Chapters Being Normal in Equestria
Once upon a time, there was a dude named Guy. He was pretty much your average dude. He had clothes, shoes, a regular day job working as a cashier at a pet care store. He even had average friends, the kinds of friends that occasionally drink a beer or two, but never enough to forget their nights or experience any kind of fun beyond the average melodramatic tones of the lives they lived. Guy was a cool guy. He never really had any notable issues to deal with. Everything was simply meh.
One day, it was particularly bright and sunny. Guy thought this was interesting, as he was used to the average gray clouds that would roll across the treetops day after day. The hair on his arms started to tingle. Guy started to wonder if anything strange was happening, but nothing he could imagine was anything beyond ordinary. After all, why should he expect anything more from a normal day where normal physics apply. Unfortunately for Guy, today was not that day.
The sidewalk under Guy’s feet began to tremble, as if it was slowly losing its solidity. The hair on his arms was on end, as if lightning was about to strike on this bright, sunny day. In fact, it was getting sunnier… colors were becoming stronger… next thing he knew, there was a loud snap, and his whole body felt as if it had been tugged violently into itself at the same exact time as expanding outwardly. He passed out.
Guy woke up to a thumping in his head and moaned. Everything felt… off. He gritted his teeth and noted that they felt strange, maybe stronger than before. Starting to move, Guy tried to move his fingers… except, where were his fingers? Guy’s eyes shot open to have his eyes dilate painfully in the bright sunlight above him. Looking frantically at his hands, he saw… hooves. Being the logical man that Guy was, Guy considered to himself what could have happened to him. The only explanation he could find is that perhaps he had always been a horse, and maybe he was just imagining his life as a human, since he was most definitely awake right now.
Guy finally looked away from his hooves to examine the environment he had found himself in. Sure, he didn’t remember anything about this place, but it could have been amnesia, so he just took it all in. Everything was bright and colorful, cartoonish even. Guy tried to stand up and wobbled on his hooves. Luckily, it seemed that all the muscles were working appropriately. He just had to get used to it for a little bit. Glancing to his left, Guy saw a dirt path leading somewhere into the distance, so he elected to awkwardly walk along it. Guy was determined to have a normal day.
Guy quickly found himself getting used to walking on his hooves. His body shape was clearly designed to make walking an easy task. As he walked, Guy had time to reflect on himself, wondering casually what kind of horse he was, and why he couldn’t remember anything significant about his horse life. It never really bothered him during his walk, though. It was just sort of a passive question. All in all, the day was rather nice. His hooves felt pretty good on the dirt road, and the sunlight warmed his mane comfortably. For a passing moment, Guy thought that perhaps this day was better than a normal day. Perhaps all days could be this way.
Looking around at the bright scenery, Guy remarked upon an amazingly fluffy-looking cloud. It drifted along the sky lazily with a slight breeze. A nice, pleasant, normal cloud. Suddenly, a streak of color streaked through the cloud and caused it to scatter and dissipate completely. Guy wasn’t completely sure what he was seeing, but he could have almost sworn it was an extremely large bird. That thought was dashed quite quickly when he got a better look at the creature that had destroyed the quiet cloud. A flying horse? It was yellow and had a blue mane that almost looked… styled? Guy was beginning to wonder if he would ever see normalcy again. Before he could really react to the Pegasus, it had taken off in another direction, probably to devastate more normal clouds, Guy thought to himself. Now that it was gone, though, Guy considered that perhaps the only thing to really do was to continue on his way.
Guy wondered how long he had been walking for, and he reflected on how he didn’t have his watch, phone, or even clothes. He tried to push those fantasies out of his mind though. Horses don’t need those, after all, and they probably never even existed if what he thought was his life was just a dream. These thoughts plagued Guy’s mind for what Guy assumed was close to an hour later, when he spotted what appeared to be a town in the distance. He considered for a moment that perhaps he would find people there who could treat him to a potential life of a normal horse, perhaps working a field or simply being ridden around by children or ranchers. Guy smiled at the thought of living a normal, horse life.
Being Normal in Equestria
As Guy approached the town, he got a clearer and clearer look at what was happening there, and he wasn’t completely sure what he was even seeing. It looked like a normal town, but the people bustling about were all medium-sized horses… ponies, he might even say. Some of them had accessories like bowties and earrings, and almost all had styled colorful hair in some way or another. This was nothing normal that Guy understood, but he was willing to accept it as his reality, since his memories were clearly faulty. As Guy stepped into the town’s limits, he started hearing what sounded like talking, but he knew for a fact that ponies simply could not talk, so he couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.
Suddenly, one of the ponies leapt comically in front of Guy with a huge grin on her face. Guy jumped a bit at how human her facial expression seemed, but he reminded himself once more that this was not the dream world he thought he understood. The brightly colored pink pony in front of him spoke in an excited, high-pitched voice,
“Hello there! I don’t think I’ve met you yet! My name’s Pinkie Pie, what’s yours?”
Guy was shocked, to say the least. So much so that he couldn’t move a muscle. The pony had just talked, with English… Guy hoped that all ponies didn’t sound quite so loud as this… Pinkie Pie. Guy stood there and stared at this pink pony, who continued grinning and staring as she waited for an answer.
“You don’t have to be shy. You must be new to Ponyville! Since you’re a unicorn, you probably came from Canterlot? Manehattan? Fillydelphia?”
Guy was having difficulty processing what was coming from this pink horse’s mouth. He was barely able to utter, “U-unicorn?” Strange. Guy found that his own voice sounded the same as he remembered it always sounding.
“Yes, silly! Can’t you see the horn on your own head?”
Guy threw a hoof to his forhead and found himself bumping into what felt like an extension of bone. It would appear he was, in fact, a unicorn. Finally, he was able to respond,
“Oh… sorry, I’m still getting used to things. I think I hit my head, and I can’t remember much.”
“That’s ok! If you remember your name, be sure to let me know! You’re invited to my next party at the Sugarcube Corner, Colt, the Unicorn!” She bounced away before Guy could utter,
“I’m Guy.”
This day was starting to overwhelm Guy. It was just too much abnormal. What even was normal anymore? What happened to his dream of serving customers in a line, going home and having a refrigerated beer while watching a quiet movie? Why was his dream so detailed? Guy just wanted to lay on the ground and cover his face, but he had no idea what to do. He started sweating, and his brow furrowed. Closing his eyes, Guy tried to bring himself back to his dream of normalcy. He wanted to go home to what he remembered. A tear started to form in his eye, and a warmth grew at the top of his forehead. Suddenly, he felt what seemed like a static shock all over his body, and the sun was no longer beating down on him. He didn’t open his eyes though, hoping beyond hope that he was home.
“It’s not very polite to teleport into somepony’s home without knocking, you know,” said a gentle, female voice. She said somepony…
Guy slowly opened his eyes and found that he was no longer on the street, but inside some kind of small library. The pony that spoke to him was purple with highlights in her mane, and she seemed to have both a horn and wings.
“Sorry… I didn’t mean to. It’s been a weird day,” Guy started.
“How do you accidentally use a teleport spell? That requires a great deal of focus and practice,” she looked at Guy quizzically.
“I, uh, I have no idea. This is all very new to me. I can’t remember anything before this morning.” Guy found himself feeling completely helpless with his situation, but this pony in front of him had kind eyes that seemed to show a genuine concern. She seemed to think for a moment and then her face lit up.
“I think I know someone who can help you. You should see my friend, Zecora. She lives in the Everfree forest in a hut. You can’t miss it if you follow the path.”
“What’s the Everfree forest?” Guy wasn’t feeling very confident about the idea of what sounded like a witchdoctor.
“I have to go, but I can make you a map if that helps.” The purple pony closed her eyes for a moment and her horn began to glow. Parchment and a quill floated in front of her and started drawing a simple map of the town with relation to the forest and Zecora’s help.
“I hope she can help. Sorry I can’t do more, but I really have to go. Oh, and my name’s Twilight Sparkle. What’s your name?” She floated the map towards Guy, and he tried to grab it with his hoof with no luck. He lifted both front hooves and attempted to grasp the paper in them awkwardly until he decided to simply put it in his mouth. He felt like he must have looked incredibly silly.\
“Guy Colt,” he said through the sides of his mouth. “Thanks a mn-unch” He figured Colt was a normal enough sounding name, and the pink one was already calling him that.
“No problem,” Twilight said as she waved, closed her eyes, and vanished in a flash of what looked like purple electricity.
Being Normal in Equestria
Guy turned toward the door to the library and pushed the heavy wood open with a hoof. As he walked outside he was greeted by the bustle of townsfolk again, seeing the pink one bouncing in the distance with a basket of what looked like cupcakes in her mouth. Guy tried tossing his head up slightly to see the map, but was finding that wasn’t working very well. He considered that perhaps he could levitate it like the purple pony… Sparkle… did. He closed his eyes and focused on the paper in his mouth. He felt a warmth at his horn, and suddenly the paper pulled itself out of his mouth. He opened his eyes wide as he saw it floating in front of him, and suddenly the green glow sputtered and stopped. He focused again and managed to maneuver the paper in front of his face, memorizing where the hut was. Just as he felt he would remember the route, the green glow faltered again, and a breeze snatched it away. Guy tried to grab it with his hooves, but it didn’t do him any good.
The walk through and out of the small town was fairly uneventful for Guy, for which he was extremely thankful. While he was still absorbing all the different colors and behaviors of the ponies around him, he was quickly accepting of it as being the new normal he would be experiencing here. Pegasus ponies apparently regularly maintained the state of the sky, as he noticed any bigger clouds would be broken up into smaller ones or removed entirely. He didn’t see many unicorn ponies, and so he worried that he might be slightly abnormal here, but the more he walked to the outskirts of the town, the more it was becoming clear that this was a more rural area. The ponies seemed to use a great deal of some form of technology, but outside the town he could see plenty of farmland and areas that looked to be very worked by labor.
Guy finally left the limits of the town and found himself quickly faced with what must have been the Everfree forest. It was surprisingly dark and foreboding. However, Guy was somewhat calmed by the more natural look of it. While he didn’t know what might live within, he was not put off by its appearance. He decided to go ahead and start into the shadow cast by the tall, wild trees.
It wasn’t long before Guy started to smell what seemed to be the product of a fireplace and herbs. A glow in the distance proved to be a hut of some kind, which Guy assumed to be the place he was looking for. He walked right up to it and gingerly knocked his hoof on the door. It opened after a moment and Guy was greeted by a zebra with golden rings on her neck and ears, and a gray and black mane in the style of a mohawk. She looked at him quizzically and asked,
“And what pony do I greet, just as I prepare to sit down to eat?”
“I’m sorry to bother you. I’m Guy Colt, and well, this pony, Twilight Sparkle, told me you might be able to help me,” Guy nervously rubbed his hoof on the ground a bit.
Zecora’s eyes suddenly brightened, “A friend of Twilight Sparkle is a pony I will help gladly. Please, come inside and tell me what ails you so badly.” She turned back inside and Guy followed.
“Well, I seem to be having trouble remembering anything before this morning. I keep remembering a world with people that walk on two legs, but I know that can’t be real, since I’m definitely a horse, or er- a pony.” Guy looked around and saw a myriad of spiritual-looking masks and an assortment of flasks and herbs.
“What I am hearing is strange indeed, but it sounds like a memory brew is what this pony may need. I am surprised as well, for Twilight Sparkle knows a memory spell.” Zecora pulled a couple of flasks down from her shelves and poured some into a bowl which she placed over a small fire.
“She does? Well, I suppose she was in too much a hurry. I was only able to speak with her for a short time.”
“I would not let it be of any worry, for this brew should reveal more of the story.” Zecora said, as she handed Guy the now steaming bowl.
Guy was worried that he might spill it if he tried to hold it with his hooves like Zecora was, so he closed his eyes briefly to focus on levitating the bowl. The bowl glowed green and Guy navigated it carefully to his lips, taking a long drink from it. It tasted like warm leaves and some kind of sweet juice. As Guy lowered the bowl, he was subjected to a strange feeling within himself. It started as a warmth, then a tingling, and then he felt himself falling backwards into a depth. He closed his eyes for a moment as he fell, and when he opened them, he was in a bright room with colors on the wall. They were very out of focus…
As everything began to clear, Guy found himself sitting in a desk, very human like he remembered. Except, something wasn’t right. Everything around him seemed bigger, and a very tall women approached him with a stack of paper in her hands.
“Guy, you need to put more effort into your work or you’ll never be anything more than average.” She placed a paper on Guy’s desk. It was a test on Geography with a large blue C stamped on the front. Guy wanted to say something, but suddenly found this place fading and himself falling again.
Guy now found himself in a clearing of grass. As it came more into focus, he looked around at how normal it all seemed. The sky had the constant gray overcast he was used to, and the trees were a nice dull green.
“Come on, you gotta live, Guy. You can’t just live a boring life with no excitement. Where’s your drive?” Guy could now see his old friend, Frank, sitting on a dirt bike. He remembered this day clearly, because this was the day that…
Frank put his helmet on and drove off the clearing and down a hill. He reached the bottom and then rode very quickly towards a smaller hill, which he proceeded to do a backflip over. When he landed, the bike twisted and lost control, sending his friend tumbling off. Guy remembered that Frank had broken an arm and a rib from this, and it solidified Guy’s desire to remain as normal as possible. Why risk so much? And then he fell backwards once more into darkness.
As Guy’s new location came into focus, he found himself outside on a bright, sunny day. He was on a sidewalk… this was this morning! Guy looked around to see if he could find anything he had missed, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary except for the sun. That bright, bright sun! Everything seemed clearer and more colorful. Guy watched himself as his body seemed to gather an electric charge, and then he was pulled with a snap as the world shifted and twisted around him. It was starting to make him dizzy as he experienced being pulled into this world, his body shifting and changing faster than he could feel it happening. He landed in the grass where he remembered waking up, and suddenly fell backwards into the darkness again…
Guy opened his eyes slowly. He felt stiff all over, and as he looked around he was still in Zecora’s hut. She was standing over a pot she was tending, and the stars outside her window indicated that Guy had been out for a good while.
“It is good to see you awake, for you were experiencing a great deal of shake,” she said as she added some herbs to whatever she was brewing.
“I don’t fully understand. Everything I saw was a memory of what seemed like another world. The world I remember growing up in. Except… there was the point this morning. I was walking, and everything got very bright and I ended up here as a pony.”
Zecora stirred her brew some, “I’m sorry I could not be of greater assistance, but your situation seems to involve you crossing a great distance. Of portals and magic I know much less, for it is expertise with potions and powders that I possess.”
“Any idea what I should do? I don’t know anyone except for you, Twilight, and Pinkie Pie.”
Zecora looked at Guy and stifled a giggle, “Surely anypony is what you intend. I am not surprised that you are not from this land. I suggest that you find a place to stay, and speaking with Mayor Mare might help you out in the day. For now you may stay with me, and in the morning you will see.”
“Thank you Zecora. I am pretty tired. It’s been a long day.” Guy said that, and just the thought of sleep made him drift away immediately. He dreamed of cupcakes…
Being Normal in Equestria
When Guy awoke, the sun was just beginning to rise. He was surprised at how fresh he was feeling that day. Looking around, he noticed that Zecora had gone. He figured he might as well follow her advice and return to Ponyville to talk to the mayor. If he was going to be stuck here, he might as well find a place to stay or a job of some kind. What kind of jobs do ponies even do? Guy got up on his hooves and made his way outside. As he exited the hut, he frustratingly grabbed the handle with his hooves and tried to close it, but the door kept being uncooperative. At that point, he remembered that he could levitate things with his horn, so he focused on the door and attempted to shut it, causing the hinges to creek as the whole door glowed green and flexed. Guy then decided to instead focus on just the handle and pulled the door shut carefully.
Sighing, Guy started to head back to Ponyville. Along his walk, the soothing rustling of the trees kept him company as he thought about the average things he would love to do. He imagined with a smile his time back in the human world, where he could spend hours of his day standing in his company-standard apron, enjoying the consistent beeping of the scanner machine as he passed items over it and rang up a customer’s total.
As Guy left the forest, the shift in brightness was significant. His eyes took a bit to adjust, but as they did, he found himself seeing Ponyville nearby once more, in all its colorful presence. It occurred to him as he approached the edge of the town that he didn’t know where he would find the mayor. Did Ponyville have a town hall? As he thought of it, he spied upon a three-story tower at the center of the town. It looked like a town hall if he had ever seen one. As he approached it, he was suddenly interrupted by the loud pink pony, Pinkie Pie.
“Hey there, Colt! I didn’t see you at my party last night, but that’s ok! I’m throwing another one tonight, so I hope I see you there!”
“Thanks, Pinkie. I’ll… definitely have to check it out.” Guy felt unsure about it, considering he wasn’t much for parties. He was much happier staying at home having a moderate amount of fun.
“Ok then, see ya!” Pinkie said as she bounced away with a cheerful smile on her face. Guy couldn’t help but smile just a bit in response to her unbridled joy. He quickly remembered his task though, as he had to find out what he was going to do in this town. After all, he was essentially homeless with no training in anything pony.
Stepping up to the doors of the tower-like building, he pushed open a door with his hoof and stepped inside. He was greeted by a fairly standard-looking main room with a secretary sitting behind a desk filled with papers and a lamp. The secretary looked up from her book through her half-moon glasses and said,
“Can I help you?”
“Um, yes, I was told I could speak with the mayor about finding a place to stay in Ponyville? I’m new here.” Guy really hoped that this was the proper way to do this.
“The mayor is currently seeing somepony, so if you would wait over there, you can see her soon.” The secretary pointed toward a cushioned couch on the wall and went back to reading her book.
Guy approached the couch and considered that he wasn’t completely sure how to sit on chairs here. He tried sitting like he was used to, with his legs hanging from the front, but he felt it compromised his modesty, so he switched to sitting more like a cat. That seemed to work for him. It was during this time that Guy really got a good look at himself. It occurred to him that he hadn’t even noted the color of his own mane. From what he could tell, he was a kind of light tan coat, and had a white mane with a gray stripe through it. The neutrality of the color made Guy happy.
After a while of waiting, a couple of ponies walked down from the spiral stairs leading upstairs and went out the front doors. Guy noticed for the first time that every pony seemed to have a different marking on their hind legs. These two had an open scroll and a set of three stars, respectively.
“Mayor Mare will see you now,” the secretary said as she went back to looking at her book.
“Thanks,” Guy said as he went up the stairs he saw the ponies come down from. As he reached the second floor, he saw an open set of doors to his left that seemed to lead to an office. Walking inside he was greeted by a pony behind a desk with a slightly darker coat than his own and a grayer mane. She had a pencil in her mouth as she worked on some sort of paperwork, and when she glanced up, she set down the pencil,
“Hello there, and what can I do for you?”
“Hi, I’m Guy Colt, and I’m new to Ponyville. I was told by Zecora that you might be able to help me find a place to live?” Guy fidgeted as he talked. He was so worried that there wouldn’t be anything.
“Zecora, huh? As a matter of fact, I was just talking yesterday with the owner of the Quills and Sofas shop. He’s looking for somepony to move into a spare room of his. Since he’s also looking for someone to work with him, and you look like a healthy young unicorn, you look like you could manage that. What do you say?” The mayor looked very happy to potentially have something on her list of things checked off.
“Oh, wow, absolutely,” Guy said, as he imagined the possibilities of living a normal life at a shop, selling quills and sofas!
“Excellent! Here, take this letter of recommendation and he’ll know I okayed it,” the mayor said as she used her mouth to write a note on a piece of paper. She handed it over with her hoof, and Guy used his horn to levitate it toward himself.
“Thanks a bunch!” Guy said enthusiastically, but the mayor was back to her work already.
Being Normal in Equestria
Guy turned and made his exit down the stairs and past the secretary, still deep in her book. She didn’t even glance up as he left. Once back outside in the sun, Guy kept his focus on levitating the note in front of him as he looked around for the Quills and Sofas shop. Lucky for Guy, it was very close with a nice big sign. Guy approached the shop, so thrilled to finally have something generic to do in Ponyville that he didn’t pay any special attention to all the technicolor ponies milling about.
Guy pushed the door open with his hoof and entered as the jingling of the store’s door bell went off above his head. Once inside, he spied a male pony with sleek brown hair standing behind the counter arranging varying types of quills in some sort of pattern. He looked up at the sound of the bell and said,
“Welcome to Quills and Sofas! Anything I can help you with today?”
Guy stepped up close to the counter, “I sure hope so. I was just at the mayor’s asking about work and the possibility of a spare room in Ponyville, I’m new to town you see, and she told me you had both!”
The pony’s eyes lit up, “Well that sure was quick! I take it that note there is for me?”
Guy nodded and levitated it to the counter, where the pony pulled it to himself with his hoof and read it carefully.
“Mhm, mhm, works for me! What’s your name, son?”
Guy perked up his ears and said, “Guy, Guy Colt.”
“Well, nice to meet you Mr. Colt. You can call me Davenport. It’ll be nice having a unicorn working with me to help with some of the lifting and repairs.”
“Nice to meet you too, Mr. Davenport.” Today was going about as perfect as Guy could have hoped.
Davenport stepped out from the counter,
“Suppose I should show you to where you’ll be staying. It’s right up these stairs.” He turned and began up some stairs with the implication that Guy would follow. Naturally, Guy did. He continued as they walked,
“It’s a small room, but I wasn’t using it for anything except storing some of the old sofas people trade me to get a discount on a new one. It hasn’t got any real furnishings other than that, but feel free to use them or scrap them. I usually send a few off by delivery Pegasus every couple weeks for recycling. Anyway, here it is.”
Davenport pushed open a door to a small room with a single window on the far wall. Lining the walls were six different types of old, worn-looking sofas. One appeared to have been crushed in some way and had some pieces of broken wood sticking out of it, one looked like a wild animal had torn away the cushion, and the rest just looked tattered and frayed. Guy felt a sense of comfort and calm wash over him as he let it soak in that this would be the space he would regularly find himself in.
“It’s perfect,” Guy said enthusiastically, walking into the room and pressing his hoof onto the various sofas. One had a decent enough cushion that Guy knew he would claim that one as his regular seat/bed.
“Great! Glad to hear it. Are you up to your first task as assistant salespony?”
“Yes, sir,” Guy said as he exited the room and used his magic to pull the handle shut.
“Excellent. As you can see, I wear a very special work uniform. I wasn’t expecting to have an assistant quite so soon, so I haven’t had one made yet. I’ll need you to make a visit to Rarity’s Boutique and have it commissioned.” With that, Davenport began back down the stairs. Guy followed.
As they reached the front counter again, Davenport pulled out a piece of paper from a drawer and put a pencil in his mouth, scrawling something onto it. He finished and handed it to Guy, who levitated it in front of himself.
“This is the order for Rarity. I just need you to deliver that to her and she should take care of the rest. Oh, and you’ll need a few bits for that.” Davenport pressed a button on the cash register at the end of the counter and removed some bits, put them in a small pouch, and set it on the counter in front of Guy.
“Have you got a saddlebag?” he asked as he looked at Guy’s empty back.
“Afraid not. None of my old stuff made the trip with me.” Guy thought back to all the time he spent picking out wonderfully bland clothing that would make sure to keep him as neutral and unnoticed as possible.
“Not to worry. I always keep an extra one lying around.” Davenport walked to a box in the corner behind the counter and rustled out a set of blue saddlebags, holding them by the middle strap with his mouth. He walked up to Guy and placed it on his back. They were pretty lightweight and it felt quite comfortable to Guy. It reminded him of wearing backpacks back in grade school.
“Alright, you should be all set,” Davenport said as he turned back to his quill arranging. “See you soon!”
Guy used his magic to open up his righthoof saddlebag and then focused on the paper and money pouch at the same time. He found that it was not much more complicated to move multiple items with his mind. He levitated them into the bag and then closed it.
“Thanks for everything!” Guy said as he exited the store and re-entered the sunlight. Now he just had to locate this Rarity pony.