Deus Ex: Cosplay Revolution

Waity wait wait.

Fuck. BOOOOORRRREEEDDD. Duvet wasn't up, and I wasn't sleeping, and goddammit where was that doctor? Swear to fucking christ if his name is some pun on "Who" but with ponies I was gonna get right up and file a complaint.

And then footsteps. I was hearing a lot of those lately. Barely even five minutes after that nurse left.

Then they got louder and hot-damn why can't I just have some more hashbrowns. Motherfuckin' hashbrowns. Those were fucking delicious. Man if this nurse was bringing me some more hashbrowns. But wait... no, that wasn't right. Nurse said the doctor was coming to run some tests or something on me...

Waitaminute, was this that hot chick's sister? Maybe, maybe not. I'd have to wait.

And I didn't have to wait too long. I heard the sound of someone being pushed aside, some shit clattering, and then holy shit who was this chick? All, like, dark-blue coat, light-blue... hairy/maney thingy, opposite-colors of the chick from before's outfit, and dem curves. Maybe they got some sort of Ebony and Ivory thing going on. Oh christ it'd be hilarious to see if one of them got discriminated against, they'd just be like "is it because I'm black?" if it was the black one, or "is it because I'm white?" for the whitey. Goddamn, that'd be a hilarious dynamic if they were actually related, but I couldn't see it happening. Apart from the... waitaminute.

"Are you that white chick's sister?" I asked, stupid for not realizing it before. I mean, hey, anything is possible, and the white lady said she would have a sister arriving soon. "The uh... the one that kinda looks like you but taller. And white."

"Yes, we are. Would it be that you are Darrell Mays?"

I nodded. "I am. Whatcha here for?"

She seemed miffed, for some reason. "No particular reason, though mostly because our sister let us know of the... act almost committed in our castle, and that we wished to visit the hero.."

Oooohhh. Fuck, gonna have to walk on eggshells with this one. "Yeah, I was there. Stopped the psychopath who was doing it from... doing it. Am I getting an award for that? Or at least an honorable mention in the papers. You want the full story, you take to Duvet over there. He was the one who it... happened, to."

"Yes, we already talked to him about that. He said it was something dealing with a, how should we say it, 'conspiracy'. Did he tell you anything about it?"

Ah shit. AH SHIT! "Conspiracy? Yeah, I heard it from the guy himself. Couldn't get much out of him, though. You wanna talk to him, you just wait till he wakes up."

"And what shall we do until then?"

I shrugged, hard as it was to do that with a dislocated shoulder. "You got a lighter?"

Apparently Equestria is ruled by four princesses. Nevermind the fact that they don't have a king or a queen, and the parliament is more or less not there, but four princesses? Seems a bit overkill in the estrogen department, that being my opinion, but whatever. The one I'd talked to earlier was Celestia, and this one was Luna. Said there were others named "Sparkle" and "Cadence", but who those were I'd not know.

Eh, I'd learn later. Right now, I was having a friendly game of chess with my current-favorite Princess, largely due to the fact that she managed to light the cigarretes and actually played chess. And man, she was good at it. I mean, I wasn't the very best, like no one ever was, but I at least knew how to get my head around the game. Meant I could completely and utterly stomp Waldo at it, because he preferred Checkers, but hot damn I wish I practiced more.

Luna? Man, I was actually having a fun time playing chess. Mostly because of the conversation.

"You know what word rhymes with through?"

"No. And what would this word be?"

"Two, to, or too. But not cough, rough, and though, despite them all having the same ending. Language is funny, innit?"

"Now that you mention it, yes, we- I find it funny." She captured a pawn. Man, I was on a losing streak. A really, really bad losing streak. "Are you trying to distract us?"

"Possibly. It's worked before," I said, moving a baron to pin her king in check. A little grin appeared on my face, right before I realized that fuck if she moved that knight over... "I gotta question to ask."

"And what is this question?"

Shit shit shit needed a question! "...Where are my clothes?"

"As far as ou- my sister has told us, they have been taken to be cleaned of blood. Am I to assume it was a glorious fight, or no?"

I shrugged. "Knocked her around a few times. She blasted me against a wall. I got up, dodged a sword, broke her arm, then she played dirty and cut Duvet."

"Odd," was all Luna said. "Perhaps we should make this a game in its own? You ask us a question, we answer, and w- I ask you?"

Almost shrugged once more, but I just nodded. "Sure. Why not? You go first."

She moved that fucking knight. Blocked my baron, and now she could move the king relatively-freely. Fuck, if only I had a rook somewhere! "How does one become so... disfigured, as yourself?"

"I got a condition. Makes my hair fall off, makes me look ugly, y'know, stuff like that. Gotta wear thick clothes all the time, and a mask, because far as I know ponies here freak out a bit." Thank you dear Jesus for my stupid brain picking stupid stuff up out of the stupid babble that Waldo spits out. There was an episode where the moral was 'don't judge a book by its cover', and I think the townsfolk freaked the fuck out because a black chick moved into the neighborhood. "Honestly, I'm just like you. Uglier, though."

"Really?"

I caught myself before replying. "That's a question. My turn." Then I cracked my knuckles, moved a rook into some place that hopefully would get her king stuck, and thought up a question. "Can I get my stuff back?"

"Only after you're declared fit to leave, though I believe my sister wishes to show you some "items" that her student found." She hummed. 'Now, tell us, how does a male have... those?"

She pointed to the... oh. Fuck, didn't account for those. Fuck fuck fuck gotta bluff this one. "Think it's a mixup with the chromosomes. I got titties, it's not a problem. You gonna ask another question?"

The stare she gave me almost, almost looked like it could kill. Probably could, because God-Princess of Ponykind right there, y'know. They got powers, and shit. "Yes, in fact. What else do you have?"

Sweat beaded on my forehead. I swear if this turned into a porno... "I can grow some pretty cool stubble in less than a week. What can you do?" Whew, good aversion right there.

"I can lower the moon."

Almost scoffed, but then the one or two episodes Waldo forced me to watch reminded me of the fact that magical horses, fuck logic. I didn't bother questioning it. Life was weird enough as it was for me.

Duvet started shifting. Looked like he was waking up, finally.

Soon as that guy's eyes creaked open, I grinned, waved, and pointed to the guest currently sitting on the stool.

And the second he got a glimpse of the princess, I could almost see him realize that he was laying down in front of one of the rulers of the land.

All I did was hand him a cigarette, which he gladly accepted. "Hey, Luna, you mind lighting that for him? Think he needs it."