Big Macintosh's Big Fat Wedding

Big Macintosh's Big Fat Wedding

by neorenamon

"Ah wonder when Princess Twilight's gonna come home?" asked Big Macintosh as he stood on Jifar's shoulders.

"It is hard to know for certain," she replied, "when she returns to raise the curtain."

"Ah miss her when she's off doin that there Canterlot business," he sighed.

"It is also painful for me," she replied, "when my Goddess parts from me."

He reached out to grab the next delicate apple, a small bunch of cherry apple, from the delicate limb.  They were brand new trees flown in a cuttings by Pegasi from lands very far away, and after a whole year, were ready to bear their first fruits.  But when he kicked a tree to knock down the fruits, the trunk split and the whole tree keeled over.  If it wasn't for Twilight's magic and Zecora's emergency potion, the poor thing would have been killed within a day.

So now each and every tree had to be hand picked, and they had to be careful as rough ladders might just bruise the tree's delicate bark.

"Ah need ya ta take another step to yer right, sweetums," he said.

She stepped, and he grabbed.  He plucked off the group of small red round fruit and plopped it into the bucket on his hip.

"Well, that there is one more tree off the bucket list," he said as he looked down.

"Excuse me, good Sir and Dame," said a voice from behind him.

Jifar turned about so fast that he had to grab the tree trunk to keep his balance, and found himself looking down upon the Queen of Ponyville herself, Sombrarity.  She had her servants Spike and Bakabaka dressed in the butler and maid finest at her sides while she herself was decked out in her fake royal chestplate, hip guards and other miscellaneous pieces that left her stomach, thighs and upper arms exposed.  But wherever she went, she wore her crown and her great fur lined cloak.

He wondered when the three of them had snuck up on them like that.

"Howdy, her majestyness," he said cheerfully, "Let me get down so I can speak ta ya proper-like."

"Oh, you may just call me Sombrarity, Sir Big Macintosh," she replied.

"An you all can just call meh Big Mac," he said as Jifar helped him down to the ground.  When he was on ground level, he realized he was staring at the Queen's chest, the largest set of breasts on a pony allegedly anywhere in Equestria.  Even his wive's most motherly breasts were just smaller by comparison.

"How can I help y'all?" he asked as he looked in Sombrarity's... eyes... 'cough' yes, he was looking in her eyes...

"I apologize for the lack of formal notice," she began, "but I have need of your... OOF!"

Jifar had clomped the Queen chest to chest, making the biggest boob collision the world had ever seen.  Spike and Bakabaka discreetly looked away as Jifar gave her a surprise kiss on the lips.

"Honeybuns," he moaned, "I think she's tryin ta say somethin, so why don't'cha let her breathe and all?"

But Sombrarity was staring wide eyed at Jifar even after the giraffe had pulled her tongue back.  In the meantime, Spike turned away from them and did something with his bowtie that made his waxed handlebar mustache appear under his nose, making him look more 'cough' official and business-like.

"You should do something about that cough, Mister Narrator," said Pinkie Pie as she poked her head from behind a tree.

It's not a cough, I was clearing my throat.  Now beat it, sister!  You aren't in this Chapter!

Pinkie Pie harrumphed as she walked out of the scene.

"Uh... who was Pinkie talkin to just now?" asked Big Mac.

"I know not how to respond," replied Jifar, "suffice it to say there are powers beyond."

'cough' Can we get back to the story?  Now Spike, if you would...

"Ah yes," said Spike smoothly as he twirled his mustache, "Her Majesty, the Queen of Ponyville, has... 'dun-dun-dunnn' a secret assignment for the two and only knights of Ponyville."

"A what now?"

"A secret assignment," he repeated, "One that can only be done by someone outside of Queen Sombrarity's inner circle of servants, advisers and Guards.  Two ponies just like you."

"Ah see."

He took out a scroll from his pocket and began to read aloud:

This scroll has been prepared in a time of need,

so I have elected to have Spike to read.

At the dog village down near the farm,

there may be some dogs coming to harm,

as Griffons are coming from far away

possibly seeking a place to stay.

Speak to the griffons to see if their motives a pure,

and the dog's safety we can assure.

Spike has more details as this scroll and text ends

as Sombrarity wishes it to self destruct in 5 seconds.

"Miss Twilight wrote this... Wait, SELF DESTRUCT?!" he called as he threw the scroll up in the air.  The scroll sailed into the open air before it went... *KA-BOOM!*

"Well that all was random," he replied, "Now what all about this here secret assignment?"

"Ah yes," he said as he turned to the maid, "If you would fetch the box of magical gadgets from the chariot, Miss Bakabaka?"

She nodded as she ran off.

"Now we have reason to believe that there are some troublemakers in the group of Griffon refugees," he said as he twirled his mustache, "One that might be acting as..."  He leaned closer as he said, "Spies for the Griffon Kingdom."

"Wouldn't it look kinda suspicious for the Knights of Ponyville ta be questioning these here folks?"

"Well d'uh," replied Spike, "That's what the magical disguises are for."  A small bell rang somewhere in the distance.

"Uh... magical disguises, you say?"  A small bell rang somewhere in the distance.

"We guarantee that nopony or griffon will recognize you in these magical disguises."  A small bell rang somewhere in the distance.

Pinkie Pie!  You're overdoing the sound effects!

"You get what you pay for," said Pinkie from off screen.

Wait, I'm supposed to be paying you?  Oh never mind!

"And there's a few other magical gadgets that Agent P-T, Agent P-C, and Agent P-L feel that you might need to complete this assignment for the Queen of Ponyville."

Sombrarity smiled weakly as Jifar continued to hug her.

"Agent who?"

"Their actual names are not important."

"Ah see."

"In case you get in trouble, Agents GG and RD will be your backup."

"Ah-huh.  Spike... Did y'all just make this stuff up?"

"NO WAY!" shouted Spike as Bakabaka returned with a black box with gold trim, hinges and lock.  The chest required using both hands to carry, so she had the gold key in her mouth.  He leaned closer as he added, "And I'm supposed to be Agent S-D and she's supposed to be Agent B-O."

Jifar blinked.

"Follow me to the barn," said Agent S-D, "I can't give you the briefing until I'm sure nopony is spying on us."

They all began moving towards the barn as Jifar half carried, half dragged Queen Sombrarity along with her.

"This ain't gonna git in the way of the wedding, now is it?"

"NO WAY!"