My Apartment in Equestria

***Chapter 1

Introductions***

After various "Don't miss, don't miss, don't miss!", and the subsequent "Yes!" or "Figlio di puttana!" and mentally shitting myself upon discovering a Chryssalid, I managed to fall asleep. I awoke up to the sound of knocking on my door. "Eh, I'm up, I'm up. Come in."

The doctor and a nurse entered with a wheelchair and said "Mr. Kerr, you're free to go."

"Do I really need the wheelchair, doc?"

"Sorry, hospital policy." he responded as the nurse helped me into the wheelchair.

After I exited the hospital, I looked around and remembered something "Fuck, where's my house? Shit, might as well learn the layout of town if I'm staying." I walked towards 'Ponyville' if I remembered right. While walking down the streets, ignoring the stares from residents, I idly hummed Tom Lehrer's So Long Mom. "So long Mom, I'm off to drop the bomb, so don't wait up for me. But while you swelter down there in your shelter, you can see me- bum bum bum- on your TV. While we're attacking frontally, watch brinkally and huntally, describing contrapuntally the cities we have lost. No need for you to miss a minute of the agonizing Holocaust, YEAH!"

"Whatcha singin." I was snapped out of my trance of looking for my house by a voice.

"Huh?" I asked.

"What are you singing, silly?" The mare was all pink and bouncing in stride with me.

"Nothing special, say you seen a house? One story, windows on two sides, in the middle of a street."

"Sure, you've been walking around it."

I stopped dead in my tracks and looked to my left. "Non puoi essere serio cazzo." I muttered as I saw the window that looked into my living room/kitchen.

"Anyway, what's your favorite kind of cake?"

"Uh, chocolate frosting on chocolate I guess. Why do you ask?"

She quickly said "Sorry gotta go." before bursting off in the other direction.

"Weird." I said before walking towards my door and attempting to turn the doorknob. The second I laid my hand on it I remembered that I didn't have my keys and that the door was locked. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." I said as I slowly banged my head on the door.

"Hey there sugarcube, whatcha doin?" I heard Applejack approach me as I said my 37th 'Fuck.'

"Oh, hey Applejack. Fuck. The door's locked and I don't have my keys. Fuck."

"HEY YOU!" was the only thing I heard before I was hit by a pony shaped bullet and used my door as a surfboard.

"That's one way of solving that problem." I heard Applejack say, chuckling.

"Good to know you can find humor in property damage and assault. Can you get off me?"

"Yeah Rainbow Dash, get off him. He wouldn't hurt a fly."

"Fine, but I'm watching you." said Rainbow Dash as I finally got a good view of her. She was a pegasus, why am not surprised, with sky blue fur and a rainbow mane.

I rolled over and said "Why does everyone in this world commit a crime in my world; Celestia broke and entered, Lyra, assault I guess, Applejack assaulted me but I understand her reasoning and Rainbow assaulted me and damaged my property. Not blaming anyone but I'm noticing a trend." I heard a noise deeper in my house and said "What the fuck was that?!" I got up and walked to my bedroom. I opened the door and noticed a candle stick on my dresser. On it was a note that read

Dear Ben

This Candle Stick will allow you to contact me. I filled out the paperwork and your house will be moved to an open lot tomorrow. You will also be connected to the electric mainframe and water line. I will also want to take up your offer to see what video games have become in your world.

Celestia

"Huh, that was nice of her. Guess I might as well see what the ponies are doing." I remembered my phone was almost dead and placed my solar powered charger on the window. I walked back to my living room and saw Applejack looking confusedly at my Last of Us poster, while Rainbow was looking at my Ace Combat Assault Horizon poster. "Find anything interesting?" I said, startling Applejack.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"The Last of Us." I said, giving her a cocky grin.

"Couldn't tell. Now tell me what it is really for before I buck ya into next week." she responded, giving me a look that told me that she wasn't kidding.

"The Last of Us, third-person shooter developed by Naughty Dog and published by Sony. Been called by many as the 'Gaming Equivalent of  Citizen Kane'"

"Hmm, Ah don't know whether that was what Ah'm lookin for, so I'm just gonna buck ya into tomorra." she said, smirking.

"Listen, I can show you tomorrow when I get my power back. Ya know what, let's go fucking do something before I lose my mind."

"Sure, you comin Rainbow?" said Applejack, walking to the door.

"Nah, I'm gonna leave you and your coltfriend alone." snickered Rainbow as she flew out the door.

"Yeah, see ya." I said before I realized the horse pun. "Wait, you fucker!" I raced to the door and saw her laughing her ass off on a cloud. "YOU OWE ME A DOOR!". Applejack followed me outside and tried to contain her snickering. "Ya know she implied we're dating." This set off something in her head and she began yelling at Rainbow while I tried to fix my door. "Figlio cazzo di una canga porta." I muttered as I made an impromptu 'Do Not Enter' sign with a special message of 'Break and Enter, and I'll Break You'.

I moved the door to the side and placed the sign around it before looking at Applejack. "So, where we going?"

"I should probably show ya where my farm is so you know where to come for work."

"Makes sense. Let's go." After a brief walk we reached the outskirts of Ponyville. "That is a lot of trees."

"Yep, all ours." she began walking forward and looked back at me "You comin or are you just gonna stand there?"

"Huh, oh yeah." We walked up the path and towards the house in the distance. I noticed the sound of hooves quickly approaching and said "And the trend continues in 3, 2, o-" I was cut off by hooves throwing me into a tree on my left. Then something hit me like a train. "Why didn't I just move?!". Then something actually hit me, in the balls. That, among other things, is one of the things that makes me go into 'Italian mode'. "Oh cazzo che fa male! Oh Dio perché le palle! Perché ti pony sempre assalto me?!"

"BIG MAC, APPLEBLOOM! Get off him right now!" yelled Applejack. The pressure was removed from my groin and I gathered the strength to move my hands away from it and look up. There were 2 new ponies, a large red stallion, presumably the one who kicked me, and a small yellow filly with a red bow in hear head, presumably the one who landed on my balls.

"Grazie Applejack." I muttered and finally noticed that Italian Mode was activated. "Oh, hehe, sorry. Thanks, Applejack. Guess I gotta explain that, don't I?" They nodded and I explained "In high school and college, as well as in-between, I took a class in another language, specifically Italian because of my Italian heritage and now it has become second nature for me to switch to it when in extreme pain, fear, or if I'm angry and there are kids around. That was extreme pain because, well, huh, how to put it?"

"Your sensitive area." offered Applejack.

"Yeah, yeah, that. I'm Ben Kerr, by the way. Christ, can you ponies at least ask for my name before assaulting me?" I got up and muttered "That's not gonna be a pleasant feeling in the morning."

"Enope." said the stallion, who until that point had been silent and startled me.

"That's Big Mac, he don't talk much." said Applejack.

"And I'm Applebloom." chirped the filly.

"Shall we get going?" I asked. They nodded and we continued. Once we reached the top of the hill Applejack turned to me.

"So shall we see if ya can applebuck, sugarcube?" she said motioning for me to follow her to an apple tree. "Now just do this." she continued before turning on her heels(hooves?) and kicked the tree. All the apples promptly fell out. "Think ya can do that?"

"I think I prefer my legs unbroken." I responded.

"Oh come on sugarcube, just try." I shook my head 'no' and she looked at me with the most adorable fucking puppy dog eyes I've ever seen. "Pllllllleeease."

"Fine, damn it you've discovered my weakness. Shit shouldn't have said that, now you know how to always get what ya want." I walked to a tree near her tree and tried to decide how to do it. I braced myself and kicked the tree. Not a single thing fell. "Well, looks like it will be carrying the buckets for me." Then everything in the tree fell off and I was buried in apples. I groaned out "Help." as I raised my hand from the pile.

Applejack was laughing her ass off when she pulled me out of the pile. "Hahaha, oh that was funny. Seems you're a natural, just need to run once ya kick it. Ya good?"

"I guess. Still wondering how the fuck I did that."

"Ah, don't worry 'bout it. Guess that means that ya can help us here with the bucking. What else ya want to do?"

"I'm still new here, so I'm leaving that to you."

"Huh, guess Ah could introduce ya to everypony. Ya met Rainbow Dash, Ah assume ya met Pinkie cause Ah ran into her and she was blabbin bout a new pony in town. Actually, since Pinkie knows you're here you'll met everypony."

"Why?"

"She throws everypony a welcome party."

"Huh, alright."

"HI!" said the all to recognizable voice of Pinkie, which startled me and Applejack.

"Where the fuck did you come from?! And how long have you been standing there?"

"So how old are ya, huh, huh, huh?!" Pinkie said, getting creepily closer.

"It just ain't your day, is it Ben? Better tell her or she'll hound you till ya do." said Applejack, smirking.

"I'm 23 years old. I was born September 8, 1992 at 12:15 am. Care for me to go into more detail?"

"Nah, that just means I need to do more planning." she said before she burst off into the distance.

"Does she drink coffee?" I asked Applejack. She shook her head 'No' and I continued "Never let her drink anything but decaf. I pity the bastard that runs into her when she has had a shot of espresso. Well see ya." I said as I walked down the hill.

"OH MY CELESTIA! That is a crime against fashion if I've ever seen it! Please follow me dear." a white unicorn with a purple mane grabbed me with her magic and carried me to a building. Upon entering, she set me down and grabbed some measuring tape. "So, what kind of clothes do you want?"

"What? I didn't even ask for new clothes, though I guess I could use some formal wear."

"Perfect! Please hold out your arms." I did so and she got my measurements. "Would you like a suit or a tuxedo?"

"Suit, black suit jacket and pants, red tie and no gems." I looked around the room at the stands and noticed a lot of them on the clothes. "Or I'll have to kick my own ass. Actually I just thought of something. Do you make hats?" She nodded and I continued "I'd like a fedora made out of something durable, please. Crap, how am I gonna pay for this?"

"Don't worry darling, your first order is on the house."

"Nah, I owe you a favor. I gotta pay ya back somehow." After getting my head measurements, I thanked her and walked home.

Upon reaching my house I remembered something; my fridge. "Huh, it's probably a biological weapon by now. Fuck me, why do I am I doing this?" For a semblance of protection, I grabbed a napkin and held it to my nose. "Three, two, oh fuck, one!" I said as I opened the fridge door and braced myself for the stench. After a few seconds nothing happened, I lowered the napkin and immediately regretted it. After a brief coughing fit I said "Oh fuck." and I closed the door quickly. "Christ, I don't think I'll be able to smell anything else for the rest of the day. Great, now I gotta get a new fridge. Figlio di una canga."

I walked to my couch and collapsed. I said "Fuck I'm beat. Could fall asleep right he-" and fell asleep.