Now is it a happenstance idea that my life turned out this way?

Not really. Its my own fault trying to connect with ponies that are toxic to my mental health. Maybe I am crazy. Or maybe I have been pushed so far that I no longer care about anything. What self esteem? I have none. You could call me the most well adjusted pony hiding a borderline personality disorder ever and I would have to agree.

Hard to hide the truth in front of your face when it stares back at you.

Sure I can be the most happy joyous pony in a room but the switch can go on and I can hate myself for weeks.

I have been so close to darkness that one day I just wonder if I will finally be pushed to the breaking point. Though by this point, I have had some form of luck to not just start stabbing and just not caring if I live or die. I wonder if that is completely sane. Maybe my constant want of a relationship is unhealthy but I can't handle the silence.

Maybe my high school experience had to do something with it.

I have always been quiet. I haven't ever really needed to stand up for myself because of Sparkler and Cloudkicker or my mom standing up for myself. My mom always said I was her perfect little muffin. I could do no wrong. My family smothered me with affection and now I have no clue what to do with myself.But my mom always thought that I had something bigger to do. She set up so much for me. I both love her and hate her for that, but I think that's just my mind trying to make me want to hurt myself. That happens a lot. Now her idea for her little muffin was for me to go to the best college and get my doctorate and sing historical facts in a foreign language on the nearest street corner for moolah.

Complete and utter crock of shit there. But my mom likes the fairy tales. If she ever liked to read. She gives me books so often, I can't finish them in time- and I read fast.

Now maybe my high school experience would have been better if I was friends with the CMC and not Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. They weren't actually terrible ponies if you knew their normal lives. I mean not at first anyway.

Silver Spoon and DT were the best of friends. DT's mother had some major personality changes after Discord came to town that one weekend. Sure he didn't entirely make everyone turn into cannibals and eat babies, but he just accentuated DT's family iron fist. She was more often than not grounded for opening food and 'wasting' it or talking back to her own mother.

Silver Spoon on the other hoof, was secretly more incestuous than the rumors of the AppIes, I could never figure out her family tree since she used familial connections like 'my brother is actually my half brother and my mother is related to my dad via second cousins so my family reunion is just a redneck family get together.' And Silver Spoon was actually decent at everything country because of her quietly redneyeck life that made Applejack countryisms sound positively up and coming fancy.

And I never got much more of friends than that- sure I got more out of my shell during senior year- but that was more or me trying to separate myself from the constant abuse that I accidentally got myself into.

Now maybe it was all my fault that I got into a secret relationship that stretched longer than seven years. At least my bicurious self accidentally started it. I am not perfect. And I know that now.

Because DT and SS were my only friends, they hung out a lot at my house. My mom loved it. She thought I was having the best time of my life and because my friends parents were absolutely terrible- my friends thought my mom was the second coming of Celestia. Hard not to seem like a god when your parents are terrible ponies. But we got it off nicely for years. I told them everything. They knew everything about me and I trusted them.

Well nice to know that they betrayed me and kicked me to the curb once stuff happened.

My mom still asks how the two bitches are doing- social media or otherwise and it makes me have shivers down to my core everytime she asks, How do I tell her that stuff. How does she not notice my pain.

My friends were good but I kept noticing weird quirks that I noticed that they didn't give two shits about me.

I retreated into my shell via comic books so each knew the basics of nerd shit. Me much more nerdy than my friends. I was the smart one. They shifted back and forth being the most likely to be in prison for life. I went more for DT than Silver but that was because Diamond had a zebra in her family tree. Is that fucking racist? Sure, but everypony is a racist scumbag. Our schooling is rather insulated against other races.

One time my friends came up who I would be as a superhero- and they chose Professor Wheels of the X Mares.

Their reasoning was that because I was a cripple I had no real skills and hopes to be actually heroic so I should be grateful that comic books even tried to put in crippled fucks for me to look up to. It still hurts. I don't think it will stop because that was the first time that my friends turned on me and used their words to highlight a disability that I couldn't change. I can't be faulted to be born this way. It was all chance and nothing else. Nothing I could do.

Another time my friends made up a secret code for sexual encounters. I don't remember any of it. But I know that we never wrote it down or used it in any way. It was just a late night rambling code of nonsense. I just remember that I was never even thought of existing in said sex code- because I have no ability to get laid. Its useless for me to even want a marefriend or stallion because I was a non entity in getting laid.

You know, the typical mare shit.

I watched so much pornos to ease the pain. I got in all comers from the Rug Munchers Part 69 to the Cockwranglers Brokeback Edition with- surprisingly enough- Braeburn Apple. Never did ask Applebloom why her cousin was a porn star bu I didn't mind I just stuck my hoof in my honeypot and tried to stop thinking about Cheerilee, I'd come home from school and finish my homework and just watch pornin a secluded spot. I had no life. Being a cripple kills your chances at sports and not being in sports in Ponyvile meant youhad to find enjoyment elsewhere.

I just chose porn. I know I have a problem. Don't patronize me.

Its better than my best childhood memory which happened right after I had a surgery for my magic issues. I needed a way to walk around because my magic was connected to my legs. Blame me being born early for that brain fuckup. So I needed wheels that connected to my legs to move around. But my friends thought it would be cool to use me as a way to get around withou walking so I gave them rides for weeks without saying anything. Just to feel like I was useful.

Author's Note

I picked the thorny path myself.