The Doompie Chronicles: Book 1

Now, don't get me wrong, Sleipniiir is a great guy. He is currently and he was when we worked together on the network... but... ehehehe... when the next morning came... well... things went downhill... and fast. I woke up in my bed and, for some reason, didn't want to go back to sleep. Yes, that's a totally new thing to me. I got up and walked to the kitchen of the small housing complex next to the royal bedroom. Only Emil and Endy were there, both were sitting at the massive table sipping at coffee and talking. Endy was making bad jokes whenever he could and of course, Emil was talking about things... you know what things I mean.

I joined them, skipping out on the coffee because I absolutely hate the taste of coffee. I didn't join in the conversation, I just sat and listened. It felt like an eternity, but someone else finally entered the room. Sleipniiir in his new female alicorn body waltzed in happily, a huge smile slammed across his face. "Guys, you would not believe how awesome it is to be in this body!" he said joyfully. "I can fly and use magic that is stronger than any other pony in Equestria!"

"Fascinating," I replied sarcastically.

"But that's not all!" he continued. "You would not believe how awesome it is to have a vagina!"

Emil spat his coffee all over Endy's face. "What do you mean?" Emil asked with a burning interest.

"It's better than being a guy three fourths of the time!" he reiterated.

"Three fourths of the time?" I questioned.

"I'm just guessing Celestia still has periods, so that's one week out of every four."

"Makes sense," I said. "Continue."

"The masturbation feels so much better than when you're a guy!" Sleip yelled.

Endy spat his coffee all over Emil's torso, but Emil wasn't really in the position to care. He was drooling at the thought of it. "What?!" Endy hollered, very confused (just like me).

"It feels so fucking amazing!" he repeated, pausing right afterwards. "On that note, I'll be back in a little bit, I'm going for round twenty-three!"

"TWENTY-THREE?!!" Endy and I hollered in perfect unison.

"Were you playing with yourself all night?" I asked, sincerely concerned.

"Yeah!" he called back, slamming his door.

Endy and I looked over at Emil slowly. His tongue was hanging out and dripping saliva onto the table. His cock was growing to a noticeable size under him. "I think I'm gonna go join him!" Emil told us.

I hit him on the head again. "NO! NO SLEIPNIIIR SEXY TIME! BAD EMIL! BAD BOY!"

"Besides, getting there, you might Sleip-niiir on your own drool!" Endy laughed.

"You shut the fuck up!" I snapped, bopping Endy on the head as well. "And so, Sleipniiir gets annoying trait, too! I swear, this one is going to be the worst!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Emil interrupted me, "but whatever's gotten into Sleip is a GREAT thing!"

I facehoofed. "We're fucked."

"Emil especially, if he gets in there with Sleip!" Endy pointed out.

"You'll be dead if you keep on with that shit!" I huffed.

Backslasherton and Intrapulation walked in, Backslasherton with a cheerful expression, Intrapulation looking like he had just got hit by a train or something.

"I couldn't sleep last night," Trap moaned quietly. "Sleipniiir was making too much noise."

"He was soothing ME to sleep," Slasherton chirped.

"I'm glad he's enjoying himself, but I need my sleep, man." Trap wobbled over to the table and sat down with a plop.

"I'll take your room if you really want me to, Trap," I spoke up.

"That'd help a lot." Trap yawned. "Thanks, buddy. I'd hug you, but I'm too tired."

"It's nothing," I waved it off. "I don't think it can get that much worse than this, though." I realized what I had just said... I feel to my knees... or leg joints... or whatever the fuck you call them and screamed, "DAMN YOU, WRITER! YOU WILL MAKE SURE IT GETS WORSE, WON'T YOU?! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

Nopony else said anything or questioned the fact that I had just screamed that... don't ask me why, they just didn't. We suddenly heard a scream from the royal bedroom. "Well, I've had just about enough of this shit!" I said casually, getting up and walking over to the door to my new room. "I'll be in here writing the word "fuck" over and over if you need me." With that, I slammed the door. I opened it again, remembering to add one more thing, "Don't need me."

For the rest of the day, Sleipniiir was gone from his bedroom, which was good because that meant I could finally get some time to think. I just took the time to think of my old life as a human, my old friends, the girls I was interested in, the stupid shit I'd do all the time. It was fun to reminisce on the good stuff... the bad stuff, not so much. Finally, nighttime came over Equestria like Sleipniiir probably came all over his bedroom. Speaking of him, he caused another problem for me that night.

You see, I couldn't sleep all night. I wasn't happy about that, either. The walls in that particular section of the castle were paper thin OR Sleip was being REALLY loud. This time, though, he wasn't masturbating. This time, he was having sex with somepony... very, very hard sex. He was yelling Flash Sentry's name as loud as he could, so I would only assume it was Flash Sentry, but I was curious as to why he was in Canterlot. I was pretty sure he worked in the Crystal Empire's royal guard. My best guess was that he just got the night off, courtesy of who he thought was Celestia.

On that note, I wish to explain something... Nopony noticed Sleipniiir's voice except the Doompie guys. We were the only ones who heard the voice change. Either everypony else just didn't hear the difference or they didn't really pay attention to the voice at all. Either way, Sleipniiir was Celestia as far as all the ponies of Equestria knew.

Back to Sleip having sex with Flash Sentry. Now, when I say, they were being loud, I mean THEY WERE BEING SUPER FUCKING “OH MY GOD MY EARS” LOUD. It sounded like something out of hardcore porn… not that I would know what that sounds like, I’m just saying I’d assume that… you know what, fuck it. I’m a teenager, so people would assume I watch that shit anyway!... But regardless of that, it was ear-busting loud. Sleip wouldn’t stop screaming Flash’s name or “fuck me hard!” With every thrust , Flashlight shippers died a little on the inside and so did I, knowing that Flash believed he was having sex with royalty when he was really just having sex with some guy that had the body of Princess Celestia. Even worse, that guy was Sleipniiir…

I had pulled an all-nighter or two when I was around thirteen, so I wasn’t a stranger to lack of sleep. Hell, I’ve lost so much sleep in my life that I have permanent dark circles under my eyes. Nobody would shut the fuck up about me looking tired. That night, though, was a night where I hadn’t taken any of my standard medication that keeps me from complete and utter insanity, including my stimulant which made sure I was awake and had an attention span better than that of a bicycle. That meant that I was pretty much stricken with lethargy from the moment my brain shouted “wake up, dumbass!”

That also means that I was extra pissed off.

I walked out into the kitchen, grabbed a mug of coffee and filled it with a fuck-ton of cream and sugar so it didn’t hurt me with the horrible taste. I’ve never liked coffee, personally. My taste buds just tend to scream in pain whenever they meet coffee in any of its forms. So I sat down with my cream and sugar that had a little bit of coffee in it and began to sip at it, holding it with my newly-acquired magic in hopes that it would wake me up. “Note to self,” I muttered. “Find a psychiatrist to give me a goddamn stimulant as soon as possible.”

With a very large smile, Sleipniiir walked out of his bedroom humming “All Day I Dream About Sex,” normally just shortened to “A.D.I.D.A.S.” by Korn. He grabbed some straight black coffee and started chugging it. He finished, slamming the mug on the counter and letting out a satisfied breath. He paused and made a face like he had just gotten an idea. “I wonder if I can change the Canterlot anthem to that,” he pondered. I sighed in annoyance.

“There’s another thing that points to him being our antagonist for this story,” I uttered after a sip of coffee. He turned to face me, hearing my voice ring out across the room. “Good morning, asshole,” I growled angrily.

“Good morning, Chesterfield!” he chirped happily. “What’s going on?”

“What’s going on?” I asked, my rage hitting its maximum level of containment. “What’s going on?! WHAT’S GOING ON?!?! I COULDN’T GET ANY FUCKING SLEEP LAST NIGHT BECAUSE OF YOU AND FUCK SEX-TRY!”

“Don’t make those kinds of puns,” Sleip interrupted. “Leave the shitty jokes to Endy.”

“And leave the sex addiction to you, I’m guessing?” I asked sarcastically.

“Please do,” he confirmed, totally ignoring my sarcasm.

“Jesus fucking Christ; Rage Reviews is going to have a fucking field day with this story.” I got up from my seat, finishing off my coffee. Turning towards Intrapulation’s new room, I went to go ask him and Backslasherton (since they seemed to be sharing a room together for some reason. Don’t worry, they weren’t doing anything like that) about ideas on what to do about Sleipniiir.

“I’m fine with whatever my friends want to do,” Trap said unhelpfully.

“The noises are actually kind of soothing from here, so I’m fine with how it is right now,” Slasherton smiled idiotically.

“Goddammit, we need ideas here!” I huffed. “You know what? Call everyone except for Sleipniiir out into the kitchen near his door. It’s high time we had a discussion about this shit!” With that, I went back into the kitchen to wait for everyone to come out for the group discussion…