The Elements of Misfortune

  Ethelind led the way through the dark forest, lighting up a trail with her magic. She pranced along, whistling to herself.

  Hurricane flew up next to her, hovering at her side. "And what makes you so cheerful?" He asked.

  "What isn't making me cheerful?" Ethelind answered Hurricane's question with another.

  "Gee," Spade snorted as she trotted up next to Ethelind. "Some equine threatens anarchy, the world may end, we're stuck in a forest because of you, and Trock hasn't stopped complaining ever since we entered the forest. So you need to be more specific."

  "My hooves are cold!" Came Trock's voice from behind the three.

  "Suck it up." Blaze snapped.

  "That's.... What he said." Sarcasm interjected.

  Spade rolled her eyes as an audible smack came from behind them.

  "I guess I'm cheerful because I got you to follow~" Ethelind sing songed before dancing away smugly.

  "Whatever." Spade growled.

  "Someone's grumpy." Hurricane poked at Spade.

  "And someone's a faggot." She snapped back, kicking water from a dirty puddle at Hurricane.

   "Agh!" Hurricane spat in disgust, landing and shaking himself free of water. "What the fuck, Spade?"

  Spade smiled smugly and whipped the bottom of his chin with her tail before prancing off after Ethelind.

  Hurricane muttered under his breath as he followed, dropping down next to Blaze.

  "This night is lasting way longer than I wanted." Blaze commented, his head lowered in disdain.

  "We just gotta find the thing-a-ma-jig and this night will be over." Sarcasm replied, levitating over a few stones to throw them around.

  Suddenly, the ground shook and a chilling roar filled the air.

  "Oh, great, now what?" Trock whined.

  Spade and Ethelind came racing back, eyes wide and fur bristled.

  "We fucked up! We fucked up! Oh how we fucked up!" Spade kept repeating as they ran.

  "What, what is it?" Sarcasm asked when they arrived.

  "Wild things... Book... Butt-plugs... Nightmares..." Ethelind spluttered, out of breath.

  Sarcasm grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her, "Use your words, woman!"

  "Manticore!" Ethelind yelled as a large creature emerged from within the trees.

  It had the body of a lion, but the long, stinging tail of a scorpion. Two long fangs hung from its mouth as it roared.

  "Whelp, we're fucked." Blaze said.

  "Well, wait a minute, maybe it's-"

  "Kill it!" Trock screamed like a filly before grasping a strong branch in his jaws and ran after it.

  The beast swung its tail around, smacking Trock and making him fly back.

  "Trock used stupidity. It's not very effective." Hurricane muttered.

  Meanwhile, whilst Trock distracted the beast, Spade managed to creep up behind it, a rock on her back, secured with her wings.

  The manticore approached Trock, its teeth showing violently.

  Spade pushed the rock off of her back and lugged it into the air.

  The manticore raised its claws in a death strike, snarling in excitement as Trock cowered before it.

  Spade dropped the rock onto the beasts head, and it fell like a sack of potatoes.

  "Well, you four are as useless as Sarcasm." Spade commented.

  "Let's go!" Ethelind commanded before racing off deeper into the forest.

  "How did y'all find that thing?" Hurricane asked Spade as they followed.

  Spade rolled her eyes and sighed. "Ethelind found a hollow in the tree roots of a dying oak. She saw the lump of fur, and started freaking out, thinking cannibals live in this forest.

  "So I poked at it to get her to shut the fuck up, trying to prove it was still alive. Why I poked at it of all things? The world may never know."

  "Yo, man, these are some freaky ass looking trees." Sarcasm commented as they walked through a clearing of dead oaks.

   "Probably 'cause of the faces?" Blaze murmured softly back, as if trying not to disturb the trees.

  Sure enough, each tree held a freaky looking face, with splintered teeth and angry eyes.

  Ethelind was walking back to the group, her fur ruffled up. "I don't like the looks of these trees." She whispered to no one in particular.

  The trees seemed to crowd the path slowly, soon making it impossible to.continue.

  "That's when you..." Blaze said as he trotted up to one. "...buck its fucking face around."

  He reared around and smashed his back hooves into the tree, cracking the splintered teeth and disfiguring the face.

  "Well, shit." Sarcasm said as he tried, doing the exact same thing.

  Soon Spade and Hurricane followed with enthusiasm.

  "I ain't doing that shit." Trock said as he and Ethelind watched the four kick away like morons. "Y'know you can just clear 'em with your magic, right?"

  "I know, but this is more fun." Ethelind smiled as they watched the show.

***

  Soon, while tired and exhausted, the four stopped bucking and stared menacingly at the trees.

  "You motherfuckers." Hurricane growled at them.

  "Okay, guys, it's been really fun, but we're wasting moonlight." Ethelind rubbed her hooves together and smiled as she started up her magic.

  Blaze, Hurricane, Sarcasm, and Spade all watched with awe and anger as Ethelind easily cleared the trees away.

  "Coltdammit, you can do this the whole time?!" Blaze shouted at her. "You're more of an asshole than Spade!"

  "Woah, not possible." Spade spoke up. "But I did teach her everything she knows."

  "Can we go?" Trock gestured at the now cleared trail. "We are wasting a lot of time."

  "Whatever." Blaze muttered as he stomped away, taking the lead and insulting Ethelind under his breath.

  Soon, they arrived at a choppy river. The water flowed different directions, creating an undertow. Stepping stones were nowhere in sight.

  "Whelp, later losers." Hurricane said as he took flight and began to make is way across.

  A purple reptilian tail of some sorts whacked at Hurricane, throwing him back roughly to the shore. No one bothered to help him.

  "I know you're my friend and all, but I wanted to see you fail." Sarcasm said down to a dazed Hurricane.

  "The fuck is that?" Trock asked as he pointed to a large thing in the center of the river. It had purple reptilian scales and a thick, golden mustache.

  "A sea monster, Trock." Ethelind replied, staring up at the tall beast.

  Half of its mustache was missing, which might've explained why it was in distress.

  "Oh, and who are you?" He said in a really fabulous sounding voice.

  "Dayum, this bitch's got more class than Trock, and he has a tie." Spade commented.

  "We are just a mere six ponies, looking for the so called Nightmare Moon, the one who left a trail over your river." Ethelind said humbly up to it.

  "Oh, that's the thing that sliced my beautiful 'stache!!" the monster cried in distress as the water turned more choppier.

  "C'mere." Sarcasm called to it, waving it down. "C'mere."

  The monster leaned down, still sniveling, and listen in as Sarcasm whispered, "Suck it up."

  Suddenly, out of nowhere, Sarcasm shot out with strong levitation, smashing the monster's head to the ground and holding it there firmly.

  "Go now!" Sarcasm yelled through teeth gritted in effort.

  The five raced onto the neck of the monster, using it's body as a bridge.

  It struggled to escape Sarcasm's grip, which was failing.

  The five finally made it to the other side when Sarcasm's magic snapped and he fell backwards.

  The sea monster roared at him, raising his claws to smash him into a pulp.

  Sarcasm braced himself, too tired to move.

  Ethelind, using her very advanced magic, wrapped Sarcasm around with a magical aura, and teleported him over to where they were standing.

  "Oh damn, teleportation makes me sick." Sarcasm said heavily, on the verge of vomiting.

  They galloped away, Ethelind still levitating Sarcasm, while the monster's claws slamming down on empty ground.

  They reached the safe canopy of trees, and settled down to rest for a while.

  Sarcasm puked, tears streaming from his eyes as Ethelind put him down.

  "Just let this night be over already!" Sarcasm wailed miserably.

  They have no idea...