Entering Equestria: Gurren's Tale
Chapter 1: New Beginnings for Evil Men
My friends, or whoever is reading this, what is evil? No I’m not asking for the textbook definition BS, but your definition of the word evil. Could it possibly be, someone who does bad things without a cause? Cause I’m pretty sure that’s my definition, but my definition doesn't mean anything anymore. Why? You ask, well it’s case I've done plenty bad things in my lifetime. I've murdered, I've stolen things, and I've had people murdered. I remember planting a bomb at a Rival Thief’s hideout, just to send a message.
My view of sending a message is very different than the normal kind. But what is normal? Normal is… I honestly have no clue what the hell normal is! Normal isn't in my dictionary! If anything, I’m abnormal. I mean seriously! I’m a fucking Mage! We use magic to manipulate the world around us, its actually called mana, but still! I don’t know normal! Normal is so far away from me that if it were to explode it’d take eight seconds for me to hear it! And yes that is a reference to something, I don’t know what, but it is.
Anyways, back on track, I’m going to tell you all a story. I don’t want to hear a story! Well I don’t give a fuck you’re listening either way, willingly or tied to a chair. I’m sorry, I get pretty violent sometimes and have been taking classes on how to control that. But yes, this is my story. What kind of story? Jesus, just shut up and let me tell you it okay? This is the story of how I came to the “magical” land of Equestria. Now, some of you may recognize that name. It’s gotten pretty popular in the recent years. Magical land of ponies? Yeah, thats it.
Now, this is the story of how I came to Equestria. Oh and by the way, my name’s Gurren Artren and I’ll be your guide through my tale. Now let’s start at the point that I actually entered Equestria. The process was quick and nauseating, basic Magic universal teleportation. Have you ever heard of the MultiVerse theory? Well, yeah. That’s how Mages were involved in science. One of the greatest Mages ever went up to a random theorist and said “What if our universe isn't the only one?” and walked away. That Mage then found himself in big trouble with the Council.
Back to the topic with what we were talking about. Well, we were talking about how I entered Equestria. But let’s real quick touch the topic of why I was going to Equestria. I was hired, as a Mage, to help someone that called themselves Distant to stop some evil dude. No other information was given after that. Good, that was quickly covered and we can go to when I entered Equestria. The ride was smooth and no problems were shown up until the point of which I actually was in Equestria. I had just finished the teleporting and I found myself face down in the grass.
“Ugh, my head…” I groaned and slowly rolled over. Of course I didn't expect a giant ass bright light to be shined in my face so I quickly shut my eyes tightly. “GAH!” I shouted. “What the hell fate?” I sat there for a minute before opening my eyes and letting them adjust to the blinding light of the sun. Although, the sun wasn't my biggest problem currently. It was the big white unicorn standing over me. At least it looks like a unicorn, but actually its a winged unicorn whose name happens to be Celestia. Pretty neat name right? Yeah, not really. “Hi.” I said sitting up.
“Hello there.” She replied with a warm smile. “May I ask whom you are?” I looked around and found myself to be in the middle of either a small forest or a large garden.
I stood up, dusted myself off, and gave her a salute. “Captain Gregory Ramirez of the United States Marine Corps.” I lied with a stupid grin on my face. “I just died by a heart attack and was sent here by death himself!” I dropped the smile and the salute before fixing my jeans.
“Captain? As in a soldier?” She asked sweetly.
“No, I’m not a soldier. That name is just a cover up I use to break into army bases to steal high tech weaponry.” I offered her my hand. “My real name’s Gurren Artren, I didn't die, and I came here willingly.” She accepted my hand in a hand-to-hoof shake and I grinned. “I was contracted by someone to help out with something big, not sure what, but how they described it as if it is something insanely important. But you don’t need to worry, I’m just going to be here for a couple of weeks to help them out. I’ll be out of your hair…er... mane, in no time.” I ran my cybernetic hand through my hair.
Story time! My entire right arm is made out of cybernetics and when I say cybernetics I actually mean full on 100% real robo Deus Ex: Human Revolution cybernetics. It was surprisingly cheap! Now, how I got his arm is kind of a tricky story. First lets tell you the story of how I lost my arm. It was a bright and sunny day in mid summer when I had some things to steal over in Germany, which sucked since I only know English and Russian.
I was working a warehouse job: steal some expensive paintings, make sure you don’t get caught, and then profit. Easy right? WRONG. Dead motherfucking wrong! Turns out they had some kind of security system that not only sent off loud sirens, but also detonated a Napalm bomb from underneath the warehouse. Now, I’m pretty sure right now you’re going “What the fuck? That means the paintings would be destroyed.” but here’s the catch, the paintings turned out to be copycats of the originals. I learned that after I tripped the security system and had my arm burnt to an absolute fucking crisp.
So now I’m missing an arm, right? Right. I’m out of the game, right? Wrong. You see, Mages can come from all over a universe’s timeline and I just happen to be the friend of a cybernetic dealer’s friend and that friend owes me big time for when I pulled his ass out of a firefight in Afghanistan. Him and his squad of Marines. Did I also mention that I know how to fly an A-10C Warthog? Yeah, I can fly one, but it has to have an onboard AI installed into the computers so really I’m not doing anything other than shoot the guns and drop the bombs.
So yeah, after some favors were called in I got a brand spankin new roboarm. It came with a couple awesome features: built in swords, flamethrower, ammo counter on any guns made after the 90’s, and a speaker to play music. Story time’s over!
Her smile shifted from willing to forced. “So, you are a thief?”
I gave her a grin. “I used to be a thief, I quit that profession and became a private contractor. After a job I did in Germany made me lose my arm” I pulled up my jacket’s sleeve to reveal my slick black cyberarm “I decided to have a change of professions.” I pulled my sleeve back down. “So no, I’m not a thief.” I shrugged. “Technically I am, but we all have our past sins.”
“Time passes and the future changes, but the past will always remain the same, no matter how much you wish to change it.” By the sound of that statement, she seemed to understand me on a deeper level than what I intended.
We sat there in an awkward silence for a minute before I spoke. “Yeah… uh… I’m sorry if I brought back any bad memories, but I gotta go and get some stuff done.”
Celestia looked back at me and gave me a warm smile. “Oh yes, don’t let me keep you here.” I turned to take my leave, but she stopped me. “But I’m not sure if Firewall would want you to leave.”
I turned to look at her but was interrupted by a heavy object tackling me to the ground and holding my arms behind my back. “You have the right to remain silent.” a deep, gruff voice stated “Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law.” Miranda rights. “You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided to you. Do you understand the rights I have given you? With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?”
“Yes, I understand my rights and having nothing to say. But I, your honor, would like to mention that you look positively attractive today.” I replied with a grin.
“Joke’s on you asshat, I don’t have to say that in court.” Whoever was on me said as they stood me up. I finally got a good look at who just put me under arrest. It was a large black Pegasus stallion with a red mane and tail. He wore navy blue plate armor and a pair of golden aviators. The pegasus seemed to be just as big as Celestia, who I appear to be an entire head (or horn, depending on which species you are) taller.
“Good work Firewall. Take him in for questioning.” Celestia ordered as she went back to relaxing in her garden.
The Pegasus in question nodded and pushed me forward. “Let’s go.” He ordered. I looked back at him and saw a tinge in his eyes that told me to trust him. I followed his lead to wherever he was taking me. What can I say? If I get the feeling to trust someone, which I rarely get, then I’ll trust them to handle the current situation.
I decided to start a conversation with the guy. “So, uh… Firewall, right?” He nodded. “That’s nice to know, the name’s Gurren.” I offered my hand from behind my back.
He looked at me and smiled. “Do you know why I hired you?”
“Honestly no, you were vague and barely gave me a briefing.” I answered honestly.
“There was a reason for that. Many of my foes are watching me, monitoring what I’m doing and searching for a time to strike. They've tried to kill my family, they've tried to poison me, and many other things that ultimately failed. I have hired you for many reasons, one of them is to track down my enemies and kill them all.” We stopped in front of what looked like training grounds. There were a lot of ponies in armor doing what else but training. I felt and heard the handcuffs click unlocked from behind my back.
“Am I getting a performance review?” I asked.
He guided me to what looked like a sparring ring. “Hot Shot, Iron Hoof, and Magie-Benutzer, report front and center to the sparring ring.” He shouted. Almost instantly three white ponies wearing gold and navy blue armor appeared at the other end of the ring. A pegasus and two unicorns.
I stood as one end as Firewall walked around to the other. “Are these your best soldiers?”
“Bull’s-eye. These three are my Special Operations Task Force team leaders, Alpha Bravo and Charlie.” He emphasized each name with a pat on the shoulder of an individual soldier. “Their fighting styles are adjusted to their liking.” He walked over to the Pegasus and put a hoof on his shoulder. “Hot Shot is a ranger, bows and crossbows.” Walked over to the middle unicorn. “Iron Hoof is a point man, sword or hammer and shield.” And over to the last unicorn, who is a mare mind you. “Magie-Benutzer is a mage, she has a wide variety of offensive and defensive spells.” He turned back to me. “Are you up for the challenge?”
I reached into my jacket and pulled out Calamity, my .50 Caliber Desert Eagle hand cannon made out of pure gold. I stole it from a drug lord after I killed said drug lord. Firewall’s eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw it. I clicked the button to release the magazine and pulled the slide back, releasing the chambered round. “If we fight, we fight on my terms.” I picked up the bullet from the floor and put it back in the mag. “No weapons.” Reaching into my jacket one last time, I took out my 15 inch combat knife, Marie, and stabbed it into the ground.
Firewall grinned. “Now in order for me to fully assess your abilities I have to have you up against armed enemies. In order for me to do that, my Captains here have to push your limits.” Let’s just go along with his plan for now.
“If they’re armed, I’m armed. Go get me a wooden sword or something like that.” I stepped up onto the sparring ring and bowed. My opponents soon followed my actions, except the bowing part.
“Mithril Shield!” A white Earth Pony came out of nowhere with a wooden sword in its mouth and brought it over to me.
“Spasibo.” I thanked in Russian. She nodded and backed away, allowing me to take a couple of practice swings with it. I got into a defensive stance and nodded towards Firewall. “Arm your warriors, I’m ready.” Another Earth Pony came out of nowhere carrying: a sword, a shield, a crossbow, and a staff. He then proceeded to hand out the weapons to their respectful owners.
Firewall grinned and turned to Magie-Benutzer. “Cast the transformation spell.” He then walked away from the sparring ring and sat down to watch.
There was a bright blinding light in the direction of the soldiers. When it receded, there were three anthropomorphic ponies standing where the normal ponies once were. The armor they were previously wearing only covered… some, parts. Basically it went like this, the two guys had their members hanging out and the chick had her breasts hanging freely, I’d say she was probably a C cup. Any normal man would say it’s a cock block to have two naked guys next to a semi-naked girl, but I’m not normal.
Just a quick thing that you’ll just now learn about me: I’m Bisexual. Oh? What’s that I hear? A flame war? Yeah well, go die in a ditch haters. So, with that said, I found this situation to be… thought provoking, to say the least. I looked over to Firewall with a slight blush on my face. “Uh… are they uh… are they supposed to be halfway naked?” I asked a little uneasily.
“There’s a reason for that. If you can fight without getting distracted then you can fight like a true warrior. One of my sources told me that you were homo-”
“Bi.” I interrupted. “I’m bisexual.”
“Bi, gay, homo, so what they mean the same thing.” He replied. I was about to say something when he cut me off. “Anyways, just fight them without being distracted by their dicks and you’ll be fine. But first, there are two rules of the sparring ring: Rule 1) Do not aim for private areas. Rule 2) If anyone is close to killing someone else, the fight is stopped and whoever is the offender will suffer greatly.”
I readjusted my stance and looked back towards the three. “Alright… Let’s get this over with.”
“Good! Red team! Ready?” I was a bit confused until I looked down and saw that my part of the ring was colored blue.
“Yes sir.” The three responded.
“Blue team! Ready?”
I tossed the wooden sword up, caught the handle, and held it backwards. “Bring it on.” I hit a few buttons on my cyber arm and activated it’s speaker system.
Firewall pulled out a whistle, from absolutely nowhere, and blew into it. “FIGHT!” He shouted.
I hit the play button and started my my fighting music. “You got the motherfucking right to remain violent!” The first song started off. I charged the three soldiers head first. Iron Hoof raised his shield to block any attack I throw, Hot Shot took to the skies with his crossbow, and Magie-Benutzer started charging up spells. I before I could reach Iron Hoof I jumped into the air and prepared to hit him with a kick. I noticed Hot Shot pulling back the string of his crossbow and put a bolt in. I sent a powerful kick in his direction, which he parried and sent me to the right towards Magie-Benutzer. Oh and by the way, her name is one big word. Deciding to try and get a flow going, I brought my other leg around to try and land a hit on her.
Magie-Benutzer raised her staff and blocked it, sending me to a crouched position. I swept my leg around to trip her, which succeeded. But before she could hit the ground she readjusted herself and landed a bit flawlessly. Iron Hoof tried getting a hit on me, but a guy his size is a little obvious, and I was able to spot it before he could hit me. I raised my sword and blocked his. I made an astonishing discovery and found his sword to be real. It was a real sword, made out of real steel. I snapped out of my trance and pushed his sword back, allowing me to break off from the combat.
“I see you noticed the blade!” Firewall claimed from his spot on the sideline. Hot Shot aimed his crossbow and sent a bolt in my direction, one which I barely dodged.
“I thought they had fake weapons!” I said as I quickly pulled my knife out from the ground. “Are they aiming to kill?!” Magie-Benutzer finally charged her spell and launched it my direction. I ducked and threw my knife in her direction. Iron Hoof sidestepped and got in the way of my knife, letting it be embedded into his shield.
“No, not really. They’re only aiming to incapacitate you.” He replied nonchalantly as I got ready for another charge.
“Good to know.” I whispered. I charged Iron Hoof again but my intentions weren't to attack him. I did as I did the last time I charged him but instead of kicking his shield I used it to get airborne and attack Hot Shot. I flipped my sword again to hold it normally and took a swing at him. Hot Shot was caught off guard by this and had little time to react. Apparently he was quicker than I predicted and was able to block my attack then send a knee into my chest. I wasn't quick enough to counter that and suffered the consequence. I was sent back to the ground in a way I didn't appreciate.
I landed on my back and got the wind knocked out of me. I took a second too long to gather my bearings since Iron Hoof was able to put me at the edge of his sword. “Damn… I guess I lost.” I mentioned. Iron Hoof grinned and nodded towards Magie-Benutzer and Hot Shot. When they dropped their guard was when I attacked. I grabbed Iron Hoof’s sword with my cybernetic arm and bent it backwards. They tried to react but were too late. I swept their feet from under them and took the initiative. I casted a spell to slow down time and quickly stood up.
Time wasn't slowed as in extremely slow, but it was like everyone around you was being slower than usual and you were high on speed… I don’t know how to explain it. I was able to stand up before they hit the ground. I jumped Iron Hoof first and sent a powerful kick straight to his face, probably breaking his nose. Before I could do anything else, a blast of magic hit me and sent me flying out of the ring essentially canceling the spell. I landed with a thud and hit my head against the ground.
I blacked out for what felt like a second, but was probably a good minute. When my eyes opened I was greeted by the site of all four of them standing over me. “Hey Gurren.” Firewall greeted.
“Hey.” I replied as I rubbed my eyes.
“You’re hired.” He handed me my gun and my knife, both of which I put away. “Now stop acting like such a bitch and get up.”
“But I lost. Why am I getting hired?” I stood up and stretched my legs.
“Cause you fought well and lasted longer than usual soldiers against these three.” I paused my music and turned back towards the four that were standing over me to find the three I fought back in their original forms. “I’m going to have you set up shop in a small town not that far from here called Ponyville. The next train is going to leave in a few hours so take your time to check out the castle. Just be careful for Eli, he’s probably running about messing with the guards.” He then started walking away. “I have business to attend.”
We all sat and watched him walk away until he was gone. “So…” I turned back towards the three and they turned towards me. “I don’t think we were properly introduced.”
“I don’t deal with faggots.” Hot Shot said with a Boston accent, spewing absolute venom at me.
“And I don’t deal with little fucking asswipe cunt bags.” I turned towards Iron Hoof. “Firewall said your name was Iron Hoof, correct?” He nodded with a smile on his face and stuck out his hoof. I accepted it for my second Hand-to-Hoof shake of the day. “Silent type?” Iron Hoof nodded again. I then turned towards the last pony, who was leaning on her staff and giving me a suggestive look.
“Magie-Benutzer. Residential magic expert, don’t mind Hot Shot, he’s just having trouble coming out of the stables.” She said with a wink.
“I am not a fag!” Hot Show snapped angrily.
“Calm your tits Hot Shot, I’m just screwing with you.” She replied with a smirk. “Yeah we’re the team leaders for SOTF, we basically act like Equestria’s secret service. Most of our names are blacked out by a black permanent marker on the mission reports and the only names that are untouched are either Celestia’s Luna’s and/or Firewall’s. If Firewall hired you personally then he probably has some big plans for you.” She turned and started to walk away. “I have more magic to study, if you need me I’ll be in the Starswirl Wing.”
“Yeah, whatever.” Hot Shot said as he also turned to walk away.
I looked towards Iron Hoof. “Let me guess, you’re gunna go too?” He nodded. “Alright, I’m gunna go hang out with Magie-Benutzer.” Iron Hoof turned and walked away. I jogged over to Magie-Benutzer and walked alongside her.
“Come for more of me?” She asked.
“Uh… I was just wondering if you can show me around the castle?” I asked nervously. Now, some of you may be thinking right now “Why are you acting so nervous?” and there’s a totally reasonable explanation to this. If you’re not wondering this, look at the facts. I’m 29, I’m an Ex-Professional Thief, and a ruthless mercenary. Anyways, I think I’m attracted to her… No, not in the way that I wanna fuck her til I die of exhaustion… actually yeah now that I think about it, it’s in that way. I mean, the way she looked when she was in that Anthropomorphic form was arousing to say the least. In other words, she’s hot, sue me.
“Hmm…” She hummed in thought. “Sure, I can show you around.” We walked through the halls of the castle, passing by many places until one stop was particularly interesting to say the least. We stopped in front of what looked like a library. “Well, this is the last stop that I’m allowed to show you. Of course there’s more places that I can show you but they’re off limits until Firewall can give the green light. This place here is the Royal Canterlot L-”
She was interrupted by a small dark grey alicorn that came out of nowhere and hid behind her. “Maggie! Blueblood’s pissed and he’s blaming me for whatever just happened to him, hide me!” He said with a massive grin on his face.
A large white unicorn with off red hair came storming down the hall. “Where is he?!” He shouted angrily. “Where is that little runt?” The Unicorn then noticed me and Magie-Benutzer standing in front of the library door. “You two! Mage and… thing, did you see where that runt went?”
‘Maggie’ shook her head. “Sorry Blueblood, I haven’t seen Prince Eli at all today.” She said with a smug grin. “Maybe he’s down at the Kitchen planning his next prank.”
Blueblood looked towards me. “What about you ape, do you have the intelligence to speak Equestrian?” He chuckled at his comment before I could speak. “What am I doing? Trying to talk to some stupid hairy ape and ask him if he can understand me?” he laughed under his breath and turned to walk away. “Oh well, let us go find the runt.”
Blueblood started to walk away when I spoke up. “So Magie-Benutzer, is that the cocklick Firewall was talking about? Prince Bluebitch?” I said in his direction, which got him to stop dead in his tracks.
He slowly turned around and gave me probably the angriest stare I’ve seen. “You want to say that again, ape?”
I took a step towards him with a grin on my face. “You heard what I said, horse.” The look on his face after I said that! PRICELESS! It was a mix of hatred, disgust, and shock.
Blueblood started off slowly. “Do you know who I AM?”
“You’re Prince Bluebitch, the ‘royal’ cunt of Canterlot.” I took another step forward. “The idiot that acts like he’s the greatest.” I crouched down to meet him face to face. “The douchebag that thinks he’s high and mighty.” I leaned forward and whispered into his ear. “The Wannabe King.” I stood back up and watched as he stumbled backwards in shock. “Now get lost!”
Some of you may be wondering where I just got that knowledge from. 1) This is a fucking castle and who else but royals live in a castle. 2) Royals boss people around. 3) This rich kid gives off a heavy stench of snoody, disrespectful, egomaniacal cowardice.
Blueblood started to back away mumbling something incomprehensible. I turned back towards Magie-Benutzer and saw that she was barely holding back a laugh. The little Alicorn came out from his pony shield. “Dude! That was fucking sick!” He said with a grin. Maggie burst out laughing right after he said that. “The way you told that fucker off! Dude, you’re like, pretty cool!”
I chuckled. “Don’t mention it amigo.” I replied, letting some of my old way of speaking slip. Now, real quick to explain what I mean. I used to be in a gang back home in Compton, USA. It was strictly a Latino based gang that usually ran dope and killed people, guns for hire. Those were some pretty dark times in my life and I understand that what I did was wrong. The only reason I was in that gang is cause there were family troubles back home and they said they knew who the people that killed my best friend were.
My best friend Gabriela Nicholson died by gang violence. Looking back, I still remember all the good times we shared together. The only reason I never asked her out is cause I always saw her as a little sister. Just in case you were wondering. I ran with the gang for about five years, found out who killed Gabby, killed them (all three of them), tried to leave the gang, got shot, was arrested, lied my way out of being arrested, and became a thief. It’s a touchy topic.
Anyways. “No, dude, seriously, that was fucking amazing!” The Alicorn insisted. He offered his hoof. “My name’s Andres Midnight Elliot, but call me Eli.”
I accepted his hoof for my third Hand-to-hoof shake of today. “Nice to meet you Eli, my name’s Gurren Enrique Dantes Artren.” I stated, and yes that was my full name. Eli looked at me a bit confused and I smiled. “Just Gurren.”
Magie-Benutzer finally stopped her laughing fit, that turned to giggle fit, and turned back towards me. “That, was probably the funniest thing I’ve ever heard anypony say to Blueblood.” She then playfully punched my arm.
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Yeah, I’m pretty awesome. But hey, gotta protect the Underdogs.”
Just then, a chime went off from inside Magie-Benutzer’s armor. She reached inside and pulled out a small pocket watch. “Well damn, looks like your tour took up the rest of my shift. It was nice showing you around Gurren, but it’s time to unwind.” She said, taking off her helmet and letting her mane fall down. It was long and slowly faded from white to a darker pink. I then noticed that it was getting pretty close to night time. A shadow passed overhead that caught our attentions, a scroll was dropped and landed in front of me.
I picked it up and examined it. It was a normal looking piece of paper with a wax seal keeping it closed. The wax seal was a picture of crossed swords lying behind a pony skull. It was nothing too interesting compared to most of what I’ve seen. “Crossed swords and a skull.” I said in Maggie’s direction. “Who’s it from?”
“Two swords and a skull? I’ll be damned, you’re getting your first orders as an agent of the SOTF.” She chuckled. “Open it and read what it says.” I quickly broke the seal and read what it said.
Special Agent Gurren Artren,
By the recent orders of Prince Firewall you, Gurren Artren, are hereby enlisted into the Equestrian Intelligence Agency’s division of the Special Operations Task Force. By reading this letter sent by Prince Firewall, you hereby understand your current position in protecting Equestria from it’s enemies and will receive further orders soon. Currently, the only orders you receive as of now will be to prepare for your first mission as a SOTF Agent. There will be a meeting between you and Prince Firewall in the morning.
Swift Hoof, Director of the Equestrian Intelligence Agency, EIA
I smirked and rolled back up the scroll. “Well, looks like I have an entire night to celebrate my most recent enlistment.”
Magie-Benutzer looked at me a bit surprised. “Firewall gave you the entire night to celebrate being hired?” I nodded and she grinned evilly. “Oooo, I know one way we can celebrate! I have this awesome club we can go to and have some drinks.” She suggested.
“Aw swag, can I tag along?” Eli asked.
Maggie chuckled and shook her head. “Sorry kid, but I don’t think your mother would appreciate it if I took you for a night of drinking, especially at a club.”
Eli let out a huff of air. “So what about what she thinks, I’m old enough to handle myself.”
Maggie thought about it for a second and then shrugged. “Anything that happens to you isn’t my fault.” She then looked at me and stuck out her hoof. “You up for it, Artren?”
“What kind of club is it gunna be?” I asked, fistbumbing her hoof.
“Just your average club. Alcohol, music, flashy lights, ponies dancing around like idiots, and many mares to choose from.” She replied, leading us back the way she and I came. “But first I need to get out of this armor, don’t want the ponies at the club thinking I’m gunna arrest them for drug possession.”
Eli and Maggie shared a laugh as I chuckled. The way to the barracks was spent in a companionable silence. Well, not really amongst us three but between them two. I was trapped in my thoughts, not doing the serial killer thing where I dwell way too much on my past sins, but the type that had me thinking about things. I mean, like, where does Firewall expect me to sleep for tonight? What is he going to have me do? Will I have to call back past experiences and kill people? Find out next time on Dragonball Z!
…
Sorry, I had to get that out. Anyways, I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard Eli calling my name. “Ay yo Gurren!” He shouted.
I jumped a little and looked at him. “Oh hey, what’s up holmes?” I asked, realizing what I said shortly after I said it. I cleared my throat and fixed myself. “Sorry, what’s up?”
“Nothing much man, but I got a question for you.” I noticed: Magie-Benutzer was no longer with us, the sun was set, the moon was in the sky, and we were standing in front of what looked like an army barracks but with a bit more pazaz. I guess it was the golden trim. “What’s it like being human?” Eli asked.
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Well… I can’t really tell you without making myself seem like a bad guy…” I stretched my left arm, since my right arm is cybernetic, and continued scratching the back of my neck. “Life where I was from was… unstable, to say the least. My family was simple. My mother, father, brother, sister, and me lived in a two bedroom house in a low income area…
“Life wasn't difficult, but it was still troubling. At a young age I joined a gang, a group of people that do bad things for the benefit of themselves, because one of my friends was murdered.” I stopped scratching my neck and shifted my weight a bit uneasily. “Can we not talk about this? It was a dark time in my life and I feel uncomfortable talking about it.”
Eli gave me a fake grin, how I know it was fake is cause there was a twinge in his eye that said it was. “Whoa whoa whoa dude, calm down. If you remember what I asked, I wasn't asking about your life story.” He chuckled. “But I’m pretty sure through what you've told me, life as a human is tough.” Eli looked away and lowered his voice. “Still wondering where Dad’s stories came from.” He tried to whisper.
I rose an eyebrow. “What do you mean your father’s stories?”
He shrugged and looked up at the moon. “My father, Prince Firewall as you may know him, used to tell me stories about when he was younger that he used to be human.” Elliot chuckled somberly. “Stories of him helping King Terrance and Queen Faust protect Equestria from forces of unspeakable evils. He used to fight with such agility, such power, such… greatness, that when he disappeared for several centuries they honored him by giving ponies a second form and declaring him nobility.” He chuckled again. “But that’s just a tall tale he made up. Everyone already knows that the reason why he’s nobility is because he married Princess Luna, my mother.”
After several moments of silence we heard the door to the barracks open up and a crimson unicorn with a dark pink mane stepped out. Eli’s face lit up when he saw her. “Lookin as good as always Mag.”
After Elliot said that I realized that that was Magie-Benutzer without the armor and the armor must have been enchanted with an appearance altering spell, ones of which I excel in. Maggie smiled. “Damn right I am, but I’m still way out of your league.”
Eli’s smile dropped to a frown and his ears landed on his head as I chuckled. “Come on Mag, why you always gotta shoot me down?”
Maggie chuckled and started walking past us, using her tail to tease Elliot… or at least it looked like teasing. “Cause kid, you’ll never have a shot when trying to hit on me.”
Eli’s smile came back and he threw a leg around Maggie. “Alright lass, give me one night to impress you and show you a good time if I don’t end up making you happy, then I’ll never hit on you again.”
Magie-Benutzer raised a brow. “And if you actually impress me, me and you start dating?”
Eli nodded. “Trust me Mag, I can show you a whole new world.” I laughed silently at the reference that they will never get.
Maggie put a hoof to her chin in thought. “And you swear to your Aunt Celestia that you’ll stop hitting on me?”
Eli crossed his heart with his free hoof and then rested it in the same spot. “I, Prince Andres Midnight Elliot, swear to my aunt, Princess Celestia the ruler of the Day, to my Mother, Princess Luna the ruler of the Night, to my Father, Prince Firewall the greatest General to every lead the Equestrian Military, and to my good name that I will stop hitting on you if I proceed to fail to impress you.” He let go of Maggie and gave her a cheeky grin. “So what do you say, do we have a deal?”
My mental alarm went off and I reached into one of the inner pockets of my jacket. I searched through my jacket for a minute trying to find my medication, generally tuning out the world. After what felt like too long, I pulled out the long dark brown piece of rolled up paper along with my gold plated lighter that I also stole from previously mentioned Drug Lord. I put one edge of the paper in my mouth and lit the other. I took a drag, breathed in the smoke, and let out the excess.
I tuned myself back into reality to find Magie-Benutzer and Elliot shaking hooves. “It’s a deal.” Eli stated.
I took the blunt out of my mouth and inserted myself back into the conversation. “So what are we doing right now?” I asked.
Eli looked at me and grinned. “Well, me and Mag were just making an agreement about a personal problem between us. I have no clue what you’re doing though.”
I took another drag. “Waiting on you two.” I blew a ring of smoke into the air and put my hood up.
“Oh shit that’s right,” Maggie exclaimed “we’re supposed to be going to that club. Just follow me, I know the way.” She then started to lead us to wherever this club was supposed to be.
The entire way there was spent in silence, other than the occasional muttering from Eli, and costed me my entire blunt. But I wasn't complaining, I usually never got high from it and didn't enjoy the feeling of it. Drugs don’t affect me like alcohol does. With drugs, thank god I quit them, I rarely ever got a feeling from them, but then you have alcohol. Alcohol is something that I end up being a lightweight in, I can’t handle alcohol.
But thats just my problem, doesn’t matter. We turned a corner and I was able to see an unmistakably bright night club. There was a large line of ponies in front of the club that were most likely waiting to go in.
Magie-Benutzer led us past the line of ponies before we were stopped by a dark orange unicorn stallion with a black mane. “Hey Maggie! Hey Eli!” The stallion exclaimed as we were approaching him.
Elliot was the first to greet him. “Swifty! My nigga!” The two hoof bumped as we stopped to talk to him. “What’s up man?”
‘Swift’ shrugged. “Nothin much bro. Life’s been good as always.” He looked over to Maggie. “What’s up sis? Comin to your favorite club to blow off some steam?”
Magie-Benutzer nodded. “Yeah, long day at work breaking in the new guy.” She signalled over to me.
The stallion then looked over at me to check me up and down. “Damn. Is he like a Diamond Dog or Minotaur without any horns?”
I spoke up and offered my hand. “I’m human and relatively new to Equestria.” Swift accepted my hand for my fourth hand-to-hoof shake of the day. “The name’s Gurren.”
“My name’s Swift-Kämpfer, Magie-Benutzer’s older brother.” He stated with a smile.
“It’s nice meeting you Swift.” I said, nodding.
“So Swift” Maggie started “if you don’t mind me asking, but what are you doing at a nightclub? They’re not really your scene.”
“I’m here meeting a few of my co-workers. I wanted to know if they wanted to go out and get drinks after work and they suggested this place. Only time I ever heard of it was when you talked about it so I thought ‘What the hay, I’m up for it!’” He lightly tapped his hoof against the ground. “Then it turns out that you have to be on the list to get in and my co-workers were already in the club before I got here.”
Maggie put a leg around her brother and poked him in the chest. “Brother, you don’t have to worry about a thing. Your little sister Mag is on the VIP list and will get you in.” She then stopped hanging on him and looked him seriously for a moment. “But you owe me a solid after this.”
Swift chuckled. “Deal.”
Maggie smiled and stuck her hoof out towards the door. “Then onwards my friends, to party we go!”
“Time for one hell of a night.” I thought to myself.
Entering Equestria: Gurren's Tale
Chapter 2: First Order of Business
My eyes shot open and I was assaulted by a bright light. I sat up straight, reaching for Calamity. There was nothing. Looking around the room frantically, I found out two things. 1) I’m ass naked on a King size bed lying next to a mint green unicorn. 2) Calamity nor Marie were nowhere to be found. At least my underwear and jeans were sitting on the floor in front of the bed.
After taking a minute to calm down, I slowly slid off the bed and put on the only articles of clothing I could see. That’s when my senses started to kick back in. I was smacked in the face with: the feeling of nausea and a headache, the smell of sex drugs and alcohol, and the taste of mint in my mouth. First day in Equestria and I already get drunk and bed one of the locals. Eh, I guess it’s better than planting semtex all over the castle. I would do something like that, trust me, I would.
I took another look around the room and found my two favorite weapons on a dresser near the door. Well, Marie was more of stabbed into the thing and Calamity looked like it was being presented to some drug lord looking to buy a golden desert eagle. Oh the irony. Anyways, I walked over to them and ran some maintenance.
I stopped cleaning Marie, I didn’t give a fuck that she wasn’t dirty I still wanted to clean her, when I heard rustling from the bed. I looked back to see the unicorn starting to wake up. “Ugh… my head… how much did I drink last night?” She whined.
“Good morning.” I greeted absent-mindedly.
“Oh… my… Celestia.” She said slowly. “I actually did it!”
I looked back at her and saw her sitting up. Eyes wide and a huge smile on her face. I felt a little unsure of what might happen next. “Stop that, it’s making feel uncomfortable.”
She dropped her smile a bit and climbed off the bed. “Sorry but, I’m just so happy!” She walked up next to me as I put Marie in her sheath. “So… I probably asked you this last night but, what’s your name big guy?” She asked with half lidded eyes.
I gently pushed her away. “The name’s Gurren and if anything, that was a one night stand. Sorry.” Her smile dropped and she started to pout. “No offense doll, but I’m not someone you want to be involved with.” I smirked. “I’m a very dangerous man.”
She put on her own smirk and got closer than she was last time. “Maybe…” she got up on her hind legs and put her forelegs on my chest “I need a big, strong, and very dangerous man to protect me.” She rested her head on my chest. “What do you say Gurren? Come with me and I can satisfy all your desires.”
I brought my face closer to hers and whispered. “As tempting as it is to have a fuck buddy thats a pony…” I gently brushed a stray strand of hair out of the way of her eyes “the answer is still no.” I took a step back and let her fall to the floor.
She rolled her eyes and started to make her way towards the door. “Well, if you ever change your mind, find me in Ponyville.”
She opened the door and started to walk out. “If I change my mind, how am I supposed to find you when I don’t know your name?”
She looked back at me with a smile. “The name’s Lyra, Lyra Heartstrings.” I watched as Lyra walked through the halls with a slight sway to her hips.
I chuckled to myself. “She thinks I’m gunna go for seconds. Never gonna happen again.” I turned back towards the room. “Now where the hell are my clothes?”
====----________----====
I walked out of the room and put my hood up. “Now, to find Firewall.” I walked through the never ending halls of what I’m damn fucking sure is the castle of never ending twists and fucking turns for what felt like an hour. I stopped walking and looked at the same aqua blue vase, that I swear I passed by three times, sitting between two windows overlooking the Royal Gardens. “You know what?” I said to the vase. “I’m just about ready to throw you out the fucking window.”
I stared down the vase until I heard snickering coming from the right. I quietly walked over and sat on the edge of the corner. The snickering was getting closer. I turned the corner to find Elliot walking next to a… thing. Like, no joke, this thing was a mix between several different species.
“Now that we've finished phase three of our plan, do you wanna grab something from the kitchen?” Eli asked.
“Hey Eli.” I greeted.
Elliot looked at me and his eyes widened. “Holy shit! You’re alive!”
I chuckled and nodded. “Damn straight I am.”
“Dude! You drank like, fifteen shots of Vodka mixed with Tequila last night! And then you go and disappear on us with some mare from the club. We never saw you after that.” He scratched the back of his neck. “So, if you’d like to share, I wanna know what happened after that.”
I shifted my weight to my right side and crossed my arms. “The only thing I know is that we somehow made our way back here and had sex.” I shrugged. “That’s all I know.”
“Well… if that’s all you remember… I can’t help you, I don’t know any memory spells. You should go see my father, he’s a unicorn for today and knows some high level spells.”
The species mix decided to speak up. “He should be in his office right now, over at the EIA.” It said in John de Lancie’s voice. I nearly lost my shit right then and there. My favorite character of all time’s actor’s voice was the one of this guy. “Oh! Where are my manners?!” He stuck out his lion’s paw. “I am the Great and Powerful Discord! Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony!”
I accepted his paw and nodded. “Nice meeting you Q.” I said with a smile.
Discord then bursted out laughing. After about a few minutes of him laughing, he calmed down. “I knew it!” He claimed. “I knew you were going to do that!” Discord turned towards Elliot. “What did I tell you? I told you-”
Eli simply rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. “-that he’s going to make a reference to his world.” he sighed. “Yeah, I know. I still have bits saying he’s not gonna stop making references.”
I chuckled a bit. “Damn straight I’m not. Just cause none of you will get them doesn't mean I’ll stop making them.” Then a realization dawned on me. “Holy shit… that means I can make as many racist jokes I want without getting yelled at.”
“No you can’t.” Eli said with a frown. “Anthony won’t allow it.”
I looked at him a bit confused. “Anthony? Who the hell is Anthony?”
“Anthony is the griffin standing right behind you.” I turned around to find exactly what Eli just said. A Griffin, a real Griffin, was standing right behind me, leaning up against the wall.
He wore a leather duster and a stetson, the scar over his right eye really stood out. Anthony tipped his hat at me. “Oi.” He greeted. “My name’s Anthony, Special Agent Anthony. Firewall noticed that you didn’t report to him this morning so he sent me to track you down.” Anthony smirked. “As much as I like to see another human running around,” he dropped his smirk “I don’t tolerate racist jokes.”
“Now then” Discord started “if that’ll be all you need from the two of us, we shall be off. Come along my little chaos friend, we have business to attend to.”
I never broke sight of the Griffin. “Oh, and remember this one tiny detail,” he whipped out a Smith and Wesson .500 Magnum Revolver with the word Mustang engraved on the side and pointed it at me. “stay on my good side, and you’ll never hear Mustang yell at you.” He chuckled and put away the gun. “Follow me, we’re going to go see Firewall.”
Anthony turned and went the way towards the evil vase. I walked up next to him and decided to start a conversation. “So… you said ‘Another human’ back there. Does that mean-”
“Yes.” He replied flatly. “And no, we’re not talking about it.”
I held up my hands at chest height. “I wasn’t even gonna ask.” The rest of the walk was spent in silence. It was… unnerving, to say the least. I was paired with a Griffin, that claims he was human and doesn’t wanna talk about himself being human, who I have close to no information about, this guy could be anybody. Being me… THAT FUCKING SINKS MY BATTLESHIP.
We eventually got to our destination, a large heavily guarded complex built right next to the castle. A sign out front said EIA Main Complex. There was a statue out front of; two ponies, a griffin, a dog(?), and a dragon, all saluting. On the statue was a golden plaque that read.
This statue is dedicated to all of those who lost their lives protecting Equestria from her enemies.
Rendezvous with your allies in Elysium.
The statue was quite impressive. It kind of reminded me of the Marine Corps War Memorial… kind of. We walked past it and into the building.
Behind the front desk sat a dark yellow unicorn mare with a pink mane. She looked like she was concentrating on something behind the desk. Anthony motioned for me to be quiet. The unicorn looked up from her desk and deadpanned. “You’re late, again.” She told Anthony.
He let out a heavy sigh. “Hello to you too, Pusher.” He greeted.
The Unicorn rolled her eyes. “When are you going to learn to get here on time?”
Anthony rolled his eyes. “I’ll learn to tell time when you stop being such a bitch!” They both let out their own heavy sighs. “So… are we still up for tonight?”
The unicorn went back to doing what she was doing. “Yeah, I’ll come over right after my shift is over.”
Anthony smiled. “Alright, see you later Pencil.” We went back to making our way through the building.
“Oh! Anthony!” Pencil Pusher called. We both stopped and looked at her. “Firewall is waiting for you two in Meeting Room Charlie.”
Anthony nodded and sent a wink to her. “Thanks love.”
“I told you not to calm me that.”
We continued forward. “Don’t care!” Anthony opened the door and let me go in first. There were many different species moving about the room. Ponies, Griffins, Zebras, bipedal dogs, and dragons (that were as tall as me) could be seen. There were a small handful of the workers that weren’t sitting at a computer discussing things in front of a whiteboard. Almost as soon as I entered the room, almost all eyes were glued on me.
Anthony stepped into the room and guided me to a small room in the back of the room we were currently in. We entered and shut the door behind us, letting the room become completely dark.
“Would you kindly, hit the lights?” A voice asked from inside the room. Anthony hit a switch next to the door and the room was illuminated by a fluorescent light. The room looked like an everyday meeting room that you’d see in some corporate office. Large table, rolling chairs, a projector, pull down screen, and guy that gets paid way more than you in a big chair with his back turned towards you.
The chair turned around slowly to reveal a unicorn version of Firewall. “Would you kindly, take a seat?” He asked. Anthony walked over and took a seat in one of the chairs. I took the seat at the head of the table. “Good.” Firewall’s horn lit up and a small wooden box was levitated from under the table. The box opened and Firewall took a cigar out of it. “Want one?” He offered.
“Sure.” I responded. He closed the box and gave it a good push, letting it slide to me. I stopped it in front of me, opened it, took one, and slided it back to Firewall. I kicked my feet up as I lit it. I took a slow drag and looked back at Firewall. “So… why’d you call me here?”
He pulled a file out from under the desk and threw it to me. I let it slide to a stop in front of me. Two pictures had slid out of the vanilla folder. One of those dogs, and a dragon. “Special Agents Razor Tooth and Raptor were sent on a mission to follow a lead on a trafficking ring in Ponyville two weeks ago… They were supposed to report their findings two days ago.”
I opened the file and read through it. I shrugged. “So… what? They’re late on their report, give them until this afternoon to call in and you’ll be good.” As I read through the file I realized that these two were never late for their reports. “Oh…”
“Exactly. As you can see, they’re always on time for their reports so that says two things. Either they started getting lazy, or they’ve gone MIA. And I have my money on the MIA.” Firewall explained. He pulled out yet another dossier and passed it to me. I put down the first one and picked the second one up. “Special Agent Gamemaster.” Firewall said as I looked at several mugshots of the same red unicorn with a darker red mane.
I held up my hand, telling Firewall not to say anything. “Wait, don’t tell me… he’s going to be my handler?” He nodded and I smiled.
“You’ll be stationed in Ponyville until the mission is over.” Firewall put his cigar on an ashtray. “And this mission does include tracking down the source of the trafficking ring.”
“Alright, how much am I getting paid?” I asked, kicking my feet up on the table.
“You’ll be paid 1,000 up front and 5,000 when you complete the mission. You’ll get another 5,000 as a bonus if you find Agents Razor and Raptor.” Firewall leaned back in his chair. “Well, what do you say Artren? Would you kindly, do this mission for me?”
I put my cigar down. “No.” I answered simply.
“Well, why not?” He picked back up his cigar.
“Cause you keep asking me to do it kindly and I simply hate that phrase for another reason unrelated to right now’s situation.” There’s a reference in there. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d help you if you didn’t brainwash your operatives.” I gestured towards Anthony, who’s been staring blankly at the wall across from him this entire time.
After a few minutes of silence they bursted out laughing. “I told you he would get it!” Anthony said through breaths. “I said ‘Use the ‘Would you kindly’ phrase and he’ll mention where it’s from’ and what did he do? He made reference! He didn’t really say it directly, but he said it!”
I smirked. “So Anthony, when’d you play the game?”
“I played it when it first came out.” He responded with a smile. “Bioshock? Best game ever! Ten outta ten! I fuckin loved it!”
“Whoa whoa whoa. What about the second one? I mean, the multiplayer wasn’t that good, but it didn’t make the game any worse.” I shrugged.
Anthony’s smile slowly dropped. “They… they made a sequel? Was it… was it any good?”
“Well, yeah. I played it, along with that prequel Infinite, they were both pretty good.” I realized the inner look on his face was one of guilt. “Hey man, what’s wrong?”
He slammed, literally slammed, his head on the table and mumbled something incoherent.
I turned back towards Firewall. “Did I just touch upon a topic I wasn’t supposed to touch?”
He just simply shrugged. “Probably.”
“I didn’t come to Equestria willingly.” Anthony started. “My real name’s not even Anthony, I changed it to the first thing that came to mind when my new body was being created. I was a coward back on Earth. I took my life, seeking a better one. Hell was what I expected it to be. I was given an option, I can either go back and try again in another world or I can rot in hell for the rest of eternity.
“December 5, 2008. I took sleeping pills and put a magnum up to my head. I had nothing to lose. Family? Either dead or distancing themselves from my failure. Friends? Gone. Everyone I trusted left me.” I lifted his head off the table. His eyes were puffy and he looked like he was ready to cry. “They left me. Do you know what it feels like to be abandoned?”
I stood up and looked him in the eyes. “I’ve known pain.” I walked over and put my hands on his shoulders. “But right now, you need to man up. The past is the past and the future is now. We must fight to ensure our prosperity.” I pulled his gun out of its holster and held it sideways. “This is your sword, and your shield is valor. Whether you choose to wallow in the past or choose to look forward is your choice.”
Anthony smiled and accepted his gun. “And when the hero chooses to fight. He will fight and along the way find brothers in arms.” He put a claw on my shoulder. “I’m sorry Gurren, but please don’t mention anything that happened after December 5, 2008.”
I shrugged. “Touchy topic, I get it.” I gave him a genuine smile. “Now stop being a little pussy, we have a Unicorn to meet!” I stood up and grabbed the two files off of the table. “I’ll do the job Firewall! I don’t need the 1k right now so I’ll just accept it along with my 10k!”
“So, you’re confident that you’ll find Razor Tooth and Raptor?” Firewall asked.
I nodded, gave him a thumbs up, and a large grin. “Believe it!”
Firewall turned towards Anthony. “Special Agent Kazimir escort Special Agent Artren to the train station, please.”
Anthony nodded and turned towards me. “Let’s go Naruto, we got places to go and Akatsuki to fight.”
I turned back to him. “Alrighty then Sasuke-Chan! To victory we go!”
He chuckled. “If anything I’d rather be Killer Bee than Sasuke. Let’s just go before we turn on each other.” He led me out of the room and into the lobby of the building where a gold dragon was leaning up against the front desk.
The dragon noticed us instantly and signaled for us to come over. We did so and he greeted us with a smile. “Evenin Kaz, how yuh doin?” He said with a southern accent.
“I’m doin good Jack, just helpin out our newest agent get to his handler.” Anthony replied, motioning towards me.
The dragon looked at me and offered his claw. “Howdy, the name’s Jack Sanderson. But yuh can jus call me Jack.”
I accepted his claw and gave him a firm handshake. “A pleasure, Jack.”
“Uh handshake tells uh lot bout uh man.” A smirk appeared across his features. “But Ah’m not ere tuh make nice with yuh, I’m ere tuh deliver yuh yer uniform.” He motioned to the package under his arm. “Dis ere son-of-uh-bitch was made fer yuh specially.” Jack tossed me the package.
I caught it and started to open it. “How were you all able to get my measurements?”
“I think I can answer that.” A familiar voice called from across the room. The mare from last night stepped into view. “It’s good to see you again Mister Artren.” Lyra greeted with a smile.
I let out a sigh. “Hello Lyra, it’s good to see you too.”
“What’s wrong Artren? Not happy to see another one of your ‘fuck buddies’?” Jack and Anthony barely held back a laugh. She let out a chuckle. “Don’t worry Mister Artren, nothing happened between us last night.”
“She’s lying.” a voice in the back of my head said. “You’re a terrible liar, Miss Heartstrings.” I leaned up against the desk. “How else were you able to get me completely naked and on a bed?” Jack and Anthony couldn’t hold their laughs back anymore and let it out. “Children please, quiet down as the adults speak.”
“Ah, so you’ve seen through my bluff.” Lyra smiled. “But besides the fact of us having sex, I was able to sneak out of the room earlier in the morning and get your jacket delivered to a tailor. A trusted tailor, mind you. He took the measurements from the jacket and I used my knowledge of how tall you are to have him fit the robe to the perfect height.” She shifted her weight a bit. “Well, not perfect, but approximate.” I realized I stopped opening the package when Lyra stepped in and, needless to say, I got back to opening it.
When I opened it completely, I was greeted by the sight of pitch black silk. I pulled the robe out and threw the packaging on the desk. I held up the robe to get a good look at it. “It’s pitch black, that’s good.” I thought to myself. “It’s made out of silk, that’s another plus. It’s got a hood, thats also a plus.” I took off my jacket and put the robe on. Instantly I felt a cool sensation wash over me. “An enchantment to keep me cool? Nice.” I looked over at Lyra. “So, what other cool things come with it?”
She pulled out a list from, and I am not exaggerating when I say this, out of nowhere and read it to me. “Cloud walking, levitation for the duration of a minute, head’s up display,” a little icon of myself appeared to the right of my vision “invisibility for a short period of time, and last but not least…” She looked at me and deadpanned. “You do anything against our orders and we’ll shock you with .15 amps of electricity.” Her smile immediately came back. “Have fun with taking it off!”
I leaned back up against the front desk. “You guys really don’t want your operatives to get away, do you?”
Lyra chuckled under her breath. “Calm down Mister Artren, it was just a joke. We’re not going to shock you with enough amps to cause nerve damage.”
“Actually, .15 amps wouldn’t cause nerve damage, it’s .18 amps that causes nerve damage. I should know, I’ve used electricity to interrogate people before.” I said with a smile.
Lyra nodded happily. “That’s good to know Mister Artren.” She turned towards Pencil Pusher, who was sitting there reading a magazine. “Write that down somewhere.” Pencil quickly nodded and wrote it down on the front of her magazine. “Not where I expected you to write it down, but it works.”
“Would you rather have me write it down in a PlayMare?” Pencil asked.
“PlayMare is essentially PlayGirl from Earth.” The voice in the back of my head said.
“And why do I have a voice in the back of my head?” I thought to myself.
“Cause you’ll need assistance during your journey. Don’t call me ‘Voice in the back of your head’, call me Prophet.” The voice in the back of my head stated.
“Ok, voice in the back of my head.” I stopped focusing on the conversation between Prophet and I and went back to listening to the real world.
“Look,” Lyra said “all I’m trying to say is that Firewall doesn't appreciate it when his employees are looking at pornography when they should be working.”
Pencil Pusher rolled her eyes. “Well, what else am I going to do? We’re buckin Celestia’s Secret Service, the only thing I do here is make sure we don’t have some PMCs busting down our front door looking for a fight!” Her horn started to glow and a modified FN P90 was levitated from below the desk. “Do you know how many times I’ve shot this thing? ZERO. The only times I had to take this gun out from underneath this desk was now and during the Changeling invasion.”
She levitated out a modified Glock 23 handgun, but this time from a drawer. “And don’t even get me started on how rare the sun shines on this one.” Now, when I say modified for these weapons, I mean the gun was modified for a pony to use.
“I would ask how many guns you have down there,” I started “but I don’t know if I wanna know the answer.” Pencil looked at me with a face that said ‘are you kidding me’.
“Oh don’t worry, I just have one last gun that I’ll never be allowed to use.” She replied. She pulled out, and I shit you not when I say this, a modified 80.002 Assault Rifle/Grenade Launcher and handed it to me. “This one’s my favorite.”
The 80.002 Double Barrel Assault Rifle, commonly mistaken as an AK-47 with a barrel attachment to use more rounds. This beautiful women of a weapon was never used by the Russian military, although made by Kalashnikov, but found it’s way onto the black market and into the hands of one happy Ex-Thief. I owned the gun for a month before a sniper round tore it to two. I looked up at Pencil with a pleading look. “Can I have it?” I asked sincerely.
Pencil looked at Lyra, who seemed unsure about letting me have it. “I don’t know, you’re going to have to talk to Firewall about it.” Lyra said uneasily as she watched my hug the beauty.
“Anthony!” I turned to my right to find a blinking dotted outline of Anthony’s body standing where he was supposed to be. “Wow, thanks for ditching me man. Hey Ja-” Same thing for where Jack was standing. “I should have expected that.” I turned back towards Pencil and carefully handed her the rifle. “So Miss Heartstrings, can you escort me to the train station so I can meet my handler in Ponyville?”
Lyra nodded and smiled. “Of course Mister Artren, I was already going to Ponyville. Grab your jacket, we leave now.” I did as she told me and grabbed my hoodie from off the desk.
“Ready.” I put up the hood to the robes and waited for Lyra.
“Let’s go.”
====----________----====
I knocked on the door of the small house located in the middle of Ponyville. Lyra left so she can go see someone, halfway through the walk to here. I waited for a minute before knocking again. The door swung open and a extremely pale dragon thrusted a sword in my direction. I grabbed its wrist and dodged the blade before disarming the dragon. I swept its legs out from under it and slammed it to the ground.
“Sutoppu!” I heard a voice order before I can land a hit on the dragon. I looked to the right to see the red unicorn I’m supposed to be reporting to standing in the hallway with a disappointed look on his face and a smoking pipe in his mouth. Strange, I don’t smell smoke. “Anata dare?” He asked in what I think, and I cannot stress the word think enough, was Japanese.
Here we go, time for a shot in the dark. I’ve only learned three Japanese phrases in my entire life. ‘Do you speak English’, ‘Do you speak Russian’, and ‘Where, and how you can get the best ramen in the world’. Let’s hope I don’t get any of them mixed up. “Doko de, sekai de saikō no rāmen o eru koto ga dekimasu ka?” I asked in Japanese, hoping I didn’t say the ramen one.
He gave me a confused look and chuckled. “My father made the best Ramen in the world… your Griffonic accent is heavy.” Gamemaster stated in near perfect English.
“I asked the Ramen one?” I asked as I felt the dragon disappear from my grasp. I looked down to find it gone.
“Yes, you did, but do not worry about it. I know why you’re here.” Gamemaster gestured to the couches to his left. I walked over and took a seat. “I trust that Firewall briefed you already?”
“Yes sir.” I nodded and pulled my hood down. “I have been fully briefed on the situation and understand what I am tasked to do.” I pulled out the mission dossier and handed it to him. “I am to investigate a local trafficking ring that Special Agents Razor Tooth and Raptor were tasked to investigate and terminate.”
He looked over the file and gestured for me to go on. “Uh… with what little I know about the two, I can already tell that they’ll be in a lot of trouble and I’m here to pull their asses out of the fire.” I looked over at the pipe he had in his mouth and realized it was made out of bamboo. “Is that pipe even lit?” A thought escaped my mouth.
Gamemaster looked up and shook his head slowly. “No, I do not smoke and never will. This is a lucky pipe that was given to me by my older brother. It has never touched a single shred of tobacco in all its existence. And I intend to keep it that way.”
I sat back and rested my arm against the back of the couch. “So it’s just for show?”
Gamemaster nodded and went back to reading the dossier. “I keep it with me at all times, much like my chopsticks.” He pulled out a pair of metal chopsticks and twirled them around in his hoof. “I see here that they’ve been missing for a couple days.”
“Two, to be exact.”
“That’s what I said.” He handed me the dossier and a key. “This house will be your base of operations for the duration of your assignment in Ponyville. Every and all agents working in Ponyville have been alerted of your presence and will be keeping a keen eye on you. If you cause problems, both I and Firewall will know of them.” Gamemaster stood up and started to make his way to the door. “Are we understood?”
I stood, put up a salute, and nodded. “Yes, sir.”
“Good. Good luck during your stay in our humble little town.” He stopped and looked at me over his shoulder with a smirk. “You’re going to need it.” He exited and left me to ponder what he said.
“What does he mean by ‘You’re going to need it’?” I thought to myself. “Hey Prophet, you wanna help me with this.”
“No.” He stated bluntly.
“Geez, fine… dick.” There was a knock at the door and I quickly answered it. A hot pink pony with a darker pink mane was standing right outside of my door. “Hello?”
She turned towards me and smiled so wide that I’m surprised her face didn’t split in half. “Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie! You must be new here in Ponyville cause I don’t recognize you and I know everypony in Ponyville! I saw you step off the train with Lyra and I thought ‘Who’s that hiding under the blanket’ and I just had to find out! So, I followed you to here and waited a minute before Gamey left so I can meet you!
“And when Gamey left I came over and knocked on your door! And now here we are sitting here talking! Well we’re not really sitting but sometimes you’re just one step away from sitting! Well anyways what’s your name!?” The pink pony finished her rant of a thousand words a second.
I stood there confused on what to do. I can either be rational and greet her with a smile or I can do it my way and slam the door in her face. “Gurren.” I stated simply. No clue what possesed me and put some sense in my head to get me to tell her my name, but I’m glad it happened.
I mentally smacked myself across the face a couple of times and straightened myself out. “Uh, um… My name’s Gurren, nice to meet you.” I greeted the pink pony. “Real quick, what did you say your name was?”
“I’m Pinkie Pie!” She chirped.
A giant amount of energy encased in a small pink horse? Sounds like something Garrett would have loved. “Nice to meet you Miss Pie.”
Pinkie Pie giggled and pulled a cupcake out of nowhere. “There’s going to be a town-wide meeting at town hall at 6 PM! Everypony in Ponyville is encouraged to come! Welcome to Ponyville Gurren!” She gave me the cupcake and bounced, literally bounced, away.
I sat there a little unsure of how to react to that Wild Wasteland worthy occurrence. “Okay then…” I started “that happened.” I slowly shut the front door and went back to the living room. “Now what do I do?”
“Check over the dossier, look for specifics. What did Firewall give you as intel?” Prophet said.
“Are you reading my thoughts?” I asked/thought.
“Yes.” He replied. I grinned evilly and sat down on the couch. “Don’t you dare.”
“Are you going to keep reading my thoughts?”
“Honestly, I have no choice other than read them.” I leaned back and thought about having sex with my ex-girlfriend. I’m not gonna get into any details, but she was into some kinky shit. “No! Stop! What are you doing?” You can hear the disgust in his voice. “Oh my god! I-is that what I think it is? HOLY FUCK IT IS! WHY - IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY - DOES SHE HAVE THAT?!” I stopped thinking about me using a riding crop on her and went back to having my mind blank. “I FUCKING HATE YOU!”
“Not my problem.” I chuckled to myself and lied down. “I’m just showing you a small portion of what's gonna be going through my head.”
“I’m going to fucking hate you from hell to heaven three times over.” I chuckled to myself some more and stared up at the ceiling.
“Many people do, not surprised you would too.” I stated aloud.