My Little Pony: Friendship is Parodied

Later that day, Spike bursts through the door of the library.

Spike: Twilight! What is the matter with you?!

Twilight appears in a puff of purple smoke next to Spike.

Twilight: What’s the matter with me?!

Spike: That’s right.

Twilight: What’s the matter with you?! And Ponyville! And Trixie! Did you SEE her, Spike?! Parading on stage with her lies and her… her la dee da tricks even an earth pony could pull off.

Spike: She’s a performer!

Twilight: Well she’s not a very good one.

Spike: That doesn’t give you the right to make an ass of yourself in front of the whole town… including actual asses!

Mulio, a mule, pokes his head through the window.

Mulio: It’s true, Twilight. You really dragoned it up out there.

Spike (sighing): I hate that pejorative…

Twilight: Get out, Mulio, you’re a drain on society!

Mulio (leaving): Fair enough.

Spike: You know, seems to me you should be trying to court the town’s favor, given your current low standing. Let’s not forget your little bonfire spreading to Derpy’s house…

In the past.

A crowd has gathered outside Derpy’s house, watching in terror as it burns. A team of fireponies is on the scene, attempting to dispel the flames.

Derpy: Stand back, everypony! I’ll use my cutie mark!

Derpy hurls herself flank-first into the roaring flame.

In the present.

Twilight: She’s been through worse.

Spike: She was in the hospital for two weeks!

Twilight: She gets frequent flyer miles there! She brings in so much revenue they named the entire “Derpy Wing” after her. On more than one occasion she’s asked how they turned her wing into a hospital without her knowing, and if they would please give it back.

Spike: None of which pertains to Trixie!

Twilight: You know, Spike, I read a book once: “Everyone Poofs: Baby’s First Spells.” Nothing Trixie did goes past the first page… no, the front cover!

Spike: Yes, but why do you care?!

Twilight: Because… because… magic is all I have. My entire life it’s been the only thing to distinguish me. I hatched you, Celestia took me under her wing… my whole life has been devoted to its study, and when the Element of Magic chose me, it’s like everything fell into place. I have friends now; actual friends… but it’s all so conditional. If Trixie really is better than me… won’t they all just go to her?

Spike: You think ponies are your friends because of magic?

Twilight: I ran a statistical analysis. It’s the most likely explanation.

Twilight’s Mind: Magical prowess: 50% probability. Connection to royalty: 20% probability. Transcendent beauty: 14% probability. Obligation, having saved Ponyville: 10% probability. Intellectual superiority: 7% probability.

Spike: That’s what this is all about? Friendship doesn’t work like that, Twilight. Friends aren’t statistics.

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie bursts through the door holding a laptop.

Pinkie: Guys, guys, I just broke four thousand friends on Facebook! I don’t even know “Knight Shade,” but who cares? Four thousand. Four. THOUSAND!

Twilight and Spike stare at Pinkie.

Pinkie: Sorry… bad time? Bad time.

Pinkie bounds out the door.

Twilight: Spike, you’re my best friend-

Spike: Indentured servant.

Twilight: -do you really think everypony would still like me if Trixie was a more powerful unicorn? Which she isn’t.

Spike: They don’t like you now… but yes, I’m sure they could forgive you.

Twilight: I suppose… I owe Trixie an apology then, don’t I?

Spike: That would probably be a good place to start.