Krieg's Little Land-Dolphins: Bicycles are Tofu

Krieg stood there as Applejack slowly backed away, trembling in fear at the sight of him.

“You know what? I’m not gonna scold you. I already did, I’ve been scolding you for this, because ever since we got here, I called this. It’s a never-ending pattern, you are given a simple task, you ignore any and all common sense, and then go on a murderous rampage. Unlike Pandora though, this time, you went and did it on a planet that wasn’t a total anarchy where you could get away with it. To add to that, we were supposed to keep ourselves a secret, judging by what the pink bitch said, the only way this chick won’t talk is if we kill her.”, Krieg raised his buzz axe at the mare.

“We aren’t going to though.”, Krieg, against his will, lowered the weapon.

“For years now, I’ve put up with watching you end countless lives without so much as a hint of regret. I was able to deal with that as those were all bandits and beast, killers, people who were already as immoral as us.”, the voice in his brain was starting to take a more serious tone.

“Let me help you with that.”

Applejack now stared at the confused creature in front of her. It almost looked like it was arguing with itself. Either way, she wasn’t gonna let the opportunity slip by, without the creature noticing, she took a few steps back, prepared to tackle the beast to the ground.

Applejack’s vision immediately filled with pink.

“P-Princess-”, Applejack was urgently cut off

“Aphrodite.”

“I’ve been spending too much time with Pinkie.”, Applejack shook her head in confusion. “So can I ask who this guy is?”

“it’s like this.”

One “boring explanation of stuff you already knew, but not the entire plot, because dramatic irony is awesome” later.

“What have I gotten myself into?”, Applejack gulped and cautiously walked up to the psychopath in front of her.

Krieg leaned up against Chrysalis’s bed-like rock and shrugged. Just then, the buzzing of what sounded like dozens of changelings, could be heard throughout the cave. Applejack immediately took a battle stance as Krieg nonchalantly pulled a Jakobs revolver out of his pocket.

You see, this is why we should have tried finding an alternate route into the mountain instead of making one.

“Please, don’t go all crazy this time.”, Applejack looked at Krieg with pleading eyes.

“Let’s see him try!”, the first changeling ran in and grabbed onto Krieg while holding a makeshift incendiary device in it’’s mouth.

Oh no, the sane voice in Krieg’s brain knew how this was going to end.

“My death will ensure yours. Not one more of us will fall to you!”, the creature yelled before slamming it’’s head to Krieg’s chest.

BOOM!

Applejack stood there, surrounded by changelings.

She didn’t even know what to think.. She still could hear the fire crackling. The explosion still rang in her ears.

She closed her eyes as ten changelings leaped at her. She heard the loud bang of them slamming against her ten times, but felt nothing. She opened her eyes back up and gasped at the sight of ten dead buggy bodies.

 She immediately snapped her gaze towards her right at the sound of her new ‘friend’ who should’ve been dead.

“I’m great for making burgers!”, Krieg shouted through the flames engulfing his body. He looked around, to see his new friend Rolling-Rock and the Land-Dolphins alike, with looks on their faces that were mixed with confusion and terror. He spun the revolver in his hand in a Wild West style.

Run and gun, run and gun.

Krieg smirked at his brain’s suggestion.

“Krieg’s Litttle Land Dolphins will be right back after this message clears up the writers block.”

“VARMINTS!”, Granny Smith yelled at the changelings swarming around her, as she threw her stupid Muzzle-loading Equestrian rifle on the ground.  “This shit’s dun been obsolete since the 1700’s.”

An awesome human in a blue button up shirt flew down from the heavens.

“CRY FOR HELP AND I’LL ANSWER THE CALL!”, the man was none other than a hero of legend, known for his working products, suing Luna for plagiarism, and for having a beard that puts all other facial hair to shame.

“Hi, Billy Mays here!” , The awesome dimension traveling salesman silently smiled at the camera to let the viewer take in the sheer awesomeness. He then silently started his pitch.

“Are you tired of magic and shit? Ever just wanted to actually deal with monsters like someone who isn’t a pussy? Are you sick of pussies in other crossovers using magic powers to compensate for their small genitals?”, Billy nonchalantly turned a man with a pathetic beard in a helmet that made him look like damn cow sprinted towards him in an over-dramatic fashion.

“FUS RO-”, the pathetic wanna-be viking was stopped mid-sentence.

“NOPE!”, right as this word escaped Billy’s mouth. The wanna-be was sent flying with an unrelenting force. Billy then turned to the camera and gave a charming smile. “Fuck your dragons. I’m the OG!”

“Let’s try this again!”, Billy was now standing in the ranch in front of a table surrounded by dead changelings. On top of the table, was a rifle that Billy picked up.

“Billy Mays here, localizing the wonderful rifles of Jakobs to  Equestria! I don’t even have to say anything for this one!”, the camera then panned over to Tirek's dead body.

“Jakobs, go fucking buy one!”

Back to the boring old story.

Applejack and Krieg walked out of the now destroyed changeling kingdom. Now on their way to Zecora’s.