I flew in and Twilight was hanging by the rafters, noose around her neck. Her wings were loosely at her sides. Like usual she wasn't wearing her fancy new crown and hoof things. She looked so peaceful, but as much as I wished otherwise I knew she probably wasn't really asleep. I sighed.

"Wasn't this like the second thing you tried?"

Her eyes opened and she waved. "Hi Dash." She laughed. "Yea, I'm low on ideas, and figured I'd give a it another try using that new paralyzing agent I've been using lately. I figure it should keep my wings paralyzed for at least another hour."

I nodded. "Okay, so I guess that explains why you haven't got yourself down but shouldn’t you be less talky."

"That's sort of the point yes, but today I really failed. I still forget about the earth pony stamina and strength. I mean the wings are obvious but an alicorn…"

"Isn't just a unicorn with a horn. I know."

"In fact all earth ponies are immune to hanging unless they're unusually thin and frail. They're so resistant to damage the drop usually isn't enough to break their spine, at least the first time, it does do some damage, and the rope has notably more give then an earth pony neck so like me they can keep breathing with little trouble."

"Yea, that's so interesting. Totally awesome, really. So…I don't suppose you were actually taking a nap were you."

Twi laughed again. "Oh don't be silly. That would be a terrible waste of time."

"Yea, terrible."

Princess Celestia gave Twi a really fancy list of things to remember about being an alicorn. Twilight loved it of course. At the time I thought it was silly of her to start the list in big bold type saying "Alicorns still need to sleep" and repeating the same idea in similarly oversized text over the course of the list. Now I get no matter how awesome a friend I am, Celestia still knows some stuff about Twi I don't. I mean I knew she stayed up late, but I didn't get how much she tried to sleep as little as possible. Then I realized Twi was still hanging there.

"You're still doing that…" I paused

"Courteous suicide methodology."

"Yea, that. Cause trying to kill yourself and thinking of others totally go hoof and hoof."

Twilight blinked. "I think even Pinkie might have noticed that level of sarcasm, but I don't quite get what you're implying?"

I sighed. Sometimes it can be so easy to forget Twi is thundercloud for a bed crazy. Rarity said Twi's love of sarcasm is rubbing off on me, and she might be right, but it could also be some of the books I've been reading. I see the serrated knife sitting on a table right next to the staircase where she tied the other end of the rope. Of course while losing sleep is really bad for alicorns sanity wise it still might not be a quick fix. I'm okay with that. I wanted Twi back to normal as fast as possible, but things did not turn out close to what I hoped for. She then fell to the ground with a thump.

"In retrospect I probably should have waited until you got here."

I turned around to she her smiling, wings still hanging limply. "Camph frou…" I put the knife back on the table. "Can you do something about that?"

She looked at her back. "Oh, that could be inconvenient." There was a flash and she raised her wings then folded them at her sides. "Better?"

"Yea. So Spike has been called off to Canterlot again?"

She nodded. "Oh yes. It's good he's accepted more responsibility but I miss him."

I sighed and followed her outside. Of course that wasn't the reason at all. It started with comforting Celestia in the beginning. I was ready to beat her bloody when it turned out "Twilight Sparkle killed herself. Come at once." Was all she wrote until I saw the note. Celestia wasn't pranking us, it was all she could manage to write, and even that was almost illegible. Her horn writing is really fancy and complex normally. I also finally figured out what exactly Twilight is to Spike, a big sister, while Celestia is his mom. I try not to think of what Celestia looked like when we finally saw her. Seeing Twilight had been depressing, but seeing Celestia was terrifying.

"Dash, what's that look? Are you okay?"

I blinked, not realizing I stopped. "Oh, yea, sorry. Just thinking about…"

Twilight shook her head. "Stop being silly. I'm all better now. My life is great."

"So great you are constantly killing yourself." I rolled my eyes

She blinked. "Huh, what does that have to do with anything."

I face hooved. I wanted to argue. In the past I had, many times, but slowly I figured out it was as pointless as arguing with Pinkie. I think Pinkie has a much firmer grasp on reality, but I've never been sure about that. I think Twilight is right that sometimes Pinkie is just messing with us. I still don't understand how that one time in the balloon she got me from arguing for using hot sauce instead of water to arguing that the sky was green. I really don't understand why I was actually surprised it was blue when I looked up like she asked. I then shook my head and smiled.

"Come on Twi lets…"

"Oh, life is but sorrow and…" Pinkie paused. "Parties?"

"Pain?" asked Twilight

I then turned to see Pinkie with strait hair, wearing black eye liner smudged in a way that looked like she'd been crying. I groaned. And the day started so well too. Twilight has gotten pretty good at this, and almost never fails to kill herself. I should have known better. The frown briefly vanished off Pinkie's face.

"Yea, pain. Thanks Twilight. You're so helpful." Then Pinkie blinked, and frowned again, slumping. "Oh, and the world is awful and full of sun."

"Don't you mean sin?" asked Twi

Pinkie gasped. "Oh wow, I do." Pinkie smiled. "And that makes much more sense. I mean the sun isn't sad at all." She put a hoof to her chin. "Well there was that one week after you decided to go splodey the first time, but otherwise."

I smiled. Pinkie has been great. She took it the hardest when Twilight was depressed, but once that was gone and Twi was just plain crazy she was fine with it. Not everypony is good like that. It was a pretty busy day in Ponyville, but everypony was giving us a wide berth. I used to try and do something about it, every time it happened, but Rarity and Fluttershy convinced me to stop. AJ was right about it not helping anyway, even if she's wrong about a whole lot of other stuff these days. Then Pinkie got out a bottle and squeezed out something onto her hoof. Then she ran it over a poof of hair that looked like the mess she usually has on her head.

"Oh thank Celestia." I said

"Huh?" asked Twi

"Dashie?"

I waved a hoof. "Nothing important. I'm guessing there is a point to this sadness junk."

Twi leaned in to me. "Dash, don't belittle her. I think this could be serious."

Pinkie put a still convincing frown on her face. She could really act when she wanted to. I think she just had so little experience with being depressed she didn't really know how to do it right, and it was very much playing against type. But other things she can really nail. I still amazed she pulled off being a guard so well when we were pranking Twi that one time. It was still odd that Twilight missed it. She could be so sharp with some things, but other things it was like she the most gullible mare in the world. I was just glad Pinkie wasn't really upset. I still haven't told the others exactly what I saw on the day of the last surprise party we ever threw Pinkie, and don't plan to tell them. Even if it would have made explaining why I thought it was more important to watch Pinkie than Twilight if I had to choose between two depressed mares.

"So Pinkie, were you actually looking for us?" asked Twilight

She nodded. "Yea, I decided the world is too painful and stuff so I want to kill myself, and I was like, Pinkie, you know who's really good at suicide, Twilight, so here I am and I'm sure you can help me."

Twi got a huge fake as could be grin on her face and nodded. "Of course Pinkie, I'll help you in whatever way I can."

"Really?" Pinkie then shook her head and smiled. "I mean that's great. Disturbingly easy, but great."

"Why don't you go ahead to the library I'll be right behind you, I just want to give Dash some bits and a breakfast order right quick, okay."

"Okay."

Then Pinkie smiled and hopped off, before suddenly stopping, hanging her head down and walking normally. Twilight was then in front of me, pacing back and forth, wings randomly fluttering to life, then laying on her back again.

"Oh Dash, this is just terrible. I can't imagine life without you girls. Can you even imagine life without Pinkie?"

I rolled my eyes. "No Twi. I've never even considered what it might be like to lose one of my friends. Why ever would something like that cross my mind."

Then Twi glared at me and I took a step back and cringed. Twilight was always a little scary with her super unicorn magic, but now that she's an alicorn? Yea, most ponies less awesome than me would have just run for the hills or gotten down on their knees and begged for forgiveness. I mean her mane was a mess of roaring flames and both wings spread in a way she probably didn't even understand why it was so threatening. Sometimes I forget Twi can still listen and is still super smart. Sometimes it's, two plus apricot equals apathy, logic but she can still get stuff sometimes. Normally I just smile and pedal back, but this time I didn't think that was the correct response. Instead I put on my serious weather manager "the Everfree weather is being dumb again" pep talk face and pretended like I wasn't at least a little worried Twi was about to change me into a statue, or worse.

"How dare you not take this seriously. Dash, Pinkie…"

I nodded. I knew it. I'm getting better at gauging Twi's craziness. "I'm not being serious because the way I see it's already fixed." I smiled a little

She blinked. "What?"

"Twi. You're trying to fix it, so bam…" I thrust a hoof out in a mock punch "Problem solved. So yea, I'm not taking it super serious because I know I don't have to worry. You've got a plan, so we're good."

"But…" her ears folded down a little, a small frown on her face. "I haven't even told you my plan yet. You don't even want to hear it, do you?"

"Does that matter? I mean obviously you're not about to leave a pony as amazing as me out of it when I'm available, so come on already."

"Actually your part is minor really. At least so far. This is in emergency, so I don't have time to write out a proper checklist so the plan is somewhat fluid. It's simple really. We take her around to our friends, who will obviously try to convince her not to kill herself, while at the same time under the ruse of helping I horrify her with the worst methods I can think of."

"When you say worst do you mean least effective or…"

"I mean other than some basic assistance anypony could give, I want your help thinking up the options most likely to turn her stomach and make her scream in terror. At the very least it should be enough to stall her until I can think of a more concrete plan."

"Uh, yea, now when you say horrify do you mean via demonstration or…"

"Now get going. I don't care what you get…" She pulled a jingling bag out of her mane and dropped it at my hooves. "Just get it fast. Now I should go. Can't be leaving her alone too long, now can we."

Then she vanished with a flash. I sighed. I suppose I know the answer, and just wished I didn't. I really should have known the day was going to get worse. Oh well, at least I have that doctor pony shampoo now. It really does get the bloodstains out of my fur and mane great. Though some of the worst weren't really the gory ones, but the one's where her body is all too intact and recognizable, but that just makes seeing it in such horrifying shape all the worse. I grabbed the bag and was off, thinking maybe I wouldn't suggest the worst. After all I don't think Pinkie has even seen Twi off her self much so maybe I should try to limit the trauma a little.

Author's Note

So if you're wondering about the comment about blaming this on Kaidan's story it's because of two things. First I absolutely hate it, partially because it's well written I should point out, and I had this growing sense of dread as I read it where things were going but I wasn't willing to stop. The second is a thought that entered my head is that according to my headcannon that wouldn't even work, and even if it did death would be temporary. This somehow resulted in me writing a cheerful story about suicide. I'm not entirely clear how that last bit works either, but here we are.