My Little Pony: Quest for the Holy Grail

After the twelve ponies, along with Alberto and Captain Hook, had left the scene and headed for St Petersburg, Hare Krishna was left alone to tidy up the mess in his restaurant. He was extremely pissed that this kind of rotten luck had befallen him today, of all days, it had to be on Diwali, the Indian festival of lights. And he was even more mad to discover that Cinzia de los Angeles had left her handbag behind -- giving him all but one more headache.

But his anger subsided when he discovered a pure gold chalice inside Cinzia's handbag. Unknown to him yet, this was the Holy Grail itself, the very same cup used by Jesus at the Last Supper, that was stolen from Canterlot Castle's Maximum Security Vault by Aeron Vartan, and that was used by Cinzia to give Thunderlane brandy just the other night!! But Hare Krishna, completely ignorant of these facts, thought he had stumbled on a pure gold chalice that would be worth millions of roubles if he sold it. So he took the Holy Grail and immediately made off for the Estonian Flea Market, just a few streets down. The merchant he sold it to was an old lady who sold antiques; a few minutes after Hare Krishna left the market, Cheese Sandwich happened to be passing by.

"Excuse me, ma'am," he said, "but how much is that chalice worth?" (Unlike Hare Krishna, Cheese Sandwich certainly could tell the Holy Grail when he saw it.)

"Sell it to you for 30 roubles, little horsey," said the old lady, stroking Cheese Sandwich on his mane.

Cheese Sandwich opened his purse and paid up promptly. "Thanks," he said, as he took the Holy Grail into his hooves and put it into his van-sized cart, before pulling it back to his coffee shop in the outskirts of Saint Petersburg.

[flashback]

Cheese Sandwich was an earth pony who was a native of Canterlot, the capital and largest city of Equestria; years before Alberto Garcia had relocated to Equestria, Cheese Sandwich had been the head chef in Castle Canterlot's Central Kitchen; his specialty, as his name suggests, was in making cheese sandwiches and black coffee. He always referred to his black coffee as "kopi-o". All his specialties were well loved by everypony in Equestria, even by Princesses Celestia and Luna; and to be able to eat his cuisine was considered a once-in-a-blue-moon privilege.

Unfortunately, following an incognito visit to the Castle's Library one evening out of sheer boredom, he was intrigued by a couple of books on Marxism and how it became political. And that was where he began to start delving into Marxism at its very roots, and believing in it with all his heart.

The day came when he and his cooks -- all of them Minions specially imported from Peking -- did not turn up for work one evening. Apparently they were hiding in the Badlands in the South of Equestria, hoping to begin a coup d'etat of the entire principality, in the hope of ousting the two Princesses and turning Equestria into a one-party socialist state. Thankfully, that never happened, for Princess Celestia discovered that just in time, and the Equestrian Army, led by Shining Armour and Flash Sentry, defeated Cheese Sandwich at the Badlands, and banished him to earth.

After living a wanderer's life in Siberia for a few months, Cheese Sandwich would later move to live in St Petersburg, where he was adopted by Dr Michael Johann Valdez, an exiled socialist German who had worked for former East German dictator Erich Honecker years ago. Michael and Cheese Sandwich together started a new franchise, called "Ah Seng Cheese Toast"; their first outlet opened in the outskirts of St Petersburg, and two more followed suit in Moscow and in Minsk.

Dario Flavio Perez and his wife, Feliscia, visited the St Petersburg outlet a year later, after being invited by Michael, who had been Perez's long-time friend since their college days. It was there that Perez offered Cheese Sandwich to become Sparkle Enterprises' resident war horse. While not a Shire or Clydesdale (he was a Thoroughbred, and hence not the most suitable breed for wars), Cheese Sandwich nevertheless agreed; he was, after all, a really fast pony. Perez then gave him a task: He would send someone to go and get the Holy Grail, and then bring it over to Earth, to Cheese Sandwich, who would receive it and bring it to the Vaults of Heaven -- Michael's castle-like residence -- and store it deep in the Grail Vault, which was deep underground in the Vaults of Heaven. Cheese Sandwich jumped at this chance; he had been waiting for so long to get his revenge against Princess Celestia for having banished him...

[/flashback]

Now that Cheese Sandwich had acquired the Holy Grail, he was most certainly more than overjoyed; he knew that this was to be the final stretch of the vengeance mission that he had wanted to be a part of for so many years. He immediately sent an email to Sean Brink, saying that the Holy Grail was now in his hooves, and he was taking it over to Michael as planned. Brink replied promptly, congratulating Cheese Sandwich on a job well done.

It was during this time that Alberto and Hook, along with Applejack, Big McIntosh, Braeburn, Derpy, Dumbbell, Flash Sentry, Rainbow Dash, Shining Armour, Snips, Snails, Soarin, and Thunderlane, all arrived outside the St Petersburg outlet of "Ah Seng Cheese Toast", after 2 days of arduous journeying through the wintry landscapes of Estonia and then Russia.

"I'm famished!" gasped Rainbow Dash.

"We should eat somewhere!" added Flash Sentry.

"For once, I agree with you!" said Big McIntosh. "Normally I would be able to take this kind of journeying, but the harsh weather of the Soviet Union really makes me feel.... er.... out of place!"

"We'd better look around for a place to eat," said Alberto.

Suddenly, there came a song from not far off, sung by a masculine voice as clear as crystal water:

Dans quelques places qui nous connaissons bien,

Il y a les déjeuner qui nous connaissons bien.

Les chefs du restaurant,

Tous ont sourris qui sont toute le même.

Dans cette place qui nous connaisons bien,

Il y a des faces qui nous connaissons bien.

Ça, c'est partout une place, où tout le monde sait!

Buvons un verre de caffé,

Et discutons des choses nouvelles!

Invitez vos amis d'ici,

De boire et parler pour toute l'heure!

Dans cette rue, les voitures viennent et vont,

Et qui pense à le rue de croix?

Vous ne vous voit bien d'ici? Ça, c'est partout normal!

Kopi-o! Kopi-o! Buvons un verre de kopi-o!

Kopi-o! Kopi-o! Et oublions tous les choses mal!

Dans cette place qui nous connaisons bien,

Il y a ideales qui à nous font plaisir!

Et donc allez-y, enfants, ad ouvrir une nouvelle journée!

And from where they were, they could see the Ah Seng Cheese Toast restaurant, and Cheese Sandwich serving a few customers therein; and so they knew that it was his voice that had been singing.

"We'll eat there," decided Shining Armour. Everypony agreed.

Yes, none of them suspected that their mutual decision to eat there was going to be the very thing that was going to be luring them into a trap. They queued up waiting for seats.

"Good evening, friends," said Cheese Sandwich. "A table for fourteen, I presume?"

"Si," said Alberto. "Have you such a table?"

"You are in best of luck!" smiled Cheese Sandwich. "There's just such a table here! Come, let me join it together for you." He joined together seven two-seaters. "Voilà!" he said. "Have a seat, friends!" So these are the targets that Michael was telling me about, he said to himself.

After the party of fourteen sat down, Cheese Sandwich took their orders -- 14 cheese sandwiches as set meals. Going to his kitchen, he got his Minion chefs to cook exactly that -- with 200 milligrams of lithium poured incognito into the melted cheese. Once all fourteen cheese sandwich sets were done, Cheese Sandwich served them out. "There ya go!" he said. "Enjoy your meal!" Hee hee hee, the fun begins here, he said to himself.

"I don't know why," said Big McIntosh, "but I feel strange."

"I feel really dizzy!" yawned Alberto.

"I want to go home...." gasped Derpy.

And within a matter of minutes, the entire party passed out, overcome by the drugged cheese sandwiches. Cheese Sandwich rubbed his hooves in glee. "That's taken care of them!" he giggled, as he put them one by one into the very same cart that he had used to carry the Holy Grail to Michael Valdez in St Petersburg merely a few hours before. Harnessing himself to the cart, Cheese Sandwich immediately galloped off for the Vaults of Heaven.

Meanwhile miles away in Bolivia, Sean Brink received news from Cheese Sandwich via email -- there were twelve ponies and two humans altogether who had just been successfully taken prisoner, and were on the way to be delivered to Michael Valdez. Brink immediately got concerned. "Dammit! He's putting us in peril!" he cried, rising to his feet.

"Que pasa?!" cried Dario Perez.

"Que pasa? Que pasa is that the party of stalkers has exponentially increased!" cried Brink. "Weren't there originally seven horses and one human being? And now what is this about TWELVE horses and TWO human beings? Where did that other human being come from anyway?!! This will not do! I think we'd better rush to St Petersburg before we get overwhelmed!"

"I'll come with you, Sean!" said Perez. "Benz, you stay here and take care of all Università di Canterlot matters! Inform us immediately if anything goes wrong! Adios!"

Benedicto Guzmán rubbed his hands. Señor Brink certainly is an excellent organiser, but I think I can do better, he said to himself. Calling Jovento Bajarán, Aeron Vartan, and Boris Kirilenko to his side, he gave them orders. "Jovento, go and make sure all the sponsors have arrived," he said. "Boris, you make sure all the performers -- singers, dancers, cosplayers, etc., come on time. And you, Aeron, please inform our guest of honour, our Deputy Prime Minister cum Minister for Home Affairs Señor Eduardo Linera Oscuro, that Alberto Garcia might well try to use one or more forms of witchcraft to gatecrash our convention; and hence to be sure that we have enough police officers on security duty."

Two days later, Perez and Brink landed at the airport in St Petersburg; they immediately ran over to the Vaults of Heaven to see Michael Valdez.

"Ach so! You certainly took your time!" said Valdez. "Cheese Sandwich emailed me, said he'd be here in a matter of hours. He already passed me the Holy Grail earlier on; I've since kept it in the Maximum Security Grail Vault in my home."

"Good to know that you've kept the Holy Grail safe and sound, Michael," said Perez.

"But Cheese Sandwich is bringing over 14 prisoners altogether -- 12 ponies and 2 humans!" cried Brink. "Are you sure this is not a trojan-horse kind of trap??"

"The poison I gave to Cheese Sandwich to put into the food to be served to them, was pure lithium, so the chances of them getting knocked out are close to perfection," said Valdez. "Furthermore, Cheese Sandwich has enough length of ropes to tie them all down. There is no way he can fail us."

"Then where will you have place to imprison the prisoners?" said Perez. "Surely they might break free and grab the Holy Grail from you incognito, given that this is all going to be in the same building?"

"Believe me," said Valdez, "I know just the place to put the prisoners in."

Just then, the sound of hooves was heard; and within a matter of minutes, Cheese Sandwich came galloping into view. "Finally!" he cried. "Here are the prisoners! Wait a minute! Sean, Dario, how come you guys are here??"

"We want to see the prisoners," said Dario, proceeding to open up the door of the trailer that Cheese Sandwich had been pulling.

"Be careful, Dario," said Brink.

Perez opened the door of Cheese Sandwich's trailer. All twelve ponies and both humans were inside, unconscious as ever.

"The naval captain is of no use to us," said Brink. "Strip him nude and throw him out into the tundra. But as for the others, we'll take them prisoner."

"You guys will have to come in with me," said Valdez, as he led them into the Vaults of Heaven and bolted the door tight. "My home is patrolled well by my servants. They will definitely know what to do if they see the prisoners escape. Right now I'll take you guys to the Rainy Hall. We'll dump the prisoners there."

And so Valdez, Brink, Perez, and Cheese Sandwich together took the twelve bound-and-gagged ponies and Alberto -- all of them still unconscious -- to the Rainy Hall via way of the Old Archives. "We will dump them here," whispered Valdez. "They will not detect anything. Meanwhile, since you both are already here, come with me, I'll need you guys to do something for me...."