Deus Ex: Cosplay Revolution

You know what I'm good at?

I'm good at being pissed off. That's what I'm good at. I'm really, really good at being angry. Coulda gone as the INCREDIBLE HULK, or an ANGRY MARINE, because that's my secret. I'm always angry.

So I was PRETTY FUCKIN' ANGRY when I woke up in the middle of a grassy field. PRETTY FUCKIN' ANGRY at whoever ran into Waldo, by proxy WHOEVER FUCKIN' RAN INTO ME! Fucker probably doesn't know how to use toilet paper, considering his shitty manners and convention etiquette. You don't fucking run at a con! That's the catalyst for knocking people over.

I wasn't screaming though. Screaming didn't solve anything.

With a pop in my back like I'd been laying there for a couple hours, I stood up, whipped out my phone, and checked to see if I had service.

Nope. Not a single bar. I put it on Airplane Mode and turn off the wi-fi to save battery, just in case I find civilization. Then I toss it in a waterproof baggy with my wallet, putting that in a tiny bag I got strapped to the small of my back, just between the body armor and trench coat. Looked a bit odd, but if anything it'd be safer than in my pockets.

The baton and rifle were nearby. I snagged the baton, collapsed it, and put it in my pocket. If anything it'd be good for poking things. The rifle I'd borrowed had a convenient break down function, letting me separate it into a couple parts. Unfortunately, it must've gotten cracked between my fall and my waking up, so I settled for stuffing it in a tree and taking the flashlight off of it. That was the only part that still worked, and I stuck it in my pocket.

And with that, I started looking around. Seemed I was in a clearing. The trees at one end had a fence separating them from me, and when I looked closer there were little red and yellow apples hanging off the limbs. Seemed a bit too uniform for my tastes, a bit too bright, but it was the middle of summer so what was I expecting.

Heh, that'd make a great DLC for Human Revolution. What Was I Expecting Edition DLC. Told you're gonna wake up in a clearing. And you do. Then the DLC ends and you've wasted six dollars. Perfect cash grab. I should be on the marketing team for every company, ever.

Anyhow, I started walking towards the trees. If anything, whoever owned them wouldn't mind if I had a little snack to preserve my bioelectic tanks, in the terms of our dear augmented friend JC Denton. Who I was cosplaying as, if you forgot.

It's a second before I realize that a trenchcoat doesn't lend itself towards climbing all that well, unlike the movies would like you to think. I toss it off anyway, clamber up the branches, and snatch a couple Red Orbs of +1 Tastiness in my hands.

Why can't I hold all these apples, I think, six of them clutched to my chest. Either way, I drop down and put all of them in the Pockets of +1 Space offered by my Rockin' Cool Trench Coat. Then I slip it back on, mindful of the weights swinging by my sides, and keep on walking.

Huh.

Back at the con, I was sweating like a pig underneath the sweater and coat. Here, it looked and felt like summer, but all I could feel was a cool breeze.

Odd, now that I noticed it. Seemed a lot of things were bright. The trees, bright. The grass, bright. Even the clouds looked more like cotton balls than clouds. Sky seemed too blue, the dirt too clean, and everything just gave off that vibe of... I guess cartoonishness, more than anything else. Except for me, of course. Half expected there to be outlines, how bright and cheery everything looked.

Don't get me wrong, bright and cheery is good and all, but there's only so much a man can take before it's all... bleh. Bleh is a good word to describe it. I like my doom and gloom, thank you very much!

I was so caught up in my musings that I almost didn't notice when... someone was humming.

Shit, someone was humming! That meant people! People meant civilization! Civilization meant a house! A house meant food! Food meant I took a nasty shit in the morning if it was Mexican. Whatever, people!

But... what if they were rednecks? Like the Appalachian rednecks, the hillbilly kind. The kind that have identical DNA, no dental records, and unregistered firearms all over the place? Holy shit, what if I was in Deliverance? Holy fuck, no, that's a bad thought. Bad thought, out of my head, now!

Best if I observed first, made sure I wasn't walking in on Cletus pissing on a tree.

No fucking way.

Absofuckinglutely, no fucking way. Like, take out all the way, say fucking, and yell NOOOOOOOO like Darth Vader, but it still wouldn't come close to the 'no fucking way' I was expressing right now. Hard to really express it when you're hiding under a bush and... uh, shit. Hiding.

I'll give you one word: ponies.

I'll give you a couple more: Little Ponies. That Look Like People

They certainly ain't mine, and I'm a hundred percent sure me being in a brotastic relationship with my best bro, Waldo, doesn't confer magical powers onto the either of us, but you get the point: I was in My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

And dayum was I rethinking it. I mean, it's hard to mistake those for costumes when they looked... lifelike. Fuck, lemme explain: see, these people, the people that I'm fairly certain aren't hallucinations, well, it's hard to explain. Basically, ponies with human bodies: hooves on the end of their arms and legs, wear clothes, and have boobs.

There were six of them I was stalking, and I recognized them as the Mane Six from what Wally told me. You got the... purple one who is also smart and a ruler of the country. And the fashion one, the one that exudes that aura of shallow bitchiness over a heart of gold, that you can just tell from looking at them. Then you got the... I think the LGBT Pride Parade one, with the wings, and her Moe-Moe friend with REALLY FUCKING LONG pink hair. Last two, I think, was the apple farmer one and the party animal.