Ha! Nope!

'You know, if one would have told me that I would be teleported to a world full of colorful ponies that can fly and use magic, I would have suggested that that particular person should seek professional help as soon as possible. Because come on, that's just absurd!

Well fat fucking chance that the exact thing would happen to me, of all people in the world. Don't get me wrong, the ponies aren't a bad bunch. They're nice and all, but I kind of miss hanging with other humans, y'know? I get sick of talking to creatures that can't even reach my shoulders. Not to mention that I have other more... *ahem* primal needs to sate.

No, I won't get down and dirty with the locals of this world. They're magical alien horses, for God's sake. It wouldn't be right and I'm pretty sure that the ponies wouldn't want to do anything like that with the big, scary bipedal alien thing that unceremoniously dropped from the sky right on their precious pony princess.

I shit you not.

There I was, minding my own business as usual when all of a sudden a freaking portal opens just infront of me. I didn't even have time to react before I dropped through it and landed on a huge, white talking pony-horse princess.

And let me tell you, those shiny tin-can assholes she calls her guards are actually effective in pummeling the shit out of weird creatures who are on top of their ruler.

Err... I probably could have worded that a lot better. Oh well, nothing gained, nothing lost, right? Well, enough backstory! Let's get on with it on why I'm actually here, writing this thing, eh?

First thing's first. I'm Daniel. I'm twenty-two years old, used to live in Colorado, just outside Denver, actually. Now I live in a small apartment in Canterlot, funded by the state, of course since I had none of their money and all I have to do to keep living here is answer the usual barrage of questions coming from Purple-Pokey, or Twilight Sparkle if you want to be boring.

Anyway, I need to go now. I hear the mares approaching.

Well, that usually isn't a problem but for about a week it will be a major issue, because well, they're in heat. That means they're fuckin' insane at the moment and won't leave me, or specifically my pants alone. It's incredibly weird having a tiny colorful horse clinging to your legs, screaming at you what she will do to you once your pants are off, all of it terrifyingly descriptive.

You will get scarred for life, believe me.

Oh shit, they're getting really close now! Gotta run!'

I shut my journal softly, not daring to make excessive sounds that the ponies might hear. I stood up from where I had been hiding and peeked outside from the alley I had spent the latest hour. The street was oddly quiet, despite the town being so big and having such a huge population. I walked slowly down the street, keeping on the lookout for any mare that could be here, hiding. The ponies were spectacularly crafty when they needed to be.

”Look!” I heard a mare shriek. ”Over there, it's the human! With the fingers!” She gasped, which was followed by a dozen more gasps and various screams.

'Oh shit.'

There was no use in trying to blend in or hide, so I just took off running down the street at my personal top speed. I dared a glance back to see about thirteen or so mares chasing me and they were getting close. 'Shit. Shit. Shit SHIT SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITFUCK'

Finally, I saw my one point of escape; a vertical wall that was way too high for the ponies to jump over. I ran toward the wall, jumped toward it and kicked off the wall, reaching with my hands up to the top of it. After about half a minute, I stood at the top of the wall, leaning forward and panting. The mares standing on the street began arguing again, some of them gesturing against me. I started walking down the wall, on the lookout for any pegasi that were in the air. I was lucky though and managed to get almost two blocks down before I jumped off and once again scanned the street for any mares.

None were seen and I saw my apartment complex just down the street. I made a mad dash for the building, jammed my key inside the lock and twisted it so hard the key might've broken in half if it wasn't magically reinforced or some bullshit like that. Once inside, I locked the door and closed all the deadbolts and hatches leading into my apartment.

Hey, it might've costed a bit more but it was totally worth it. No unwanted visitors means no strangers, no strangers means no danger. Well, most of the time. It's not like I enjoy running back and forth everywhere being chased by a mob of insane, lust-filled females.

….God dammit, why couldn't this been back home on earth?

Anyway, I walked into my apartment and slid my backpack off into the hallway. I raised my right arm and smelled. I gagged and nearly threw up, so a shower was probably a good idea... I pulled off my shirt, threw it on a pile of dirty clothes I would clean later today. I stepped into my bathroom, took off the rest of my clothes and walked to the shower

I turned on the water and waited for it to heat up. When I was satisfied with the warmth, I walked into the shower, closed the shower drapes and started humming a song as I cleaned myself from the filth and sweat that made the horrible stink. After I was satisfied with the result, I turned off the water and reached for a towel. I couldn't feel one on the usual spot, but suddenly I got handed one. I stared at the towel for a full minute.

I wrapped the towel around my mid-section and pushed away the drapes.

Now, I'm normally a rather level-headed and calm person. But this? Right there, staring at where my junk is below the towel, stands Princess Celestia and her younger sister, Luna. Their eyes were slightly glassy and their manes were a bit frazzled. Their wings twitched randomly as they kept staring at me.

Needless to say, I screamed and slipped on the wet floor, making the towel around my mid-section soar away on its merry little adventure. I scrambled up from my fall and did the most reasonable thing I could think of.

I punched Princess Celestia in the muzzle, dazing her and pulled down the shower drape and threw it on Luna, then ripped a bathrobe from its hanger and jumped out the nearest window in blind panic.

Oh, and that was just the first day of the heat.

Ain't life in Equestria grand?