Flu

I laid limp on the floor of the abandoned basement, watching Celestia shout at Discord. I couldn't hear a thing, but the look on his face was priceless. Like a puppy getting its nose shoved into shit. I could feel her anger more than anything. A constant stomping hoof sent hearty vibrations through my spine. And despite the obvious sickness that was filling my body and drawing any sense of strength out, I felt myself growing a bit hard as Celestia shouted at Discord.

I felt a dumb smile grow over my face as she screamed in Discord's face, glaring at him for a few minutes as she finished up. It felt good, I knew I was supposed to be the dominant one, the one who took charge, but watching her tower over me, screaming at a smug prick I hated, it was wonderful.

Celestia finished up with Discord and trotted over to me, throwing me over her back and letting me lay limp across her body. It felt strange, I'd transported wounded men in much the same fashion, and the constant up and down as her hips shifted was slightly nauseating. But just before reaching the stairs I found a perfect picture.

Discord was standing with his hands together, looking genuinely shook up. I loved it. My only interaction with Discord had been him thinking he was funny and generally making me resent him, and seeing this, it was outstanding. As a final topper, using every last bit of my strength, I flipped Discord off, laughing lightly as he disappeared under the stairs.

I went completely limp, letting my instantly plagued body lay across my horse's back not unlike back home. I was taking the place of so many wounded men we'd dragged back to camp, so many dying men crying out on the rump of a horse. Granted my situation was heading through the fancy streets of a pony city, carried by what I could only call my fuck buddy, towards a warm bed. All that without having to worry about amputation or gangrene.

It all felt too warm, too kindly. I'd been infected by a sickly asshole, and just as quickly plucked from the ground by an angry goddess and now I was holding on for my life as she took to the air. I closed my eyes, trying to shut out the rushing wind as I was pulled through the air.

"Able, can you hear me!?" Celestia asked, her voice still horridly swimmy in my ears, "Able!?"

"I fuckin fine!" I shouted, limply flailing my right arm against her ass, "I've had- flu-seventy-six! This ain't- shit...."

Celestia craned her head back, head bobbing as we landed with a loud metallic clack. "I don't know what that is."

I let out a constant low groan as I opened my eyes. "Deadly deadly poison! It's like...super A.I.D.S. only without the gay...."

I wanted as Celestia walked from the balcony into her room. I felt myself lift up under her magical grip, settling me down with a soft flop and drawing a series of cover over me. "Still doesn't tell me much." she looked me over, frowning hard, "It looks like Grounders...."

I tried to flail free of the childish treatment, "Get off me! I'm- oh god let me go!" I screamed, feeling a horrid sensation rise in my gut, "Celestia let- out of here now!"

Celestia kept her magic drawing and tucking blankets over me, "Shhhh, it's okay, I'll take care of--"

"No you won't!" I screamed, rolling as hard as I could, "Get clear, fuckin get cl-Uuurghk--" I felt my stomach try to crawl out my mouth, spewing what looked like grapefruit on the cold stone floor, "Holy shi- Huuughrk--" I continued to paint the floor a bright fluorescent pink. "Oh god...what-thefuckdidIeat--"

I continued to explode, Celestia gingerly placing a hoof on my back, "Able...it's okay, just let it--"

"Fuck off!" I screamed, reeling my arm back and throwing her off. "Just don't...don't touch me right now." I knelt, hands and knees pressed against the floor as the viscous slime poured from my mouth.

Celestia started tapping her hooves, "I'm going to go get a bucket...and some servants."

I just knelt there, trying to spit the bile out. "Fine...just...just go." I rolled onto my side, my body beginning to ache and my stomach still trying to send my breakfast to the ground. My life was a true misery, at least for these few moments. The problem was, that was how I lived my life, moments. Just because one was good, doesn't mean the next isn't going to completely ruin it. And unfortunately the bad often outweigh the good.

The surprisingly warm floor only seemed to make things worse. And so with great care, and a losing a boot, I scrambled onto the balcony and laid against a pile of snow in the corner. I curled up around it, trying to form into a ball of in-existence as my stomach tried to flip inside out. I slowly went to sleep against the slowly slushifying snow, letting the cold draw away the horridly nauseating warmth. I felt bad for puking on her floor, I felt bad for not cleaning it up, but I felt bad for a lot of things before that.

I felt bad for shoving my fist inside her, I felt bad for insulting her subjects, I felt bad for not talking to Luna more. But right now, I just felt bad, and no amount of thinking or bitching was going to change that. A snow nap, something to eat, and a few pills might.

I woke up in a strange place, six faces surrounding me, two in strange looking suits. "Oh fuck...horses." I mumbled, trying to stand. I found my arms bound under a tightly stretched sheet, my body fucked into something overly cushy and hot. I tried to look around, my view cut off by an over sized pillow, the corner of which seemed to frame my world.

The purple faced one looked at the others, "Um...good morning?"

I stared wobbly at her, feeling as if someone was pressing their thumb into the inner corner of my right brow. "...Yo."

The others looked me over, one of them with the suits craning themselves over me and staring into my left eye. I tried to lean away, the pony leaning closer in response. I could feel my heart speed up as I realized just how trapped I was. "Hey can you no-uugh-not!?"

The face slowly retracted, the bright blue eyes behind it looking rather dejected. I looked around at the other multicolored faces, growing slightly perturbed at their staring. I locked eyes with the purple one, watching her start to blush as I bored a hole in her skull, praying for something stupid like laser-vision. "Um...hi...hello...I'm- I'm Twilight Spar--"

"The fuck is my white horse?" I snarled indignantly, spotting a purple maned one cocking her head at me, "...Not you...you can stay though...."

The purple mane nodded. "See, I told you he'd be pol--"

"Now seriously...can someone find me my white horse.... Celestia...the kinky bitch...."

The room went icy, bitter stares leveled at me from a few of the ponies. The purple mane scrunched up her muzzle and swung herself to the door, "I'll go...better I leave before I say something I'd regret...or that I wouldn't."

I watched the agitated unicorn wander off, leaving me along with the furious herd. I looked at each one, laughing slightly at one of the ones in the suits, "...Hazard suit...with a cowboy hat on top." I tried to rub my face in shared shame but failed, my arms still bound tight to my sides. "Eh...no worse than Nathan."

The ponies looked over each other, eventually taking a few steps back and chatting amongst themselves. By the end of it only two remained, two and a half if you count someone watching from the doorway. A yellow mare, trying to hide behind her bangs and the purple one flanked me on either side. I snapped my head back and forth between the two, eventually spotting a pair of magenta eyes staring at me from the door. "...Bitch don't stare at me...." I grumbled, locking eyes with her.

Our glares intensified, blocking out the rest of the world. Only two things mattered, neither one of us was going to back down, and that color was outstanding.

Eventually a soft tapping caught my attention, not enough to pull me away from my staring contest but still enough to direct me to a different moment, "Um...Mr. Able...please be nice...if that's okay." A soft, almost pained voice whimpered.

I tried to wiggle free of my cloth tomb, "This is me playing nice.... Bitch you get your ass in this room!" I shouted, my anger and annoyance distracting from the fatigue and nausea, "I know you can hear me, now you gonna be a pussy or you gonna come in here!?"

The set of doorway eyes narrowed, giving way to a whole blue pegasus, "You're a jerk, ya know that!"

I mocked her, watching as she flew to the edge of Celestia's bed and stepped up, "Oh you'd know a jerk ya' god damn Quebecoise! Rainbow headed twat!"

The livid mare stepped onto my chest, keeping her back legs off my somewhat tender body, "Oh yeah? Better than being some grungy animal, w-with patchy hair and a weird nose! It looks like a beak!"

"Oh fuck no- Oh fuck- Oh- god damn it...." I stopped my flailing, my arms unable to free themselves from the tight sheets, "...Can someone like...loosen these?"

The room went silent again, the trio looking at each other. The purple one leaned her head over me, "Um...I don't think that's a good idea."

I turned my head to her, making a defeated expression. "It's hard to yell at people like this...please?"

The mare started growing redder and redder as I stared at her, doubling my efforts to look pitiful. Eventually I felt my arms get just enough leniency to pull free, "There...but we need to set up some ground rules. First off now swea--"

I yanked my arms out of the sheets, nearly causing what little remained in my stomach to slosh out of my mouth, "Listen you little-urk-shit, I'm the one with the dick here! You're just a hole, ya little bint!" I shouted at the blue mare, poking her chest.

The mare matched my aggressive pose by bopping her forehead against mine and hardening her glare, "You know you're lucky you've got Grounder's, otherwise--"

I pushed her back a step, keeping our foreheads pressed together. "I don't even know what Grounder's is! And if that was a threat we're gonna throw the hell down!"

The mare pressed hard against my head, "Oh you wanna do this that hard way!? We can do this the--"

"Rainbow Dash!" The purple one snapped, stomping her hoof, "He's obviously not--"

I planted my palm against Rainbow Dash's head, pushing her back and turning to the purple one, "Bitch, this is between me and the homosexual horse! Not you!"

Rainbow Dash's hoof caught my cheek, reuniting our foreheads and holding me in place, "Did you just call me gay!?" She snapped, planting her forelegs into my pecs, "You're gay!"

I grabbed her by the shoulder, "I'll show you gay! I'll work you like a damn puppet!"

She grew bright pink, wings flying open, "I- you- you're a jerk!"

"Come here, let me show you just how much of a jerk I am!" I yelled, throwing the covers back and sliding my back against the headboard, "Come here!" I held my hands out, fronting at her.

"No!" Rainbow Dash yelped, taking a few more steps back, "You're such a creep!"

"I know...now are you gonna get over here or what?" I asked, leveling out my tone.

"Why should I?"

"Because I'm asking nicely now...." I stated rather dryly, "I wouldn't be planning something bad and ask nicely."

The mares looked at each other for another few moments, leaving my arms hanging in the breeze. Eventually the rainbow mane tiptoed within striking distance. "Fine, but if you--" I cut her off, pulling her against me and putting her in a headlock.

"lesson one, never trust me!" I held her against my chest, keeping my arm bent just enough that she couldn't pull her head through. "Now call yourself gay!" I demanded, moving my free hand to her rear and pinching the dock of her tail. I continued to increase the pressure as the others tried to pull my arms apart, "You stay out of this!" I snapped, causing the yellow mare to jump back, "This is between me and the gay!"

"I'm not--" I cut her off, grabbing the whole base of her tail and squeezing it, "Ow, ow, ow--"

"Say it!"

"No!"

"Ye--" I stopped dead as she managed to dig her back leg in against my gut, "Oh god, go go go go!" I yelled, releasing her and shoving her back. Rainbow Dash jumped off the bed, leaving me to scramble for the side. "Bucket!" I yelled, leaning my face off the side of the bed, "Bucket!"

The ponies went into a mild panic, eventually a metal bin found its way into my hands just in time to catch the very last vestiges of my recent meals. The ponies remaining in the room watched as I hurled into the bucket. "Oh god...my insides hurt...." I grumbled, cutting off any trails and setting the bucket down. I took a deep breath, "Oh shit...thanks Twilight...."

"No- wait...huh!?" she shot upright, cocking her head at me, "How do you- I- what!?"

I settled back into the bed, "I might have...been fucking with you-" I wiped off my face, "- Luna and I talked about you...you and the other elemental weirdos...."

Twilight just stared at me, "But then- you know why we came? Then why did you yell!?"

I turned to her with an exasperated expression, "Because yelling is fun...and your friend there is the first pony to actually put up a decent fight."

Twilight frowned hard, "You were in the dungeon--"

"I meant a mental fight. Now, go talk to Luna...I'm gonna take a nap...sleep this crap off." I turned away from the group, curling into the bed and throwing my arms over my head to block out any light. "Now go away...just because I fucked your princess doesn't make me your...prince, I don't even know anymore."

"What!?" Twilight snapped, her voice nearly cracking, "You- Celestia- just what!?"

I grumbled, nuzzling the bed, "She likes it rough...now wake me up when I can go home."