Breathe. This is where my story really fucks up my life. Ponies say there are pivotal moments in your life that forever change you- but this moment made me who I am. You know besides the family that seems to be falling apart. Now I never talk about my past because its just too painful. But I guess I can make an exception since Doctor Hooves told me to get something on the page and try to work past my nightmares where I can't figure out if I'm drowning in blood or if I'm drowning in my blood. Semantics really, still drowning in blood and hating myself. You know I almost offed myself yesterday, but then I realize I die so many times in my sleep when I'm dreaming I can't believe Luna hasn't called the police.

Fuck.

Now my story needs a bit of words to liven the reality of getting raped. Wow so edgy but really. Do you know how it feels to be raped for years on end and not being able to say anything because the ones raping you are the only friends you had before going to college. I do. I replay the things every day. I can't touch people without flinching. I can't shake hands. I can't do a lot of things and its all because once you get raped. Its like something breaks inside you and you just try to hold the pieces together and smile.

Our story begins when I was twelve.

"Dinky, you are such a little bitch. Come on. Its only a swear word. Come on just say shit. Shit. S. H. I. T." My friends were being their normal selves.

"Shi- I can't do it. I mean my mom told me it was a really bad word."

DT and Silver Spoon sighed. This week during our slumber party they wanted me to say as many swear words as I could because it was funny to them because I never swore so it held weight.

"Okay maybe well try this in the morning cause you are being a pussy." Diamond and Silver grabbed their sleeping bags and turned away to get ready for sleep. I puled up my covers and heard both of them start snoring after a few minutes.

I felt so hot. I inched my hooves down to my nether regions and heat radiated back to my hooves. We had just been taught what sex was in Sex Ed from Nurse Redheart and I had already guessed I liked both mares and stallions with how my dick and vagina seemed to enjoy both of those things. And yes I faked you out. I have both genders so fuck you type casting me as female- I might seem mostly female but hey I can be male too.

And fuck me but I told my friends and shit went down but that is later.

So yeah I was currently masturbating off to the sleeping forms of my friends. I was twelve, horny and confused because I personally didn't fit the small town gender identity spectrum.

So I looked down at my unconscious friend Diamond and did what any person would do. I slipped off my covers- my six inch dick standing proudly at attention and just sat there watching her sleep for a few minutes. But I got rather bored and my legs were rather in a knot with laying on them and sit so I began to get rather creepy.

You know more than just masturbating to my friends and watching them sleep.

I pulled down her covers and noticed her own prickly muffin on display. I leaned my head down and just sniffed its musky odor as she didn't know how exactly to clean one of these fucking vaginas and shit. But it smelled somewhat inviting to my hormone addled brain. So I aimed my own honeypot to hers and just started rubbing and bouncing on her body like a wild animal. My dick was spurting its seed all over my chest with how I was sitting and it felt good to rub it over my coat. After I think fifteen minutes passed, because as I found out DT was so fucking impotent that it would be like ED for mares, I finally felt her insides clench around air and I got off her as she marinated in her juices.

I felt fucking fantastic until I heard Diamond wake up and tell me that she was awake for that last half.

"Nice dick you have there you dickbitch. Now if you don't want ponies to know how you are a fucking creep and you'll never get laid again- then lets just have these sessions whenever I ask you to. Nice job slut." I could hear Diamond laugh herself to sleep.

I really didn't sleep that night. And I always come back to this moment in my mind. If Diamond hadn't woken up, I wouldn't have had to live through retribution for this one act for seven years. That's one every weekend or so for forty weeks approximately for seven years. I thank school holidays and vacations for the times we couldn't get fucked. Though that didn't stop my mom from inviting my friends every time we went on vacation. So even then I wasn't away from my new rapist.

So maybe I deserved the emotional abuse I got. My brain sure thinks I deserve it. I still have nightmares about how often I got raped. Do you want to know when my life went downhill- that might be the start. Now if only my dad hadn't died then I wouldn't have lost myself for the next seven years and treat my pain with dicks or pussies or anything because after you lose the ability to say no- you are a sexual object to people. You don't have worth. You just exist and you feel like you are a dead pony walking.

Author's Note

But sleep never comes to you its the guilt and forever wakefulness of the weak