Two Thugs in Equestria

“So, 'sup with the tat on ya' ass?” James said ever so intelligently.

“It is not a 'tat', It is a cutie mark. It is also not on my 'ass', it is on my flank.”

“Same shit. Look pretty gay anyways.” James had his suit jacked slung over his shoulder and had just his white dress shirt on. He then rolled up his sleeves to show arms covered in  tattoos. “ See this? This is fuckin' badass. This is how tat's are meant to look. Yo shit is mad gay.”

“Well I cannot say your 'tats' are without merit, but they seem a little...much.” James' arms were decorated in armband tattoos that ranged from fire to tribal designs to calligraphy. All of the colors were vibrant and really attracted the eye.

James for the first time in his life let someone else have the last word. Charlie silently thanked God for this small blessing.

The trio had been walking for about five minutes in relative silence until Charlie spotted town.

“Well, who's prepared for an angry mob to show up the minute the other ponies see us.”

“Oh they aren’t that bad, I am sure I could get them to come around.”

“Don't matter anyway, we got heat son!” James said as he pulled out his Glock and held it sideways pretending to shoot invisible ponies.

“I seriously do not think anyone should bring firearms into a place where they are nonexistent. And letting you have one is pretty much like giving a toddler a bottle of antifreeze. There really is no good outcome.”

“Um, excuse me what what is that your friend is holding, and what's antifreeze?”

“Well my 'friend' here is holding a gun. It shoots pieces of metal at stuff really fast. I highly recommend not touching it...ever. And antifreeze, well lets just say that there is a very good chance James here sipped some while he was in his formative years.”

Twilight looked at Charlie with a mixture of wonder, disgust and confusion. It took a full seven seconds before James realized he had been insulted.

“Hey!” James shouted and punched Charlie in the shoulder.

“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.” Charlie mumbled to twilight. She chuckled at his remark.

“You best not be talking 'bout me. Ill smack you so hard.” James made a slapping motion with his hands. Charlie simply waved him off.

As the trio finally entered the town, they noticed a distinct lack of...anyone. There was literally no one in the town.

“Well, this is inviting.”

“Hmm, this is looking alot like Zecora all over again...”

James raised an eyebrow. “ Who the fuck is Zecora?”

“Zecora was a zebra pony who would show up in town to find it vacant, much in the way we just have. The ponies were all afraid of her. After a little...misunderstanding, we convinced the villagers she was good and we all became friends after!”

“What kinda' pussy ass motherfucker lets 'erself get disrespected then makes friends out of all them blokes who disrespected her!? Where I live, bitches like that get iced. Just ask Charlie.”

Twilight looked up at Charlie. “ What does 'iced' mean?”

“Uuhhh...”

“Means their dead.” James said offhandedly.

Twilight's jaw dropped. “Y-y-you killed people?”

“Damn strai-oof!” James' sentence was cut short by a sudden case of fist-in-stomach.

“Well Twilight, me and James lived in a violent world. And an even more violent city. And we just so happened to have a seriously violent career. But lets not dwell on that, once we get introduced to the peopl-er ponies. I will tell you my entire lifestory up until we met. Sound fair?”

Twilight just nodded.

The trio continued to walk through the deserted city. James was getting the creeps, but Charlie just thought it was funny, it was like being the 'boss' and walking through your old neighbourhood. Everyone was afraid.

Twilight decided to stop in the town square and made an announcement to the hidden people of Ponyville.

“CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE. WITH ME ARE TWO CREATURES CALLED HUMANS. THEY ARE NOT TO BE FEARED. ONE OF THEM IS NICE. THE OTHER IS......LOUD. NEVERTHELESS PONIES, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR.” Twilight finished her little speech gasping for air. whose sense of hearing was seriously dulled by constant loud music, just stood there with the always present stupid look on his face.

Fifteen minutes later.

“Well it doesn't look like anypony is going to come out. Lets go to my house, while I'm there I can send a letter to the princess. Maybe she will be able help with your predicament.”

“Hold up! You can just hit up tha' princess? I call mad bullshit.”

“James, I am her student and she is my mentor. I write her letters every week. I would also appreciate it if you would stop swearing, it is not going to help you make friends with the ponies.”

“Whatever.”

The three eventually reached Twilight's house. Twilight walked in first and called out for spike.

“Spike! I'm so sorry I was gone for so long. You are never going to believe what I found!”

Footsteps were heard as Spike ran up to greet Twilight.

“Twi! I was so worried when you did-MONSTERS!” Spike screamed as he noticed the two large creatures dressed in black.

Spike then ran at James who was to closes to him and tried to attack. It did not turn out well for spike.

James who was in shock of seeing this purple...thing. Reacted to Spike running up to him by kicking him in the face. Spike flew across the room and collided with the bookshelf.

“Dude, what the fuck was that!?” Charlie shouted at James.

“That little bugger was goin' ta' eat me! I fuckin' showed 'em who's boss.” He said proudly.

“You are literally the most retarded person I know.”

“You're just sayin' that 'cause I ain't a pussy like you.”

“No , I'm saying that because you are an idiot. That thing is a tiny! Seriously how dangerous could it be if it lived in a library with a purple pony.” Charlie then looked towards Twilight and said “ No offence.” She waved it off with her hoof.

Twilight levitated Spike, who was now unconscious, and placed him in his basket at the top level of the library.

“Well seeing as how Spike is unconscious and I cannot exactly introduce you to him right now, I will send my letter to the Princess. You guys just make yourselves comfortable.”

“Sounds great!” James shouted as he jumped onto the nearby couch.

Dear Princess Celestia,

It seems we have two new visitors in Ponyville, or Equestria for that matter. There are two creatures who call themselves Humans. They can speak Equestrian and are more-or-less non-violent. I am at a loss as to how they got here and I was hoping that maybe you could shed some light on this predicament. Please respond as soon as possible.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle

Twilight then sent the letter using her own magic. While she used Spike for most of her letters, she could send them herself. She just preferred to let Spike do it as it was, frankly, a waste of her magic.

“There that should do it.”

“'Aight, so now what we gonna' do while we wait fo' this princess of yours.”

“Well, like I said make yourselves at home. You could read, but I doubt YOU would be into that.” She said glaring at James. “ Or you could just sleep...”

“I'm down. Peace!” James shouted before turning on his side and falling asleep.

“Well that took care of him nicely.” Charlie said rather happily. “ I wish I could have done that at my grandmothers 80th birthday.”

“What happened?”

“Lets just say that James plus alcohol plus a loaded gun plus a hyper-active libido equals a terrible time for everybody and the police showing up....” Charlie started to shake his head as he relived the incident.

“Ahh.” In all honesty Twilight had no idea, but she could only imagine what an inebriated James would do at a social gathering.

Alrighty, time to get some mane six info out of Twilight. “So Twilight, you got any friends ?”

“Yes several, but I don’t think any of them would be able to stomach a look at you. Fluttershy and Rarity would faint. Rainbow Dash and Applejack would try to kill you and Pinkie....well I don't know what Pinkie would do.” She stated. “Oh, look at me saying their names like you would know them.”

Charlie was unable to hid a grin. “ Don't worry about it.”

“Okay then...” Twilight was getting a little suspicious by Charlies behaviour.

“ So Charlie, want to tell me about your past?”

Uh oh. Okay, lets ease Twilight into this.

“Ahem...uh...How do i put this.” He drew a large breath. “ I am not what you would call a law abiding citizen.”

Twilight looked seriously shocked at this information. She was about to say something but Charlie decided to say something before she got a word in.

“Now just wait a minute, It's not like im some killer or something...” Oh God I hate lying to her, but its not like im gonna outright say I killed people! “ What me and me compatriot” He gestured to the now sleeping James. “ Would do is to....liberate certain people of the assets they no longer needed.” Oh great now I'm making my self out as some kind of Robin Hood. “ James and I were also some of the best at disposing...things. And taking care of...problems.” Twilight was looking angrier and angrier by the minute. “ I don't exactly like this life, but it is the one i chose and have to live.” Well that part is true i guess...

“So you're a problem solving thief who is an expert and disposing things.” She said flatly.

There was a few seconds of awkward silence before Charlie responded with “...Yes.”

Twilight shot him a glance that said Are you serious? Better than words ever could.

Charlie simply shrugged.

“You know I will have to tell the princess that you are criminals.”

“No you can't!” He blurted out. “ This is my second chance at a good life and I don’t want my past to soil it.”

“You are a thief!”

“Pleeeease don't tell the princess!”

“Well we'll just have to see...”

Suddenly a book flew out from seemingly nowhere at hit Charlie in the back of the head.

“Shut the fuck up! I'm tryin' ta' fuckin' sleep here ya dick!”

Charlie just felt his eyelids begin to sag and at the exact moment that his face made contact with the wooden floor, he promptly fell into a state of unconscious. The last thing he heard was James mumbling something about how he was “...a giant pussy.”