Celestia. Luna had even created her Nightmare Moon transformation spell one thousand years ago in order to push her capabilities further. Back then, the only way for Celestia to win was with the Elements of Harmony. But in that thousand year timespan, the princess of light had practiced and perfected a spell of her own. A spell only to be used in times of dire emergency. Now was the time.
Celestia rose into the sky, her horn and eyes glowing. She raised the sun alongside the moon, splitting the sky into day and night. The sun shone brightly over her and a swirl of fire suddenly came from it and wrapped around her. Luna shielded her eyes from the brightness as Celestia was enveloped in a ball of fire. The fireball dissipated quickly and Luna looked at what was before her. Celestia was clad in golden armor not unlike Nightmare Moon’s armor. Her mane and tail had turned into mixture of blue, violet and green fire that danced about with a mind of its own. Even though Luna was a good thirty feet away, it felt like she was standing three inches from a raging bonfire.
Luna reeled back and flew to the ground, backtracking into Ponyville. Celestia followed on hoof. Any plants that she past began to wilt from the unrelenting heat. Luna unleashed a powerful blast of energy. Celestia summoned a shield of blue fire that devoured the magic and used it like fuel for the flames. The possessed princess began to sweat as she backed away, unleashing blast after blast after blast, all of which were harmlessly absorbed.
Finally, the two reached an open field and Celestia charged at her sister. Lunging her head forward, she let loose a blazing swirl of violet fire. Luna raised a shield but was unable to withstand the attack for long and was knocked back when her shield shattered. She wasn’t beaten yet. Transforming herself into shadow, she quickly surrounded Celestia in darkness. The green flames grew brighter as the shining alicorn yelled and increased the heat of her body close to that of the surface of the sun for a moment.
Luna was forced back as she took solid form again. “Wouldst thou destroy thine own sister!!!!!!?”
This gave Celestia pause. With one deep breath she declared, “I will do what I must to save my subjects and this planet.”
Celestia quickstepped directly in front of Luna and let loose another violet blast at point-blank. Luna had no time to defend as she was sent flying. She landed hard quite some distance away. Bruised, singed and a bit bloody, she found it difficult to move as she lay on her back. Celestia quickstepped over Luna and placed one hoof on each of her legs, pinning her to the ground. The two stared into each other’s eyes. Celestia charged her magic as she prepared to finish it, tears evaporating out of her eyes.
“I surrender,” Luna said simply.
Celestia was taken by surprise. She let her charging magic dissipate. “You surrender?”
“Yes. I can see that you are the more powerful. Continuing would be pointless.”
“Then leave my sister at once!”
Luna smirked. “As you wish.”
The princess of the night grunted and a black blob started seeping out of her eyes and mouth. Suddenly the three dimensional shadow shot forth and entered Celestia’s eyes and mouth. The transfer took mere seconds and both alicorns fell unconscious.
~~~~~
Celestia awoke in a dreamscape somewhere in the depths of her own mind. Nothingness surrounded her. There was no sound, no light, no external sensation of any kind. She looked around as the emptiness became a visible but hazy shade of violet. She noticed that, here, the annoying glow that Luna placed on her rump was gone.
Suddenly, a noise came from in front of her. She looked frantically for a source but only saw blackness before her. Blackness, a large wall of darkness… with a face. Her eyes widened as she realized what was happening. The darkness was the creature. It had invaded her mind and was trying to take over. Tendrils came forth from the dark blob and wrapped around her. She struggled and tried to fight back, but the creature was simply overwhelming. There was nothing she could do.
The violet world turned to a mixture of blue and yellow, much like the magic that once surrounded Celestia’s flanks. Just as the blob was about to pick up and envelop Celestia completely, the blue and yellow magic shot forth and severed its hold. There was no sound, but Celestia could still hear its screams of terror and pain as the swirl of magic worked to surround and contain the blob in a large bubble. The bubble shrank smaller and smaller, relentlessly crushing the entity until it finally could shrink no more and evaporated out of existence. Once more, Celestia fell unconscious.
~~~~~
“…ter! Sister!” a familiar voice called out.
Celestia slowly opened her eyes. Her vision was blurry for a moment, but a few blinks were enough to make things clear. Luna held Celestia’s head with care and smiled down at her.
“Luna. What—”
“Be still, Sister. You are badly injured. Well, we both are. How are you feeling?”
“Well enough, considering,” Celestia said as she slowly struggled to her hooves. She took a minute to evaluate her surroundings. The first things she noticed was that her fiery transformation had worn off and the magic around her butt was gone. She and Luna stood in a scorched field next to a half-destroyed Ponyville.
“I am glad that this is all over now.”
“How? It was inside my mind. How can it just be gone now? And how did it come to possess you in the first place?”
Luna shifted her gaze away as if she didn’t want to say.
“Luna,” Celestia said sternly, “what do you know?”
“Well, it… It tried to take Discord at first but could not hope to control him. Seems Fluttershy is the only one capable of that, eh? Heh heh…”
Celestia showed no emotion. Now was not the time for jokes.
Luna continued. “Once it gave up on him, it came for you. I know this because I could see into its mind just like I see into a pony’s dream. I convinced it to possess me instead, tried to make it think I was the more powerful. I just knew that if you were to fight me you would win. That’s all.”
Celestia wasn’t convinced. There was certainly more to it than just that. She looked her sister in the eye. “But why was I the only one not affected? How did it die after it tried to possess me?”
“Well… When I looked into its mind, I could see how it operated. It was strange, but it actually controlled things like it was writing a play.”
“Yes. A strange stallion appeared before me and told me the same thing. He even went so far as to call himself ‘the exposition’ of its play.”
“Indeed. But it was more than that. Whatever that thing was, it was actually forced to follow the story. It was more like it cast each pony and itself as a character and they had to fulfill those roles. I was the villain. You were meant to be the tragic hero and fail just before its victory.”
“Then why didn’t I?”
Luna looked away as if embarrassed. “Well…”
“Luna,” Celestia said sternly.
“When I burst into the throne room, I was still mostly in control of myself…”
Celestia raised an eyebrow as she realized just what that meant. “Then what was that first fight about? Could you not simply say something?”
“I was desperate. I couldn’t risk you becoming infected. It was a stupid idea and I couldn’t even be sure it would work…”
“Luna!” Celestia said as she made her sister look her in the eye. “What did you do?”
Luna blushed lightly. “I… I gave you a ‘plot shield.’”
Celestia gazed into the distance, a small, disapproving frown on her face as her eyes glazed over.
“…Tia?” Luna asked tentatively. “Are you alright?”
“I’m going to bed…” Celestia said as she turned and slowly made her way towards Canterlot.
Luna looked up to the sun and moon in the sky and took the liberty of lowering the sun. She looked to Ponyville and sighed. “I’ll start cleaning up then.”
~~~~~
At the same time in Canterlot, Mayor Mare awoke to the tune of several guards pointing swords at her. She put her forelegs up in surrender and froze in place. She had no idea where she was or how she got there or why her whole body ached and felt like the weight of an entire building had been placed on her back.
“What have you done to the princess’s bedchambers?” one of the guards demanded.
She looked around and noticed a bed that was just a mess. The rest of the room fared no better. It made no sense. Somehow she had apparently broken into the castle and wrecked Celestia’s bedroom and judging from the pain she felt, a whole lot more. None of which she could remember. But it wasn’t even a Saturday.
