My Little Pony: Quest for the Holy Grail

"Now this is just amazing," said Snips. "How on earth would the claimant leave behind Sean Brink's Tesco namecard in Pyro's Pawnshop, unless he were Sean Brink himself?"

"We've already gathered that he can't be Sean Brink," said Snails; "I mean, come on. Firstly, Brink is a whole ocean away in Bolivia doing his plan which IMHO is bound to be a failure. Secondly, he's Irish; since when did he have a Russian accent?"

"I'm getting a vibe of Aeron Vartan," hinted Soarin.

"Well, I for one don't think it's Aeron Vartan!" said Derpy. "Firstly, from what we've all heard, Aeron Vartan's Russian accent is quite strong, no hint of 'Britishness' in it. And secondly, isn't Aeron Vartan clean-shaven? How come we're being told that the person who claimed the Holy Grail from Pyro, had a grey beard?"

Alberto knew what was going on. "Basta!" he interrupted. "No point speculating! We already know the answer -- this is all part of an organised plan! In other words, Aeron Vartan is not the only thief involved!"

All the ponies' eyes went wide.

"You're not serious, are you?" said Big McIntosh.

"Are you ill?" wondered Shining Armour.

Alberto felt he had to do a bit of explaining. "Now listen to me todo el mundo," he said, sternly. "We've already been through this shit so many times. We already know that anything to do with Sean Brink is also anything to do with organised planning against us. Any amount of speculation you do will bring us back to that fact. Now let us not waste time and get on with our mission!"

"And the name that Pyro mentioned," said Shining Armour. "The 'Vaults of Heaven' -- for the win, that sounds drattedly familiar! Is that not a pagoda in St Petersburg, where all the dead Communist dictators are buried?"

"Damn! That would mean we have to go all the way to Russia from here!" cried Derpy.

"Wait a minute!" cried Braeburn suddenly. "Something just stung me on my tail!"

The other ponies checked behind Braeburn. Apparently a parchment scroll had fallen from goodness-knows-where and landed on Braeburn's tail, shocking him.

"This is no ordinary parchment," said Snails, his horn glowing and pointing toward the parchment.

"I will read it," said Shining Armour. He picked it up in his left forehoof and read it aloud:

Greetings friends, I hope you all are focusing on the quest, because the journey ahead is going to get increasingly rough as you progress along. Time is of the essence, and we need to get the Holy Grail back before June 20th, and it is already June 1st, we have only 20 days to complete this quest. As such, I will be randomly dropping clues to you in scrolls like this one, in situations where you will need the most help. You already know that there is more than one thief involved, not just Aeron Vartan; and that these theves re all on the payroll of Sean Brink and Sparkle Enterprises; and also that they intend to bring the Holy Grail to be secured deep inside the Vaults of Heaven, which is indeed in St Petersburg in Russia. You have to find the keys to open up the vaults. I suggest you make your way down to Finger Pier in Edinburgh, where you can take the ferry to Riga in Latvia. Your next clue will wait you there. Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.

"OK, guess that settles it all," said Alberto. "The only way to get the Holy Grail is to go to St Petersburg via way of Riga. We've got to find the keys to open up the vaults!

The keys to the vaults of heaven

Maybe buried somewhere in a prayer.

The keys to the vaults of heaven

Maybe heavy or lighter than air.

Open up the vaults, open up the vaults,

We’ve got to find the keys!

The nights have been growing darker,

They’re darker now than sin!

We’ll open the vaults of heaven;

The treasures are there within.

The keys to the vaults of heaven

Maybe seen in a poor child’s eye.

The keys to the vaults of heaven

Maybe heard in our desperate cries.

Open up the vaults, open up the vaults,

We’ve got to find the keys!

The nights have been growing darker,

Even darker now than sin!

We’ll open the vaults of heaven;

The glories are there within.

The keys to the vaults of heaven

Maybe buried somewhere in a prayer.

The keys to the vaults of heaven

Maybe heavy or lighter than air.

We’ve got to find the keys, we’ve got to find the keys,

To open up the vaults!

The nights have been growing darker,

And so much darker now than sin!

We’ll open the vaults of heaven;

The answers are there within!

Thus Alberto softly sang, as he led his ponies off to their next destination -- Edinburgh.

They arrived in Edinburgh at 9pm that evening. All of them were practically starving.

"Best to get something to eat," said Soarin.

"Bien," said Alberto. "And a place to stay for the night. I suggest we put up in Hotel 81 for tonight, there's a cafeteria inside."

And so the seven ponies and their human leader stepped into Edinburgh's Hotel 81. Before checking in, they went to the cafeteria to grab a bite; their favourite food -- tequila beef steaks -- was available there.

The cafeteria was relatively crowded. While they were eating, a familiar face showed up at the entrance to the cafe; it was Taddeo Spettro, now a Methodist pastor of his own church in Scotland. 20 years before, Spettro had seduced Donita, Alberto's then-wife; and later caused her to die in a fire. Alberto had not forgotten any of the hurt and heartbreak back then.

Spettro walked up to Alberto and politely greeted him. "Garcia," he said, "how are you?"

Alberto turned around to look Spettro in the eye. The face was all too familiar. The heartaches of 20 years ago just came back like a flood, overwhelming him.

"Pastor Taddeo Spettro," said Alberto, clearly sounding hostile, "this is a hotel, not a church. Please leave!"

Spettro took a deep breath. "Can you give me a little time?" he asked.

Alberto turned to his ponies. "Let's drink up," he said, taking a glass of aguardiente and beginning to drink it.

Spettro tried to yank the glass away from Alberto's hand. "Please stop drinking!" he pleaded. Alberto was not convinced. "It's none of your business!" he cried, shaking his hand free from Spettro's grip and walking over to where Shining Armour was standing.

Spettro walked toward Shining Armour. "Well, what can we do for you?" asked Shining Armour, coldly.

"Can I talk to him for a while?" asked Spettro.

"I don't want to listen to you preach!" cried Alberto, turning away.

"May I know who you are to Alberto?" asked Shining Armour, clearly unsure of the whole situation.

"I was his.... pastor," said Spettro, a little hesitant.

Alberto took his half-drunk glass of aguardiente and splashed it in Spettro's face. "I don't have a pastor like you!" he yelled. "Leave!"

Spettro, shocked beyond hope, turned and walked out of the hotel. By this time, all eyes in the hotel cafe were on Alberto, wondering what this scene was all about.

"I think you're quite tired after such a long journey, Alberto," said Big McIntosh. "So are we all anyways. We'd best check into a room and turn in for the night."

Alberto, overcome by sentimentality, said nothing in response.

The following day, Shining Armour woke up earlier than the others. He knew Alberto had to get over this sentimentality over Taddeo Spettro -- whatever it was all about -- if they were to find the Holy Grail within this extremely curt time frame of less than 20 days. So he went incognito to meet Spettro at his church, which was not far from Hotel 81.

"I'm here to apologise on Alberto Garcia's behalf," said Shining Armour.

"I'm the one who should apologise," said Spettro. "I'm a pastor. Yet I made such an embarassing scene."

"I understand how you feel, pastor," said Shining Armour. "These kinds of situations are very common, more so than we think."

"I know," said Spettro, "but..."

"But what?" asked Shining Armour.

"I mean Garcia," said Spettro; "I want to help him."

"Honestly, so do we all," said Shining Armour; "but there are too many things that we don't know."

"Rest assured I will do my best to help, should Garcia ever get into any trouble," said Spettro.

"Then I'll just thank you first," said Shining Armour, giving Spettro a brohoof.

Back at Hotel 81, Alberto Garcia and the other six ponies were packing their stuff and making ready for Finger Pier, when Shining Armour returned.

"Today I met Pastor Taddeo Spettro," he said. "I want to find out the cause of all heartbreak and to resolve all conflicts."

Alberto turned on Shining Armour. "Please don't mention his name in my presence again!" he cried. "20 years. I was banished from my homeland for 20 years. You won't understand that kind of pain!"

Big McIntosh gently nudged Shining Armour. "Shining, 20 years is a long time," he said. "I know because I've been through it. Give him some time."

"Enough time has passed," said Shining Armour. He walked up to Alberto and fixed him with a severe glare. "You keep on remembering whatever hurt and pain he caused you every day," he said. "Why do this to yourself?"

"He didn't just cause me physical pain!" retorted Alberto. "He backstabbed me. Stole my woman from me. Deprived me of my honour and my dignity. He is not fit to be a pastor!"

"Come with me," said Shining Armour. "Hop on my back. I want to show you something."

"What about us?" asked Soarin.

"Help us pack our luggages, and meet us at Finger Pier," said Shining Armour.

Shining Armour took Alberto just behind the hotel, where Pastor Taddeo Spettro was randomly distributing gospel pamphlets to random passers-by on the streets.

"He's been doing this for the past twenty years," said Shining Armour, "come wind and rain, he has not once given in."

Alberto kept quiet.

"It seems to me that he is trying to make up for some wrongs he might have done in the past," Shining Armour went on. "Don't touch the broken pieces, Don Alberto. You're bleeding too much."

"Can we go to the Finger Pier now, por favor?" demanded Alberto.

"Very well then," said Shining Armour. "Let's go." And with Alberto on his back, he galloped straight for Finger Pier, which was at the port of Edinburgh.

They arrived at Finger Pier about an hour or so later. The other six ponies were waiting them there -- with two more extras: Thunderlane and Rainbow Dash. By this time, the weather had taken a turn for the worse; it was only four o'clock in the evening but the clouds were getting darker.

"Just as well that they're here," said Shining Armour.

"Thank Celestia you've come!" said Rainbow Dash. "Her Royal Highness Princess Twilight Sparkle sent us here; seems that the forecast was a thunderstorm and gale over the Baltic Sea!"

"Alert! Cruiser Number 174 to Riga now boarding at Gate 7!" announced a female voice over the pier's loudspeaker.

"We'd better go in and board the cruiser," said Alberto.

"Right you are!" said Big McIntosh. "Quickly, before our fur gets all drenched and saturated!"

They boarded the cruiser just in time. By the time they all had had their dinner and were resting in their cabins, the rain had started pouring like never before. Now there were nine ponies and one human altogether; and yes, there was a cabin big enough to fit them all inside. Soarin, Shining Armour, Snips, Snails, and Braeburn were asleep; Alberto, Rainbow Dash, Derpy, Thunderlane, and Big McIntosh stayed awake to monitor the weather in case of another sea tragedy.

"From what I gather," said Thunderlane, "I seriously doubt that this vessel would make it to Riga safely, looking at how horrible this gale is."

"I couldn't agree more," said Derpy. "Even in the most stormy Winter Wrap Ups, I have no problems. But for once I am beginning to have fear of this kinda weather, given that it's already escalated from a storm into a gale."

"I suggest one of us goes to talk to the captain of this vessel about this," said Big McIntosh.

"Here I am," said Alberto; "send me."

The ponies nodded in affirmation. Alberto stepped out of the cabin and headed down the dimly-lit hallway, in the direction of the captain's cabin.

The door of the captain's cabin suddenly opened, and out stepped a big, burly Afro-American in naval uniform and cap. This must be the captain, thought Alberto. He walked up to the man. "Excuse me, señor Captain," he began, "but do you know anything about how the weather...."

"A judgement! Woe!" said the Afro-American man.

What a weird captain this vessel has, thought Alberto. "Sorry, but I don't understand?" he said. "I mean, I was trying to ask about the...."

"That's what I told them: 'It's a judgement'," whispered the Afro-American, clearly a somewhat eccentric man.

"But señor Captain! Surely you...." began Alberto again.

"A judgement! Yay! A judgement!" guffawed the Afro-American, as he gave Alberto a friendly but hard pet on the back. "And don'tcha forget that, baby!" And with those words, he marched off on his way. Alberto was beginning to wonder how the Scottish Navy could have employed such a weirdo for a captain.

Thankfully the real captain came out at that time. "Excuse me, sir, you're looking for the Captain?" he said, as he approached Alberto.

"Si, but..." said Alberto, startled.

"That's me!" said the man. "The captain -- it's me! What's it regarding?"

Alberto saw the naval uniform and credentials worn by this man, albeit without a cap, so he knew that this was for real this time. "The weather," he said. "Can we make it to Riga within four days?"

"Shouldn't be a problem as far as I see it," said the captain. "I've had worse weather than today. Just go back to your cabin and rest. Everything will be fine. In the event of any emergency, we'll sound the alarm."

"Muchas gracias," said Alberto, as he turned back for his cabin.

But he was shocked at the sight he saw when he reached his cabin door. A huge crowd of angry passengers had gathered in the hallway; the Afro-American man whom Alberto had encountered earlier, was apparently giving an address to them. Apparently some of them had leakages in their cabin bathrooms as a result of the gale.

"I am Philippulus the Prophet!" shouted the Afro-American. "I and I alone know why we are faced with this gale even now! This is the judgement come upon us all! We are all sinners, fallen short of the Glory of the Risen King! Fall on your knees and accept Jesus as your Risen Lord and Saviour today! And be baptised in His glorious Name, the Name of Jesus, the Name that is above every name! Come now!

Come, people of the Risen King,

Who delight to bring Him praise;

Come all and tune your hearts to sing

To the Morning Star of grace.

From the shifting shadows of the earth

We will lift our eyes to Him,

Where steady arms of mercy reach

To gather children in.

Rejoice, Rejoice! Let every tongue rejoice!

One heart, one voice; O Church of Christ, rejoice!

The passengers cried out in affirmation of the Afro-American's song. Some even fell on their knees and begged for baptism.

Of course, Alberto was by no means convinced. I've seen many locos before, but this one takes the word "loco" to a whole new level, he said to himself.

Just then, Shining Armour and Rainbow Dash came out of their cabin and saw the whole situation, the passengers pleading for divine mercy, the deranged Afro-American prophet taking a bowl of water and "baptising" the passengers, and Alberto standing aside looking scornful.

"Alberto! There you are!" cried Rainbow Dash. "You got any news from the Captain?"

"I can't hear you!" shouted Alberto. "It's really noisy here! Let me go and tell that madman to shut up!"

He walked up to the Afro-American. "Excuse me, Señor Prophet, but do you mind going back to your cabin and resting for the evening? It's already very late and I think we all want to sleep."

The Afro-American grew extremely pissed. "You heard that all of you?!" he shouted. "This guy has the sheer audacity and guts to set himself up against Philippulus the Prophet -- a servant of Satan, that's what you are! A tool of Beelzebub! And how the heck did those get here? Those....." he cried, pointing at Shining Armour and Rainbow Dash, and calling down numerous curses on them in the name of his Lord.

"No time to lose!" cried Shining Armour. "There's gonna be a stampede of bipeds! Back to the cabin quickly!!!"

"NOW!" yelled Alberto, as he and Shining Armour and Rainbow Dash ran straight back for their cabin and to safety.....