I'm going to get this off my chest. I both love and hate my parents. I just want you to know that going in. You'll see more of my mother later but I can't tell you what happens after until I deal with the elephant in the room. I did have a dad- kind of hard to miss that I exist and shit like that but I did have one. He didn't leave me out to dry and have us live in poverty- though that did come close after a thing or two happened. But he didn't exist for me.

And never mind that he looks like my current psychiatrist- I just chalk that up either to me not having a psychiatrist and hallucinating that part or in Celestia's wisdom hat there's a fuckton of doppelgangers that show how limited the color palette of ponies can get. I hope its the second choice because I don't want to be more crazy than I thought I was. Back to my shit dad.

I mean he was there for my sister and brother and they have pictures and memories about being with my dad. Sparkler and Cloudkicker have memories of him teaching them how to build things and Sparkler's whole career was patterned after Time Turner showing them how science and magitech worked in tandem. Not that I'm complaining that I can't build one of those and Sparkler rides my cock about that or that she forces my mother to pay her for services rendered whenever Sparkler was asked for help. Well okay my family is a messed up batch of crazies- and I'm not kidding we all have some sort of depression mantra anger issues and overall want to off ourselves. But that's what you get when you take two families with mental instability and make them breed.

But yeah fuck my dad.

My siblings remember hanging out with him in Griffonstone where he was fixing the local economy and bringing them up to speed on technology. So they got to hang out with him and see the sights while me and my mom stayed back home in Ponyville. Or maybe the time that because the traveled to Griffonstone ten years before and because I wasn't born yet, they fucking lived there for three years. Now that was during the time we were fighting Yakyakistan during this time so they had to flee the country because Equestrians were getting attacked and shit. But yeah they lived damn far away and moved back and then some years later I was born. And ever since then, we haven't really had fun vacations. Its like because of me existing- they don't do anything at all.my

I mean they get at least average memories with my dad- he still was an inveterate douche that made my mom pick him up at work while she was pregnant with Cloudkicker all those years ago. But my mom did like him and lived with him for years.

Didn't mean that they got divorced. Though that might have been because he had a girlfriend in Griffonstone that he was living with and fucking. I wanted to put 'possibly' in between those words but no he was doing the business with her- not just because it was his personal assistant.

I never said my father was perfect. He knew how to run a company overseas and make anybody love him that worked with him. He knew how people worked. He gave his workers bonuses of things they actually needed to survive. And he wasn't that bad to us- he paid alimony and child support, sure he could have been a terrible fuckwit and left us alone to rot halfway around the world.

But he didn't do that.

I mean is it worse to be abandoned and not feel love from a parent or is it worse when you know that parent tries to love you but you are unsure if you are his first priority?

Because .I say its the latter.

I mean he always sounded interested in what I did for the day and living across time zones had to have been hard when talking to me. When I went to bed- he was waking up and getting ready for work. But you know, being the first thing your dad thinks about after waking up and before going to bed is impossible when you literally can't imagine it. I know he at least knew I existed. But when you live in a small town and everypony has family ties out the ass and does the cute thing in public? It gave me a hard time. Everypony seemed to have wonderful lives and I always had to explain to people where my dad was and not hear the disappointment of having a dad that worked overseas.

But I got my memories of my dad when he got laid off when the economy turned to shit. This was after the divorce and yelling match that was the only time I heard my parents fight. It messed me up. Because it was loud enough for me to hear it outside and I couldn't get away from it- it was an echo filled neighborhood so our neighbors heard it too. I still wonder how the police weren't called because it was at least a 'we should check this out' noise. Not a 'domestic abuse' thing- just a 'domestic disturbing the idyllic peace of our neighborhood' noise.

So yeah. It was after a mostly clean and fifty fifty divorce.

Surprisingly, my dad's friends actually liked my mother- I mean she is the life of the party when she gets going. But I never thought dad's friends would completely disown him once he divorced my mom- she did keep the last name though. Going back to a last name you hadn't used in nearly three decades would be weird. And fucking costly.

But they disowned him for divorcing mom. So he had no place to go. And my mom being my ever welcoming mom invited him to stay at our house. It made some sense since if she didn't do that, he'd be homeless and being a diabetic. . . that would be pretty much a death sentence.

So I got to live with my whole family- besides my siblings. Cloudkicker thought we would lose the house during my parents' divorce so she bought a house nearby just in case if we lost it. And Sparkler married into the Apple Family when she married Big Mac. I never knew how that worked but I guess they were highschool sweethearts and one of the few ponies Sparkler opened up to after we moved from Dusky Shades a few years back. Besides the fact that my mom and dad were still footing the bill for Sparkler's education- my mom wouldn't stop paying that bill until years later when Sparkler got a consulting job with a tech firm- the two ponies were independent.

But those eighteen months were hell.

First, I had this idealized idea of my dad. Well fuck that. that was shattered once I went out to dinner with him. Every time we did that, he found a way to complain about the food and almost always never had to pay for a meal because he was such an abrasive person he found a way to have the restaurants lose money just to get him away from people.

And I had to watch every time. Because of this issue- every time somepony complains about the food to service staff while on dates- or fuck that I've never been on actual dates- when my mom has been with her multiple boyfriends- that's better- or just out with friends; every time someone complains I get fidgety and find ways to not confront the problem. Like going to the drink fountain or to the bathroom or anywhere else than seeing the people I'm with berate food service staff like waitresses and the like when most of the time its not their fault.

Or like my dad did- complain about how much salt was used. I know he was diabetic but there's a time and a place for that shit and complaining about something as minuscule as the amount of salt on your food is just petty.

So yeah I have a fear of confrontation and somehow my dad started me on that path.

So besides the fact that my dad was an inveterate asshat to servers- there were two more major memories that shape my memories of him.

One day he broke his leg right before I was going to get my horn checked out. Now he said he was totally fine and while he was being a little bitch for complaining about hurting his leg a little bit, we wanted to check it out. Now I will preface this with that my entire family and sometimes me included can be terrible to people in pain. We often laughed at people who were hurt- it's probably why I like Ponyacci's slapstick routines the best- but really we can be awful. So because my dad had diabetes, there was always the chance that he would lose his limbs if he didn't take good care of himself, and believe me when I say that he totally didn't take care of himself. So we weren't surprised when we rolled up to the hospital and found out that he didn't just hurt his leg like we all thought and though he was being a bitch over. No, his leg shattered into little pieces and somehow the meatsuit part that he called his leg was staying together while the inside with complete bone fragments and internal bleeding.

And what did everyone in my family do when we heard that?

We fucking all bust a gut laughing. So we all were there in Ponyville General laughing like maniacs about how my dad would never have a leg and how it needed to be amputated. Looking back, that's awful how we treated my dad after all that.

But he said that he was fine and we had to drag him there so maybe it was just a mediocre way to cope with him having to spend months in the hospital while he wasn't working and we were on the cusp of bankruptcy because of him being laid off.

Now six weeks or so before my dad died, my sister Cloudkicker got engaged to Thunderlane. And then she got married a week after my dad died or was it a few months? I don't care specifics in my story- but it was real close to after he died maybe three months after tops.

Now putting this into perspective- my whole family thought my sister was gay. Cause she just wasn't interested in dating at all. Haha serves them right though cause look how I turned out. But seriously, we all thought she was gay so when we heard that she was getting engaged to a stallion we lost our collective shit. My mom brought her boyfriend number 3 that I don't even remember anymore because a parade of terrible decisions my mother Ditzy makes is only memorable when the terrible decisions turn into inveterate douchebags and fuckups. So me not remembering this stallion is actually for the best.

And Sparkler was pregnant with my first niece out of the five piece set I soon collected. When I heard that news I high hoofed Big Mac. Not the greatest idea since I then realized that we were in public and saying good job to the stallion that knocked up my sister was in bad taste. I was fourteen. Screw decency.

So there enters Thunderlane and we lose our shit. Mostly because bets are off that my sister was gay. So we planned a wedding- and blame the two lovebirds that they planned a wedding super fast. It was rather like a story book wedding and looking back to it- much better than Sparkler's hot ass wedding. Cloudkicker seems to do better in life accomplishments even when her and her husband are janitors. Sparkler seems to do better with material objects and wealth porn. I think that because Cloudkicker's kids aren't demonspawn while Sparkler's kids have throatpunched me and kicked me in the crotch and shins for a laugh more times than they I can count. Those kids are why I hate children and hope to maybe adopt- maybe. Even then I think 'man those are shit ass kids with no boundaries.'

But less on the issues of issues. Because soon after that generally okay meeting with Thunderlane- my dad got sent overseas and after a while got fired again. Not because he didn't know how to do his job. No, it was because his organs were shutting down slowly and he was starting to go insane as his heart tried to survive multiple organ failure. From what I have heard from my mom explaining it and her talking to his coworkers- it wasn't a clean process. It was slow and painful and lasted for at least two months as each organ slowly failed and then just quit.

He slipped into a diabetic coma one day and just didn't wake up.

I only had one conversation with him during that time and that was hours before he died.

We all did.

"Dinky, say something to your dad. He might not wake up." I saw can see my mom holding back tears and I picked up the phone to silence. My dad was on the other end hooked up to the only things keeping him in a vegetative coma. With all the organ failures- he was only living because of that.

I felt like this was a play and I was just playing a part that wasn't real. Nothing was real. My dad was going to live forever and see my sister's wedding and grandchildren and my wedding and live until he died peacefully in his sleep at ninety and have everybody by his bedside and have a beautiful moment. He wasn't going to die halfway across the world.

"Hey, dad. I love you a lot and I'm going to miss you," I felt tears well up in my eyes as the feeling of being helpless and not there for my dad hit me. "School was pretty good today and I hope you'll get better so you can go to Cloudchaser's wedding. I- uh, don't know what else to say but I'm missing you a whole lot and I can't wait to see you again."

Is what I would have said if I could remember exactly what I said. This is just a shitty recreation but either way I heard that my dad was crying as I was talking. And that just makes it so much worse when I think that he couldn't talk back and could just hear my voice.

The next day I woke up and he was dead. Thankfully, my friends were over and Diamond was somehow for once not being a rapist. I just heard that at the kitchen table and literally started sobbing. There's only one other time I did it to that extent and that was when my boyfriend broke it off with me.

I don't get truly emotional anymore. Not after all the things I've had to deal with. Its just easier to wear a mask of emotions and have the hurt on the inside. Its easier to treat yourself like you don't matter. Nothing matters if you want to be happy.

Why is it so hard to be happy?

I miss you dad. I still can't look at the picture you had of me that you kept on your desk that showed me when I was six and on the cover of a local magazine in Dusky Shades. Thinking that you looked at that picture of me smiling at six years old looking so happy and showing it to everyone who went in your office. That sticks with me and that's why I keep that picture in the back of my closet as far away from me. It hurts too much to see that and not think how much I fucked up. How you could have maybe done more. All the birthdays you missed, the things we could have talked about. The life moments you missed. The fact that you were dead before I entered highschool. You missed my graduation. You'll miss both my college graduation and marriages that I could have. Kids. I can't even hear you congratulate me when I get a job.

I don't even remember your voice at this point.

You just exist in my baby photos that I keep in my closet and a video that you filmed while overseas. You don't even show up in that- you're the one filming it. You just laugh. No words nothing. No closure. Not a 'you did good son. I am proud of you." No my siblings got that. They might have had to deal with your iffy parenting methods and issues but they at least had a connection with you. I got phone conversations that I can't completely remember and you being an ass to people.

I don't know if I should forgive you or not- maybe you tried your best but you could have shown that you cared more than 'oh look how he cared for you cause he kept a photo near him and cared for you enough to keep you alive.'

You were there but you weren't. Halfway across the world isn't a way to keep any relationship stable. And fuck you. I don't forgive you for how you almost bankrupted us because you used credit cards terribly or used mom's credit. Sure we are fine because you had a great life insurance policy. But my mind still finds ways to blame myself for causing that. Yes a fourteen year old causing a family to lose house and home. Its silly but my mind doesn't care.

I wish I knew you better than this but I don't I never will.

And that is why I say I never had a dad. Cause being a father isn't just alimony and money paid to keep your kids happy while you are banging side bitches on the regular. No, its more than that. Its all the times I needed you and you weren't there. There's only so much I can deal with a dad who only talked to me for five minutes a day for years and then appeared out of nowhere for eighteen months.

It just never is good. Not all parents are the best. And some try harder than others- my mom tries. But even she fails sometimes. My dad?

I'd much rather not talk about him. Its easier that way.

Author's Note

Where are we going?

We're going to a party, it's your birthday party.