Dinky stretched her muscles as she tried to get the pain out of her neck from spending all night writing in her journal. Sometimes it was nice to take a break- maybe sleep, maybe just masturbate like her life had become this summer. You know besides the continuous staring into mirrors and seeing herself in coffins and her family being overall shits.

And maybe she needed to get some cathartic feelings after how her last journal entry made her realize that her father was both a terrible person and a tragic figure. So she looked down at herself and thought what she could do. Her room was a literal mess and her mother Ditzy was going out with her friends to see a movie today. The two of them were going to spend time together like how they watched tv together or went to the movies on Tuesdays cause Ponyville had free popcorn day.

Dinky liked those days- they were so peaceful and she got to see a movie. But Ditzy had a friend come up and they wanted to see the movies together. So her mom chose to got with her instead because she just couldn't say no since 'she forgot to go with said friend last week to the movies.'

So Dinky was just sitting in her room bored. And her fuckbuddy wasn't on. The grey mare, for she identified more as a female today, sighed as she rolled around on her bed. Her 21 years feeling tired as her horn sparked a bit as her twinges of pain happened again as her surgery scar stared at her right below her hairline- visible yet faint enough for most ponies to not warrant a second glance. She pushed her hair into a presentable condition and cleaned the gunk out of her eyes. Staying up all night talking to Screwball did that to her. Her coat felt dirty as she felt the dried leavings of her constant masturbation session streaked across one side of her chest and her hooves felt sticky as she realized that she had been nearly masturbating constantly for two days as her mind went blank as she had orgasmed so many times that her whole room smelled musky.

Must just be another growth spurt on my cock, she thought. She glanced down at it as she sat awkwardly on her bed- its turgid purple shaft winking at her with a dried bit of cum on it. She thought back fondly to the one time Diamond tried anal and had her stick it in her.

Except for the fact that Dinky could never even attempt to fit it in her since, even then, her shaft was just too big to fit in a tight ass like that. Not a great pun- but actually happened.

Puberty had been kind to Dinky in that regard- her name kind of ironic at the shaft that leaned heavily against her thigh. Its beating rhythms showing that it was working like a racehorse to grow. She gingerly held it in her hooves gently massaging the head and shaft as she thought of it growing forever bigger into a bloated turgid mass that made walking difficult because of its size.

Bad slutty girl, aren't you?

Dinky blushed as she heard her darkness inside teasing her. Teasing her with sexy ideas and her now girthy footlong stood at attention proudly. She absentmindedly stroked it as she crept out of her room and past the sleeping form of one of her Mare Mare Mare sisters. Vinyl Scratch, DJ-Pon-3 in the house. Dinky chuckled as she wobbled on three hooves the bathroom. Stepping over the debris that scattered the room that Vinyl was using as a den of drinks and pizza, Dinky got into the bathroom and shut the door.

Slowly, she turned on the water and tried not to think of the droplets of water hitting her sensitive cock. This thing was more trouble than it was worth since every time she tried sex with anypony, it sounded like they were dying of impalement or it just wouldn't fit anyway since Dinky seemed to be bigger than most porn stars nowadays.

She went through the motions of a shower and after a while the warm water felt nice on her tired back.

Fifteen minutes passed and she walked out of the shower and grabbed a towel in her pinkish aura.

She heard Cloudkicker come with her kids through the door upstairs- Sparkler and her Apple brood didn't come over often= so Dinky quickly ducked into her room and turned on the computer so she didn't have to deal with the issues that she didn't want to with. One time she wanted to see how often they came over to the house and Cloudkicker had a avesat down andrage time of every three days- Sparkler had an average time of fuck off.

Dinky looked at her room as she sat down. Comic books and books from the manga artist trade that was being made in Griffonstone.

Some giant looking robots and horror books. Even some religious texts.

She needed something to give her life meaning and the fact that books were easily gotten and never changed their love for her made her life incredibly depressing and sad. Notebooks filled with poetry that she didn't want others to see or filled with story ideas lined her desk. She'd get back to those later- stories were incredibly personal affairs for her and the fans she did have had to wait. Flights of fancy were common, but there was often a few lines in each story she truly liked.

Booting up her computer took a minute and she sighed. This summer had kind of sucked ass. Vinyl and her mom hit it off immediately but Vinyl was a bit loud and rambunctious and overall okay in small doses. Ditzy had also got boyfriend number ten with Hugh Jelly- didn't know how that pairing worked but he reminded Dinky a little too much of her father.

Well you aren't wrong there. Imperfections are similar.

Shut up head. Shut up.

She looked at the wall of musical instruments that greeted her sight- she had taken a few private lessons from Lyra on stringed instruments when she was twelve and another shorter round when she was in highschool with Octavia who was a few grades ahead of Dinky. Those were good times. She used that knowledge to have a moment at the school's talent show that stuck with her. It was the only time she felt free in school with all the bullying and emotional abuse going on.

Octavia had pushed a sigh up sheet in her face and gently forced her to sign up because she thought Dinky, of all ponies, had actual talent for mainly teaching herself the guitar. She had accepted and freaked out for weeks afterward. The idea that she would stand up in front of her own school and sing something terrified her. Social anxiety can be like that.

But she did.

And it was the happiest moment that she could remember. She felt free and since it was right after the school tried to fuck up her transcripts to get into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns it felt so filling that she enjoyed everypony looking at her and not judging her for being a cripple. Not judging her for fucking up a lot. Just enjoying the music.

Just enjoy the music. She thought of that a lot while jamming on her guitars and other random instruments her somewhat hoarder of a mom gave her on her birthdays. Three guitars, a Zebrican drum, a mandolin, ukeleles, and a balalaika instrument from Yakyakistan.

She was drowning in instruments.

This is why she didn't have many truly happy memories anymore. And maybe why she wanted to kill herself so often. How do you deal with memories turning dark- not because you did anything to them but because your famiy's way of showing love is suffocating you and you can't escape or get free and just feel the noose of affection cutting off your ability to breathe calmly and relax.

You can relax when you are dead. Fucking do it. Pick up a knife and do it. Your mother just sharpened her kitchen knives. Or maybe jump out a window and hit the ground. Die like the suicidal fuck you are. Die you cunt. You are so worthless you miserable slut.

Stop it. Stop it stop it it stop. Breathe. No panic attacks. Use that breathing exercise Twilight taught you. Just breathe.

Don't look in the mirror.

Sometimes when Dinky was violently suicidal, she saw things in the mirror. Things wearing her face. Things with their knives slicing into her skin and laughing.

She hated herself. This is what emotional abuse can do to ponies. The feelings of worthlessness and use alternate with feeling fine because what you are feeling is internal and you can hide it until the next time your family notices and tries to help you but because they didn't notice the rape and abuse and literally let them be in the house- you try to explain but explaining that you got raped by your friends brings up victim blaming- why did you not come forward, she seemed nice, why why why. And then you realize that you can't say anything without it feeling like somepony is judging you, patronizing you, objectifying you. And you retreat inward trying to escape but you find the harshest critic you know.

Yourself. You know everything about yourself. You know how to make it hurt. And you can never turn it off.

I call that part of me Darkness

That's why I don't have many happy memories- partly because I was so sheltered, partly because we never traveled, and mostly that I find ways to turn Darkness off.

He speaks to me. Telling me everything that I am too afraid to say.

And maybe he's right.

A ding from my instant messaging part of my computer wakes me from wallowing in misery and I wake up realizing that I was so close to stabbing myself with a knife I must have taken from the kitchen.

Another day another way for my subconscious to want to die.

Dinky still liked her online friend and even though she had never been closer than a city away- except for vacations that were near Screwball's house. And we did fuck up a few months ago and break off the sexy part of the online bit. But Dinky did still like Screwball even if that happened. She might always like her. Not to mention that she was one of the only ponies that Dinky told everything to.

'Mi Amore how are you doing?' I clicked my instant messenger and replied to my totally hot girlfriend that somehow wasn't my girlfriend. It was complicated.

'Good except for the fact that my sister is back already and my mom is dating yet another dude.'

'That's awful. Sorry I couldn't talk my dad took my computer and sent it too the moon because it needed a break and I can't wake up my mom because the sun went down.'

'Well at least your life is exciting, goofball cause my mother is just trying to reconnect with me this whole summer. And her eyesight is getting worse so I don't want to have her go blind while I'm doing nothing and waiting for school to start back up to get away from my awful family.'

'Well why don't you just count down the days til you get back to school to see all your friends you talked about sorority mare.' Then just a winky face emoji at the end.

Sigh. That brought up a whole other batch of issues with them.

'Screwy, is it bad that I don't really want to go back to school- I mean after a while its just painful to see all my Mare Mare Mare girls and realize that they have their own flaws. I try to fight the stereotype of a frat being on the movies but they can have their own traditions that weird me a bit out.'

'So fuck those ponies and the things they do that annoy you. See the good in ponies.'

'Thanks goofball, you know if you didn't live in Canterlot and I didn't live here in Ponyville I'd totally fuck you right.'

'I know Mi Amore, I know.'

I stared at my computer screen. I would have written more but I heard my mom call me upstairs for food.

Fuck.

You want to see what marriage is like? Take my family. My sister has two kids. One is currently three and fucking great to be around- literally she is the only reason that I enjoy them. Besides the fact that ever since I got five nieces I've lived through the Disneigh phase five times and that I am now a connoisseur of such great works as 'Dude McLovins' and 'Breezie Oil Tanker' and what the shit.

And the children's songs created by the devil because they're always terrible.

But somehow I like two out of five of my nieces- one because she's cute and gives great hugs. Damn that sounds weird and creepy but seriously she's super happy to go to grandma's house and see all the toys and see everypony. Little Jonquil is adorable. Like one of those paintings hack artists do in magazines.

But then there's Cloudkicker and Thunderlane. My sister I do like. Same humor and similar issues as me with depression and shit. Also she can fucking bake with the rest of them. Thunderlane on the other hoof is just a neurotic mess when he has to deal with stress. He's terrified of flying more than he has to and he's a decade older than my sister so he's closer to my mom's age.

And he doesn't shut the fuck up and whines constantly about things.

And he doesn't retire jokes. Literally, I watched porn once and he walked in on me- because fuck privacy- and now he won't shut up at any chance that I watch porn every second of every day ever. Every sexual pun I make he retorts with 'how slow is you computer running. Or why are you getting a new computer is there a virus on it?'

So he can be a fucking ass when he starts talking because he's annoying.

But nevermind. I said I liked two of my nieces. Jonquil was the first and she's three. The one that really causes the issues that annoy me is Jasmine. Yes my family names their kids in a similar fashion. Jasmine was born with some brain disorder thing and shit went sideways and she needed some surgery. Like major surgery in the brain region. So that fucked up my sister's whole issue and that caused a lot of fights about her being okay.

So there's reasons why I don't like my sister coming over so often- because if you combine my sister's control freak attitude, my brother in law's neurotic tendencies, and a kid who needs attention all the time- they yell a lot.

And partially forget the older one's existence. That's why I try to be a good aunt to the both of them- I see that my sister is focusing more on the one that had surgery and not the one that is normal. That happens a lot.

There's one reason I have never said to anypony as to why I don't like them coming over. Haven't even told my mother and she knows that I hate them coming over so much.

I see myself in Jasmine- figuratively. I see her living out similar things that I had to deal with in my life. Everything flashes before my eyes and I think to myself that that would not be a fun series of events to watch. All the bullies and people taking advantage of her because she's an easy target. Its hard to put into words how terrible kids can be to others that are different- think of being the new kid forever. Its like that. People notice you for your disability first and make snap judgments on that fact.

I didn't go overseas for that fact. I tried to get into a program that sent people on trips overseas cause it came in the mail and I never went away from home before that so it sounded cool. Well I did everything I could to get in it. We paid money and went to meetings. Got everything we thought we needed. And then the interview happened.

Social anxiety tried to kick in, but I beat it. Rocked the interview and just as I was about to leave in perfect spirits. . . one of the interviewers asked why I was limping so badly. It was because my magical reserves got fucked up by being born early and shit happened. I told her about the whole disability thing like I had said so many times that it became a second nature question to answer.

Her response was "Oh, we had someone like you before. I hope your issues won't make it hard for you to go on the trip."

I didn't leave happy. I quickly shook everypony's hooves and booked it out of there dragging both Cloudkicker and my mom out of the building as fast as possible. They didn't ask. We cancelled the whole trip but not before months later I told my mom about it and I was sobbing how I didn't want to go on the trip and that she should cancel while I was in the hospital getting my horn checked out.

I was going to go a semester abroad this year- but I decided not to and I think I'm going to take out that major- all because a similar thing happened in college.

So that's why I'm terrified about what will happen to Jasmine and why I hope she won't have any developmental issues being one and all- because I know personally how dismissive people can be when they see a disabled person.

It made me self conscious about my body image and my disability. Now I think less of myself whenever I think of that moment.

Ponies can be so nice to others but their statements can kill someone's drive to succeed. I just think I'm shit now and that one random ass old mare killed the last of my self-esteem.

Author's Note

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies knowing that I may have been the cause.

Children'sProgrammingIsTerrible