Chapters Just Another Mare in Ponyville
Lightning Dust slowly walked on the outskirts of the town. She moved as slowly as possible, as she was afraid of what was going to happen next. What would happen when she reached the town? The last time she had spoken with the pony she was going to meet hadn't been on the best of terms, but she needed to see her. Needed to make amends. Maybe once she did all the bad in her life could be left behind and she could begin again.
She was slowly walking into Ponyville, the town in which Rainbow Dash resided. She needed to find her, the mare with the rainbow mane and brilliant magenta eyes. She needed to talk to her, make sure that she could fully put everything behind her.
Ever since she had been kicked out of the Wonderbolts Academy things had started to go... terribly to say the least. Her family was so disappointed in her that she couldn't bring herself to face them. She knew they had to hate her. Getting kicked out of the Wonderbolts was a great shame, especially since they expected so much from her.
After her discharge she tried to find jobs in several places, but was always denied, or ruined it eventually. She went to Cloudsdale to find work, and was fired from the weather factory for being "too competitive". It wasn't her fault she wanted to be the best at making weather. She just wanted to be the best at everything she did. But, for some reason, she was never able to do that. To be the best at everything she tried always ended up destroying what she was doing, or at least destroying it for her.
And so she went through several different kinds of jobs ranging from being a dentist to being something as low as a clown. Every time she messed it up. Sometimes she simply wasn't accepted to the job, and sometimes her competitive spirit ruined it.
The whole time everything had been rough to say the least.
Add on to that the crippling depression she felt from her discharge and everything was simply... terrible. Her dreams had literally been crushed by her only hero. The only pony she looked up too. The one thing she was good at the only thing she lived for, flying, she couldn't do professionally. All she had wanted in life was to be a Wonderbolt. She probably wanted it more than Rainbow Dash. And now she would never be able to do it.
She had used to be the best at flying outclassed by a small number, Rainbow Dash being one of them. She used to live for the thrill, the rush she felt when flying in a race. She loved imagining her dreams every night before bed. Seeing herself in that Wonderbolt uniform, making her family proud, the best flier in the land, and eventually she was so close.
And then just like that it was all taken away. Because of her own selfishness. Her own ego. Her ego, which was now gone due to the depression.
It's funny the way things work out. Her ego, the one thing that ruined everything, was also lost due to itself. If being kicked out of the Wonderbolts wasn't enough to simply ruin her ego, the hatred from her parents and not being able to be the best at the jobs she tried ripped it apart completely, especially when she was fired. Nopony ever let her down easy, and nopony would ever give her a break.
Nopony cared about her enough to do that.
Her life was awful, and that was all she could think about. Over and over again all she heard in her head was thoughts about how terrible things had been. The recent months flashing through her head; from the day she met Dash, when everything was great. She made a new friend who was like her, and they could both be Wonderbolts. They could be amazing together. Then came the day where it all crashed down, and everything spiraled into oblivion.
She kept replaying the memories in her mind, over and over again, as if doing so would change the outcome. As if it would fix her wretched life.
But no matter how hard she thought, how hard she wished, it never changed. She would sometimes have dreams of the events playing differently, of her and Rainbow Dash becoming Wonderbolts together, of her making five new friends. And then she would wake up and everything was awful again.
And then, if something good ever happened to her (which it rarely did) and a smile formed on her face, the depression would come back. It would come back and kick her down onto the floor. It would remind her of how terrible she was, how she ruined everything for herself. It reminded her that her existence was pointless. She would think about how insignificant she was, and how insignificant she would always be.
And the more she thought about it all the more she hated herself. The more she wished she could just accept defeat, and die. Or maybe return to her parents and beg for their love. Wrap up her ego for good and give up everything. Beg for forgiveness, or die trying. Her life was terrible. She was living, breathing proof that not everything worked out with friendship and happiness. Not everypony got their dreams.
But now she needed to confront Rainbow Dash. Why? Did she blame her for it all?
No. No it wasn't that she blamed her, At least she didn't think so. She knew for a fact that she blamed herself.
She just needed to talk to her. She thought maybe fully talking about it and getting past everything would start a new streak of luck. Maybe it would finally put all the bad behind her. Maybe Rainbow Dash would even help her get her life back on track. Maybe one day she could rejoin the academy and finally be a Wonderbolt.
Maybe somepony would finally care about her again. Maybe her parents would love her again. Maybe she would love herself again.
But for now?
For now she was just another mare. Just another mare slowly walking into Ponyville, a mare whose dreams were crushed, like so many other mares. Another mare that didn't matter to anypony, not even herself.
Just Another Mare in Ponyville
Lightning Dust cautiously walked through Ponyville, afraid of what may happen when she reached the house of clouds. She wasn't positive that was where Rainbow Dash would be, but it was her best bet on looking. It seemed like the most likely place that a pegasus would reside.
It was still rather early in the morning, and she hoped Rainbow Dash would still be there, or that it would be her house in the first place. She needed to talk to her. She was growing desperate to do it.
She made her way to the house, and stood beneath the entrance. She looked up, and saw the beautiful house of clouds. A place she knew she would never live in, a place she didn't deserve to live in. She didn't deserve to live at all.
She took a deep breath and flew up to the entrance, flying as slowly as possible.
She slowly walked up to the door, and stood there afraid to move. She went to raise her hoof but stopped herself.
Should she knock? If she did there was no turning back, and whatever happened next had to happen.
What if Rainbow Dash hated her? What if she attacked her, made fun of her, rubbed her failure in her face?
No. That wouldn't happen. Would it?
She wanted to knock. Wanted to call out, to get Rainbow Dashes attention. But she was afraid too. What if Rainbow Dash did hate her?
She knew she probably didn't, they hadn't left on extremely bad terms, but she still had that bad thought in the back of her head. The bad thought that she was hated.
That one bad thought that seemed to be all she could think about. It seemed to be all her depression could latch on to. Slowly pulling it forward, like a bulldozer pushing through any of the good thoughts in her mind in order to remind her that everypony hated her, that she should just lie down and die.
And so she stood, afraid to raise a hoof. She had swallowed her ego, it had been destroyed a long time ago. Now she was prepared to ask for help.
All she needed to do was just ignore her depression and knock. Reach out her hoof and touch the door.
It was sort of symbolic in a way. If she extended her hoof to that door it was like she was extending her hoof for help. The more she thought about it the more she knew she needed to do it.
Buck up as someponies might say.
That's what Spitfire would say to her. But Spitfire didn't care about her. Spitfire hated her. Spitfire kicked her out of the academy. She never explicitly stated it, but Lightning Dust thought it was implied. At least that's all she thought of the disgusted look Spitfire had given her. She thought her hero hated her.
She slowly moved back from the door, afraid to knock. The thoughts of Spitfire made her imagine how worthless she was, made her think about how much she didn't deserve help. All she deserved was death.
She stopped moving back, and simply laid down on the ground, her wings covering her face.
The memory of getting kicked out of the academy had come to the forefront of her mind. Standing in Spitfire's office, being told she was a failure.
"I'm sorry." She had whispered to Spitifire. "P-please don't k-kick me out... I- I promise I'll do better. I-I'll be less reckless! I'll do anything you want! Please! I-"
"I don't want your excuses recruit. My decision is final." Spitfire said cooly, cutting her off.
"Please all I want in life is to be a Wonderbolt." Lightning Dust said softly. "P-please it was one mistake. Please I swear I'll never do anything like it again!" Lightning Dust was on her knees begging.
Spitfire looked down at her with disgust, and a small amount of sadness.
"I'm sorry kid. You're out."
Lightning Dust snapped back out of her thought, and was in tears on the ground, wings covering her face.
Everything had been downhill from there. She next found herself trapped within the memory of her family's reaction.
She didn't remember it as vividly as she remembered Spitfire, but she remembered it was bad.
She sent them a letter, telling them what happened. She knew her grandfather would be upset, but it wouldn't be too bad. It wasn't like they would hate her or anything right?
Wrong.
The message she got back was even worse than what had happened with Spitfire, to the point where she had practically repressed it.
Something about how she was a disappointment, how they could never love her again, and that her grandfather hated her. That her grandfather would always hate her.
They didn't want her anymore. They would never want her. All she had wanted in that moment was to be wanted. To be accepted. The Wonderbolts didn't accept her, didn't want her, and neither did her own family.
Nopony wanted her or accepted her.
And that was all she wanted now. To be wanted. She wanted to be accepted. It didn't matter by who, all she wanted was to be accepted by somepony. Anypony.
She slowly stood back up, her knees shaking, and wiped the tears from her eyes.
All she needed to do to be accepted was knock on that door. Exactly what she wanted, what she needed, was behind that door. The one pony who might just possibly care about her was so close, yet so far. To extend her hoof and knock was all she needed to do.
She slowly walked up to the door, fighting back her tears. She marched straight up to the door and stood there for a moment.
This was it. She was about to get the one thing she needed.
She extended her hoof, and knocked on the door. And then she stood there for several moments.
No answer.
She started to become very crestfallen.
But then suddenly Rainbow Dash opened it.
Rainbow Dash looked at her with surprise, the pony at the door was not one that she had expected.
"L-Lightning Dust?" She said at the sad looking mare in front of her. "What are you doing here?"
Lightning Dust slowly lifted her head up, and looked at her for a moment. The tears began to well in her eyes. She fell to the ground in tears and held Rainbow Dash around the hooves.
Dash looked down at her in confusion. Lightning Dust looked up and stared her in the eyes, her vision partially obstructed by tears. She only managed to mutter one sentence.
"I just want somepony to love me again."
Just Another Mare in Ponyville
Depression.
A truly terrible thing, that simply cannot be described. At least not easily. Sure you could give it a basic description, but you could never truly encapsulate the feeling of pure helplessness and despair that comes form it the feeling of nothingness.
For some ponies they're born with it, something in their minds has made them hate themselves, and for some reason that's natural for them. For other ponies they developed it from some kind of tragic event. For some it comes in waves, for some it's always there, and for others it happens randomly in uncontrollable bursts of rage and sadness, and even then the list of ways it exists goes on and on, and anypony diagnosed with it suffers.
No matter how different it was for everypony it always managed to do some things thing: ruin your life in some way, effect it drastically, and drag you down when you are feeling happy.
Lightning Dust was not born with it though. She had adopted depression. She had taken it as part of herself after her own tragic downfall. Her depression ruined her everything after that, never giving her a break.
And she needed a break. She definitely deserved one.
Even after Rainbow Dash's consolation she still felt hated. She knew she wasn't hated, knew for a fact Rainbow Dash actually cared about her. That she wanted to help.
But her depression wouldn't let her believe that. It always knew exactly how to keep her down.
Because of her depression she still couldn't believe the whole ordeal with Rainbow Dash was real.
She expected to wake up, still in some random city, working a job she knew she couldn't hold.
Her depression would ensure she wouldn't hold it, and if it didn't her ego would.
What she had expected happened however:
She woke up.
Not to the horrid terrible old rusty motel, or awful, back breaking job she had expected to awaken too, but to a nice comfy bed in a house made of clouds.
It was the bed that Rainbow Dash had put her in.
She distinctly remembered what happened before she fell asleep, or passed out as it were. She had passed out sitting on the bed, crying on Rainbow Dash's shoulder, crying for herself.
She wanted to hate herself for doing this to Rainbow Dash, hate herself for crying, and hate herself for feeling sorry for herself. She didn't deserve to feel sorry for herself. She was worthless, at least in her own eyes.
But she couldn't hate herself, not this time. Her depression may have been giving her that well deserved break.
And she knew she couldn't be mad at herself for barging in on Rainbow Dash.
Because Rainbow Dash didn't mind.
She knew this because the moment she awoke Rainbow Dash had been standing next to the bed happily watching her stir from her slumber. That let her know that Rainbow Dash didn't mind. That maybe she actually cared.
"Lightning Dust!" She shouted as she hugged the aforementioned pony. "You're awake! I thought you were hurt or something! I didn't know how long you'd be out so I tucked you into the bed! Are you feeling better?"
Lightning Dust sat shocked from the sudden hug and kind words given by Rainbow Dash. A flood of happiness rushed through her body giving her a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, and making her happier than ever. At least she was happier than she had been in a long time. The depression started to slowly pull more bad memories to the front, of her mind, but this time she was able to ignore it.
There was no denying Rainbow Dash cared, and even her depression couldn't convince her otherwise at this moment. Rainbow Dash had sat at her side for the several hours she was asleep, Rainbow Dash was there for her. Rainbow Dash cared about her.
Somepony cared about her.
"Y-you care about me?" Lighting Dust said astonished in a very meek voice.
"Of course I care I care about you Dust!" Rainbow Dash shouted. "Why wouldn't I? You were the most awesome friend I made at the Academy!"
"I-I almost killed your friends... I got kicked out... everypony hated me. Everypony still hates me." She paused for a moment, pulling away from the hug.
"You should hate me!" She looked at her Dash, slightly upset. "Why don't you? Why do you care about me? Why don't you hate me?"
"Because you're one of my friends! Besides we already agreed to let that whole thing be water under the bridge." She stopped for a moment as she thought about it. "Besides getting kicked out of the Wonderbolts is a bad enough punishment, and seeing you like this..." She gestured at her mangled hair and watery eyes.
"How could I stay mad?"
Lightning Dust smiled and hugged her again from the bed.
"Th-thank you. Thank you." Lightning Dust said as she started to cry again. This time tears of joy.
"Now Dust," Rainbow began calmly. "I need you to tell me what happened. I need you to tell me why you're so... depressed. The academy thing was only a few months ago, what could have possibly happened?"
"A-are you sure you want to hear my pathetic life story?" Lightning Dust asked, averting her eyes from Rainbow Dash. She didn't feel worthy of the cyan colored pegasus, let alone anypony else. "It's simply about my pathetic failure and well deserved hatred for myself."
Rainbow Dash looked down sadly at the crestfallen pegasus in front of her. How could such a proud, strong, athletic pony become so... depressed? How could she be ruined in such a way?
And how in Equestria did it happen in such a short amount of time?
She slowly nodded at Dust, showing she wanted to hear the whole story.
Lightning Dust understood and began to tell her. She teared up again as she explained the whole story. From Spitfire looking at her being a pathetic groveling being crying at her feet to her parents saying they hated her to the fact that she hadn't been able to hold a job since.
She told Dash all about her pathetic, failure of a life.
As Rainbow Dash listened she progressively grew more and more upset, her brow furrowing and her smile dissipating within a matter of minutes after the story began.
She was simply.... angered. She partially blamed herself for Lightning Dust's downfall, which upset her even more.
"YOUR PARENTS?!?!?" She screamed once the story finished, now fully enraged. "HOW THE BUCK COULD YOUR PARENTS SAY THAT?!?!?"
"I-I don't know... it's just the what they said..." She responded meekly. She actually wondered the same thing. How could her parents just hate her like that? She never asked them.
"Buck. That." Dash said angrily as she wrapped her hooves around the still crying Lightning Dust in a hug. "I'm here for you now, and I swear to you, I swear by Celestia, Luna, and the sun and moon themselves that me and my friends will do everything we can in order to help you."
"Y-you don't have to do that." Lightning Dust said meekly with a stutter. "I-I was going to leave Ponyville after talking to you anyway. Maybe find a job somewhere else. I just... felt like I need to talk to you."
"LEAVING?!? " She screamed in shock, pulling away from the hug and slowly floating upward. "You can't just leave! What if you wind up with another crappy job where somepony mistreats you, living in some terrible run down place?!?!? What then? What if you end up in the same predicament?!?"
She was fully enraged at all of this, at the very thought of what Lightning Dust had gone through.
"B-but I have to..." Lightning Dust muttered. "I can't stay here... I-I wouldn't be able to find a job, and I'd have no place to live. I-it would probably be better to just continue on. Better for you. Better for everypony. I couldn't burden you."
"I won't allow you to leave!" Rainbow Dash said angrily. "At least not now! Not in this state!"
"A-and what would I do?" Lightning Dust said again meekly. "I'm a worthless pony who shouldn't even be alive... I wouldn't have a job or a place to stay... I would just sit in the street and rot."
"No you wouldn't!" Rainbow Dash said with a smirk. "Because I know where you can get a job that you would be amazing at, and a place to stay!"
Lightning Dust looked up at her, the look in her eyes begging her to go on.
"Wh-what job?" She asked meekly.
"I could get you a job on the Ponyville weather team," She paused for a moment, and pointed to herself proudly. "I am the captain after all!"
"O-okay... b-but where would I stay?" She asked, less with despair and more with a feeling of excitement this time.
"With me of course!" Rainbow Dash said happily. "You can stay in this guest room, and save up bits working on the weather team! I won't even charge you a rent or anything! We can be roommates, sort of like in the Academy!"
Lightning Dust looked at her happily, jumping out of the bed and getting ready to hug the cyan colored pegasus.
"But wait." She said stopping herself from hugging her. "Why?" She asked, not understanding the kindness she was being shown.
Rainbow Dash raised her eye at the question, not understanding what she meant.
"Why let me stay? Why give me a job? Why not make me pay rent?"
Rainbow Dash giggled at her.
"Because we're friends silly!" She said with a giggle. "And I help all of my friends! Besides if you stay here I can help get you back to your old happy, carefree, awesome self again!"
Lightning Dust smiled, ran forward and hugged her,
"Thank you so much." She said, tears welling in her eyes beginning to cry. "Th-thank you."
"It's okay." She said. "I don't need thanks, I just want to help you out. Make my friend happy again. I can never leave a friend behind.
Lightning Dust began to cry on the pegasus' shoulder, muttering thank you every now and then.
Somepony cared. Somepony cared about her. The worthless pegasus pony who failed everypony. Somepony cared.
And not even her depression could bring her down right now.
Just Another Mare in Ponyville
Rainbow Dash looked down in confusion at the mare groveling at her hooves. She had so many questions that weren't being answered. Every time she questioned Lightning Dust the only response she received was a mix of crying and "I just want somepony to love me again."
Rainbow Dash thought it was upsetting. She hated seeing somepony she knew like this.
Lightning Dust thought it was pathetic. She thought she deserved it, that it was her own fault. She hated this, the fact that all she could do was fall over and cry. She wanted to talk so badly , wanted to receive help, wanted to work everything out, but all she was able to do was lie down and cry at Rainbow's hooves.
Cry like the worthless piece of refuse she was, or at least that she thought she was. And she hated it.
She hated it almost as much as she hated herself.
Almost as much.
She knew that she had probably ruined any chance she had of receiving help, that her pathetic state probably ruined any of her chances of fixing anything. She knew that she would probably only receive disdain and hate from Rainbow Dash for showing up and acting like this.
"Lightning Dust!" Rainbow yelled this time, still trying to get her to snap out of it. "What's wrong? What are you doing here? Is somepony after you? Are you in danger? Do you need my help?!?"
Lightning Dust stopped her crying for a moment and looked up at her. It sounded like a Rainbow Dash cared about her. Like somepony actually cared about her.
And she thought that was funny. She knew nopony cared, so why did it sound like Rainbow Dash did?
Rainbow Dash looked straight into Lightning Dusts eyes. For a moment she thought she had caught her attention, and could finally get some answers from the depressed pony. She looked expectantly at her, urging her to tell her what was wrong.
And she received the same response.
"I just want somepony to love me again." Lightning Dust said the words as tears started welling up in her eyes.
Seeing Rainbow Dash had pulled back all the memories to the forefront, and all she felt was sadness. And and a deep hatred for herself. She tried to talk, but depression had fully taken hold of her. Grabbing onto her like a chain, keeping her as a hostage of her own mind. It was definitely going to take some time for her to snap out of it.
She began to cry again.
Rainbow stared down at her, unsure of what to do. She couldn't just leave her there; she knew that for a fact. This was an old friend, and she was always there for her friends.
After several moments she decided to slowly push Lightning off her hooves. She took a step back, and stared down at the pony, who was still crying, slowly curling up into a ball.
Rainbow once again thought about it. She definitely knew she couldn't just leave her there. She knew exactly what she had to do.
She leaned over and picked her up in her forehooves, flapping her wings to keep her upright hovered above the ground.
It took all her strength, but she carried Lightning Dust into the house and laid her on a bed in the guest room. She looked at the pony, who was still curled up crying in the bed, and felt a pang of sadness.
She leaned forward and hugged her, knowing it was the only thing she could do for her at the moment.
Lightning Dust looked up at her shocked, and hesitantly embraced the hug. She didn't believe it was real.
That somepony might actually care.
She thought it was fake.
She expected that at any moment she would awaken, and be back in some Celestia forsaken place where she wouldn't hold a job for over a week.
That her depression was just messing with her, trying to make her feel happy so it could crush her as hard as possible when she woke up.
But that didn't happen.
They continued to hold the embrace for several moments, before Rainbow slowly moved away.
Lightning Dust looked into her eyes, and a small smile came across her face tear stricken face.
Maybe somepony did care.
"I need to you to tell me what's wrong." Rainbow Dash said sincerely. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."
She stared at Lightning Dust, and there was silence for several moments. She thought perhaps Lightning Dust would cry again, and she would get no answers. She didn't want that to happen, and knew watching Lightning Dust cry again would only make her angry. That going back to the same routine as five minutes ago would make her angrier than ever.
But she knew she would deal with it. She would endure it for her friend. She would stay there for her friend.
"I just want somepony to love me again." Lightning Dust said. She paused for a moment, fighting back tears. "To care about me."
"I care about you." Rainbow Dash said softly. 'You're my friend. And I'm always here for my friends."
At the sincere words Lightning Dust began to cry again. She knew the words were true, and they felt good to hear.
But at the same time they hurt so much.
She felt a blackness coming over her, blurring her vision and obscuring her thoughts. She was overcome by a mix of emotions varying from good to bad.
As if depression was trying its hardest to make her feel bad, and Rainbow Dash was forcing her hardest to fight against it.
She could hardly see anymore, the tears and darkness from the depression blurred her vision, but she could make out one thing.
The outline of Rainbow Dash sitting down next to her, reaching over and hugging her and not letting go, letting Lightning Dust cry on her shoulder.
She heard one last thing before being overtaken by the blackness, before slipping away into her own sadness.
"I'll always be here for my friends. "
