It was a typical dinner. Nothing special to report except that my cousin Snowflake is in jail again for doing something stupid. Typical family problems really. Screaming kids and Disneigh movies. Sister still okay. Man if I off myself one of these days, I don't know how ponies will take it. Knowing my family it'll blindside them. But every time I see my future its nonexistent. I'm already done with my shelf life if my fourteen year old self is to be believed. Twenty one. That's my year I die. Doesn't that sound awful that I made a death pact with myself? It doesn't to me.

Because I did that during a time that I locked myself in my room in the old house in Ponyville- my mom got a new house this year.

Never told my mom how close I was to jumping out my window. It was the only time I got fed up getting emotionally abused by Diamond. Let me just say that like my feelings for my parental figures, my highschool friends were shitdicks. But they had a reason for that- a terribly stupid reason but a reason. First of all their parents were fucking weird as shit as I said before. And secondly, Ponyville was a small town. Don't ever say that small towns are idyllic and cute and the pinnacle of Equestrian society. They are racist, homophobic, and just plain terrible places to live. Sure they have a less chance of you getting offed by a crazy fuck with a weapon but small towns are like serial killer factories. Everypony is nice in front of your face and behind your back they hate you.

You get paranoid just thinking about it.

So being fourteen. Let's get back to that. So yeah by this point I was a good cock whore for Diamond. She pulled out the weird toys that money could buy and since my dad died I turned to sex as a coping mechanism. The pain was still there. Its always there. It doesn't go away it just gets easier to not dwell on. And since I hit puberty, my cock and vagina were always ready to go. It always felt bloated and it was because it was growing to its present state of being a footlong cock and the width of a filly's leg- so that was a massive improvement for Diamond raping me- she was too scared of me fitting that pulsing monster in her because she freaked when it was half that size. But you know how that goes. I don't mind that it seems weird that I had a dick that was so huge and yet she still raped it. She just used the tip really it couldn't fit much more than that.

Diamond even had her own code for getting laid. Whenever we had a moment that was slightly gay, as in me being happy to see that someone came over and acknowledged my existence- I hugged them. Then Diamond thought it always got too awkward. And then she said that shouldn't we take this to the bedroom.

And then we fucked. Every time we hugged in my house. In my bedroom.

I couldn't say no. Or in theory, I could. But then Diamond was a whiny ass whore and when she was horny she always wanted it. She wouldn't take no for an answer. So after a while I couldn't say no unless I wanted her to ask if we could fuck every five minutes. And that's with that whole threat thing. After the first year, I became numb to threats. Its hard to threaten someone who had someone die that they are related to- so after my dad became a vase that held his ashes- I didn't fucking care about that at all. She could have threatened me with death and I wouldn't have batted an eye.

But she could always annoy the fuck out of me.

During one of our sleepovers, Silver Spoon walked in on us doing the deed and she almost puked. Isn't it nice when your secret gets found out by ponies not knowing what privacy is? So Diamond never had to tell Silver what was going on- the bitch walked right on in and saw it.

Now we got enough backstory for why I made a death pact with myself. Raping, check. Terrible friends, check.

So Silver joined in the fun- not raping me but because Diamond was very insecure about being seen as gay and Silver was her friend. They made fun of me together for years like fucking hypocrites.

Why didn't you kill them in their sleep

I wanted to. I looked up poisons and suicide methods and types of knives and I knew how the idea of killing something worked. You killed it because it brought you annoyance. I became really dark in thoughts. After my dad died was the worst. Combining the constant dreams of me either getting raped or committing suicide was a third type of dream.

The 'I'm going to dream of scenarios of how to murder my entire school.' dream.

It was the only dream where I was in a position of power. A very messed up position of power nonetheless and I got to see my fantasies of me shooting everybody or shoot some ponies and then do a rape scene with the mares.

It was a messed up fantasy. I was messed up.

But when I locked myself in my room and pushed a chair in front of it- that was to keep Diamond away from me- that was after Silver and Diamond had called me gay for three hours straight. My mom was away so she couldn't see this happening and she came back after the thing got resolved. But still it broke me. I tried to laugh about it but they thought it was funny that I was so hurt by it

Then I didn't come out of my room for two hours. And they got worried and Diamond Tiara talked me into opening the door and we talked about how that was kind of a terrible thing to do- joking about sexuality and treating it like a joke when it is a major part of your sense of self and you want to share the news with somepony and they just find it the most funny thing. They don't treat you with respect.

I said something like that to Diamond and in all my years of knowing her- she apologized for calling me gay. Silver never brought up the 'icky bisexual' bit again and that was when we truly started to drift apart. That was the time that I realized that I needed to separate myself from the very painful shit that I was dealing with.

My mom still asks if I hear shit from Diamond or Silver on Trotter or Ponybook. They haven't said a word to me ever since we got out of highschool. Whenever my mom asks about them, I try to either answer the story as simple as possible or I deflect the question into another thing. With my mom's multiple sclerosis, she can't remember things all that well.

I wish she remembered things better. Maybe she just says these things that my mind takes as hurtful because she literally forgot.

I heard that Diamond has a boyfriend now- didn't ask who but that's a thing.

I wouldn't be so pissed until I think of the times that she forced me to have sex after I had a few major surgeries. Do you know the feeling of sex when you are in casts? Its uncomfortable or outright painful. There's no good position and because you are in casts- the blood flow to your extremities can feel outright pinched off or numbed because its all going to dicks and shit like that.

Or the time after my last major surgery where I got metal conductors in my horn. Diamond came over to say hi and show off her bod- army school can do that to a pudgy bitch and turned her skinny. I stayed fat and she turned hot. And I have a fucking muscle fetish. If I say I like your muscles, I will say so you dimwitted skank that I had to tutor through highschool. I was probably the reason you had a high enough GPA you whore. And after the niceties were done, Diamond went to the bathroom with my phone and took nude pics and sent it to dudes.

I wondered why I kept getting horny dudes calling my phone for six months afterward.

Wouldn't have known that had happened unless I looked in my pictures and saw a face full of vagina and sluttish mugging for a phone camera. Nude pics are an art and even I have taken a few of my dick to ponies. But there's a bro code to this shit- you use your own phone and unless you enjoy the certain photos you took- its etiquette to delete them. Diamond was a bitch.

She cheated on me multiple times. I lost count at seven other dudes fucking Diamond. She always told me about it during our sex sessions. Like 'hey bitch I fucked Featherweight' or ;hey you know Pipsqueak- the dude you almost had a backbone to ask out to prom?- well he's my date and I fucked him too.'

I was the one that helped my friends get dates. Mares often like hearing nice things-

There we go another tantrum and fight by Cloudkicker and Thunderlane and tantrums and shit. Its been two days and they still haven't left. I haven't slept more than four hours a night in three days. They don't stop bitching about each other or the kids or work. This is why I don't want kids. I see that Sparkler's a narcissitic pony that doesn't watch her damn kids so they run rampant and Cloudkicker's marriage sounds more like the beginnings of a borderline unhappy home that I can't believe they aren't divorced. Oh wait, I remember why they aren't divorced it costs too much money so we get the yelling matches and what almost sounds like borderline domestic squabbles of death.

I don't want kids- I don't deserve them. Nobody does- its just a way for the race to survive and thrive. Children are just literal parasites in the eyes of science. So fuck that. Anyway I'm so paranoid I can't hold a baby without almost getting a panic attack. I just see them and I see every way that I could kill it.

I don't touch babies.

-back to the reason why I was the matchmaker of our group. I always knew what to say. Bitches love compliments and even though I had never been in a long term and not rapey relationship with a mare- I read a lot of romance novels. Shit, I read most of Twilight's collection of books before Tirek blew that shit up. I'd always spend two hours after school reading books so my mom could get off her shift and pick me up. And books don't hurt you. They don't want you to be hurt. They are escapist fantasies that keep you away from the harsh realities of life.

So most of my ability to read people came from books and the television- Sapphire Shores has a damn good talk show and I never missed her. She was my favorite. Not just because she had a bumping career as a musician- but because the camera was where she felt natural. She was great to see her tackle relationship advice every weekday.

So I synthesized those references into a background of knowing usually how people would react in certain situations- never having to say much because not everypony was hot enough for my standards and that I was just tired of relationships. At this point, since my dad died- my mom has had shorter relationship lengths than seven years- not counting my mom's three decades of marriage to my dad- I've had longer relationships. Dude or two a year- because Ponyville has so many mares I don't know if my mom's tried the other sex. I don't believe so. I could have become common law married to my rapist.

I got my friends dates. I helped them graduate highschool and they treat me like I am a nonexistent motherfucker.

'You know Screwball did offer to find Diamond and knock her the fuck out?

Mmm. I remember that. I liked that a lot- and its a thing I think about constantly. But I think that people like Diamond and Silver Spoon don't deserve to just be knocked out. If I was going to my Highschool Reunion at all- except wait. I hate every one of my highschool companions- except for like a few. Most were just homophobic, sportsgod, cheerleader, illiterate, idiotic fuckwads that just typify the culture of a small town.

Fuck highschool reunions. I'll just do the thing that I did when Diamond took Pipsqueak to the prom. Drink energy drinks, eat ice cream, and not sleep for two days. Because I was the one that said to Diamond's face how much I liked Pipsqueak. I was going to kill myself that night. I didn't.

Author's Note

Oh. why can't I be making love come true?