The Elements of Misfortune

"So, what exactly are the Elements?" Spade asked, fiddling with her own golden collar.

  For once, Ethelind looked as if she had no solution. "I have no clue." She whispered, "but I have a feeling it's not for us."

  "The sun's rising!" Hurricane pointed out, motioning towards the dusty, cracked window. The sun was rising over the mountains, casting Equestria in a shimmering yellow glow.

  "But I thought Celestia could only raise the sun," Ethelind mused aloud, one hoof under her chin as she watched the sunrise intensely. "If she's not here, then who is-"

  Ethelind was quickly cut off as the sun rays exploded a bright yellow light through the cracked window Hurricane pointed out of earlier.

  Trock shielded his eyes, and watched as the light bent through lidded eyes.

  "It's Celestia!" he shouted over to the others.

  The light cleared, leaving the princess standing in all of her glory, her hair drifting in rainbow colors everywhere.

  "Congratulations Twilight Sparkle!" boomed the princess, staring down at Ethelind with brilliant violet eyes.

  The white unicorn shrunk beneath the princess shyly, her ears presses firmly against her head. "Wh-what?" She stuttered.

  "Wait a minute..." Princess Celestia said, taking a closer look by picking Ethelind up with her levitation, examining her all around.

  "You're not my student!" The princess gasped as she dropped Ethelind, the white unicorn landing on top of Spade.

  "Fuckdammit!" Spade snapped, brought to the ground by the sudden surprise. "Get off!"

  "Where's Twilight Sparkle!" Princess Celestia picked up the nearest of the ponies, which was Blaze, and shook him fiercely.

  "Get your fucking levitation off of me!" Blaze yelled in the Princess's face as she brought him nose to nose with her.

  Blaze raised his hoof and struck her, making her drop him in surprise.

  "That's it!" Celestia yelled as she cast a spell over Blaze. Seconds later, the angry earth pony vanished.

  "Blaze!" The remaining five yelled.

  "Where is Blaze!?" Hurricane yelled accusingly at Celestia.

  "I sent that nuisance to the moon!" Celestia said primly.

  "Well, bring him back!" Sarcasm yelled at her.

  "Are you sure we want him back though?" Spade asked them.

  "Spade!" Ethelind snapped. "Of course we want him back!"

  "Well, I mean-"

  "Spade!!" All four yelled at her.

  "What makes you think I'll bring him back anyways?" Celestia asked the ponies.

  "He's still wearing that Element." Ethelind pointed out smugly.

  Princess Celestia opened her mouth to say something, then shut it ruefully, charging up her magic while muttering under her breath.

  Blaze popped back into the room, landing on top of Spade.

  "Fucking why!?" Spade shouted, shoving him off of her.

  Blaze just tumbled off, his eyes wide and distant, fur ruffled. "So cold... so cold..." he whispered, hugging hinself.

  "Who's Twilight Sparkle anyways?" Trock asked, ignoring the traumatized Blaze.

  "I am." Came a defiant voice from the other side of the room.

  They all turned to see a purple unicorn with darker purple eyes and a straight purple mane with a light line going through it.

  Sarcasm's face lighted up in slight delight whilst Twilight's face crinkled in immediate disappointment as they both saw each other.

  "You?!" They both said in perfect unison, though one was slightly more disappointed than the other.

   "Sarcasm, you know her?" Ethelind asked.

Sarcasm nodded, "Yeah, she sat next to me at the celebration."

  "I'm surprised you remembered that, considering you being such a drunk and everything." Twilight retorted, obviously showing her disdain for Sarcasm.

  Five different ponies walked up behind Twilight, scowling at the six.

  "Twilight!" Celestia gasped with relief as she flew over to the purple unicorn and embracing her in a hug.

  "My teacher, I'm afraid the Elements have been stolen." Twilight said obviously.

  "I'm just glad you're alright!" Celestia murmured to Twilight.

  "Ha, gay!" Trock yelled through cupped hooves. Since Blaze was out of it, Sarcasm smacked Trock's head for him.

  "Hey, Hurricane." Spade beckoned the red pegasus over.

  "Is that who I think it is?" She whispered to Hurricane as he arrived. Spade motioned over to a yellow pegasus who hid behind Twilight's group shyly, her long pink mane covering her blue eyes.

  "Duuuuude, I think it's that pussy from flight school!" Hurricane whispered to Spade.

  "Those Elements are not meant for ponies like you!" Twilight snapped, marching over and poking Ethelind harshly in the chest.

  "You're acting like we wanted to find them in the first place!" Ethelind retorted, using her levitation to shove Twilight back. "If we could give them back, we would!"

  "Well then, hand them over!" Twilight demanded, holding her hoof over expectantly.

  "So demanding." Trock whimpered sarcastically like a mare with hardcore hormones as he picked at the clasp that strapped the necklace on.

  "It's impossible." Murmured a quiet voice from the far side of the room.

  It came from the alicorn that once was the fearless Nightmare Moon, now she was just as young looking as a filly.

  "Luna!" Celestia cried, flying over and hugging the recently forgotten monster.

  "Wait, can someone tell us what the fuck is going on?" Blaze snapped, his moon daze forgotten. "What are the elements, who's this bitch," he pointed at Twilight, "and who the fuck is Luna?!"

  The blue alicorn looked up at Celestia, as if expecting her not to take that kind of shit from Blaze.

  Much to her surprise, the princess sighed and spoke up, "The Elements of Harmony are special gems that can recreate the power of an alicorn ten-fold. That female dog you referred to is my Student Twilight Sparkle." The purple unicorn beamed with pride as Celestia continued, "I knew Nightmare Moon was returning tonite, so I set up a secret task for Twilight, one she didn't even suspect. Nightmare Moon was... is... my sister Princess Luna."

  "Oh, so you're like, an incestial couple." Trock jutted in.

  "What in fuck's name- wait, is that even a word?" Spade began, and ended up asking the closest pony next to her, which was Sarcasm.

  He shrugged for a second, "I honestly have no clue."

  They all looked at the Walking Dictionary.

  "I honestly don't want to even think about what it would mean if it was a real word. So no, I'm not going to look it up." Ethelind responded, shrugging.

  Celestia stared for a second, slight disgust printed in her expression.

  She cleared her throat, "Um, no. I do not romanticize my sister."

  "Wait, so does this mean I fail?" Twilight asks, looking horribly worried, wearing the same expression Ethelind uses when she miscalculates the total of her grocery bill by a quarter without a calculator.

  "Not unless you can recover the Elements for you and your-eh... group of friends."

  "Art thou deaf? We just said it's impossible." Luna spoke up sharply. "Thy Elements have already imprinted on thou five fools! Once thy gem takes shape as thy marks of talent, thy Elements remain with thou pony 'till death do thy apart."

  "So does this mean I fail?" Twilight whimpered.

  "Glad to see she has her priorities straight." Spade whispered to Hurricane.