The Elements of Misfortune

  "What do you mean they've 'imprinted' on us?" Ethelind stepped forward, confronting a pissed-off-looking Luna.

  "Look at thy gem that lays adorned to thou neck pieces. Thy elements have connected to thou hearts, forming into the art of thy talent." Luna replied slowly as if Ethelind only understood her if she talked like so.

  "They do what now? All I heard was fancy B.C.E. shit only the Britmane speak." Sarcasm butted in obnoxiously.

  "She means the elements themselves, which are the gems, have imprinted on your hearts, connecting themselves straight to your soul. They show that by forming into your art of talent, also known as your cutie mark." Princess Celestia explained just as slowly as her sister earlier.

  "Sweet now I got a gem booty mark-"

  "Cutie mark." Ethelind corrected Sarcasm.

  "Whatever." Sarcasm rolled his eyes.

  "Wait so you're telling me the fate and power of Equestria lies in the hooves of six ponies that probably don't know their asses from a hole in the ground?" One of Twilight Sparkle's group, a cyan blue pegasus with striking ruby eyes and a bright rainbow mane, asked as she hovered in the air.

  "Rainbow Dash how rude of you to say that!" A white unicorn with dark blue eyes and a curled purple mane scolded Rainbow Dash like a filly. She actually had an accent, making it sound like, 'Rainbow Dawsh how rewd of you to say thawt!'

  "Well Ah don't know about you, Rarity, but Ah kinda 'ave ta agree." An orange earth pony with emerald eyes and a Stetson perched atop her blonde pony-tailed (how ironic) mane spoke up next to her.

  "Well seems like one pony in this group has sense." Rainbow Dash stuck her tongue out at Rarity and nodded towards the earth pony. "Thank you, Applejack."

  "Actually, I find it quite rude of you to say that about us." Spade finally spoke up, tired of their insults. "As for you, Rainbow Bitch, you should know about my education, considering you were in the same flight class as Hurricane and I."

  "The fuck you doin' don't bring me into this!" Hurricane whispered fiercely. Spade paid no attention to him, all her fucks long gone.

  "What did you just call me?" Rainbow Dash straightened her flying stance, flying low and coming nose to nose with Spade.

  "Are you fucking deaf?" Spade asked with a cold edge to her voice.

  "Do you think we should do something?" Ethelind asked Trock.

  Trock just shook his head and smiled, "l'd rather enjoy the show. Two mares fighting each other? This might just end up as hot gay sex."

  "Okay I'm gonna stop them." Ethelind sighed, disgusted with Trock's philosophy.

   "Okay hold on guys." Twilight got in between Spade and Rainbow Dash, shoving them both gently away from each other.

  "Get your motherfucking AIDs ridden hoof off my chest!" Spade snapped and slapped Twilight's hoof away.

  "Hey!" Rainbow Dash shouted down at Spade from where she was flying, "You don't get to talk to my friends like that!"

  "Fuck you in the ass with a spiky cactus shoved up your bleeding cu-" Spade never got to finished as Rainbow Dash bolted down from her spot and tackled Spade right on, a loud crack echoing through the air.

  Spade lay winded as Rainbow Dash held her down with one hoof, raising the other to strike the brown pegasus.

  Hurricane tackled Rainbow off of Spade, obviously excited for a fight. What masochist wouldn't want the chance to get the shit beat out of them?

  It was on now.

  "Hey git off'a Rainbow!" Applejack curdled in her thick accent as she raced towards the wresting pair.

  "Aw hell no!" Trock yelled as he raced towards the orange pony, intercepting her in a tackle before she could reach Rainbow Dash and Hurricane.

  One thing Trock didn't know was Applejack was a farm pony.

  She was also an applebucker. Trock would've laughed at the phrase before he got bucked straight in the stomach with two powerful hindlegs.

  The blow knocked his fez off, the cone shaped hat crushed underneath Applejack as she approached him.

  Ethelind was at Spade's side, trying to mend the broken ribs in the pegasus's chest when a massive rock landed on Spade's forearm, barely missing Ethelind.

  Spade lurched upwards with a scream, "What the cocksucking fuck is up with fucking shit landing on me today?!"

  "That's what she-oof!" Was all Trock got out before Applejack punched him in the stomach.

  Meanwhile Rainbow Dash and Hurricane were locked in a fist fight, the red pegasus enjoying himself. Rainbow Dash popped Hurricane right in his left eye, knocking away a red contact lense, revealing an emerald green eye underneath.

  "Oh baby do that again!" Hurricane laughed lustfully, Rainbow's fist hovering behind her as she hesitated in disgusted confusion.

  Too late, she realized, as Sarcasm tackled her from behind, pinning the screeching pegasus down with one forearm pinned behind her back. He struggled to hold her down, but after his four years of highschool hoofball, he managed to control it.

  He was then shot with a magical aura from behind, knocking him off of the cursing cyan pegasus.

  "What the hell? I feel funny." Sarcasm mumbled as he sat on the ground, looking nauseous. Rainbow Dash reared up with a buck, an evil glint in her eyes and a wicked smile printed on her face.

  Hurricane pushed her over before she could unload the kick and stomped her in the stomach, the air getting knocked from her instantly.

  "Nobody fucks with my buddies!" He shouted into her face, a sadistic smile lighting up his face.

  Meanwhile Sarcasm sat, confused, something not right. Like he was missing something. He tried to pinpoint where the blast came from.

  He looked at Twilight, who was locked in a magical combat with Ethelind after dropping a boulder on Spade.

  Not her? Then who...

  "I'm terribly sorry, but I must take the side of my pupil." He heard an evil but all so familiar voice sound in his ear.

  Oh my dear Goddess it felt like he was high on marijuana. Only not as pleasant.

  Everything felt... lighter. He stared down at his hooves. Funny, he always remembered them as red. Why were they white as snow?

  Sarcasm could hardly think with all the black hair flowing into his face. Wait, black hair?

  He always thought he had blond hair. He giggled at his thinking. Oh man did being this high feel good. He should ask Ethelind to learn whatever spell this was so he could feel like this without the risk of illegal possession of weed.

  He rubbed his black mane and felt it smooth over his head. He could've sworn there was a horn there. Oh well, he must've been pretty high. He stretched his sore wings out for a second and- wait, wings? Since when did he have wings?

  Whatever affect the spell had on him began to wear off as he immediately realized what was happening.

  He stood up and screamed as loud as he could.

  "Enjoy your new body!" Celestia's voice laughed into his ear as he panicked, trying to piece together what the fuck just happened.