The Doompie Chronicles: Book 1

Backslasherton’s navy blue coat caught one guard’s eye as he passed by the scene of the double murder. “SIR!” the guard barked. “I would like to know if you saw anything that happened here!”

Backslasherton looked at the corpses, the blood getting slightly dry underneath them. “I’m not sure what happened here, but I’m sure those ponies had done something to deserve it.”

“That is a very suspicious statement, sir,” the second guard interrupted. “You aren’t lying to us, are you?”

“Of course not!” Slasherton replied with a smile. “I’d never have the stomach to do that myself. At least I’m not the victim! That would be terrible.”

The guards eyed Slasherton carefully. He had no horn, just wings, so it was unlikely that he was capable of doing it, even if he could get a grip on a sword. “I’m just gonna be on my way,” Slasherton chirped. “You guys have a nice day! Good luck with finding out who did that!” With that, Backslasherton proceeded to skip along the road, getting strange looks from all ponies that saw him. Finally, Slasherton passed an alleyway… where he was pulled in by a grey hoof.

“I got him!” Emil hissed over to me. “He’s not struggling at all!”

“Of course not!” Slasherton spoke up. “Why would I run away from something that could be super nice?”

“Well, what if we were mugging you?” I asked.

“At least I wouldn’t die?”

“What if we were going to rape you?” Endy chimed in. I shot him a dirty look for bringing that up with such a light tone of voice, but he didn’t see me. Hell, I’m not even sure I saw him. After all, we both have black coats so we blend in pretty damn well in a dark alley.

“I still probably wouldn’t die!” Slasherton reiterated.

“Well, we got another, idiot with an annoying trait.” I sighed and stepped forward. “Emil, you can let go of him. It’s me, Chesterfield. We also have Intrapulation and Endy, but Endy blends in pretty fucking well with the background here.”

Intrapulation bear hugged Slasherton. Slasherton giggled and hugged him back. “I was so worried!” Trap said, squeezing Slasherton to the point where his spinal column could be heard cracking.

“Yeah, yeah, reuniting friends, whatever!” I passed them off. “We still have to find Jameson, Sleipniiir and HeroAbsol.”

“Hero might not have come here since he’s all the way in Sweden,” Emil began. “He might have appeared somewhere far from here.”

“Thank you for actually explaining something pertaining to the story, Emil,” I said. “It helps a lot more. We only need to find two more in that case.”

“Where would Jameson be?” Endy asked, stepping forward.

Princess Celestia stepped out of her chariot and onto the dirt road. There she stood, staring at two houses. Well, that’s not true. She was actually staring at what was between the two houses… the corpses of Snips and some red and black Alicorn OC with a troubled past. “This is not good,” Celestia mumbled. She turned to her guards. “Go take a break. You could probably use the rest and I might be a while.”

The guards nodded and walked off. From down the street in the same place he had spotted his earlier victims, Jameson stared at the white pony princess examining his (and Phillip’s) handiwork. Jameson suddenly turned to look at his sword. He lifted his ear closer to it and paused. “Kill the princess?” he asked. “Why would I do that, Phillip? We could get killed if they find out.”

Another long pause came over Jameson as he listened to what seemed like nothing. His mouth formed into a smile slowly. “And if we take over after she’s dead, we can kill anypony we want to!” Jameson pranced in place like an excited school filly. “Phillip, you’re a genius! And, you know what they say! When life gives you razor blades, you make a baseball bat covered in razor blades!”

The princess was trying to read the final thoughts of the stupid-looking Alicorn, but something interrupted her. Her back leg was burning quite a bit. She turned back to see a silver sword sticking straight through her leg. The sword pulled out, bringing a gush of bright red blood along with it. It was swiftly twirled around and then plunged into her side, knocking her over. Jameson got to the side of Celestia as he jammed his sword right underneath her horn to tear it off. Celestia emitted an ear-piercing scream as the boney structure was separated from her body. “This was a brilliant idea Phillip!” Jameson laughed maniacally. He swiftly cut open the side of Celestia’s body and began randomly stabbing at her internal organs, each one splattering more blood onto his (previously) pristine white coat and mane. She had stopped moving by the time he was done.

“That was fun, Phillip!” Jameson said joyfully as he looked over his newest accomplishment. “What will we do with the body, though?” Jameson listened intently to his imaginary friend. “Okay, so we just leave it here?” Silence again came as Jameson listened. “The natural scheme of things will take care of it for us! Okay! You’ve never steered me wrong before, Phillip!”

“Now THAT was some crazy shit,” A deep voice rang out from the alleyway that contained Jameson’s “art” gallery. Celestia’s wounds began to spontaneously close and her horn began to grow back. “Why do I feel like shit on my body is closing up?” the voice said, resonating from Celestia. She slowly stood up, wobbling a little. Okay, so, I’m obviously a pony with white hooves, but why do I have these gold things on the bottoms of them?” She looked behind her. What she saw made her emit another ear-piercing scream. What was strange was… it was in a deep voice that nobody noticed… nobody except the five of us that were talking in the alleyway.

“That’s a hell of a familiar voice?” I muttered as the other four guys continued talking. “Why does it sound so familiar?”

“I’m walkin’ on sunshine! Woah! I’m walkin’ on sunshine! Woah!” Jameson sang as he joyfully sauntered down the street, I stared with complete astonishment. He was carrying a blood-stained sword and he was wearing a blood-stained coat and mane… I personally didn’t want to know about that, but still! Either way, I knew the voice belonged to Jameson and so I ran out of the alleyway and caught up to him.

“Jameson! It’s me! Chesterfield!” I called. Jameson turned and smiled. “Come back here, man! We were looking for you!”

I lead him back to the other four who were ecstatic to be reunited with another friend, especially Intrapulation, but by now you should’ve expected that.

“Wait guys,” Jameson said, interrupting our rejoice over finding one of the last Doompie readers. Jameson just stood there, his ear twitching slightly as if he were listening to someone. “Okay, I won’t, Phillip,” he said randomly.

“Phillip?” I asked. “Who the fuck is Phillip?”

“He’s my friend,” Jameson laughed. “He helps me with everything and he never makes wrong decisions, so I obey him always,” Jameson continued, bringing his sword in and hugging it as if it were a significant other to him.

“What the actual fuck is wrong with you, Jameson?” I asked. “Alright, WHOEVER IS WRITING THIS, I WANT OUT! PLEASE! PLEASE GET ME OUTTA HERE!” No help came, obviously. “It was worth a shot. Anyways, now all we need to find is Sleipniir and then we can get the hell out of here.

“But what about my pony pusspuss?” Emil questioned with the whine of a child.

“We’ll buy you a Dakimakura when we get back,” I huffed.

“What the hell is going on?” the soul trapped in Celestia wondered to himself. “Why am I here and more importantly, why am I Princess Celestia?” He stepped out of the alleyway and began looking around to see if he could find anyone to help him. Nobody. He remembered, “I have wings now. I’ll just search from the sky!” He began to flap his wings until he was able to see over the houses. Wobbling in the air, he slowly and cautiously began to fly over Ponyville, carefully scanning the streets for anyone he could recognize.

He didn’t really recognize their faces, but he heard some familiar voices coming from an alley down below. He could’ve sworn… No, they couldn’t be here!

“Guys, is that you?” he called landing outside the alleyway.

I looked over at the princess who was looking at me in disbelief. His gaze scanned all of us with the same pure astonishment. Jameson gave him the same look. ”Phillip killed you!” he muttered.

“What? No! It’s me, Sleipniiir!” the Celestia said.

“It does sound like him,” I admitted.

“It is me, asshole,” Sleipniiir grunted. “Look, if I’m the princess, I should be able to get you guys places to stay in the castle, right? Let’s go there and discuss this when everyone’s had some rest.”

“Works for me,” Emil agreed. “I’m betting there are some hot maids at that castle!”

“Just don’t SLEIP on your way out of the alley!” Endy laughed. I hit him on the head again.

"Let's all just go and get some rest. We'll discuss this later," I sighed. Sleip turned and started walking the other way. I quickly followed behind him and the others behind me. We took the train to Canterlot and we were assigned rooms of our own in the castle, blah, blah, blah. Details are a thing.

I was left in my room alone thinking to myself what Sleipniiir's trait was. Emil was insanely horny, Intrapulation was really over-attached to his friends to the point where it's creepy, Endy is essentially a bad stand-up comedian who doesn't know when to stop, Backslasherton is WAY too optimistic about everything and Jameson is a fucking psychopath! I also noticed that I break the 4th wall of the story constantly. What could Sleipniiir's strange little quirk be?

... A big problem... that's what it could be.