A Bunch of A-Holes

“Princess Celestia, we have a slight problem.  One I don’t think I can resolve with Friendship,” Twilight Sparkle flicked her wings nervously, as she spoke to her mentor, “Uh…There’s three of them, and they travel with a tame Timberwolf and a rather foul-mouthed Raccoon.  They…Ugh…They said they’re here to Murder somepony.  That’s…”

Celestia set her hoof on her student’s shoulder, squeezing it softly, “Twilight, these ponies.”  The princess of the sun shuddered, “They aren’t the first to have such a foul act as a plan.  Nor even in recent history.  Whether they actually will go through with it, I don’t know.  The best you can do is guide them to a peaceful solution.”

“I…I’ll try.  The pony they said they were going to…” she swallowed, not wanting to say the word again, “Uh, the name was Thanos.  I don’t…”

A white hoof clapped over Twilight’s mouth, and a level of profanity Twilight never thought could come from the diarch burst into existence.

“Princess?”

“If that’s really who they are here for…I hoped you would never have to experience real war.  It looks like that is no longer an option.  I must speak to the group’s leader.  Where are they staying?”

“Rainbow Dash took them to Sweet Apple Acres, except for their Raccoon and Timberwolf, who are staying at Fluttershy’s home.”

“Very well.  The two creatures should be safe enough at Fluttershy’s house.  She won’t do anything to aggravate them.  We must go to Sweet Apple Acres with all haste.”

__

“Rocket?  You haven’t touched your breakfast yet.  You need to eat,”  Fluttershy whispered through her pink mane, trying to stay well back from the ring of bits of metal lying on the floor.  Even the other animals were giving the raccoon a clearing larger than the actual ring of debris.  The only thing inside the circle that wasn’t his was the plate of fish she had set there with a pile of lettuce.  It was entirely untouched, “Please, just eat a little for me.”

The raccoon’s hand lunged out and grabbed something out of the pile.  Not from the plate, he actually reached past the plate.  The thing he picked up joined whatever was in his paws and swung around his other side, pointing a tube at Fluttershy, “I’m not hungry.  Step back please.  Watch your step.”

Fluttershy jerked back, realizing that in her attempts to get him to eat, she had stepped forward.  The thing in his paw was just a few hoof-spans from her muzzle, and her hooves were between several tiny bits of metal that she suspected would seriously hurt if she touched them.  She froze, “I can’t…I can’t turn around…”

The raccoon swore, something that made the butter-colored mare curl closer to the ground, littered with metal, and dropped what he had been holding.  Spinning around, he stood as tall as he could, “GROOT!  GET THIS HORSE OUT OF MY CIRCLE!”

The plant creature walked in and grew a tendril out, stretching out and gripping Fluttershy right between her wing-roots.  It lifted her gently and set her on its back, “I am groot.  I am am Groot.”

It was sort of clear what he was saying, ‘Stay back from the raccoon.’  She wrapped her hooves around the Timberwolf’s bony ribs, “Thank you, Groot.”

__

Applejack looked at the stallion sitting beside Macintosh.  He was gargantuan, towering over her brother by a full head.  Despite that, his appetite seemed rather small.  He ate only four pancakes, and ignored the apple-fritters Applejack had made for dessert.  “Aren’t you hungry?  You have a long day ahead of you, Mister Drax,”  Oh, Applebloom, so innocent.

He spoke in a gruff, short voice, “Where is the meat?”

Applejack stared at him for a moment, “What meat?  We don’t eat meat…Are you alright?”

“Why do you raise fowl and cattle if not to eat?”

“For the eggs and milk.”

He shuddered, “Which of your fowl is the least productive?”

All three Apples froze.  Macintosh was the first to speak, “Eenope.  You can’t.”

“Very well.  I will go find my own meat.  Thank you for housing me for the night.”

“Supper is at sunset, not a second later.  Don’t be late, or Macintosh might eat all of it.”

__

Rarity stared at her kitchen table.  Sweetie Belle was sitting on the floor in the corner, keeping clear of the array of very sharp knives laying on the table, or in it, and the green Unicorn sitting at the side of it, “Miss Gamora?  What are you doing with my table?”

“Trying to figure out how the fuck I’m supposed to hold my knives.  I can’t figure out this blasted horn thing, and my hooves have like no grip at all!”

“Miss Gamora, please,” the knives all levitated up off the table and floated towards a rack on the wall, which to Rarity’s surprise was already full, “Where did all of these come from?”

“My pockets.  Took me half the night to get them on the table in the first place.”

“Oh…Were you never taught how to levitate things as a filly?”

“I was never a ‘Filly’.  As a child, I watched my family get murdered, then I was ‘adopted’ by a thug who turned me into an assassin.  So no, I never learned to fucking levitate anything!”

“Ah.  Well, perhaps you could learn from Twilight when Sweetie Belle goes to her levitation class over at the library.”

“That might work.  Thank you, Rarity,” the green mare trotted to the door, “I am sorry about your table.  I will replace it before I leave Ponyville.”

__

Rainbow Dash rolled over and looked over the side of her bed.  Her alarm had gone off, but she was woken up by a crashing sound like thunder, not the light ringing.  What?  She saw her alarm, or what was left of it.  “What?”

Her eyes moved down to the doorway, and she spotted the leather-clad Pegasus lying upside down on the foot of her bed, coat hanging open like an inverted blanket, and something wrapped around his hoof that resembled the helmet he had worn yesterday.  She kicked him gently, “HEY!  What happened to my alarm?”

The other Pegasus opened his mouth in an exaggerated yawn, “I shot it.  It didn’t shut up, so I shot it again.”

“What time is it!  I’m gonna be late to work!”

“Relax, I only shot it like five minutes ago.  I just didn’t want to get up.”

“Come on!  I’m gonna be late!  You’d better help me get the clouds in position!”

He rolled tail-over-head and landed on the floor on all four hooves, “Fine.  How the hell do we move clouds?”

“Same way you walk on them!  Geez!”  Rainbow looked at the clock on her stove, “Buck!  There’s not enough time for both of us to shower!  You’ll have to wait till after work!”

“Why?”  She stared at the stallion who was already slipping out of his coat and the pants and shirt he wore under them.  “Can’t we share one?”

“NO!” Rainbow howled as she lunged into the bathroom and pulled the cloud door shut.

“Why not?  Would Applewhatever be mad?”

“NO!  Why does everypony think she’s my only…”  A blue hoof found its way to a rainbow mane coated forehead, “GAH!

“So she’d be ok with a threesome?”

“BUCK YOU!”

“That’s the plan.”