The Placement Agency

~~~~~Canterlot High Courthouse~~~~~

31st Day of Summer’s Height, Lunaris Inquiry Session #1

Case File: The Crown V. New Life Placement Agency (Re: Lady Elegant, Quill Tip, Golden Apple, Fizzy Pop)
Judge Rock presiding, Princess Luna advising
Atny Disaster Chaser present
Prosecutor White Cravat Present
No Defendants present
Court Reporter - Double Scoop, Equestria Times
Court Transcriber - Kwerty Davorak
Witnesses Present: Sweet Tart, Golden Apple (Holding Cell 2, Witness Status unverified.)

Princess Luna - We call this Inquisition into the actions of Lady Elegant and her conspirators to order!

Judge Rock - I beg your pardon Princess Luna, but this is an Inquiry, not an Inquisition. We are not here to torture or otherwise coerce confessions out of anypony. We are here to listen to important testimony regarding new evidence in this case.

Princess Luna - - {Muttering} Mine sister needs to stop getting my hopes up… Very well! Call forth this witness, so that we might hear their words on this matter.

Judge Rock - Princess Luna, I would beg your indulgence to speak as to the nature of the Aegis Lunaris laws, and what they will mean for the proceedings. Not for myself, I stress, but for the public record.

Princess Luna - Hmph. Very well. Aegis Lunaris, or Shield of the Moon laws were enacted to protect Equestrian interests in times of great legal crisis. Given the likely incendiary nature of upcoming testimony, these laws provide a broad array of legal protections from reprisal by outside sources as well as ensuring that anypony who wishes to speak to the nature of these crimes may be assured that their identities and livelihoods will be protected by the Crown.

These protections will include but are not limited to, protections from civil suits, protection from baronial prosecution, and protection from court martial or military arrest. Furthermore, all testimonials given and all confessions made during these Inquisit- Inquiries are to be considered Top Secret information and cannot be used to pursue the prosecution of the witnesses or defendants without approval from my sister or myself.

Judge Rock - Thank you, Princess Luna. This court appreciates your assistance in clarifying these matters. Now, let us move along. This court calls Sweet Tart to the stand!

Double Scoop’s Notes: Sweet Tart is a female earth pony. Unlike the previous defendants, she appears to be extremely well composed and is wearing a professional-looking suit, skirt and shoes in dark red. They compliment her dull brown coat and bright yellow eyes, and a dark black mane that is cut short and utilitarian in nature. Oddly enough, I didn’t even notice her entering the room until Judge Rock spoke. Hm. I’m usually a lot more observant than that.

Judge Rock - Miss Sweet Tart. You have been called before this Inquiry Court to testify to the nature of your employment with the New Life Placement Agency and your role within the company. Do you understand why we have called you here?

Sweet Tart - I’ve a fairly good idea, your Honor.

Judge Rock - Why did you not come forward earlier with your testimony, then?

Sweet Tart - I’m afraid I couldn’t until now, your Honor. It’s kind of complex.

Judge Rock - Then please, enlighten us as to the complexities.

Sweet Tart - Before I do, your Honor, I have a request of the court.

Judge Rock- Say on.

Sweet Tart - I… I would like somepony here to tell me they need me to come do something for them immediately after I have given my testimony. Please. Your Honor.

Princess Luna - A strange request, but very well. I shall require you to come to the Palace immediately following thy testimony, so I might become more familiar with your observations on the accused.

Sweet Tart - Th-thank you, Princess. Ahem. My name is Sweet Tart, and I was a… I suppose you could call me a ‘fixer’ for the New Life Placement Agency.

Judge Rock - According to the documents I have, your name does not appear on the company rolls.

Sweet Tart - I’m hardly the only somepony with that problem, your Honor. But we’ll get to that. I was one of the earlier subjects to Fizzy Pop’s experiments, and the first pony to be affected by what he later called ‘severe reality warping.’

Judge Rock - Explain.

Sweet Tart - To explain that, I need to go back to what brought me to the Agency in the first place.

~~~~~Three Years Ago~~~~~

I was working for a small financial firm called Numbers Solutions just off Cherry Street in Manehatten when this all began. My boss, the Business Numbers of Numbers Solutions, was on one of his passionate tirades about how to improve the efficiency and professionalism of his business. He’d been taking tips from Filthy Rich again, and was trying to improve the overall mood of his executive meetings with big clients.

I was his secretary and executive assistant at the time, and I’m not bragging when I say I was damn good at my job. I never dropped an appointment or missed a beat in making sure everything ran smoothly at the executive level. I was good at what I did, and I was well paid for it even if I didn’t have much of a social life. My boss was even a pretty good stallion, all things considered. He never thought of me in any kind of sexual way, was devoted to his family and worked hard to make sure I got some time off every year to go see my own extended family in Trottingham. But on the flipside, I did have to suffer through all of his passion projects from time to time.

Oh, there were plenty of those. The ‘flex hours’ thing was nice for a while, and so was the ‘open office’. I actually quite liked having a ping-pong table in the break room, truthfully. But I still have nightmares about ‘crunch time,’ and don’t get me started on that whole ‘official titles’ thing he was obsessed with for a while. But the last passion he had was a new concept of how to make maximum use of your employees skills while making it look easy. It had some kind of funny name that I can’t recall right now, but the basic concept was that while he appreciated everything I did, he needed me to try to do so in such a way that I wouldn’t ever be visible unless someone was directly looking for me.

I’ve got to admit, I was stumped by that one. I’d worked hard at being an enthusiastic student of his methods, but this one threw me for a major loop. I took some training courses he’d recommended to me, I did research on how to fade into the background, the whole deal. But I suppose my personality was simply too vivid and strong to actually commit to it the way I ought to have. I started getting nervous that he’d lose patience with me when a former colleague of mine by the name of Quickbolt contacted me, more or less out of the blue. Apparently, he’d had some spectacular results getting help from this ‘placement agency’ that specialized in unique and unusual job and training requests.

I was wary, but Quickbolt had never been a pony to overstate the efficacy of things and I was rather running out of time to get things in order. I decided that if it was just some kind of marketing hoax that I could at least extract a paid trip to Canterlot out of it. I told my boss about the possibilities of the new training the company could provide, and he was instantly enthusiastic. I figured if it was total dreck, I could use the chance to apply for some new positions while I was there. Canterlot’s always a high-demand market.

So. You can probably guess what happens next by now. We all met Fizzy Pop, you know that right? He insisted at being present every time somepony drank his secret sauce. I think he was looking for something, but you’d have to ask him personally about that. I came to the Agency, I ate the poison apple, yadda yadda yadda. No one gives a damn about that. I’m just a number in the grand scheme of things. You want to know what happened next, right? What’s my dark secret?

Hate to break it to you sugarlips, but my only dark secret is I wanted to be the best too badly. I walked into that room, thinking that I was going to learn how to be the best assistant ever. I figured maybe it was some kind of magic enhancement potion. I’d heard of secretaries in Neighpon taking invisibility potions or things like that. So I figured he had to be on the up and up. One doesn’t operate a criminal enterprise in Canterlot right out in public view, right?

So I drank it down. I thought about three seconds longer than most ponies do, but I was running out of time and I rather enjoyed my work. I didn’t notice anything strange at first, just the Doctor going wide eyed and glancing around the room after I tossed it back. I didn’t feel particularly funny at first, then I got this odd feeling of being lightweight and… I don’t really have the words for it. Ghostly? Whatever it was, I was sure Quickbolt would be impressed. But when I found out what he’d been aiming for...

Ahem. You don’t need to hear about that. Point was, I went in with a goal. And I accomplished my goal, alright? I walked out of there, happy as a clam. Nopony noticed me. For goodness’ sake, I even tried doing a little sneaking around Canterlot just to see how well the stuff worked. It was like nopony could even see me no matter where I went. I even did some experiments. I wrote my name into someone else’s reservation for a table at Shu’s. I snuck past the bellhops at the Canterlot Royal Theatre to see that Harmony Returns musical. I snuck into… and out of… the Royal Palace, all by my lonesome. I was utterly invisible.

Then I went back to Manehatten. My boss was thrilled to see me, and happy to have me back at work. I was happy to be back at my job, and decided to show off my skills. Sure enough, once I had the daily tasks out of the way, I walked into his office and… Bam. It was like he was looking right through me. He looked up, as if he was searching for me. He walked all over his office looking for me, and even looked under the furniture. Then he got really, really happy and said “Miss Tart, I need you.” And he turned around, and nearly leapt out of his suit. “By Jiminy!” he said. “How did you do that?!”

I just gave him my best mysterious smile. I was an idiot. I should’ve said something about the potion. He would’ve been able to warn me. Probably would’ve been able to help me before things got out of hoof. Of course, I thought I was totally in control. For weeks, things seemed just fine. My boss came to appreciate my ability to get everything done without bothering a single soul, including himself. My efficiency increased dramatically even as my social life sort of died away. It was like everypony forgot I existed as soon as I was done with my task.

It wasn’t just like that, actually. It was what was actually happening.

~~~~Canterlot Guard HQ~~~~

Crown V. NLPA, Investigation Recording #48

Two voices muttering indistinctly, the sound of wooden chairs scraping against the floor. Then, the popping of paper lids. Shining Armor speaks first.

“Freakin’ Celestia, Tracy. Is this for real?”

Detective Rich Tracer speaks up next, sounding like he’s talking around a mouthful of something

“Gotta note from an ol’ contact of mine. We double checked her story against some reports, did a little backtracking.” A sluuuuuuuuurp sound “So yeah, Shiny. This shit is for real.”

“Shit.”

Silence, except for the sound of eating. Vegetables crunching, more noodle slurping, then Shining Armor speaks again.

“Kids, man. How did THAT happen, Tracy? What the fuck kind of sicko...”

“According to what I learned, there was a break in. Small gang of orphans from uh…”

The shuffling of paper. Muttering sounds.

“Our Lady of the Sun Wayward Foals Home. Sheesh, they give these places big names. Whatever. Was about… fifteen or twenty of them he thinks, numbers are sketchy ya dig? They got it into their heads that they could fix their lives by getting stuff out of the place. This one that came forward though, this uh… Wind Seeker, that’s her birth name. She says she’s the only one who’s still in Canterlot. Don’t know what happened to the rest of them but she does say they all grabbed a sip from what sounds like one of these potions the Lady was hockin’”

Clatter of a fork against a bowl, a tired sigh. Shining Armor speaks quietly.

“My sister’s losing her cool already, and now we gotta report this? Fifteen to twenty undocumented kids who’d had Celestia knows what done to them by it?”

A snort. Tracer speaks.

“Shiny, you’ve been on this job long enough to know how it works. Nopony gets out of somethin’ like this unharmed. Anyone who thinks little kids get spared because that’s how they want it to be is fuckin’ stupid. I’m honestly surprised it’s not worse than this. Thankfully near as we can figure, only maybe two or three hunndert’ of the ponies in the book had kids.”

Sound of spitting and coughing, faint spatter of liquid against the floor.

“Two or three hundred?! And that’s GOOD?!”

“That’s a lowball, Shiny. Ten percent of the vics had kids? Either Elegant was way more careful about pickin’ her targets than we thought, or we rolled the bones and got barn doors more times than we had any right to. More’n seventy percent of ponies in Canterlot got kids, Shiny. More’n sixty nationwide, if the last census is to be believed.”

A sigh, the scraping of wood on wood. Hooves hittin a desk. Tracy still speaking.

“Thank Celestia for the fuckin’ genealogy laws. We’re still tracking them down since it’s tough to do that without addresses, but everypony’s gotta register their foals with the Census when they’re born and whenever they move. That’ll give us somewhere to start on th’ ponies in this book. I thought you knew that shit, Shiny.”

Muttering, and the final clatter of a fork in an empty bowl. Shining Armor speaks grudgingly.

“I did know that, I just didn’t think it’d be useful. I suppose that’ll make it easier to find out what happened to the parent’s at least.”

A pause, then a sigh.

“This is already out of control, isn’t it, Tracer?”

“Shiny, this is just the fuckin’ beginnin’. So put on your big filly panties and get over it, because we got bigger zucchini to fry right now. Grab that file over there, the one in red, we need to start building Pony Of Interest sheets to send out to all the precincts.”

~~~~Back at the Trial~~~~~

Sweet Tart - After I was at the Company for a while, I learned a few things. Most importantly, I learned a curious fact about how long each of us lasted before we were forced to go back to the Company for help. Of all the victims, only Bluefeather lasted longer than I did. Though likely that was less by design and more a function of how important I was to my boss. But times changed, things changed, and when it finally came crashing down on my head…

I’ve got some papers here. I kept them as a souvenir and as a warning to myself. Nopony really needs you all the time. Even ponies who are madly in love with one another like privacy from time to time. When my ability to remain needed waned for just a small amount of time, everything changed. It happened all at once, really. One day, I came into the office and everypony just looked straight past me. I tried engaging my boss, but I got nowhere. For about… a week, I kept up the facade. Like a little house fairy out of legend, I kept the place tidy and did my tasks and never commented once about the discrepancy.

It wasn’t until my paycheque didn’t show up at my apartment on time that I got worried. I went back to the office the next morning and I quite yelled my head off, but nopony could see me. Nopony noticed me, or even seemed to care no matter what I did. I made quite a mess in the office that day, and I can distinctly remember the worried looks and frightened faces of my former coworkers as they began to speculate that the office was ‘haunted’. It was then, and only then that I began to realize the fatality of my error.

I went up to my office to find somepony else in it, doing my job. My files, my personal effects, my everything? Gone. Discord alone knows where they went, but they were gone and I was seized with panic. I raced home, fortunately finding most of my things still in tact. My rent was paid up for another month and so were my other bills. I would be fine for a place to live, but now I had a rather urgent money problem. I delved into my savings, and went to get something to eat. But there too did I find my curse had followed me.

I tried desperately to get clerks attention, so I could pay for my groceries. No restaurant would serve me, not even the hayburger place. I decided to do another experiment. I loaded up a cart with everything I would need for weeks, and walked right out of the store. Nopony looked at me twice or even tried to stop me. I went home. I nearly had a panic attack as I put away the food I’d just stolen - more than enough to get me arrested and jailed. I was invisible to anypony who didn’t need me, and at that present moment in time… nopony did. No one knew I was there. Nopony knew I existed.

I’d like you to take a moment and imagine what that’s like. Even the most private of ponies tend to have family or friends who care about them in one way or another. We’re a social race, it’s in our blood to want others to know we’re there. Even if they live far away, there’s somepony who’ll care if we go dark. But right then, right there, I might as well have been dead as far as the universe was concerned. Staying out of the limelight was second nature to me, and in a city like Manehatten where unless you put yourself front and center you might as well be part of the scenery? It was even worse.

I made do for a while. I had some considerable savings which I augmented with… extra legal activities. You’ll understand if I’d rather not go into the details. When my rent was due, surprise! The apartment owner could see me. When it was paid, I was a ghost. I used every method I had to stay in touch with ponies, but there was always a vague undercurrent of surprise when I got them to see me. Where had I been? What had I been doing? Why had I vanished from my job? I tried to explain, of course. But I suppose it all sounded like excuses. Nopony wants to believe bad things can happen to ponies they know, of course.

Eventually, the bits started to run thin. My lease was up soon, and in Manehatten no building manager really needs you as a tenant. I was running out of options. I went to the Police station, and… well, I’m not going to elaborate on where else I went looking for help. No one could see me, nopony could help. Except the ponies who’d done this to me. Before I left the city, I picked up a few things from the criminal element. Magical weapons are quite illegal in Equestria, but that doesn’t stop someponies from buying and selling them. I decided it might be prudent to bring a little insurance with me given what I might be walking into.

I came back to Canterlot on the train. I didn’t need to pay the fare either. Who would notice me, then? I walked past guard patrols holding my little insurance policy over my shoulder. I walked into the New Life Placement Agency, and walked straight into Fizzy Pop’s lab. He’d already been working on a new dose of his sauce. So I picked it up, and waited. Sure enough, he’d soon needed his potion for his next experiment. Except when he walked in, he saw me holding it with a surprise ready to fire off.

I’ve never seen a pony so comically terrified of anything in my entire life. We stood there in silence together, his eyes fixed on my toy. I’m not going to go into details about what I brought, but suffice it to say. well, knowing what I know now? I ought to have set it off and brought the whole damn place down on our heads.

Lady Elegant walked in a few minutes later to see the standoff. She took one look between us, and smiled. “I take it you’re looking for a job.” She said to me, as though she expected me to be there sooner. “Put that thing down, and let’s negotiate like adults, shall we?” She continued. For just a moment, I considered blowing us all to the Elysian Fields. But life is sweet when you get right down to it. I remember my next words, and how much I wish I could take them back now.

“First, let’s discuss my new position.”

~~~~~~~~~

Initial Medical Report: Dr. House Call, Dr. Cassock, Dr. Lumination, Dr. Wile E as attending physicians.
Regarding Patients: Rarity Belle, Fluttershy, Sweet Tart, Swizzle Stick and 5 other names.
Case Subject #00221, “Extreme Reality Warping”
To: Princesses Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Luna, Cadence and Prince Armor
Dr. House Call as transcriber.

Following our initial investigations into Fizzy Pop’s unknown alchemical substance, we have moved our attention to the more immediate concerns with the mental and physical well being of our four principal patients. Patients Rarity Belle and Fluttershy have so far refused further treatment on the grounds that they do not consider themselves to be in a medically treatable condition.

As per Equestrian medical rights and guidelines, both have been released into the custody of their immediate family and, in Fluttershy’s case, her current legal guardian Rainbow Dash. Both have volunteered their time for examination and testing in the hopes of aiding other patients, however. While I am no longer authorized to apply treatment to either mare, I strongly suggest psychological counseling for both of them over the new events in their lives.

Patient Sweet Tart and Swizzle Stick have both been far more cooperative for treatment. We have termed their conditions “Discordite Syndrome” as a short-hoof to make the condition seem less intimidating. Both ponies exhibit signs of powerful magical effects which previously had only been observed in enchanted artifacts or high-level ritual magic.

Of note, Patient Sweet Tart has exhibited all the signs of a pony under the effects of the Forget-Me-Now spell, first developed in the pre-classical era by Urtho Silencio. We have tried several versions of the most well known counter-spell to limited effectiveness. While Sweet Tart now has much more control over how long she remains ‘noticeable’, we have had to take several precautions to ensure that we do not simply forget about her existence.

Notably, we make certain that all of our interviews with her end with the phrase ‘I shall need to see you tomorrow, so rest well.’. This allows a continuity of need, which appears to temporarily relieve her condition. Unfortunately, this effect is not one-hundred percent effective. Furthermore, as the spell appears to be capable of sensing intent and without a genuine intent to see her the next day, we have occasionally lost track of the patient.

This is important, as her time spent invisible has badly damaged her psyche. She is nervous, twitchy, and oftentimes given to manic-depressive states when left alone for too long. Surprisingly, she has proven to be a superb companion to Patient Bluefeather. The magic which curses them both has a so far unexplored cancellation effect on each other. While this is far from perfect, Bluefeather’s attentiveness to Sweet Tart, and Sweet Tart’s desire for physical but not sexual companionship has proven to be an excellent treatment for both of their conditions. I would highly recommend that Bluefeather be allowed regular unrestricted visits with Miss Tart.

Her psychological damage, however, is extensive. She shows many signs of mildly severe Soldiers Syndrome and several other signs of psychological trauma including Claustrophobia and obsessive compulsive tendencies. She has fully internalized all of her supposed ‘crimes’ to the point where she does not see herself as deserving of life. She has shown extensive signs of trauma induced sociopathy, as well as various other forms of antisocial personality disorders likely as a result of her time spent in isolation. It is possible that given time and the support of Bluefeather and Golden Apple that Miss Tart might be able to isolate and ultimately defeat these conditions, but it will be years before the fruits of such labor would be seen.

Lastly, Miss Sweet Tart has exhibited extensive suicidal tendencies. She continues on not out of a joy of living, but rather to try and atone for the mistakes she made. She lacks a sense of danger towards herself, and may very well be capable of genuine self-harm. I would advise that steps are taken to ensure she is never left alone or unneeded to the point where she may make an attempt on her life.

However, in spite of many of these things, Miss Sweet Tart has shown an incredible resiliency when she is allowed to cloak her fears in professionalism. More than anything, the ability to do what she does well in a safe and friendly environment has allowed her to remain functional and even quite capable. While we are not in unanimous agreement, this medical team does agree by virtue of majority that Miss Sweet Tart is fit to stand for testimony in the case of The Crown V. NLPA. Weather or not she is fit to stand trial should she be charged with collusion is, at this time, uncertain.

The next case concerns that of Miss Swizzle Stick, A.k.A Wind Chaser, on which Dr. Lumination will be providing the report.