The Elements of Misfortune

"So, here's the plan," Ethelind spoke as the other six watched quietly, serious for once. "We take a trip to the hospital, but only have a two day minimum of hospital stay."

  "Easy for you to say. Me and fuckboy over there broke our ribs all up and that shit takes at least a month to heal. Maybe a LOT more." Spade muttered.

  "I'm fine, though?" Hurricane reassured, looking confused.

  "She was talking about me, fuckboy." Sarcasm snapped, wincing slightly in pain.

  "Well now you know why I'm confused." Hurricane retorted, crossing his arms.

  "Not to mention that Sarcasm totally wasn't transformed into a completely different species or anything." Trock pointed out. "We need some serious magical wisdom shit if we're gonna know what to do with him."

  "Well, there's that bitch Twilight that lives in the Golden Oaks. She can probably give some wisdom." Sarcasm pointed out.

  "Not a good idea. They're probably still salty we pissed on their heroic plans." Hurricane mumbled back as the waitress brought a fourth pitcher.

"Yeah, not to mention we have Luna, who isn't exactly known well around this town." Blaze added.

  "We can all stay hidden. Live together for a while. Maybe camp in the woods. Because if the ruler of our nation sends out some wanted posters of us, these ponies will do anything to get on the princess's good side.

  "Living separately would probably increase our chances of getting caught, and maybe even executed, considering how powerful these are-" Trock said as he removed the Element from his neck and set it on the table. "-and how we technically stole them."

  "Where would we go, though?" Ethelind asked.

  "Well, we can run."

  The table grew quiet as Hurricane spoke up.

  "What?" He asked the shocked ponies.

  "You're asking us to run from everything we know? Just to... just to run away like we don't have anything to do with this town?" Spade asked seriously for once.

  "Look, I know it sounds bad, but we have no idea what the princess is planning. For all we know, she can give no fucks and hope we're the salvation for her crumbling nation. But that's highly unlikely.

  Not to mention that Luna isn't exactly known well. Ponies have already seen us with her, and I'm pretty sure she's wanted for terrorism. I wouldn't be surprised if they chase after us.

  "Running is probably our best option. Celestia's a very powerful alicorn. I don't know why she spared us when the magic she possesses is enough to wipe out an entire nation. If she decides to make a move and attempt to prostitute us, we're done for." Hurricane explained.

  "Prosecute, Hurricane. Prosecute." Ethelind corrected the red pegasus.

  "Whatever. You get my point." Hurricane grumbled.

  "I'm guessing you've never been prosecuted before, eh? Considering how you confused it with prostitution..." Spade teased as if getting thrown in the slammer adds status.

  "No. I have not. Nor do I wish to be. Come on, guys, this is serious. I haven't been to jail and neither do I plan on it. Which is another good reason for us to leave. Just need a place to go..." Hurricane rubbed his chin, looking deep in thought.

  "I don't know about that. Living with you assholes doesn't seem like a very good idea. Not to mention I have a home here. A life." Blaze spoke up, looking unsure of himself. "Just not really up for much adventure."

  "Actually, Hurricane might be right for once." Sarcasm interrupted. "I know we need a place to rest and heal, and if the princess is as pissed as you guys think she is, then I have no hopes of returning to a unicorn. I need a place to heal and learn how to fly, hell, even get my new cutie mark without having to worry about meeting with the princess, Twilight Shitstain, and all her other cronies.

  "Not to mention Luna needs to recuperate and learn how to live in the modern world. She still refers to herself as 'we' and tends to be louder than needed."

  "That's actually a good reason. I have family in Germaney and-"

  "No." Spade snapped suddenly. "We're not going to Germaney"

  "What, why not?" Ethelind asked, taken aback. "What, with the war going on, we won't be noticed. Ponies would be way too busy trying to figure out strategies for winning the fight they won't notice seven different refugees. And with the right disguise, they won't even notice an alicorn."

  "We. Are. Not. Going. To. Mother. Fucking. Germaney. Are you fucking deaf or just plain stupid to my language?" Spade sneered at Ethelind impatiently.

  "Why not?" Trock spoke up. "I'm Germane and I think we should go."

  "I'm not going. End of discussion. Add more to it and I'm gonna punch you in the fucking throat." Spade sat back and cringed as she hit the back cushion a little too roughly.

  "Okay. Not Germaney. Not Germaney." Trock muttered a little disappointedly.

  "Okay, where though?" Hurricane asked.

  "Ah couldn't help but overhear y'all's conversation, an' Ah think Ah might be a good help. I gat a bud in Oatstralia who might be able to help." The waitress said as she walked up with the fifth pitcher, the other four completely drained. "Not ta mention y'all look like ye can use a good hospital. Oatstralia's got the best 'round."

  "Yeah, but how the hell would we get there?" Sarcasm asked as he already poured a fourth of the pitcher in his mug.

  "The Underwater Trail." The mare said as she levitated over the bill for their order.

  "The what-now?" Hurricane asked.

  "The Underwater Trail. It's a trail that unicorns created undaneath the Atlanticolt and the Indimane oceans for immigrants and getaways to safely reach Oatstralia." The mare said as she levitated seven cleaner mugs over and clearing the rest away.

  "And why are you telling us this? What do you owe us?" Sarcasm said before Trock nudged him with his elbow.

  "Actually, I work for the tunnel. I'm trying to keep it funded secretly. Not even Celestia knows it exists." The mare explained, losing her accent. "All you gotta do to pass through it is give a contribution to the tunnel to keep it running. It's a good 2,000 mile stretch, so it can't be nothing too... little."

  "So like, what? Food? Oil? Money? Beer?" Spade asked as she shuffled the cards.

  "Anything. You can pay five hundred bits a pony for a carriage to take you over. Pegasi fly it so the trip will be a hell of a lot faster than walking. The tunnel is large enough , about the size of a small city.

  "There's plenty of room for you to sleep; no pony will bother you. But thousands of refugees will be walking as well, so a carriage is a good idea." The mare explained.

  "Five hundred bits a pony? Shit, I barely got enough to pay my rent of four hundred a month!" Sarcasm protested.

  "Well, we need medical help, and I'm pretty sure no one wants to help us out in this town. I'm certain that they even fear us. It's a good solution." Ethelind said, sounding unsure of herself.

  "I really don't want to be stuck with you guys for months, though." Blaze muttered.

  "Will you get off your fucking high horse for a second and realize how fucking dire this is?" Spade snapped suddenly, ignoring the pain in her chest. "We're fucking wanted-"

  "You don't fucking know that!" Blaze screamed at the pegasus, turning a few heads.

  "Yes, I fucking do! I saw the fucking posters around town! Word gets around fast when there are motherfucking TERRORISTS living right around the fuckdamn corner from you! Ponies want us dead! And all you fucking care about it being forced to live with the ponies who actually gave a shit about you!" Spade yelled back, shoving Blaze.

  "You fucking cunt why didn't you say anything about the posters!" Blaze snapped back as he returned the shove, a little harsher than hers.

  "Because I wanted to discuss it with you motherfuckers!" Spade flashed back as she shoved a hoof in Blaze's stomach.

  "Guys, stop!" Ethelind shouted, but was ignored as Blaze punched Spade's ribs, who let out a stream of curses before raising a hoof to give Blaze a nasty blow, tears streaming from her eyes.

  "Okay, that's enough!" Sarcasm shouted as he leaned over the table and socked Blaze right in the center of his eyes.

  Before Spade could even snicker, Sarcasm turned and delivered the blow into her temple with the same force.

  Both fell, unconscious, smack right down onto the table.

  "Blaze!" Luna gasped as she hugged the unconscious pony in her grip, shaking him slightly. "Art thou okay??"

  "Sarcasm!" Trock shouted pulling him back.

  "Why did you do that?!"

  "He actually did a good favor..." Hurricane pointed out, backing up his buddy.

  "Okay....okay..." Ethelind repeated to herself as she rubbed her eyes, looking slightly pained.

  "They're both gonna be pissed when they wake up..." Hurricane pointed out as well.

  "Um..." the waitress said as she rubbed the back of her head awkwardly.

  "We're gonna travel on the path, please." Trock said, deciding for the group as he removed his fez and rubbed through his mane.

  "Very well. Meet me behind town hall tonite at midnight. Bring the supplies you plan to trade for the tickets" the mare said as she turned and sauntered away, levitating fourteen empty mugs and five drained pitchers behind her.

  They weren't even drunk yet.

  ***

  "Ow, my fucking head...." Spade whimpered as she clutched her temple, blinking her blurred eyes around. She was laying down on a white couch, the whole furniture to herself.

  All seven were sitting in Trock's house, sitting on the couches in his living room. Ethelind and Trock sat on his white leather loveseat while Luna and Blaze laid on a matching futon, Blaze still unconscious.

  Sarcasm sat on the floor next to the futon, resting his arm on the couch with a Camel Light smoking from his mouth, his black mane still hanging over his eyes.

  Hurricane laid splayed on the rug under the coffee table, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought.

  "Welcome back." Sarcasm said as he tried to remove the cigarette from his mouth with levitation, then sighed and removed it with his hoof, blowing out the smoke.

  "Fucking wonderful to be back." Spade groaned and rolled over. "Where are we at?"

  "Trock's apartment. We came to think of an idea to get 3,500 bits and something to trade for tickets. We waited until you woke up because we wanted another idea. Ethelind said wait and get jobs to earn the money, but that takes too damn long.

  Sarcasm said to try the lottery, but the chances are so slim of winning I wanted to vomit. Trock said-"

  "Why can't we just steal it?" Spade suggested, interrupting Hurricane.

  Hurricane opened his mouth to say something against the idea, but shut it when he thought about it.

  "That can actually work." Sarcasm commented.

  "No. No way. We aren't stealing 3,500 bits from anyone." Ethelind said, crossing her arms.

  "Why not?" Hurricane asked. Luna remained silent.

  "Because it's illegal." Ethelind pointed out.

  "Aw, you're no fun." Trock teased as he poked her cheek.

  "We're already wanted. Plus, once we cross foreign waters, they can't really do anything to us. We'll be Oatstralia's problem, and they have no proof we stole a thing." Spade replied, rolling over onto her back. "Hey, you got a first aid kit?"

  "I told you guys that she'd want to do something illegal." Ethelind snorted as she levitated a kit to Spade.

  "It's not bad a plan. That rich bastard that lives right around my corner left on vacation. Only pony home is his housekeeper, Consuela, and I ain't even sure she speaks Equine.  Probably only Mexicolt in that establishment." Spade said as she wrapped her chest in flimsy gauze, setting the bones with a grimace.

  "Let me see that when you're done. Stupid bitch broke a couple of my ribs." Sarcasm clenched his teeth as he rubbed the broken part in his chest.

  "How do you even know all this stuff?" Hurricane asked Spade.

  "I've been scoping his house for ages. Hell, I've wanted to teach that bastard a lesson for years now. He's always waving his bits in my face. Robbing him senseless sounds pretty damn good right now. He's got a doggie door out in his backdoor." Spade explained.

  "That's what she said." Trock smirked before Ethelind flicked him with magic.

  "When Blaze wakes up, he can crawl through since he's the shortest here. He will unlock the door and I can show Ethelind the vault in his basement. You can use your freaky advanced magic shit to unlock the vault. When we get the bits, we'll get extra and give them to someone waiting so Hurricane, Trock, and Sarcasm, maybe Luna if she wants-"

  "We would like to help." Luna replied solemnly.

  "-can go and get a disguise for Luna and buy some oil and food to trade. While you guys are doing that, me and Ethelind-

  "Ethelind and I..." Ethelind corrected silently.

  "-will wreck the place so it seems like a robbery. Plus I really wanna wreck his place." Spade said.

  "That's actually... a good idea." Hurricane commented. "Only loophole is when do we do it? Sounds like a lot of work with only the time we have until midnight."

  "The mare said midnight, and sun-down's at six considering we haven't had the equinox yet. Six-thirty is our best time. Gives us about five hours to get this done, so we'll need to move quick."

  "I'm glad we waited for her to wake up." Sarcasm smirked and took one last drag on his smoke before extinguishing it on his right wingtip. He grimaced a little.

  "The fuck was that for?" Hurricane asked the new pegasus.

  "Just wanted to know how they actually feel. It's not everyday you get wings. They're so... bizarre." Sarcasm murmured, wiping the ash off.

  "Wait until the wingboners." Spade commented, laying on her back as she pushed the box towards him.

  "So I need to worry about two? Are you fucking kidding me?!" Sarcasm asked sharply, looking ticked.

  "Welcome to my world." Spade murmured as she mashed her head into the couch cushion.

  "And mine." Hurricane added, raising his hoof.

  "I'm just gonna point out that I never agreed to do the vault thing. I don't even know if I want to take part in your little plans." Ethelind muttered, crossing her arms again.

  "You shittin' me?" Spade asked as she lifted her head and looked at Ethelind. "We're over here working our asses off on a solution while you sit around doing nothing and now you won't even open a simple fucking vault?"

  "It's illegal, Spade. I'm not gonna argue with you on this. I refuse to help in this way. Either find another plan or just don't do." Ethelind said stubbornly.

  "Ethelind, please don't do this. We can-"

  "Fine." Blaze said suddenly, coldly, interrupting Trock, as he slowly opened his eyes to fix Ethelind with a fierce red gaze.

  "You don't want to fucking help? Fine. Sit on your ass and wait for Celestia to cut your fucking head off for all I care. Just remember that when we leave, we aren't coming back. You'll be DEAD to us. I don't know why it'll be a mistake. You just weigh us down, to be honest. Now you finally have a chance to redeem yourself. To make yourself worthy to be in our group. Now you refuse to do the simplest task out of all of us because it's 'illegal'? What are you, fucking brain dead?

  "Spade was right when she said you haven't done shit for us. We're in this together, and most of this is your fault considering you made us go into the Everfree. Hell, ALL of it is your fault. So you know what? You're going to open the fucking vault and we're gonna leave this country and go to a place where you stop being such a stuck-up prick. Understand?"

  Ethelind held his gaze a bit longer before breaking it and staring at the ground. "Understand." She muttered quietly.

  "Welcome back, Blaze." Hurricane muttered. "You missed the plan."

  "Nah, I was awake the whole time. Just waitin' to see if y'all are talkin' shit. By the way, I'm not THAT short you assholes.

  "How's thy forehead?" Luna asked Blaze.

  "How come I didn't get any condolences?!" Spade asked sharply.

  "The ponder was for both." Luna replied calmly.

  "Okay, we have three hours until six. I suggest we each go home one by one to get stuff you may want to keep." Ethelind pointed out, pushing herself off the couch.

  "I'll go first." Sarcasm said as he got up, and before anyone can argue, he walked out the front door.

  "Well there goes my plans." Ethelind muttered as she sat back down.