My Little Pony: Quest for the Holy Grail

Alberto, Hook, Big McIntosh, Braeburn, Derpy, Rainbow Dash, Shining Armour, Snips, Snails, Soarin, and Thunderlane woke up to find themselves on a beach. The weather was cloudy, though the rain had all but subsided by this time.

"I for one am glad to be rid of that idiotic prophet," said Rainbow Dash.

"I can see that you guys are really worth my trust," sighed Hook. "Now that we're finally on shore..... but are we in Riga?"

"I hope so," said Shining Armour. "Let's see now.... what does that signpost say -- 'Eesti Meeremuseum'? 'Toompea'?? Is THAT Latvian?"

"No, it's Estonian," said Hook. "As a sailor, I've travelled quite a lot around this region, so I can tell what language the people are speaking. We often have to communicate with the port authorities of each country in their own language, you see."

"Ah," said Alberto. "But now the thing is, the date shown here on my phone shows June 10th. We have only all but 10 days to complete this quest. And it's already getting dark here -- it's 8pm. I don't care whether we're in Estonia or Latvia, but rather I suggest we find a place to rest for the night. Maybe we can rest in the trees over there."

"No," said Thunderlane; "I think there's an inn over yonder. I suggest we go there!"

"No, Thunderlane! That inn might be a trap!" suddenly cried Snails, his horn glowing.

"You guys can nap under the trees for all you like and be bitten by the red ants," said Thunderlane, in a rage. "I will go over to the inn and rest there, and then meet you here tomorrow morning, safe and sound!"

"No! Thunderlane! NOOOO!" yelled Snips and Snails, both trying to stop Thunderlane.

"Leave him be!" ordered Alberto. "If it's a trap, he'll surely know it and come back to us sooner than we think! Let's just rest under the trees here!"

Thunderlane went alone into the inn, confident that he was going to get a luxurious rest for at least one night if not more. He was met in the inn hallway by a beautiful blonde lady receptionist. Unknown to him yet, this lady was none other than Cinzia de los Angeles, the notorious horsenapper and mistress-of-disguise who was employed under the command of Sean Brink.

"Welcome to the Bracing Breeze inn," she said. "My name is Lola and I will be your friendly hostess for the evening."

Thunderlane was smitten by this biped within seconds. "How much is the hotel charge?" he asked.

"Free for you," said Cinzia, her eyes gleaming with contentment. "Come, here is your room."

She took Thunderlane to a small room with a luxurious-looking horse-sized bed and a plate full of apples. "That's your dinner," said Cinzia, as she produced a golden chalice from her bag and filled it with intoxicating brandy. "And this is your beverage," she said, putting it before Thunderlane.

Thunderlane couldn't see it due to the dimness of the room, but this chalice was none other than the Holy Grail itself!!! Nevertheless, he drank the brandy and ate all the fruits, completely unaware that they were drugged.

"I'm tired," he yawned. "I want to sleep."

"Sure, lie down on the bed," said Cinzia. "Let me give you a massage."

"Er... shouldn't you go back to your other customers?" asked Thunderlane, wondering why this lady did not want to let him sleep alone. "Won't your manager be upset?"

"I am the manager," said Cinzia; "and because I'm with you, you can rest assured that you'll have a good night's sleep, because I've put a spell on you.

I put a spell on you..

'Cause you're mine.

You better stop the things you do..

I ain't lying,

No I ain't lying.

You know I can't stand it,

You're runnin' around.

You know better daddy..

I can't stand it cause you put me down.

I put a spell on you..

Because you're mine...

You're mine..

I love you..

I love you..

I love you...

I love you anyhow..

And I don't care.

if you don't want me,

I'm yours right now...

You hear me,

I put a spell on you..

Because you're mine.

Thunderlane fell asleep to the hypnotical singing voice of Cinzia de los Angeles. The minute he passed out, Cinzia immediately bound him and gagged him. "Tee hee hee! That's taken care of him!" she giggled, taking out her phone to email Sean Brink to notify him of her apparent victory.

The next morning, the other eight ponies and two humans were surprised that Thunderlane had not returned unlike he'd promised. Alberto was getting worried. "We'd better go to that inn and find him!" he yelled.

The inn proved to have no sign of life anywhere, apart from one of its rooms with the bedsheets pulled apart and the fruits all eaten to the core. There was only another parchment on the bed, but nevertheless, a parchment.

"My sister again!" said Shining Armour. "We'd better read this one!"

Alberto picked the parchment up and read it:

Even if you didn’t make it to Riga, Tallinn will do fine for now. Here is your next clue: Thunderlane has been horsenapped by an aide of Sean Brink; she’s an Inca from Chaco in Bolivia, her name is Cinzia de los Angeles, and she is an extremely experienced and high-profile serial horsenapper as well as a master of disguise, she’s horsenapped for Tesco before. I have included two photos of her for your reference. Do not worry, she cannot travel far, I have put certain obstacles in her way to prevent her from going far. She is right now at Hare Krishna’s Vegetarian Restaurant in downtown Tallinn. Go there quickly and rescue Thunderlane, then make off immediately for St Petersburg; there is a direct highway leading there from Tallinn! Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle

Immediately below the parchment was a recent B&W photo of Cinzia de los Angeles.

"No time to waste!" shouted Alberto. "We're off to Hare Krishna's at once!"

Hare Krishna's Vegetarian Restaurant was located in the street just adjacent. It was an outdoor street cafeteria typical of the Soviet era in Estonia. The sole proprietor, Hare Krishna, was a native of Tamil Nadu who had once been a close friend of former Beatle George Harrison.

When the eight ponies and two humans arrived, they found that the restaurant was practically empty except for one customer, a Charlie Chaplin wannabe, seated at one of the tables eating braised kailan in lime juice, and texting away on an iPhone.

"Excuse me," said Big McIntosh, approaching the sole customer. "Do you happen to have seen the woman in this picture?" He produced the B&W photo of Cinzia.

The Charlie-Chaplin-wannabe stopped texting, looked at the party, and spoke in a deep, gruff voice. "I'm sorry, but I don't know this person. Excuse me. I'm kind of busy now."

"Erm.. sir, are you a pervert of some sort?" suddenly asked Snips, out of mere curiosity. "Why are you carrying a woman's handbag?"

Just then, Hare Krishna happened to come out of the kitchen. Before the Charlie Chaplin wannabe could answer, he happened to overhear what Snips had said, and noticed the female-exclusive handbag carried by this customer.

"Who are you?!" demanded Hare Krishna. "Why are you carrying a woman's handbag?!! I seriously never expected to have a pervert among my customers! Here's your money! Take it back and get the fuck out of my restaurant at once!"

"For your information," growled the Charlie Chaplin wannabe, "his" voice escalating into a high soprano key, "I am a woman!" And so saying, "he" took off "his" hat and wig and pulled out a gun. Alberto and his companions all knew that this Charlie Chaplin wannabe was none other than Cinzia de los Angeles herself, in one of her many highly-convincing disguises.

"Get down, all of you!" yelled Cinzia. "Hands on your heads! And squat down! And don't you dare fidget or I will put a bullet through your brains!"

Ebben, so this is the end of us all now, said Alberto to himself as he squat down with his hands behind his head.

"HANDS UP!" came a male voice, an authentically male voice this time, from not far off. Everypony looked up, even Cinzia. There stood a big, burly British detective with a gun in his hand, pointed at Cinzia, with four other detectives alongside him.

Assistant Superintendent of Police (ASP) James Bond, also known as 007, was a police officer from Scotland Yard and in charge of a delegation sent to arrest Cinzia de los Angeles. The rest of the delegation, which were also present, included Inspectors Michael Johnson and Hector O'Brien and Sergeants Kimberly Goldstein and Bill Love.

"Cinzia de los Angeles! We are from Scotland Yard!" said Bond, producing his credentials. "We are sent here on Her Majesty's Orders because we have a warrant to arrest you for numerous horsenapping cases in the United Kingdom! Please follow us back to assist us in our investigations immediately!"

"Ebben! Come and get me then!" shouted Cinzia.

Within a matter of minutes, Cinzia was easily overpowered by the five officers, who were surrounding her on all sides. "Now are you going to cooperate, or not?" demanded Bond. Cinzia raised her hands but was too scared to reply.

"Officers, if you'll allow me to add," put in Alberto, "one of our horses has gone missing, and it is believed that this woman here has horsenapped him. An Andalusian pegasus with black fur and a silver mane. We're looking for him now actually."

"Very good! Escort us to where this horse is now, or we will slap another charge on your head!" ordered Johnson.

"Do what you like with me, Ah Sir," said Cinzia, "but please stop showering your blessings in my face. It's wet!"

"MOVE!" yelled O'Brien.

Cinzia, very grudgingly and with her hands in the air, walked the party of eight ponies, two civilian humans, and five police officers to a deserted skyscraper a few metres away, where Thunderlane was bound and gagged.

"There he is," said Cinzia.

"Cuff her up!" ordered Bond. The officers immediately handcuffed Cinzia. "You bastards!" she cried, as they led her away to the waiting interpol car. "You ruined my life! You'll suffer retribution! PTUI!" And spitting on the ground, she laughed like a deranged maniacal woman.

"Shut the fuck up can't you!" shouted Bill Love, punching Cinzia in the face and pushing her into the police car with his colleagues. James Bond and the other officers got into the car and sped off.

Soarin went up to bite the ropes that were binding Thunderlane. Within a few minutes, Thunderlane was finally loose.

"Whew!" he gasped.

"Next time, pal, don't ever run away like that again!" said Soarin. "That woman could have turned you into horsemeat sooner than you think!"

Suddenly, a piece of dynamite dropped from the second storey window of the deserted skyscraper. It was about to explode, but Thunderlane, seeing it, jumped on it and managed to extinguish the dynamite just in time before the estimated explosion.

"Que pasa!?!" cried Alberto.

Suddenly, a male maniacal laugh came from within the skyscraper. "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!"

Everypony looked up to where the sound was coming from. An all-too-familiar black face was gazing out of the second storey window at them and laughing maniacally. "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! It is the judgement come upon you! Philippulus the Prophet gave you ample warning!"

Caramba, it's that loco prophet again, said Alberto to himself.

"You!" suddenly cried Philippulus the Prophet, going into a hysterical rage the minute he saw Alberto. "I recognise you! You're the servant of Satan! Keep your distance, fiend!"

Just then, a big burly Russian with a minigun came walking in. Yevgeny Ludmilovich "Heavy" Nyelidin, a native of Minsk, was the project manager of the skyscraper's construction. "What's going on here?" he boomed. "And what's that intruder doing on my balcony?!"

Hook tried to reason with his long-time ex-colleague. "Please, my dear Philippulus!" he pleaded. "It is I, Hook, your brother-in-arms from the navy! We worked together hand-in-hand! Won't you take my word and come down?"

"You are not Hook!" yelled Philippulus the Prophet. "You have assumed his shape, but you are a fiend! You are NOT Hook!"

"But I am Heavy Nyelidin, by thunder -- project manager of this construction site!" boomed Heavy. "And I order you by the power vested in me, to come down immediately!"

"No way Jose!" laughed Philippulus the Prophet. "Philippulus the Prophet takes orders only from above! I am staying here! And to prove to you my point, I shall go higher!" He went to a stairwell and climbed to the third floor and peered out the window at everypony.

"Look, what's bitten you?!" cried Alberto. "In heaven's name, come down!"

"You speak not in the name of heaven, but of hell!" retorted Philippulus the Prophet. "I'm staying here!"

"Guys, no point doing this to him!" whispered Rainbow Dash. "I've got a better idea! He'll come down. You'll see."

"Good luck, Dash!" said Big McIntosh.

Rainbow Dash galloped to a few blocks away till she was out of the mad prophet's vision, flew into the air about the same level as he was, and then, in her most masculine-sounding voice, she shouted out.

"Hello, hello, Philippulus the Prophet! This is your guardian angel speaking from heaven! I order you to return to earth! And be careful -- don't break your neck!"

The Afro-American prophet heard these words echo around, but saw no-one in sight saying them. He grew scared and immediately began to descend the stairwell to the ground floor. "Yes, sir," he said, scared. "At once, sir. Don't be angry, sir...."

Just then, an ambulance drove by, driven by three Medics; they stopped it at the skyscraper and got out. "There he is!" cried a Medic, as he bound Philippulus the Prophet in a strait-jacket and led him to the ambulance. "He's a patient from the mental hospital. We've been looking for him all day."

As the ambulance drove off, the nine ponies and two humans breathed a sigh of relief. Heavy Nyelidin was very grateful. "If not for you," he said, shaking Rainbow Dash's hoof, "my construction project would have been surely ruined by now."

"Guess I just got 20 per cent cooler," smiled Rainbow Dash, "but I think we've got more important things to do now. Could you tell us the quickest route to St Petersburg, please?"

"You mean Pyotrograd?" said Heavy, using the Russian name of the city. "Quickest-route would be by the Trans-Siberian Expressway, or TSE, which goes down this route. Exit 17B."

"Thanks," said Alberto.

Just then, Applejack, Flash Sentry, and Dumbbell arrived.

"What are you guys doing here?!" gasped Alberto.

"Guys! Her Royal Highness gave us orders to help you out on the next bit of your journey!" said Flash Sentry. "She brings orders for you also -- go directly to St Petersburg NOW!"

"No time to waste!" added Applejack.

"So now there are two of us humans and twelve ponies!" cried Alberto, as he mounted Big McIntosh. "On the road immediately!"