The Yell

I walked down the hall, heading towards the throne room. I had one single thing to do, one speech to give. One apology to make and one wrong to right. My path was clear as ever, my goal simple.

I was greeted by two guards, both glaring at me. I ignored them both, brushing them off and hurrying into the main room. Finding a huge crowd lining the halls. I felt watched by thousands as I walked slowly towards the other end of the room. My boots tapped heartily against the cold marble floor.

At the far end of the room stood Twilight and Celestia, side by side, watching me approach. Celestia was smiling warmly while Twilight was just trying to keep from scowling. I ignored them all, hurrying along until I was mere feet from the. I gathered myself, feeling the heavy gaze of the ponies in the room land square on my back.

"Able, my subjects are expecting and apology." Celestia stated, looking out over the crowd. "And I--"

"Well I'm not gonna give it to them." I said with a cool, calm expression. "Because you know what...ever since I agreed to calm down I realized something." I walked up to the first step, planting the base of my heel against the edge of the step. "Voices, visions, questions, things I never had to deal with back home. Things I never had to think about while screaming and clawing my way through the mud."

I turned to the crowd, slowly scanning them. "I'll apologize for my vulgarity, my tactlessness, but I won't apologize for yelling, for being mean, for being a brash hot headed maniac. Why? Because that anger, that rage, is keeping me sane."

"Able this isn't--"

I spun around, pointing my finger high at Celestia, "Let me finish!" I snapped, swinging myself back to the crowd. "My name is Able, my family is my life, and what I'm about to tell you, I did for them." I rubbed my throat, "Two years ago, two winters ago I joined up with a peace keeping force, they were offering food and security for volunteers and people willing to join their cause. I joined up...what else was I going to do?"

I turned, making sure to show myself off to the entire herd, "I was always a jerk. I was a jerk to my sister, I was a jerk to my horse, I was a jerk to everyone. But after I joined, after I started fighting it got worse. I started screaming, I started swearing. I kept everyone away from me, I let no one near me, and I shoved everyone away. Why!? A reason one of you understands, a reason only one of you fucking horse people could ever fathom--"

"Able don't!" Celestia snapped, jumping from her throne.

I took a few backwards steps from the throne. "One person, one mare, who could understand why I would do such a thing. A thing I'm sure she's done herself, something she's done for uncountable reason. Love, anger, defense--"

"Able stop!" Celestia boomed, stomping her hoof.

"Or maybe she's like me. Maybe she did it to keep from hurting." I stepped towards her, "Maybe she screams at ponies in secret, ponies she loves, ponies she cares about. Maybe she knows that she'll outlive them...." I watched Celestia's harsh stare falter, turning softer and weaker as I disarmed my own, "Maybe she knows...that no matter how much you care about someone, no matter how much you want to protect them, keep them safe, some times you just cant. And maybe she understands it's easier to push things away, to not let them take root."

The crowd murmured slightly as I paced around the room, "Maybe you people, ponies, maybe you can understand this. It's easier to pull a weed, than to uproot a tree. Trees are beautiful though, trees are nice, good things. And they are...but when you know that tree, that weed, is going to just get ripped away, torn from you at a moment's notice, you have to think. Which hurts less, tearing huge chunks of earth out as a tree is ripped from the ground, or plucking a weed."

"And what about when a tree is torn away? What about when there's a gaping hole left in its wake!? Do we just pretend it's not there!? Do we live our lives pretending it's fine!?" I held my hands out, begging to god to make them understand, "I scream, I yell, I berate and insult to fill the gap. If I don't, if I let things go silent, noiseless, I think. When I think, I think of how insignificant I am, how helpless I am, how pointless my life is. And when I try to grab onto something, try to pull myself out of it, I leave myself another gaping wound, another chunk of earth torn away...so I yell, I yell because the alternative is killing me, the alternative is letting myself die, letting myself sit, motionless, pointless until I die!"

I turned to Celestia, "So I won't apologize, I won't apologize for this, I won't apologize for what I did, because you know what!" I pushed Celestia, forcing her back a step, "I trusted you! I came to you, looking for something, someone to help me. Maybe I didn't know it, maybe I couldn't tell- I don't know! But Celestia...I came to you for help, I came to you cause I thought you understood and you- you let me touch you, not out of love or kindness, but of lust...out of gratification." I slowly held my arms out, "And now...I think even if you tried...even if you came to me in earnest...trying to be there, trying to calm the voices, trying to save me...I think I'll always have that doubt, that doubt that I'm just some tool."

Things went dead silent, the crowd waiting for me to say something, anything. I broke away from Celestia. "I wanted to believe...I think part of me might, and part of me is hoping against everything that you actually cared, but the more I think, the quieter and calmer you force me to be...I just- I need to leave, I need to go home. I don't belong here, I'm a vicious god damn animal, I'm a evil thing, I became an evil thing for the people I care about and that's my fucking choice!"

I swung around to the crowd, "I'm the rat bastard!" I felt the device on my person tighten up, acting to fuel my rage, "I'm the evil fuck! I'm the heartless bastard the world needed me to be! The one my family needed me to be! I'm the living fucking sacrifice, and I won't apologize for what I am! I won't apologize for ruining myself for the sake of others!"

I felt a dark haze, a pain growing to a numbing degree from my legs. "I'm the heartless fuck, I'm the killer, the monster. But I chose this for a reason, I chose this for the same fucking reason as she did!" I swung my arm to Celestia, "To the people you love safe, to sacrifice what you are, what you were, all for the people you care for, the people that need that sacrifice, but are too weak, too afraid or unwilling to ask for it! Your princess...Celestia." I turned to her, falling to my knees from the blinding pain. "...You know the smell of blood...the feeling of cutting part of your soul away...you tried to reach out, and I- I took what could have been a beautiful moment...a rebirth, a chance to get what I was back and I bastardized it. Turned it into something perverted, dark, something I thought I could just toss away...but I can't. I can't just pretend that it didn't chance how I view you...or how you view me...."

"Able, sweetie, ride's here!" Discord's mocking voice broke my thoughts asunder.

"Celestia...I'm sorry, but I don't think I can apologize." I collapsed against the hard marble floor, spreading out and going limp as the numbness took me over.