My Little Pony: Quest for the Holy Grail

Alberto opened his eyes and saw Derpy trotting on grass in front of him; the air around seemed to be cool and damp, and there was a gentle breeze blowing in his hair..

"Derpy," he yawned, "are we ... on Earth already?"

"Yeah," replied the little grey pegasus mare, nuzzling Alberto on his cheek again, "but I have no idea where EXACTLY we are!"

Those words jerked Alberto into full wakefulness. It was only then that he realised that he was alone with Derpy in an huge field with hills around.

"AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!" Alberto screamed his head off. He screamed so loudly that the other six ponies came running up in his direction seven ways.

"What's going on, Derpy?" said Big McIntosh. "We thought we heard someone screaming for help."

"Oh, that was just Alberto," said Derpy; "he's just not used to this place."

"You OK, noble Sir Alberto?" asked Soarin, gently nuzzling the venerable Bolivian knight on his forehead.

Alberto cringed and gaped all around him. Yes, those were the very same ponies he knew all right. And this WAS Earth, no doubt. But why was this land so strange -- all nothing but greenery, with only a few trees scattered here and there, and a single lake a few kilometers away -- that was what was working Alberto up.

"What.... what does the rest of this place look like?!" he cried, trembling all over and gaping around him in amazement.

"Well.... like Earth!" said Derpy. "I mean... not like Earth; there's lots of greenery around everywhere! And ... I could have sworn I saw something moving in the lake over yonder!"

Alberto opened his mouth, about to scream. But Derpy used her left forehoof to shut him up just in time.

"Are you gonna scream again?" she said. "We really need to find the Holy Grail as soon as possible. But first we need to know where exactly we are."

"My guess is that we're in Africa," said Shining Armour. "The only other place I've seen that is like this was in Kenya, when Cadence and I went on our honeymoon back then, on the Twelfth Day of Xmas.

On the twelfth day, my true love gave to me

Twelve roti pratas flat as grasslands of the Serengeti.

Eleven plates of chye tow kueh,

Ten helpings of Bengawan Solo!

Nine plates of roti john, roti john so sweet!

Eight plates of kueh tiao mee, that I knew we loved to eat!

I had Xmas down in Africa,

I had Xmas down in Africa,

I had Xmas down in Africa,

I had Xmas down in Africa,

I had Xmas down in Africa!

Gonna break the bonds and do them things we never did! Ohh! Ohh!

"Bravo, Shining Armour, you have remarkable musical talent!" Big McIntosh nudged his fellow Shire horse gently. "But we've got other more important things to think about now besides chamber music!"

"Welp, I am pretty sure that Aeron Vartan would have had a very strong motive for taking the Holy Grail to Africa," said Shining Armour. "I mean, look at us now; we've all but lost our bearings!"

"My suggestion, if you'll allow me to say something," said little Snips, "is that we search that building down there. It looks like an old tower of some sort."

"I don't know why, but I think Snips has a point," said Soarin.

"I'm with Soarin," said Big McIntosh.

Braeburn, Shining Armour, Snails, Derpy, and Alberto all indicated their consent one by one; and so they headed straight for the distant tower. It turned out to be an ancient structure, with all its stone walls cracked; above its main gate, which was already ajar, was a sign reading:

MACDONWALDS TOWER

OFFICIAL RESIDENCE OF THE DEGROOT FAMILY

"Sounds like it's private property," sighed Big McIntosh. "Shall we go in nonetheless?"

"No other choice," said Alberto. "We have to use what we've been given. Since the door is open, might as well!

The things you've done, I've never seen;

Tell me if they're any different now!

The path is winding, and is all the more strange.

Seems like I've seen a light therein, but though it seems so very far,

This place still seems familiar to me; oh who can tell me now what's the matter?

I want to know, who will teach me?

Something's familiar about these strangers like me!

Tell me yes, please teach me!

Something's familiar about these strangers like me!

And so singing, Alberto led his seven pony companions into the tower. Inside it was just as ruined as outside; while mainly desolate of any clues, there were a few signs on the walls, saying things like: "BEWARE OF THE KAERNK OF LOCH NESS"; "TAVISH DEGROOT REFUSES TO BACK DOWN"; and "MISSING: BEDEVERE JONES AND GRIFLET JONES, BOTH 17 / LAST SEEN PLAYING OUTSIDE MACDONWALDS TOWER".

"What good are all these to us?" said Snails. "See, Snips, thanks to your fantastic idea!"

"In any case," said Soarin, "I don't think this is Africa."

Shining Armour looked disappointed.

"Shush!" whispered Alberto. "I hear voices down that aisle!"

Down the corridor indeed there came the voices of two men talking. The seven ponies and Alberto slowly followed the sound of the conversation, and saw two men right before them.

"Well!" said the first man, who had a Russian accent. "I did! And I was just about to have it sent via courier when you stepped in and screwed up my fricking operations! Next time remember: Don't you dare butt your nose into affairs that are none of your fucking business!"

"Well, this is my home!" said the second man, an Afro-Scotsman. "And if you don't begone at once, I'll call the police!"

"EXCUSE ME?" boomed the Russian man, grabbing the Scotsman by his collar. "For your information, I am aware about the many things you have done that would warrant you a death penalty if you were found out! Count yourself lucky that I haven't called the cops and told them that they've got a major serial pedophile here to arrest!"

Alberto was seething with anger as he heard that very dialogue unfolding. He could contain himself no longer; he marched up to the Russian man and shouted. "BASTA!"

The Russian man turned around. "Who are you?!" he demanded.

"I want you to say sorry to him," said Alberto.

"What did you say?!!" yelled the Russian man, getting really pissed.

"I said I want you to say sorry to him!" demanded Alberto.

"You bloody shiok is it?!" yelled the Russian man. "Come and fight me if you've got the guts!"

Within seconds, Alberto and the Russian man were entangled in combat . The seven ponies watched with bated breath. Alberto won hands down, grabbing the Russian man by the collar and holding his fist next to his head.

"Say sorry to him!" Alberto yelled.

"Sorry!" said the Russian man. Alberto released the Russian man, who ran away and out of the tower.

"I can't believe you actually did that," said the Scotsman.

"I couldn't just stand there!" said Alberto.

"Hmmm, looks like you must be new to these parts, lad," said the Scotsman. "You're in MacDonwalds Tower, which is part of Inverness Park Estate, Scotland. And Inverness Park Estate's present owner is that man, who is Aeron Vartan."

"Aeron Vartan??" gasped Alberto.

"You've heard of him?" said the Scotsman.

"Er.... si," said Alberto.

"Well, just so you know, Aeron Vartan is the landlord of the entire estate on which my family's residence is built, no one dares to talk back to him like that," said the Scotsman. "By the way. I'm Tavish DeGroot, present keeper of MacDonwalds Tower. But you can call me Demoman. That's what my friends call me."

"Ah," said Alberto. "I'm Alberto Garcia from Bolivia, and these seven here are my ponies."

"Oh! So cute!" said Demoman. "I've seen you guys before... on TV, I think?"

"Yeah," said Big McIntosh. "And now, you see us face to face!"

"In any case," said Alberto, "Aeron Vartan was mentioning to you about something he wanted to send via courier. It wasn't.... this chalice in this photo, was it?" He took out his phone and showed Demoman a photo of the Holy Grail.

"How did you know??" gasped Demoman when he saw the photo.

"Just for your information," said Shining Armour, stepping up, "The Holy Grail is our property and was stolen from our maximum security vault back at Castle Canterlot. We are on a mission to retrieve it."

"Tell us what you know," said Big McIntosh. "Talk now. And don't you dare leave anything out."

"OK," said Demoman. "Here's the story. Just three hours ago, I was taking care of my two young wards, squires Bedevere and Griflet Jones; they're cousins and orphans, and have been living with me after I adopted them from an orphanage. I was playing with them in our garden when I was suddenly called to attend to a major case. So I left them alone for what I'd hoped would be a few minutes. But I never expected that when I returned, they were all but gone; there was only this chalice where they were. I picked it up and felt it; it was solid gold, and I thought, well, better to keep it just in case. Then Aeron Vartan came in looking for me and began blackmailing me to return it to him, claiming it as his own. And that was when you stepped in."

"Very good," said Alberto. "Where is the Holy Grail now?"

"I pawned it at Pyro's pawnshop," said Demoman. "You'll find it in a row of shophouses down the road from here. Third left turn after the lake."

"Gracias," said Alberto.

"Thanks a lot," said Big McIntosh.

Meanwhile, miles away in La Paz in Bolivia, Sean Brink and Dario Perez were getting their booked hall, Hall 13 of the Centro Culturale di Bolivia, ready for the "CON-vention" that they'd proposed before: it was to be a huge convention known as "Università di Canterlot", and was to be, as Perez had planned, their ultimate way to put Alberto and the ponies to shame, and to avenge the death of Don Francisco Juan Perez. Benedicto Guzmán, their General Manager, walked in just then, looking really glum.

"What's the news?" asked Brink.

"Aeron emailed me," said Guzmán, "said that this big Spaniard with a tow of ponies behind him, came and humiliated him just when he was halfway claiming the Holy Grail from its alleged current possessor. The guy, he says, had top-class karate skills."

Sean Brink slammed his desk in exasperation. "COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST TOLD ME THAT ALBERTO GARCIA HAS BEEN INTERVENING IN OUR AFFAIRS?!!" he yelled.

"Calm yourself, Sean!" said Perez. "Let Benz go on!"

"There's proof here," said Guzmán. "Boris has come to report to us what happened. Come in, Boris."

Boris Grigorievich Kirilenko, the Soviet Ukrainian who had accompanied Aeron Vartan when in Scotland, entered the convention hall.

"Tell us what happened, Boris," said Perez.

Boris took a deep breath. "Aeron had to contend with two rebellious teenage boys in the gardens of MacDonwald Tower," he said. "Good thing he used the gun which Michael gave us, turning both boys into hideous beasts and deforming their faces in the process. I bound them, put them into my truck, and sent them over to Michael, who was waiting me at the airport; he said he'd take them with him immediately. Guess he's done so. But now the Holy Grail -- we were supposed to send it over to the Vaults of Heaven in St Petersburg, Michael's present residence; and now....."

"Who is this Michael you keep talking about?" demanded Brink.

"My agent," Perez interrupted. "Dr Michael Johann Valdez is my long-time friend from our days in university, and he's presently the owner of the Vaults of Heaven, the final resting place of many great Soviet leaders. I was the one who'd planned to send the Holy Grail over to him for his safekeeping, given that he's got top-notch security therein, and even our furry equine friends would never dream of stepping inside, not to mention Garcia."

"Ah, OK," sighed Brink. "Boris, I don't know how you're going to recover the Holy Grail like this, but..."

"Leave Boris alone!" boomed a voice. "He is innocent!"

The entire organising party turned and saw Satan coming down like a monster before them. All fell prostrate.

"Worthy master Satan!" gasped Perez.

"Don't you worry," said Satan. "The Holy Grail has NOT gotten away from us forever. It is presently still in Inverness Park, in Pyro's pawnshop. Tell Boris he can go and claim it from Pyro's Pawnshop; use Aeron Vartan's name. I have given you all the friends you will need to accomplish this mission. There is NO WAY you can fail this time. Boris, go back to Inverness Park NOW!"

And with that, Satan disappeared.

"Good luck, Boris," said Guzmán, petting Boris on his shoulder.

And meanwhile miles away back in Inverness Park, the ponies and Alberto were in Pyro's Pawnshop. Alberto showed the photo of the Grail to Pyro.

"Oh, someone just came to claim it an hour ago," said Pyro. "So sorry."

Everypony's facial expressions went sullen.

"What did he look like?" asked Big McIntosh, looking dead serious.

"A man in his 40's, wearing a rainbow wig and a pale blue T-shirt that had a rainbow-blitz logo in its bottom left corner," said Pyro. "He spoke with a distinct Slavic accent, albeit with a tinge of British accent therein. And if I remember correctly, he had a grey beard."

"What did he say to you?" asked Big McIntosh.

"He did mention that he was in a hurry," said Pyro; "said that our landlord Mr Vartan had sent him, on orders to claim that goblet to be sent to the Vaults of Heaven with immediate effect. Never heard of the 'Vaults of Heaven' before.... but anyways, since it was our landlord's orders, I gave it to him."

"OK, jot that down now, guys," said Big McIntosh. "A Soviet cosplayer dressed up as Rainbow Dash, claimed the Holy Grail, speaks with a hint of British accent amid his Russian voice, bearded, alleged destination of the Holy Grail is the 'Vaults of Heaven'."

"Oh wait!" cried Pyro. "He dropped this thing! It might help you to find him." He took a namecard and passed it to Big McIntosh, who read it:

TESCO Holdings Ltd

SEAN ANTHONY BRINK

Managing Partner

Email: bronysean@gmail.com

"Look at this, guys," said Big McIntosh, showing the card to his six fellow ponies and to Alberto, all of whom gasped in horror.....