Cupcakes: Alternate Version
"Oh, shit! I'm late for... whateva the fuck Pinkie Pie wanted me to so. I think she said something about makin' me into a cupcake? Ah, fuck it!" I exclaim as I fly to Sugarcube Corner. My name's Rainbow Dash for all of you... um.... ummmmm..... C'mon Dash you know an insult... cause you're Dash! Uh, you fucktard! Yeah... fucktard! Cause I'm smart... and you're dumb. Yeah.
I got there in ten hours flat! Because I'm the fastest pegasus in Equestria, soon to be in the Wonderballs be an extreme molester. Because I'm the shit! So anyways, I went to the giant diabetes building and yelled.
"Yo, Pinkie! You in here!? Ya better be because I didn't stop my incredibly important sleeping on the job time to have you abandonin' me and shit! I swear, if I'm talking to myself..."
"Oh hey Dash. Here's a cupcake! Eat it so you can go back to sleeping on the job, buddy!" Said a voice from a fluffy pink retard.
So I ate the cupcake and I swear it seemed like I was passing out. Like... what seemed like five seconds later or something, I woke up in Pinkie's basement. Hmm... what sleep does to a pony. Anyways, I knew it was her basement because it smells like dead bodies and the smell always drifts into the whole building... I still wonder how nopony else smells that horrid stench. Ah well, I don't give a fuck.
"Hey Dash, it's about time you woke up! You mind if I kill you?" Pinkie pie asked me as she turned on a light and revealed herself.
"Eh... It depends... how exactly will I die?" I ask her.
"Well, first I cut off your cutiemark, chop off your wings-"
"Nah, I want my wings. Because I'm gonna need em. I wanna fly when I die. Heh, it rhymes. But yeah, how can I look cool without 'em?"
"Well, too fucking bad!" Pinkie yells and as soon as my wing is gonna get chopped up, until a two white balls came out and bounced around. I cocked an eyebrow at the balls... get it? No? Fuck you too. The balls started to glow brighter and bounced around way faster than necessary. Like really. it looks weird. And it totally wasn't arousing me. I'm not gay any more.
"Ah, what the fuck is that gay shit!" Pinkie yelled.
"What? I thought you knew what it was since you're a perve!" I yelled.
"That's only for vaginas! I don't deal with balls and cocks!"
"Pinkie Pie! Stop this lesbian shit NOOOOW!" Boomed an irritated voice. A familiar irritated voice.
"Gilda? Dafuq? Listen, if you're here to molest me like you did when we were kids..." I warned.
"No... I'm gay now. I got big balls and go to suck bigger balls, but I'm here to stop you from doing this weird lesbian shit." She said and scoffed.
"Wait... since when is killing your friend being a lesbian..?" Pinkie Pie said, but nopony gave a fuck about what she said.
"It's not weird lesbian shit... it's just lesbian shit." I said.
"You guys need to stop fighting... and what does this have to do with being a lesbian?" Pinkie asked.
"Oh, right, you guys are just weird ponies doing lesbian shit!" Gilda yelled.
"I'm not weird, you're weird."
"Seriously... this isn't weird. And how is this situation related to being a lesbian in any way?" Pinkie asked with a raised eyebrow as me and Gilda ignored her dumb ass.
"No... I'd be weird if my life were normal." Gilda said.
"True... true." I agreed
"Okay..." Pinkie said awkwardly.
Our head turned towards her and we looked at her in concern.
"Oh.. and uh... how does any relate to the subject of being a lesbian?" She asked.
"She hesitated!" Gilda yelled and threw a Nintendo 69 at her. When she tried to get up, she threw a princest picture at her. On the final attempt to get up, she threw Lil Wayne at her. Lil Wayne sat up and looked around. He appeared to be in the middle of jacking off to cartoon horse porn. Fucking weirdo. Am I right clopper bronies? Yeah? Oh right, you're perverted weirdos too.
"Aaye where da fuck am I doe?" He looked around and saw me tied to the table. He then smirked evily and walked his black ass towards me.
"Hey dere hoe. Time fo' me ta' get my thang on. Ya feel me?" He asked as he lit up a joint and filled the whole room with smoke, making us all high.
"Heh... yea." I said, really high right now.
He tried to slip that big ugly ass cock in me when he found a ginormous furry blue one blocking his way.
"What da hell mann?" He whined.
"Yeah, no molesting for you." I said and blew a raspberry at him, accidentally spitting liquid rainbow and skittles at him. It got in his mouth and he TASTED THE MUTHAFUCKIN RAINBOW! BIATCH!
"You do know there's a 'nother hole dere too yah?" He said raising an eyebrow. I gulped.
So that night I got raped by Gilda and Lil Wayne and Pinkie masturbated to the whole thin. Then Twilight came in and raped Pinkie Pie, making her her bitch for the rest of eternity because of magic. And I just mind fucked you with words and a sandwich...
However that retarded gay lesbian shit works.
I hope you all fucking die from toxins and my big rainbow cock. Fuck you all.
Author's Note
Well, this is my first crackfic. I might not make any more. But I was just so bored and I really wanted to write random shit. Comment below please! Also, I'm not sure if crackfics need it but... constructive criticism.... please?
Cupcakes: Alternate Version
"Hiiiiiiiii hi hi hi hi hi hi hi........ I'm so high.... so high, sooooooo hiiiigh!"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP LIL WAYNE!" I yelled as I smacked him in the face with my giant rainbow pingas of cockitude.
"I just tasted skittles. Dayum." He said and fainted. Rainbow colored foam started to leak out of his filthy ass mouth.
"RAPE TIIIIIIIME!" Pinkie yelled and raped the black nigga, making him die and sending him off to where he belongs.
-Where he belongs-
Nobody went here. It smelled like balls, shit, and fish. It was a small dark place where only the bravest, or nastiest, of them all ever went. It has been known to trap people in it, make their hour in there miserable, and cover them in it's poison. To go into this place, you have to want to die, have a low self esteem, and be able to bear living with the smell of shit in your nose for the rest of your life. It's the scariest place any human being has ever been in, and sometimes, going in there is inevitable. Your body forces you to go into the disgusting death trap that many people fear and frown upon. It's so small and horrible. Yet it sucks so many unlucky people into it's disgusting germ infested entrance. It's so murky in the place, you can't see as soon as you walk in. The stench of several deadly poisons and gasses can make you pass out in seconds. Some people never make it out of the place alive. Some are traumatized for the rest of their life. Some go insane after one minute. You will be lucky to last an hour in the hellhole. Nobody likes the people who go into the gruesome place. They are the reason it's so unbearable. They've created a second hell... actually, most people would rather burn in hell than have to go inside...
A porta-potty.
And Lil Wayne is at the bottom of all of the piss, shit, puke, period blood and sex juices.
-Back to Sugarcube Corner-
"FUCK A GILDA IN THE DICK WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN HERE!" Yelled Rainbow dash as all of a sudden Mario, Slenderman, Sonic, Thomas the Dick Engine and Black Doom's giant body and tiny dick came out of nowhere and went crazy. Then they disappeared. For no fucking reason. And the place was trashed.
"Shit. Shit happened Rainbow Dash." Pinkie Pie said.
All of a sudden, Shrek popped out of a portal in front of us. I came everywhere. Shrek licked it up and sucked my SKITTLE-DUM-DITTLE RAINBOW COCK! Then his eyes turned red and he grinned like a fat ass creepy pedophile stalker idiot.
"You have to go into the crrrrreeeepypastas nao!" He shouted and all of a sudden, we saw a whole bunch of crack around us. We could get rich off this good shit. I took out my garbage bag that I use in sex games and filled it with that good shit when all of a sudden so fast that I couldn't finish this senten-
"WHY THE FUCK YOU GAWT MY CRACK! THAT'S WHAT GIVES ME MY SUPER SPEED!" Sonic.exe yelled.
"I'm sorry, I just wanted 2/3 of it to get rich off of. Can I pleeeeease keep it?" I asked the red eyed creep. "By the way, love dem eyes!"
"Aww, thank you! Of course you can have my crack! You even said please... I like you. I hardly ever meet nice people or ponies. They always scream and run away rudely and when I try to chase them, they fight back and in self defense I'm forced to kill them. So fucked up. Am I ugly? Is that why they run?" Sonic.exe cried out blood.
"No! You're a sexy piece of ass! Come with me and we can be friends forever!"
"Yay!" He laughed with sparkly eyes and a rainbow over him as he skipped to us and we kept walking.
"I'm Jeff the killer! FEAR ME!" Some kid roared.
"No." I said.
"Fuck me in the butt." He commanded.
"No." I said.
"Make me your slave...? Please?" He asked.
"Sure! Since you said please." I agreed.
"YAY!"
And so we were back in Sugarcube corned, sitting on the couch. We sat there. And sat there.
"I gotta piss." I said.
And I pissed in that exact spot. Oh well. Princess Molestia will lick it clean.
Author's Note
A NEW FUCKING CHAAAAAAPTER!
