Viva Los Pegasus

I woke up to a loud thudding, quickly realizing I'd set my alarm to some obnoxious station, my own. "Son of bitch- shut up!" I shouted, throwing my arm out and brushing against something warm. "...Shit- come on- god-" I grumbled, trying to clear my eyes and find out what was keeping me from shutting off the obnoxious, comfort ruining noise.

"Just five more minutes...." A soft groan came from my side, followed by a blurry red mane. "Why's it so loud!?"

I grumbled angrily, pushing past the mare in my bed. "Well I'm trying to shut it off!" I found my alarm and started bashing it against my bedside table. "Come on...piece of crap is stuck!" I shouted, slamming it harder and harder, "Die you vapid machine, die!" I continued to bash the alarm, the mare next to me standing up and walking behind my table. I was able to give it a final bash before the music finally stopped. "Yes I--"

Just before I could celebrate my victory the mare walked back over to my bed and dangled the cord before my eyes. "...You're not very bright, are you?"

I grumbled and went to work looking for my glasses. "I'm never rational in the mornings, ya damn horse. Now get the hell out of my apartment!"

The mare let out a single hurt gasp, "I- wow, you really are a jerk!"

I shook my head, trying to wake up completely. "We both knew what this was. And...let me just say, I've had woman that were worse than you--"

"What the buck is that supposed to mean!?"

I scratched my head and fit my glasses to my head, "It means human pussy is just a bit more pleasing to my human dick, than...oh, I don't know, pony pussy."

The mare's jaw nearly hit the floor. "You're unbelievable."

"Am I?" I looked towards the door, "What were you expecting? Fucking breakfast and some coffee?"

The mare pranced around nervously, "Well something...like a kis--"

"Mare, I picked you up in some dive bar! Granted I seem to know how to pick 'em even on drugs, but Jesus, this isn't a freaking reception!" I stood up, my boxers missing but my tee shirt plastered to my chest, "Look, I can give you some coffee for the road...like, taxi fare or something...but you're not staying here."

The mare puffed out her cheeks, "Are all you humans jerks, or is--"

"Only the smart ones." I stated, scratching myself, "Now do you want the coffee or not?"

The mare flared her wings a bit, "I...can I use your shower?"

I let out a long sigh, "Just- you want some beer? I mean, I need a shower too but I'm not going in there half drunk...or half sober, it's hard to tell."

The mare glared at me, "You're gonna shower with me, and get drunk--"

"No, I'm going to get drunk, continue to drink in the shower, and you're invited." I started off towards the kitchen. It always amazed me how modern this place looked when compared to the rest of Equestria. Ponyville was effectivly a collection of hovels and Canterlot a bunch of stone slabs compared to Los Pegasus. This place was as modern as any human city I'd seen. In most aspects at least. No internet, but that stuff takes a lot of time to figure out I suppose.

I rubbed my head as the music continued to linger in my brain, the voices of japanese girls screaming in my head was awful. "Kusonippu....something something...bleh." I grumbled, fishing through my fridge. I pulled out a beer with a pair of panties around the neck, "...Hey, are you missing something!?"

The mare peeked out of my bedroom, "What do you--" She stopped dead when she spotted the white panties around my bottle, the exact hue as her coat. "I uh...yes...."

I pulled them off my bottle, holding them to my nose. "...Yep, that's mare pussy alright." I tossed them onto her head as I walked towards the bathroom, busting the cap off on the edge of my sink. "Now you coming or what?"

The mare slowly wandered after me, watching me as I turned the water on full blast. "So...we didn't--"

"Are you on the pill? Or...like, are you taken care of?" I asked, tossing my bottle back and stepping into the water. "Like...I'm not gonna have a little satyr bastard am I?"

The mare froze, "Wait...what!?"

I finished all I could drink and poured the rest down the drain. "It's been like two year...do you seriously not know?"

"Know what!?" She snapped, stepping onto the edge of the shower. "What!?"

I turned to the wall of my shower. "Fuckin sky hicks.... Like a year ago ponies started getting pregnant, and here's the punchline, from humans! So I'll ask again, are you gonna be--"

The mare started hyperventilating, "I- I can't be- no no no I'm not even in hea--"

"Don't matter." I muttered, "God only knows why." I relieved myself down the drain and hung my wet shirt over the spigot. "You go ahead and shower, I'll go find the meds I keep for this kind of crap." I stepped free, letting my long hair drip against the floor as the mare stepped in and curled up on the floor.

"No...painkillers, ye- oh damn...." I remembered how screwed up I'd gotten last night and set the bottle down, "Asses.... No, no, ah." I found a small bottle with a blue ring around the cap. "Hey you listening?"

"What!?" The mare snapped, jumping upright, "You ruined my lif--"

I reached in and turned off the shower. "Bitch, aren't pegasi supposed to be really picky about who they sleep with!? What happened to that?" I popped a pill into my hand, "Here, take this and you should be fine."

The mare just looked at my hand, "You know...we don't just- we-- I can't go back to Cloudsdale like this, I can't go preg--"

"I've heard it before!" I snapped, "I'm a pegasus, you can't just leave me. I'm a pegasus, that one night stand was like a wedding ring. I'm a pegasus, you're not allowed to just pretend it didn't mean anything. I swear, you birds get so clingy after it! I mean, earth ponies don't give a flying fuck who they go with, and unicorns...met some kinky bitches, but you bird ponies just get so freaking attached over nothing!"

"It wasn't--"

"See there ya go!" I pointed at her, throwing the bottle of pills into my sink. "We met in a bar, we both got, hammered, and now here we are. Now take that pill. You might feel a little sick but it'll stop a pregnac--"

The mare's eyes shot wide as I tried to speak, prompting her to devour the small pill. "There, it's over!?"

I looked at her with a dull and tired expression. "Should be...go check with a doctor if not."

The mare started huffing and puffing like an apprehensive dog. "But- I- I--"

I stared at her. "Look...you want like, you want a hug or something?"

The mare shot her gaze down to her hooves. "Can- can I have a kiss?"

"Um...no, you won't leave if I do that. Now you can have a towel and a hug, but you really gotta get out of here." I looked out into my bedroom, staring at my clock. "Yeah...I gotta get to work, so you really need to go--"

"Can't I stay!?"

"Last time I let someone stay in my apartment without me I got robbed! So no." I grabbed a towel from a rack above my toilet. "Now...you gonna come out of there?"

The mare flared out her wings, "What if I don't!?"

I folded the towel over my arms. "Well then I call the cops and...well, you'd get arrested, and I'd end up fucking a mare with a little police hat." I chuckled softly to myself, "Why are all the cops so adorable? ...I wanna wear her hat." I mumbled to myself, remembering a particular officer. Naive little thing but I'd seen her take down a stallion twice her size and kick a griffon in the jaw.

The mare just glared at me. "...Can I sta--"

"Alright, no hug then, bitch!" I threw my towel down, "Get out!"

The mare backed against the wall. "Make me!"

"Bitch I don't make people do anything!" I walked over to the phone in my kitchen, standing next to the island that stood in the center of my large box of a kitchen. Nine, Nine, Nine. I finished up with the button and stood waiting for someone to pick up.

Eventually a sharp click came through, "...Los Pegasus Police--"

"Brass, hi. Yeah I got another crazy one refusing to leave."

The stallion on the other end of the phone let out a long huff. "Mr. Acco we can't--"

"Look, are you gonna send Star down to sort this out or do I need to throw her out a window myself?"

"...Insufferable. You know this wouldn't happen if you didn't--"

"If I didn't bring random pegasi home, I know. But it's my job to do stupid things, it's your job to clean them up when I do! Now send that tight little cop over, and another to get the psycho out of my shower!"

Brass sounded rather angry on the other end of the line. "Fine...but if this happens again I'm just going to--"

"Bitch if this happens again we're gonna do the same thing as before! Tell ya what, every five or so I'll buy you a bottle of whiskey, okay?" Brass hung up. "...Guess that's a yes." I hurried over to my front door, I stood by it until a loud knocking set me off.

I threw the door open, watching as a trio of ponies rushed inside. One went straight back towards my bedroom, the two others stepped before me. "Jesus, that's a hell of a response time!"

My coworker was amongst the two, a beige unicorn with deep bags under his eyes, "Acco...we need to--"

I held my hand to him. "This can wait, I need to fuck the adorable police." I turned to the tiny earth mare, her navy coat matching her hat. "Star Light, how are ya?"

The police mare just looked me over, cracking a wide smile as she did. "Hi George."

I reached down, hugging the adorable officer, "Hi there sweetheart, got time?"

Star stepped back, looking towards my bathroom, "Um...not really, sorry."

"Aww, maybe later?" I asked, standing up, my rod doing the exact same. "Dinner?"

Star looked down, tracing a circle with the tip of her hoof, "I can't...The Roost is coming and everypony is on duty."

"Don't bucking touch me!" the red maned mare screamed, her wings tied to her side with the other cop behind her, "I swear to Hurricane I'll buck you in the head--"

Star walked over to the mare, putting her hoof on the red mare's head and pressing her jaw flat against the ground. "Sorry George...duty calls."

I brought my fists together like a schoolgirl, "Tsssss, let me know when you have time," I hissed, trying not to sound creepy. "Oh god I wanna bang her."

My coworker just glared at me, as the trouble was pulled out of my apartment. "...DJ, we need to talk, Roost is coming and--"

"Alright...second time I've heard that today. You gonna tell me what it is?"

My coworker just stared at me, starting to blush, "You wanna put that away first?"

I looked down, chuckling softly and putting my hands behind my head, "Woooo, ooooo, ooo." I gave a few hip thrusts, causing my half stiff member to slap my thighs lewdly, "It's not my fault, he saw something he liked."

"Sure...look, I can't talk to you like this, so can you--"

"Roost, what is it?" I asked, cupping myself and covering my groin with my hands.

My coworker just shook his head, "...You don't know? How long have you been living here again?"

"Like three years dude. So you gonna--"

He looked back to the door, "Well, you know pegasi, right."

"Clingy ponies that think anyone they have sex with will love them forever. Soul mate something something."

"Right. Well...every five years they hold a year long festival...and uh...go crazy."

I pulled my glasses down my nose, "...Define crazy."

My coworker glared at me, "Your kind of crazy. Drugs, sex, public indecency--"

"What, like mardi gras?  You ever been to the US?"

My coworker cringed, staring at the floor. "Unfortunately--"

"You get laid?"

He just closed his eyes, muzzle pointed to his hooves, "Like I said, unfortunately. Anyways...it's gonna be a mess in about a week, ponies going to be going crazy, so we need to hire another janitor."

I shrugged, "Then do it."

"...I have to check with you, it's your club...."

I walked to his side, letting my limp rod fall against his back, "Tenor, you run this place for me. I trust you to make the business decisions."

Tenor tried to step away, forcing me to hold him in place. "That's great...but can you not put your--"

"Shhh, just enjoy the bonding moment...." things grew amazingly quiet as I stood there, resting my cock against his back. "Viva Los Pegasus. The only place I could get away with the crazy shit I pull."

"That's really awesome for you, but can you not put your dick on my back!?"

"...Where else is it going to go!? I could drape it over your muzzle if you want!"

"I'm not gay you know--"

"Neither am I, but you're in my house, I'm naked, this was an inevitability." I let him go, stepping back, "Just let me love you man...physically if you want."

"...I'm going now--"

"Hey before you go. Hire a hot janitor, like...I don't want another fifty year old, especially during pony gras!"

Tenor let out a long sigh and turned to the door. "Is there a single time you don't think about your penis?"

"When I'm worried about my asshole."