The Elements of Misfortune

Ethelind was the last of the ponies to retrieve their stuff. When she entered the house, she got mixed reactions.

  "Oh hell no." Blaze muttered, crossing his arms.

  "Really? Of all things?" Sarcasm asked, holding the large gallon bag of Mary Jane close to his chest.

  "You brought weed. Why can't she bring a cat?" Trock asked.

  "Because weed's the only thing keeping me from committing genocide."

  A white winged cat was clutching onto Ethelind's back, it's wide green eyes staring around at the new surroundings.

  "I refuse to leave my cat behind." Ethelind stomped, clearly offended.

  "I left my dog behind. Well, not behind. I gave her to Thateus so he can watch her. I heard he likes pitbulls." Spade jutted in. She held the black box of cards close to her chest. The design was unknown but the others most likely guessed what it was.

  "Thateus? Ain't he the one from high school?" Hurricane asked. He brought his red and white headphones, which now lay around his neck.

  "Yeah. The fag." Spade answered, scratching at her bandages.

  "Of all words to use? Buy a dictionary." Ethelind snapped all of a sudden.

  "No, the fag. He sold Britmane cigarettes. His assmark is literally a tobacco plant." Spade explained with an edge to her voice. "Not everything is homophobic."

  "Especially not you." Trock snickered, barely audible. He brought a bag full of magazines. Everypony knew what the magazines were.

  "This is Princess." Ethelind announced, levitating the cat from her back to the ground.

  "How cliche." Hurricane commented.

  "Does she talk?" Trock asked.

  "If the cat talks, we're eating her for dinner." Blaze muttered darkly. He held an old aged champagne bottle.

  "Please don't." A little feminine voice piped up from the shivering creature, who scampered behind Ethelind's leg to hide.

  "Coltdammit." Blaze said, getting up from his spot. "Got any Buckweiser, Trock?"

  "I don't know if that's a good idea. You probably need to be sober for what's gonna go down tonight." Trock reminded.

  "Yeah. Kinda figured. Just wanted to loosen up if I have to share the same fucking room with five assholes and a talking cat." Blaze sighed and rubbed his head, cringing.

  "We used to own felines. Not particularly cats." Luna said, falling into memories of her past. She was the only one without possessions.

  "Not cats? What other feline would you own?" Spade asked.

  "Oh, dear one, the possibilities for royalty were nearly endless. Tia really hated animals, but I was always was one for the saber tooth."

  "You were fucking alive when saber tooths were?" Sarcasm asked disbelievingly.

  "You seem surprised." Luna replied.

  "So, is the cat fun? Or is she like..." Hurricane asked, making a sophisticated face.

  "Mistress Ethelind always taught that chivalry and respect always ends with success." The kitty puffed her chest out proudly as she recited the speech.

  "Oooh, Mistress..." Trock repeated, wiggling his eyebrows. "I wonder what else your 'mistress' has taught you."

  "If you're implying that Ethelind fucks her cat I will stab your throat with a fork while you sleep then piss on your body as you bleed out." Blaze snapped, smacking the back of Trock's head roughly.

  "Thank you, Blaze." Ethelind responded, looking equally disgusted.

  "Let's get the cat drunk!" Hurricane whooped, throwing his hooves in the air.

  "Uh..." Blaze and Spade said at the same time.

  "That's fucking retarded you asshole." Sarcasm voiced what everyone else was thinking, then, "let's do it!"

  "You are NOT intoxicating my cat!" Ethelind snapped and held the cat close to her chest.

  "What's that?" Princess mumbled around being smothered in Ethelind's arms.

  "Nothing you should know about, missy!" Ethelind lectured, grasping the cat closer.

  "Wait, she's that sheltered? Oh, man! This trip's gonna be fun to destroy her innocence!" Sarcasm cackled, rubbing his hooves together evilly.

  "Please don't..." Ethelind begged.

  "Depends on how drunk we get the cat." Hurricane snickered.

  "Hey, is it still a virgin?" Trock asked, making the cat's fur stand on end.

  "Dear Goddesses, yes!" Ethelind gasped, sounding offended. "Or at least I should hope so!"

  "Aw, sorry Princess. That sucks." Trock said sympathetically.

  The clock in Trock's kitchen rang, making the ponies jump in surprise, save for Trock.  Hurricane glanced over at the clock from behind the couch.

  "Six." He said.

  "We got thirty minutes. I suggest we place all our shit in a saddlebag so we don't have to worry about carrying it all the way to fucking Oatstralia." Sarcasm voiced his idea, grabbing the blue saddlebags from Trock's rack.

  "Who'll carry it, though? Has no wing holes so Sarcasm, me and Spade can't." Hurricane pointed out.

  "I will. Feed my sack." Trock grabbed the bags and opened them wide, trying to make the best bedroom face he could.

  "Uh, no." Blaze grabbed the bag and stuck his champagne in it. "I will."

  While the others placed their shit in the bag, Sarcasm stared at his marijuana.

  "You gonna do it?" Blaze asked impatiently, holding the bag open for him.

  "Will I get to smoke some on the way?" Sarcasm asked seriously.

  "Bitch if I get caught with your shit I'm going to prison and I ain't no mind reader so put it in the fucking bag!" Blaze's fragile patience snapped as he snatched the bag from Sarcasm and shoved it in the bag. He zipped it up and slung it over his back, fastening the straps over his belly.

  "Okay, Princess, this will only be for a little while. When we get the tickets I will let you out, but for now, be a good girl and remain in the bag." Ethelind murmured softly as she soothed the winged cat into the bag.

  "Okay, Mistress Ethelind. I will... obey..." the kitty sounded unsure of herself, but followed the order anyways.

  "I guess we should take the Elements with us just in case." Ethelind murmured, picking up her crown.

  "Are you crazy? They're the reason we're in this mess. I say leave them." Hurricane placed his neckplate on the coffee table stubbornly.

  "No, hear me out. Luna said they're a part of our souls, right?" Ethelind asked.

  "Affirmative." Luna confirmed.

  "That possibly means if we separate from them, we may lose a part of ourselves. Heck, maybe even death. There'd be only one way to confirm that, and I'm not sure I want to." Ethelind finished as she opened the saddlebag and placed the Element into it. No one seemed to object.

  "We aren't so sure about thy theory, yet it could be very truthful, we have yet to partake in such experiments." Luna said, a little ashamed.

  "Okay, but place them in the left bag. I left the right bag empty for the bits." Blaze commented, finishing with the buckles.

  "I guess we should start heading to the bastard's house before we run out of time." Hurricane said as he placed the other Elements in the bag.

  "This will be fun..." Spade smirked darkly, rubbing her hooves together evilly.

  ***

  The seven decided to loop around the backway, avoiding town center where most ponies are likely to be. They had to avoid confrontation, after all. Sunset set in around the time the ponies reached the alleyway on 3rd street, one neighborhood away from their destination.

  "I guess Celestia had to trouble with the sun. Sure seems like it." Hurricane commented as the sky turned a light orange.

  They reached the end of the alleyway, and while the other six hid behind a garbage bin, Trock stepped to the side of the brick wall, peering out the side for any ponies.

  "All good!" He whispered and beckoned the others over with his hoof.

  "Keeping Luna hidden's probably gonna be the hardest part here. We need that disguise as soon as possible." Ethelind calculated.

  The seven began to trot around the corner when a loud, high-pitched, feminine and teeth-grating voice squealed from around the corner, "Troooooooooooock!"

  Trock whipped around happily as he heard the voice, "Pipsqueak!"

  A small, petite pink earth pony mare ran to Trock, and he embraced her close to him. She looked to be around the other's ages, but a smaller version.

  When they embraced each other, Trock leaned forward and planted a kiss on her lips.

  "Holy fucking shit he wasn't lying." Sarcasm stated exactly what everyone else was thinking. Except for Ethelind, who looked more disgusted with the sudden public display of affection.

  "How does that get a mare and I'm still single?" Sarcasm motioned angrily at Trock, who was adjusting his fez from the sudden affectionate attack.

  "Yeah, we've been at it for a year." Trock informed a little smugly.

  "Yeah, I don't want to know. You guys can reminisce all you want, but we only have about five hours before we leave Equestria forever. Can we please get a move on?" Spade huffed impatiently, stomping her hoof.

  "Wait, what's she talking about, babe?" Pipsqueak asked, concerned and confused.

"Uh, well, you see, babe... I uh..." Trock stuttered nervously, loosening his hug and breaking eye contact with Pipsqueak.

  "Okay, Trock, while you sit here explaining the situation with her, we're gonna go get started. Meet us up when you stop being a faggot." Sarcasm pranced away, intent on finishing the plan.

  "Kinda hard when I'm dating something with a vagina!" Trock shouted defensively at the running pegasus.

  "Who do you think you are! Leaving me like this! Are you CHEATING on me?!"

  The other five raced after Sarcasm, trying to ignore the audible smack Trock received.

  "I think they're a cute couple."  Hurricane quipped to Spade, who rolled her eyes.

  ***

  They only stopped running when they reached the last alleyway between the stretch to their destination.

  "Okay, I see the mansion. The fence looks pretty short, so we'll have no problem clearing it to the backyard. Once in the back, Hurricane and Sarcasm will wait there until Blaze unlocks the door for us. Me and Ethelind-"

  "Ethelind and I..." Ethelind corrected irritably, interrupting Spade.

  "-will bust into the vault. Ethelind will take the money to you guys waiting outside and I'll wreck the place." Spade whispered, finishing.

  "How much do you plan to take?" Hurricane asked.

  "Hell, might as well go nuts. Free money? And no consequences? I just hit the motherload. Taking as much as fits in the fucking bag." Spade smiled slyly, anxiety lighting up her gaze.

  "Hell yeah!" Sarcasm whooped and high-fived Spade, while Blaze sighed angrily.

  "Can't believe I have to carry your shit." He muttered.

  "Don't bitch at Ethelind for not doing anything and then complain about your job in this. If we go down, you're coming with us." Spade snapped suddenly, shooting Blaze a nasty look.

  "Let's do this."  Hurricane whooped, then raced from their hiding place, running to the wall.

  "No, wait, you idiot! There can be witnesses!" Spade whispered furiously at the red pegasus.

  Hurricane didn't make it 20 feet to the brick wall before tripping over the concrete curb, falling face-first into the pavement on the sidewalk.

  Spade and Ethelind both face-hoofed hard, Spade sighing heavily as Sarcasm lost his shit, laughing and snorting at the fallen pony.

  "Yeah, that'll happen if you be a dipshit." Spade mocked as she approached Hurricane, checking for any bypassers.

  Hurricane pulled his face from the pavement, blood dripping down.

  "Aw, fuck." He cursed and sat up. His muzzle was covered in blood as tears oozed from his eyes, which both looked bruised. One tooth was missing from his mouth.

  "You should probably wait this out." Blaze suggested, walking up as Hurricane rubbed his head, pulling his hoof away to reveal blood.

  "Okay." Hurricane said, dazed and confused as he limped and staggered to a vine wall, backing up against it and sliding down, covered by the shade. He dropped his head and watched as blood ran down his face.

  "Anyways." Spade said as she walked over to their destination, finally.

  "Help me over." Blaze demanded. Sarcasm dropped to his knees and held his hooves out, cupped, offering a step for the earth pony.

  Blaze hopped up and Sarcasm boosted him, the brown pony dropping down on the other side. He tapped the wall twice with his hoof, indicating he got down.

  "I'll stay with fuckboy. Make sure he doesn't get robbed or raped." Sarcasm said as he pulled out a joint from Celestia knows where and stuck it in his mouth.

  "Have fun with that." Spade said as she spread her wings and easily glided to the other side of the wall.

  Ethelind took one last look back at Hurricane. "Try to stop the bleeding."

  "Psh, with what?" Sarcasm snorted. "I don't got jack shit on me."

  "Just-ugh! You ponies are so...." Ethelind grit her teeth at Sarcasm before teleporting to the other side of the wall.

  "Just fucking cuss already! It's not like you have anyone who would care anyways!" Sarcasm shouted. "Fucking eggheads."

  ***

  "Alright, go right in there and open the door." Spade directed, motioning towards the lock inside the house.

  Blaze dropped down and wriggle through the doggy door, grunting as his hips got stuck.

  "Almost there." Spade murmured, her face smushed against the window.

  "I can't fucking move!" Blaze grunted, wiggling and moving around angrily, trying to dislodge his lower body from the door.

  "Geez, you'd think you're a mare with hips like those!" Spade teased, trying not to laugh at a brown, grumpy earth pony who was stuck in a doggy door.

  "Shut the fuck up and help me!" Blaze shrieked.

  "I can't do shit. Ethelind?" Spade asked. "You're being useless over there. Help us out."

  "'Us?'" Ethelind questioned as she used her magic to grasp hold of Blaze, yanking and pulling at him.

  "Ow, fucking stop! Ow!" Blaze yelled, struggling even harder against the door.

  "Can you at least unlock the door?" Ethelind asked as she released her magic on Blaze.

  "Hold on." Blaze puffed as he reached up with his hoof, flicking the door unlocked with a click.

  "Sweet, thanks." Spade said as she walked over and swung the door open, Blaze still stuck in the doggy door.

  "Wait, you can't leave me here!" Blaze shouted, pawing uselessly at the air, trying to grab either Spade or Ethelind as they walked by.

  "Sorry, bro. We'll be back." Spade shrugged as she walked away, trying not to smirk as Blaze hurled cruel insults at Spade that made Ethelind blush as she walked by.

  "This is probably the worst idea any of us could've had." Ethelind whimpered.