My Little Pony: Quest for the Holy Grail

"Get the fuck onto the boxes!" cried Shining Armour. "There's a water monster down there!”

He was right; there was a water monster chasing them, that was the only explanation for this room suddenly filling with water!!! They could see the ripples and the alligator-like head of the Kaernk that was coming after them!!

“It can’t get out of the water, so just stay on these boxes!” said Shining Armour. “We have to kill it somehow!”

“Excalibur, be my strength!” shouted Alberto, drawing the sword out again. The sword miraculously jumped out of his hand, flew over to the Kaernk, whacked it hard a few times, then returned to Alberto’s hand. “Kaernk. Is. Invulnerable,” it said. “I. Can. Help. You. Distract. It. Though.”

And with those words, Excalibur flew around whacking the Kaernk like it had never done before. Alberto was spellbound by the way it moved on its own.

"Alberto, we've gotta get out of here!" Dumbbell urged the venerable Bolivian knight. "It'll fly back to us the way a boomerang flies back to its thrower, so don't worry!"

"There's a crank here!" said Applejack. "I'll turn it! The sign says it's going to lead us to the next room!"

"Vamos ya!" shouted Alberto.

And so, hopping on the boxes in this room and being careful to not fall into the water, the old human and the twelve cute horses began making their way for the next room, which was separated by a drawn gate connected to that crank that AJ had turned.

“Saved!” gasped Alberto as he led the twelve furry horses through the hatch.

“GRRR!” Another growl was heard and ripples could be seen in the water again!!

“Caramba! Another Kaernk!” gasped Alberto. “Quick! Everypony onto the boxes at once!!”

This next room of the Cellar Archives was just as dark as the first; water was shallow but certainly just deep enough to submerge the Kaernk. There were also a few boxes scattered around and floating in the water, just good for the thirteen of them to keep out of the Kaernk’s way. On some of the boxes were a few pieces of roast beef that was way beyond expiry date. There was another hatch on the other end of this room, with a lever next to it, clearly for its opening or closing.

“Excalibur, be my strength!” shouted Alberto. But the sword grew heavy again as he drew it. “Create. A. Distraction,” it boomed. “Use. The. Rotten. Meat. And. Feed. The Kaernk. With. It.”

“Applejack, go and buck down the meat from those boxes that have it!” shouted Alberto. “Big McIntosh, help your sister! The rest of us, we’ll create a stepping stone platform with whatever boxes we have to reach that other door on the other end!”

The two big earth pony siblings went to take the rotten meat pieces and throw it to the Kaernk, successfully distracing it. When they were sure the Kaernk was very happily nomming away, they followed the other ponies and Alberto via the “stepping stones” of boxes through the hatch and the lever to another door labelled: ARCHIVE TUNNELS. The door, it seems, was locked.

“I’ll buck down the fucking door!” shouted Applejack. Turning around, she sauntered and gave the door a huge back-kick, destroying it successfully. “GRRR!” Another growl was heard!!

“Quick! Todos los ponis into the Archive Tunnels! RAPIDO POR LA VIDA!!!” yelled Alberto as he ran in through the Archive Tunnels door, with the twelve ponies right at his heels.

As they ran through the water-filled Archive Tunnels, suddenly from behind them there came a roaring series of explosions. “RAPIDO!!!” yelled Alberto, not bothering to look behind him lest he became a pillar of salt. “EVERYPONY STICK CLOSE!!!”

* * *

Meanwhile in the Grail Vault, Michael Valdez and Cheese Sandwich were getting ready; for they heard the explosions and knew what was going on.

“I set up those mines that would explode the minute anypony walks by it,” said Cheese Sandwich; “they currently line the Archive Tunnels and Prison Tunnels.”

“Very well done, now we know that they’re probably braving the two Kaernks down in the Cellar Archives,” said Valdez; “but do you realise that there’s something that you didn’t do yet?”

“Ahem… not that I recall?” wondered Cheese Sandwich.

“THE ORGANIC MATTER IN THE FUCKING INNER SANCTUM, STUPID!!!” bellowed Valdez. Cheese Sandwich, taken aback, ran to get the organic matter electric-eyes ready in the Inner Sanctum, immediately outside the Grail Vault — for the red organic matter was after all caused by electric eyes that would activate it the minute those electric eyes were stepped on.

“Der Teufel! At this rate we’re going, the prisoners will be on us in no time at all!” growled Valdez. “I’m seriously going to have a thing or two to say to Sean and Dario for deserting us like this — just when we needed their help the most!”

* * *

Sean Brink and Dario Perez, meanwhile, were on the Boeing 747 aeroplane headed back for La Paz via way of Siberia and over the Pacific Ocean. It was night already and most of the passengers on board this aeroplane were already asleep.

“It just occurred to me,” said Brink; “pardon my asking this, Dario, but you are aware that Alberto Garcia is your half-brother, are you not?”

“I most certainly am,” said Perez.

“You have no regrets that we’re going to do this to your half-brother together, do you?” said Brink, with an air of concern.

Perez gave Brink a long look in the eye. “Whether or not Garcia is my half-brother, or whole brother, or whatnot, is completely beside the point,” he growled. “He was the one who caused Papa’s death. He was the one who joined my father’s company and stole our pride and joy — our fandom of MLP — from us. He did not even spare us Huascar, our most talented artist and gamer. And who is he, at the heart of it all? A worthless racist, sexist, religionist, and pedophile, who is trying to pass off as a ‘brony’ for the ulterior motive of using equines for his harem. And all that just because he knows he can’t get away with any actual acts of homosexuality or pedophilia here. I tell you the truth, he deserves to get what he’s going to get!”

“Dario, I fully agree with you with regard to Garcia; however, it does not matter that we may have lost Huascar,” said Brink, assuring his long-time friend and associate; “for we have after all, a rising young star who has all that Huascar has — and more. Plus, he hates Garcia with a sizzling-hot hatred, and is all bent on having Garcia nailed by the judicial system as soon as possible. It was this same rising young star who recommended that we invite our Deputy Prime Minister cum Minister of Home Affairs, Señor Eduardo Linera Oscuro, as our guest of honour for L’Università di Canterlot.”

“Pray tell who your this rising young star may be, Sean,” said Perez, frowning.

Brink took a deep breath. “Giacomo Pier Luigi Cassozza joined us up a few weeks back,” he said. “He’s a young Argentinian from Rio de la Plata, and he is fully in the know as to what Garcia’s personality is like. When Jovento interviewed him, he replied that he is fully agreeable with our cause. He is our hope. And he says he’ll meet us tomorrow at the Università di Canterlot convention.”

“Si, si, very interesting, amigo mio. I’d love to meet this Cassozza friend of yours,” growled Perez, clearly unconvinced, as he lay his head back.

Suddenly the weather outside the aeroplane took a turn for the worse. Then there was an announcement over the loudspeakers: “Dear passengers, this is your captain speaking. We are running into unusually turbulent weather. Please remain calm and wait for our next instructions. Thank you."

“Caramba!” gasped Perez, jerked suddenly into full wakefulness.

“You heard the captain's announcement,” said Brink. “Just remain calm and wait till we hear him again."

But before Perez could reply, suddenly the lights in the aeroplane began blinking. This was a sign that the weather was really horrible. And not only that — the plane was starting to rock from side to side like the Titanic in the movie.

“Caramba!” cried Perez. “You ask us to remain calm in this situation?! No way Jose! Quick! Somepony sound the fucking alarm!”

For once, Sean Brink was taken in by Dario Perez’s apparent hysteria. As were all the other passengers, who had been shaken awake by the impact.

“Raise the alarm!” yelled Brink. “We’re in trouble!”

Indeed, that was when the captain’s next announcement finally came. “Dear passengers, this is the captain again. I am sorry to say that we have just encountered a major tornado halfway across the South Pacific. Please try to remain calm while I try to steer us through this. I apologise profusely for any inconvenience. Thank you.”

“We’ve got to get home!” yelled Brink, flailing his arms in midair, as were Perez and the others. “We want to go home! WE WANT TO GO HOME!!!…"

* * *

It took Alberto and the Twelve no more than fifteen minutes to successfully make that run through the Archive Tunnels into the Back Hall, the next area, a safe one. Nevertheless, those fifteen minutes certainly seemed years long.

“For once, I’m glad to be safe from that water monster!” gasped Shining Armour, the only adult unicorn present. “After this, it’s time to step up security in our Maximum Security Vault back home at Canterlot!”

“This place looks kind of grand,” said Big McIntosh, glancing around. “What with all the stylo-mylo stone walls, the corinthian columns, the esplanado-style fountain in the centre….”

“BOOM!” a banging sound was heard from the left. The party turned around and discovered that a door had apparently just opened on its own!

“Don’t worry, that’s just the wind,” said young Snails, using his horn to feel around. “I wonder what we’ll need to do now, though. There are so many hallways, I don’t know which one we should go through.”

“My sister will leave us a note soon enough,” said Shining Armour. And just as he spoke, the note floated down and landed right on Snips’s horn! Snips gave a loud neigh. “It’s here!” he said. “I’ll read it!” Taking it in his left forehoof, he read:

Congratulations, my friends; by the time you find this note, you should be in the Back Hall, safe from the water monster. The door to your left, the one that just blew open, leads to the Machine Room and the Elevator, which is supposed to be in the right direction where we’re headed for. The problem is, the Elevator is not working and the Machine Room is inaccessible. We'll need a few parts to make the Elevator work. Not to mention the Machine Room’s key.

The area has four doors. While still facing the fountain, to your left is the Elevator area. To the right is a door that leads down to the Storage. Behind you is another level of the area, reachable by stairs. Over there you should have the Guest Room and the Study.

I suggest you guys head to the Guest Room to get the Machine Room Key first, it’s there. Then you can explore around for the Elevator’s missing parts, which come in the form of a few rods randomly scattered here and there in the various rooms. My next clue will be after you guys have gotten through the elevator. Good luck!

Sincerely,

Twilight Sparkle

“Ebben, so we’ll have to head up to the Guest Room,” said Alberto. “No sweat — not for me at least.”

The Guest Room was certainly a big one all right; it was partitioned into three sections. The first and second sections had nothing of interest, but the third section happened to have a big portrait of Michael Valdez hanging on the wall.

“Something tells me,” said Shining Armour, his horn beginning to glow, “that what we’re looking for is in this room.”

ZAP! His horn zapped Valdez’s picture into pieces! Suddenly, out tumbled a bottle with a key inside it!

“I might have known it!” gasped Big McIntosh.

Suddenly…. “GROWRRRR!!!” An all-too-familiar sound was heard coming from outside!!

“Excalibur, be my strength!” yelled Alberto, drawing his sword. As the Grunt came bursting into the room, Alberto slew it by running it through its ass. The Grunt made a weird gurgling sound before falling motionless onto the floor.

“That was close!” gasped Applejack. “Now what?”

“There’s another room next door, is there not?” wondered Big McIntosh. “The Study, if I remember correctly. Let’s go in there and check if there be any Elevator parts therein.”

The Study was nothing more than a long corridor typical of middle-ages stately homes. Its very sight was already adequately breathtaking. There was only one room in this corridor — a room containing various knives and icky remains of what were once quadrupedal animals!!

“Caramba!” said Alberto.

“So THIS is what they wanted to do to us!” cried Rainbow Dash.

“Whoever did this certainly had evil intentions all right,” said Derpy, “and from what we’ve gathered so far, is this guy not some Michael?”

“The one who wrote that letter addressed to the Oscuro fella?” said Shining Armour, recalling the letter that everypony had seen earlier in the Archives.

“Any case,” said Alberto, “there’s something on the table. It looks like a piece of paper.”

“No, doesn’t sound like it’s my sister, she said her next clue would not be until we got past that lift,” murmured Shining Armour.

Alberto picked up the paper and read the writing on it:

DATE: March 1st, 2038

Lieber Sean,

Danke sehr, for allowing Cheese Sandwich and I to be a part of your brony society, Sparkle Enterprises de Bolivia. Rest assured we are more than happy to be among your sponsors for your first ever pony convention, Università di Canterlot.

We are extremely happy to offer you the following:

A special booth on socialism and Marxist teachings, to be run by a Minion

A copy of the “Libro piccolo rosso” by Juan Domingo Perón

Two of our servants who have perpetually rebelled against us, to be put up for show as entities of ridicule

A total of US$10,000 in cash as a tribute to your having helped us socialists preserve our culture and heritage even after the fall of the Berlin Wall

Please note that the two servants we are providing you, can be pretty rebellious. It is hence necessary to invite, as guest of honour for your event, your Deputy Prime Minister cum Home Affairs Minister Herr Eduardo Linera Oscuro, in order to be sure that there will be no untoward behaviour, especially from my boys. I will write Herr Oscuro a letter on your behalf to request his presence at your convention.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any further enquiries.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,

Michael J Valdez Ph.D.

“Caramba!” cried Alberto. “So THAT explains it! This Michael guy is in the biggest of cahoots together with the enemy! He IS one of the enemy himself too!”

“All the more should we find the Holy Grail!” said Big McIntosh. “Let’s go on down the study.”

The study corridor ended in a dead end with a few hard glass windows, one of which was a bit loose.

“Why not,” said Applejack, “I take care of this one!”

“Sure!” said Big McIntosh. “Just make sure you come back safely in one piece! I don’t want to be answerable for anything untoward that might otherwise happen!”

“Steady, AJ!” said Alberto.

Applejack gave the loose glass window a buck. It shattered into a thousand pieces. She stepped slowly out onto the window ledge.  There were at least another five window ledges there, leading to another open window. Below her was a huge ravine. Carefully crossing from ledge to ledge, she finally reached the open window, beyond which was another concealed room on the other end of the gigantic castle.

“This is our only clue,” said Applejack, as she stepped into this room via the open window.

This room was littered with debris of all kinds, as was the entire castle area that had been explored by our friends thus far. Light was generally dim, as always, apart from the open window. Applejack saw a note on the table, next to a weird metal rod. She read the note:

A curse be on anypony who steals this rod from this room. It was not easy confiscating all three rods and lugging them all the way here. M.V.

He’s making it too obvious, said Applejack to herself as she took the rod and note in her hoof and plodded out to the window ledge, and then carefully stepped across the six ledges back to the first window, gasping for breath.

“Cousin AJ! All right mate?” asked Braeburn, concerned.

“This rod is the only clue I found there,” panted Applejack. “Here, have a look at this note, I found it next to the rod.”

“I’ll read it,” said Big McIntosh. He took the note and read Michael’s words.

“Ah! Ah! Ah!” laughed Big McIntosh. “This Michael fella, whoever he may be, is making it so fucking obvious for us! Now we know there are three rods which we need to get in order to get the lift working!”

“And now,” announced Derpy, “one last place for us to explore — the Storage!”

The storage was perhaps the smelliest part of the back hall’s extensions. Stairs from the back hall led down to the hallway which led to this storage. The first area of the storage looked like an indoor barbecue pit that had clearly once been a place for heavy Vodka drinking, considering the stench of expired Vodka in the air and the broken bottles on the floor. There was a door to the left of the barbecue pit, as well as two internal hallways: one to the centre beyond the barbecue pit, and one to its right.

“Now, mateys, we have got to find them remaining two rods,” said Braeburn.

“But where do we start?” gasped Alberto.

Shining Armour’s horn suddenly began to glow. All eyes were on him.

“My sister is speaking now,” said Shining Armour, as he closed his eyes tightly. “She… says…. this storage… is to be searched…. in its entirety….. because …. there is …. not a single room…. in which there is nothing of interest….. so let us go…. now…..” and then his horn stopped glowing and his eyes opened again.

Everypony knew that when Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armour communicated telepathically, especially in situations like this one, it meant business.

“I think,” said young Snips, “we’ll start by searching the room to the left. If you’ll allow Snails and I to check it out.”

“OK,” said Alberto. “The rest of us, we’ll search the hallway to the right.”

Snips and Snails went into the room to the left. They found a most interesting note there, scribbled by Michael:

Juni 1, 2038 (Sonntag) / 12:00 Mittags / Regnen

Lieber Journal,

Griflet and Bedevere were sent to me by Boris on orders from Aeron. I did the necessaries on them, according to the degree of how they’d been affected by the shots from the gun that I’d given Aeron to use.

Schade, for unlike the other servants sent me before them to guard the Vault of Heaven, Griflet and Bedevere have proven to be a different story altogether. Today alone, their first day, the two boys just could not for once sit still; growling and flailing all over the place, they seemed like they were not happy to be here. For the record, Bedevere almost annihilated me with his left arm when Cheese Sandwich and I tried to feed him some Ritalin this afternoon.

I hope that the two dummkopfs will respond well to the new Medikation tomorrow morning. I have only just over two weeks to tame them before I can send them to Sean and Dario for the Università di Canterlot.

M.V.

“How would this be of any help to us?” wondered Snips. “We don’t really know who this Michael is…. and who for the record are Griflet and Bedevere — are they also ponies, like us?”

“He didn’t say specifically, so I guess we’ll have to assume that they’re bipeds,” said Snails. “But for now, let’s just press on. Remember: our goal is the Holy Grail.”

“GROWWWRRR!!” Suddenly, the all-too-familiar Servant Grunt growl was heard from outside! Snips and Snails trembled!!

“Oh God… I hope our friends are safe where they are,” gasped Snips.

“We’re not armed are we?” wondered Snails.

“Well, our horns?” countered Snips.

“Let’s go out and take him on then!” declared Snails.

The two unicorn colts made a brave attempt, but the Grunt was quite big and his very voice made them shudder and step back! “GROWWRRR!! There you are!” growled the Grunt, as he lunged forward and cornered the two Brazilian unicorn colts in a corner. He raised his left arm. Snips closed his eyes, thinking all was over….

“EURK!” The Grunt suddenly cried out in pain and fell onto the floor, as lifeless as ever. Snips opened his eyes, he saw that Snails was just as alive as he was, standing beside him — and the Grunt was dead, apparently killed by Excalibur, which had been used by Alberto, who had just stepped out of the opposite area in the Storage!!

“Just in time!” gasped Snips.

“Any news?” asked Shining Armour.

“Well, we found this in the room next door,” said Snails, showing the note scribbled by Michael to the bigger ponies and to Alberto. Alberto took a look at it and shook his head.

“This muchacho is really something,” sighed Alberto. “Ebben, only one more area to search — the middle passageway.”

“Don’t worry about the other rod, I got it here,” Big McIntosh reminded the others.

The middle passageway had two doors. The first door looked somewhat tempting, so much so that even young Snips was fascinated by it.

“I suggest we check inside here,” he said.

The minute he opened the door — “GROWWWRRR!!” A loud growl was heard!

“CARAMBA! Another Grunt! FUGGITE!!” yelled Alberto. Surprised by the Grunt, the party fled to the next room, which was located a short distance away and, thankfully, was safe.

It was in this small room that the remaining two rods were found. “So these are what they are,” said Applejack.

“GROWWWRR!” the sound came again!

“Caramba! That Grunt is still after us!” said Alberto. “I’ll go finish him off! The lot of you, stay here!”

“Noble Don Alberto, let me come at least!” begged Derpy.

“Talk to me if you want me dead!” shouted Alberto, rising to his feet and walking out of the door, with Excalibur in his hand.

He went out of the room to do battle with the Grunt. Derpy, Big McIntosh, and Applejack followed him close behind, even against his wishes; they were actually very concerned for their human friend.

A couple of blows lasted before Alberto finally ran Excalibur deep into the heart of the Grunt, killing it instantly. However, he did get some wounds from this fight.

“You OK? You see la, what you did to yourself!” cried Big McIntosh, nuzzling Alberto’s wounded right shoulder. “Trying to play the hero! Come, let me lick that for you!”

“We’ve already found both them rods,” said Alberto. “Let’s make for the Elevator Room now.”

The party of thirteen left the storage and went to the Elevator Room via the back hall, and opened the Machine Room with the key.

“This is easy,” said Alberto. “I guess this rod will go here — this one here — and this last one, over here.”

And it worked well, the elevator was running again!

“Bravo! Now let’s get inside that elevator once for all!” shouted Rainbow Dash.

The thirteen of them were just able to fit inside this big elevator, clearly meant for firefighter usage. It was an elevator that led to the basement of the Vaults of Heaven. Alberto pressed the button, the doors slammed shut, and the elevator went down.

Unfortunately, it crashed halfway, knocking the whole party unconscious for a few minutes….