My Little Pony: Quest for the Holy Grail

"OWWW!" howled Alberto as his feet got trapped in the sticky stuff that was filling up the small hallway leading into the Entrance Hall. "What in the name of the Santa Madre de Dios is this!"

"It's red, it's icky, and it's painful to the touch!" cried Big McIntosh. "Quick, let's all take a running jump over this and get the heck into the Entrance Hall!"

They did that, but not without sustaining a few cuts and bruises here and there. The Entrance Hall was enormous but very run down, with a small spiral staircase leading up to another door labelled "ARCHIVES", a straight staircase leading downwards to a door labelled "REFINERY", and a third staircase  that led downwards to two more doors labelled "WINE CELLAR" and "LABORATORY". And the biggest door of all was the exit door, which was on the other end of this Entrance Hall.

"I don't think we should exit yet," said Shining Armour. "I know we're all kind of tempted to, but knowing where we are now as per my sister's last parchment, we have to find the Holy Grail before we can go home. Let's try.... let me see" -- his horn started glowing at this point -- "I suggest we try the Archives first."

As soon as they stepped into the Archives door, Alberto had a flashback. He remembered something that had happened on June 1st -- Huascar, his gaming teacher and his best human friend at the time, had told him that he had to go back from Equestria to Peru to attend his mother's funeral. By a coincidence, the funeral was supposedly to be held on June 20th, the same day as the scheduled date of the evil forces' convention in La Paz known as "Università di Canterlot" -- and in Chistenango, a city within walking distance from La Paz!! Overcome by this flashback, Alberto fell to his knees and began crying.

"You OK, noble Don Alberto?" asked Thunderlane, gently nuzzling Alberto.

"Take it easy, mate," said Braeburn. "You'll be fine."

Alberto took a deep breath before speaking again. "Huascar said to me," he said, "that he had to go back to Earth because his mom had died of cancer. The funeral, it seems, was scheduled for June 20th this year. But by a remarkable and seeminly inexplicable coincidence, the CON-vention of our enemies was also scheduled for that very same day and the day after. What is more, it is to be held in a location which is pretty near to Chistenango crematorium. I fear the worst." Then, gazing his eyes to the dark ceiling, he slowly began to sing:

I stumble in the night,

Never really knew when it would have been right,

You’re no longer there to break my fall.

My heartache over you,

Given everything but it wouldn’t get through;

I never saw the signs,

You’re the last to know when love is blind.

All the tears and the turbulent years

When I would not wait for no one,

Never stopped to take a look at myself…..

Meanwhile, miles away in Chaco, Bolivia, Huascar was indeed attending his mother's funeral for real, unlike what Alberto was suspecting of him. As the Inca priests chanted funeral rites over Isabella León's coffin, Huascar sang:

.... and see me losing you.

When the lonely heart breaks, it’s the one that foresakes,

It’s the flame that we stole.

And I’m missing you more, and the fire that will roar,

There’s a hole in my soul.

For you it’s goodbye, for me it’s to cry,

For whom the bell tolls.

Of course, Alberto was completely unaware of whether or not his suspicions were confirmed or unfounded (of course it was the latter!), given that he and his twelve pony companions were locked up in the Vaults of Heaven and had a very important chore to do for the security of all Equestria. Sentimental about his best human friend's loyalty stance, and recalling the infamous Bel Mundo case that had happened 20 years ago, Alberto looked to the ceiling of the dark Vaults of Heaven and sang out:

I’ve seen you in a magazine,

A picture at a party where you shouldn’t have been,

Leaning on the aisle with someone else.

I’m still in love with you,

Won’t you come home to your little boy blue?

I’m come to feel inside

This precious love was never mine!

Now I know but a little too late

That I could not live without you;

In the dark or the broad day light…

Unlike Alberto, Huascar was clearly aware that Alberto would be suspecting him; after all, he knew his friend well enough to know his state of emotions in the event of a long absence, even though he certainly did not know anything about Alberto's present whereabouts, let alone the "Università di Canterlot" rogue convention cum booby trap which was in fact already taking place within 5 minutes' driving distance from the township of Chistenango, the crematorium in where Isabella León's body was to find its final resting place. Bronyism was important to Huascar, but there again so was his mother's funeral rites; as he gazed upon his mother's coffin being loaded onto the pure white funeral van bound for Chistenango crematorium, with tears in his eyes, he sang:

… I promise I’ll be there.

When the lonely heart breaks, it’s the one that foresakes,

It’s the flame that we stole.

And I’m missing you more, and the fire that will roar,

There’s a hole in my soul.

For you it’s goodbye, for me it’s to cry,

For whom the bell tolls.

Alberto, for the most part, had only two uppermost thoughts in his mind that were battling each other: either to get out of this place fast and rush back to Bolivia, snatch Huascar away from the forces of evil (if, heaven forbid, he was indeed seen with them), and then drag him back to Equestria with the twelve ponies; or to find the Holy Grail first and then rush back to Equestria with it, securing Equestria but leaving the young and talented Huascar to his fate. And time was certainly of the essence, given that it was already June 20th. Deeply overcome, Alberto sang:

And I knew there’d be times like this

When I couldn’t reach out to no-one.

And I’m never gonna find someone

That knows me like you do!

Are you leaving me a helpless child

When it took so long to save you?

I’ll fight the devil in the deep blue sea

And follow you everywhere!

Huascar, for his part, had no time to think about anything else, not even his beloved ponies -- because he had to concentrate on the final rituals of his mother's cremation. The coffin was loaded into the crematorium, and Huascar, tears filling up in his eyes, sang his final goodbyes to his mother:

And I promise I’ll be there!

When the lonely heart breaks, it’s the one that foresakes,

It’s the flame that we stole.

And I’m missing you more, and the fire that will roar,

There’s a hole in my soul.

For you it’s goodbye, for me it’s to cry,

For whom the bell tolls.

71-year-old Bernardo León gave his 41-year-old son a friendly pet on the back. "Don't cry anymore, Huascar; Mama is in a better place now, with our Lord," he said.

"Papa, I weep not for Mama's soul," said Huascar; "rather, I weep that Alberto Garcia may not trust in my loyal heart of friendship and care for him!"

Don Bernardo's face grew very sullen. He was about to scold his son, the way he had done in times past, but this time, no words came out. Huascar sensed something was amiss, as did the rest of his extended family gathered in the crematorium hall.

For a moment nothing happened. Then suddenly! Don Bernardo coughed up a gob of blood and passed out on the floor!! You could just imagine the state of panic everypony in the Chistenango Crematorium hall was in!!!

"Caramba! Call an ambulance now! RAPIDO! Papa is in critical condition!!" yelled Huascar. "Rapido por Dios!!"

Don Bernardo was not coughing up blood because of his anger; but rather, because he had just been hit in the neck by a silent bullet from a sniper rifle belonging to Benedicto Guzmán!! Guzmán, who had taken over the charge of the "Università di Canterlot" rogue convention in Bolivia in the absence of Sean Brink and Dario Perez, had temporarily left the event in the charge of his deputy Jovento Bajarán, while he went to the balcony of his hotel room in the Radisson to snipe Don Bernardo with his new Hitman's Heatmaker. Bajarán entered just then.

"Benz, como eres?" he asked.

"Bueno, gracias," replied Guzmán. "Just gave a headshot to Bernardo León with this new toy of mine. This will teach him a fucking lesson for asking his son to go and pay respects to his wife rather than joining us at this convention. Huascar's talent would have benefitted us greatly. But all thanks to that muchacho Alberto Garcia, we lost him. Such a loss, but since we can't get Garcia dead or alive, we might as well kill Bernardo León, as he too had a share of the blame in this!"

"Don't worry about Garcia, if I'm not wrong, he's imprisoned in the Vaults of Heaven right now, according to the email Sean just sent me," said Bajarán. “He and his furry four-footed friends are all locked up in a dark labyrinth; they can’t go very far.”

“All thirteen of them??” gasped Guzmán. “Won’t that be as good as outnumbering us? And surely the Holy Grail is in the very same Vaults of Heaven by this time?”

“Si and si,” said Bajarán, smiling. “But as I said before, the Vaults of Heaven is so big and so dark, knowing Garcia’s affeminate nature, he would sooner give up than go on. And furthermore, from what Sean said here in his email, the Vaults of Heaven do have a terrifying selection of monsters patrolling every other corridor, some of whom can kill in only one hit, even if their victim is at full health. And are not Sean and Dario already there, making sure that they don’t escape?”

“The two of them would have to come back soon,” said Guzmán; “Sean did say that he and Dario would be back for the second day of Università di Canterlot, which is tomorrow.”

“As long as Garcia has been given the what-for, I guess we can sit back and enjoy our convention,” said Bajarán. “Remember your speech to the audience tomorrow, concerning Garcia and his abuse of the fandom for his harem and his political dissidency.”

“Believe me,” smiled Guzmán, “I know what to say.”

Meanwhile in the Vaults of Heaven, Alberto had just managed to pick himself up and carry on, practically undaunted. He and the Twelve slowly walked into the Archives, which was somewhat better-lit than the previous areas they’d seen. It looked like a once-magnificent Czarist-era corridor. The walls were lined with Soviet propaganda as well as photos of Stalin, Mao, and Ceaucescu, the three worst socialist dictators the world has ever known. Those very photos made Alberto shudder with fear.

“Let’s get going,” young Snips gave Alberto a friendly prick on the leg with his horn.

“Vabben,” murmured Alberto. “Let’s search these rooms and see what we find.”

The doors were mostly ajar and these rooms had nothing of interest; but of particular concern was the room immediately in front of them — the one labelled “Local History”. Reason: the door was locked and bolted.

“Only one other way to go,” said Derpy; “let’s turn right. I think there’s a brightly lit hallway there.”

Following the hallway down, they saw a piano at the far end, to the left of which was another similar corridor as the one they were in earlier on.

“Ah! A piano!” said Alberto, opening up the piano and hoping to play something. To everypony’s horror, suddenly the piano automatically began playing the “Bridal Chorus” by Richard Wagner!!!

“Teeheehee! Somepony’s getting married! And I wonder who!” Applejack teased Alberto.

“Kiri belok! Into the corridor!” ordered Alberto. “That piano will raise the alarm!"

The next corridor was just as barren as the first; nothing of interest apart from a couple of tinderboxes and a medikit. “We’ll need these medicaments in case we get some nasty form of distemper in this rundown castle,” said Big McIntosh, taking the medikit in his left hoof.

There were also two rooms in this section; one had nothing of much interest, but the other, labelled “MAPS”, seemed to intrigue the party. “I’ll go scout it out,” said Shining Armour. As he stepped in, suddenly a crashing sound was heard!!

“Caramba! The roof from where we stepped in just collapsed!” cried Alberto.

“Not only that, it seems that our return passage is barred by impassable stones!!” cried Rainbow Dash.

Shining Armour kept calm. “Not to worry,” he said. “Look at that wall between the two room doors and tell me what you see.”

“A … lobang?” said Alberto, staring at a small crack in the wall that had obviously been caused by the impact of the collapsing ceiling earlier on.

“Very good,” said Shining Armour. “Now look at my forehead and tell me what you see there.”

“A horn,” said Alberto, a little annoyed that Shining Armour was asking the obvious.

“Cool,” said Shining Armour. “I believe you all get the message now. Well, not all of you.” He said this because he knew that all his fellow equines understood his point of view, but Alberto — the only biped present — did not. “Stand back!” ordered Shining Armour. The other eleven ponies, and Alberto also, took two steps back. Shining Armour trotted to the small crack in the wall and gored it with his horn till it was big enough to go through.

“Follow me now!” he ordered.

Spellbound, the other eleven ponies and Alberto followed Shining Armour through the hole into a room of bookshelves. There was a door inside, but it was locked.

“Hold on a minute,” said Alberto. “This room…. is not the Local History room that we saw earlier, is it?”

“Well, that is beside the point,” said Derpy; “what we need to do now is find a way to get beyond that seemingly impassable bookshelf over there. I think I see a light under it, indicating that there’s a secret room inside.”

“I’ll try bashing down the shelf,” said Alberto. He tried in vain to do so.

“That won’t help,” said Big McIntosh, feeling the shelf’s material with his hoof. “But I think this will. Look down on the floor.”

Sure enough, there was ANOTHER parchment on the floor!! “My sister!” gasped Shining Armour.

“I’ll read this one,” said Dumbbell. Picking up the parchment in his hooves, he read:

You are in the right place, do not worry. And yes, on the other far side of the room is a shelf where if you get too close, you'll notice that there's another room behind it. The way to make this shelf move is by pulling three books fast enough. The first book is on the shelf to the left from where you entered this room. Don't worry, the three books all look the same and are very easy to spot. It's the bright colored book that is simply screaming to be pulled out. Pull the first book and you'll hear the mechanism to start moving. The second and third books are on the shelf facing the main door on the other side. The second book is near the secret door, while the third book is near the glass cases. Pull them quickly and the secret door will be revealed. Inside this room there is a key to the wine cellar. Grab the key and head down to the wine cellar, my next parchment will be there. Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle

“Let me take care of that!” said Applejack. She found the first book and pulled it. A gear’s mechanism sound was heard.

Alberto and Soarin found the next two books and pulled them in turn. The shelf moved to reveal a small study with a window overlooking the table.

“The key’s there!” said Alberto, picking up the key on the study’s table. “And what’s that note on this table?”

“Let me read that one,” said Braeburn. He took the note in his hooves and read:

Lieber Herr Oscuro,

I am delighted to be able to provide you with two of my servants for mock display at Università di Canterlot, to which Sean has invited you as a guest of honour. Griflet and Bedevere were a little reluctant to go to Bolivia, but I have already incarcerated them until they say yes. In any case, they’ll still be escorted via ferry to La Paz first thing tonight, and a courier will send them to your office in the Bolivian Ministry of Home Affairs.

Should you have any further questions, you can contact either me or Sean directly. Also, should the two boys misbehave themselves at any point during the Università di Canterlot, I give you full power to punish them for disturbing the peace to the fullest extent of the law.

Yours faithfully,

Michael Johann Valdez Ph.D.

“Griflet and Bedevere? Aren’t those the two wards of Demoman?” gasped Alberto, recalling what had happened in Scotland. “How did they end up here?"

“You do recall that they went missing,” said Shining Armour, as he led the party out of the secret room through the Local History door which was now apparently and miraculously unlocked. “There was a poster of them in MacDonwald house stating so. Furthermore, Demoman did say that he carelessly left them alone to play in the garden, and did not expect that Aeron Vartan would intervene so quickly in his absence.

“Who’s Herr Oscuro?” asked Snails.

“Rear-Admiral Eduardo Linera Oscuro is my country’s Acting Prime Minister cum Minister of Home Affairs,” sighed Alberto. “He isn’t exactly very popular with us Aymaras, though he does have a huge following among our country’s Inca population, being an Inca himself."

“GROWWRRR!” a sound was suddenly heard from down the hall, startling all present.

“There’s nothing, don’t worry,” said Shining Armour, his horn glowing. “Let’s just get out of here via the hallway with the scary piano and then to the entrance hall.”

The party was shocked to discover more organic matter in the Entrance Hall!! “Carefully tread over it!” ordered Big McIntosh. “Shining Armour and I will guide you guys through this one!”

Making their way from the archives to the wine cellar took only ten minutes but seemed years long due to the intermittent red organic matter filling up the place. The door of the wine cellar unlocked easily, and the thirteen of them slowly walked down the spiral staircase. “AWW!” a sound was heard reverberating around the place.

“Nothing, that sound was not from the cellar,” said Shining Armour, his horn once again beginning to glow. “Let’s just make our way down and see what my sister has to say.”

The parchment was at the bottom of the stairwell. Shining Armour, taking it in his hooves, read:

There are four chemicals herein which you’ll need to create a strong acid. This place is underground and so will be quite dark. Don’t worry, you have a few tinderboxes to light up the torches on the walls, if there be any monsters you also have Excalibur. The four chemicals are labelled pretty clearly: Calamine, Acqua Reggia, Cuprite, and Orpiment. Grab these four chemicals, get out of the Wine Cellar, and head to the Laboratory directly opposite, to create a strong acid with these four chemicals. Do not fail me! Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle

“Man, she IS a douche all right,” remarked Alberto.

“Let’s not waste time and find the chemicals fast!” ordered Shining Armour. “We’re running out of time!”

They found the first three chemicals easily, as well as a drawing by Michael Valdez that depicted a bipedal creature with khaki skin, a metal tunic, a rusty iron cleaver grafted in place of its left forearm, and a severely deformed face with only one eye and a vertical zip-like mouth lining the entire front. This drawing was captioned: BRUTE.

“Nice drawing,” said Alberto, gaping hard at it. “GROWWWRR!!” suddenly a clear growl was heard! And the silhouette of a Grunt was seen in the immediate vicinity!!

Alberto took out the sword he had found earlier in the Old Archives. “Excalibur, be my strength!” he ordered.

But the sword seemed unusually heavy. Also, a robotic neither-male-nor-female voice suddenly began speaking!! “This. Monster. Cannot. Hurt. You. Just. Leave. It. Alone. And. You’ll. Be. Fine,” it said.

“That’s the power of Excalibur,” said Shining Armour; “it knows when to attack and when not to.”

He was right; for just a second after the sword’s “voice” had been heard, the Grunt had all but vanished!

“There’s still one more chemical to find,” said Big McIntosh; “I think it must be — orpiment, was it?”

“Yeah, it was,” said Braeburn. “Let’s go find it first.”

Just beyond the area where the Grunt had been seen standing, they found the small jar of Orpiment, and put it along with those of Calamine, Cuprite, and Acqua Reggia. “Now to head up to the Laboratory!” said Alberto, triumphantly.

They headed back up the stairwell and were mortified to discover a lot more red organic matter in the entrance hall!! “Run straight and get into the lab NOW!” ordered Big McIntosh. And that’s what they did.

Meanwhile in the Grail Vault, Sean Brink and Dario Perez came up to Michael Valdez to inform him that they had to return home. “Our services are needed back home first thing tomorrow, Michael,” said Perez; “but we count on you to keep things safe here in our absence. We’ll FaceTime you from the Università di Canterlot.”

“Hope you guys enjoy yourselves,” said Valdez. “Rest assured I will be able to finish the prisoners off should they ever so much as dare to step near this particular vault. I have the very means here to blow this entire castle to pieces.”

“I don’t mind death,” said Cheese Sandwich; “especially if death brings about a greater good. Even if the Holy Grail has to go, at the very least, the prisoners won’t be able to get their hands and hooves on it.”

Suddenly, Satan appeared before them! “Sean, Dario, go to the airport NOW and catch the first plane back to Bolivia!” he ordered, before vanishing.

“Sorry; you heard that — no time to talk,” said Brink. “Farewell.”

“Auf wiedersehen,” said Michael.

“So it’s just the two of us,” said Cheese Sandwich, looking up at his master. “What do?”

“Believe me,” said Michael, “we have more than enough time and resources to fight the prisoners if they have indeed escaped. Here, take this AWPer Hand sniper rifle; for me, I’ll use my Air Strike heat-seeking bazooka. And in a worst-case scenario, we have this excellent-looking jihad bomb here, courtesy of Baba Mustafa of Egypt.”

Alberto and the twelve ponies certainly did not know about what was going on on that side, though they were already aware of three things: one, their objective was to retrieve the Holy Grail; two, the Holy Grail was definitely inside this very castle; and three, the route to the Holy Grail was well guarded by monsters of all kinds.

They were able to make the strong acid easily; and of course they knew what to do with it. The passage that led to the Refinery was barred by strong red organic matter, and this acid was what was needed to destroy the organic matter!

“Throw the jar on it!” ordered Big McIntosh.

“Jarate!” shouted Braeburn, hurling the jar of acid onto the organic matter. It was broken and a small passage was seen leading to the refinery door. The party of thirteen made their way into the refinery; which was dark and damp, and very very smelly. It resembled a long passageway lined by stone walls that contained a lot of mould.

“The wine they put here must be thousands of years old,” remarked Snips.

“Let’s just follow this passage,” said Alberto.

The passage led to a huge open space that contained several barrels. Immediately in front was another equally big open space — and inside it there was a Grunt walking to the side!!!

“Now!” whispered Shining Armour to Alberto.

“Excalibur, be my strength!” shouted Alberto. He raised the sword in his hand — this time it no longer felt heavy — and ran forward to the Grunt that was in the next open space. A couple of spars, and the Grunt lay dead on the ground. But Alberto still did not smile.

“Don’t rest on your laurels, amigos,” he said; “we still have to find the next parchment.”

This second open space was lined with three rooms. There were a couple of tinderboxes in all the rooms; and the third contained the parchment they were looking for.

“My sister may have more clues for us,” said Shining Armour, picking the parchment. He read it:

Go back to the middle room. There are boxes down in one corner that are blocking the way to a small needle-eye through which you can crawl to get to the next room. The solution in the next room should be pretty obvious, you won’t need a parchment there. Also, beware of monsters. I gave you Excalibur for a very good purpose. Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle

“Quick, back to the middle room!” said Alberto. He led the twelve ponies to the middle room again, where they pushed away the boxes, revealing a small “needle-eye” — a crawl-through passageway. One by one, the party crawled through to the next room, where there was a trapdoor that was apparently jammed up.

“And my stupid douche of a sister said that the solution here is ‘pretty obvious’ — yeah right!” murmured Shining Armour.

“Which it is,” said Snails. “Can you not see what the solution is? Snips and I already can.”

“Alberto, get a chair from the other end of this room and hurl it to that stick that’s jamming the rope of the trapdoor!” said Snips.

Alberto did so, and the trapdoor opened easily.

“Now down inside!” ordered Big McIntosh.

The entire party of thirteen carefully dropped into the trapdoor hole and walked down the passageway, where they saw another door labelled: CELLAR ARCHIVES.

“This must be it!” said Alberto. He opened the door and they all went through.

Suddenly! “GRRRR!” A growl was heard and the entire place began filling up with water, startling the entire party!!

“Caramba! What the fuck is this!!” cried Alberto…..