My Apartment in Equestria

I awoke to a massive headache. "Uh, if I never see cake again it'll be to soon." I muttered. I looked up and noticed that I was on my couch in my apartment.... and Applejack was nearby. I look for a few minutes I need a shower. Questions can come later and when she wakes up. Walking to the bathroom, I grabbed some fresh clothes and put them in the bathroom before turning on the shower.

I enjoy singing when I shower and on this fine morning, I decided to go with Do You Hear The Critics Sing, a parody of Do You Hear The People Sing. Meanwhile, I thought about what happened after I got drunk, why Applejack was nearby on my couch, what had we done... what my true thoughts about her were. After my shower was done, I put on the new clothes and waked to the living room. I put on my headset and put in Red Dead Redemption. I didn't want to disturb AJ so I turned down the volume. On my third save, I was on the last mission. I entered, watched the cutscene, killed first wave, ran to the house, watched the cutscene and played until I got to the barn. Cutscene played, I shed a man tear at the good-byes, walked outside and marked targets, shot them and was immediately shot down. I changed to Jack's perspective and rode back to the farm, and shed another tear at their mourning.

"Would you do that?' asked Applejack, startling me.

"Oh, sorry I woke you. What?" I said, apologizing.

"No worries, your singin woke me up. I mean, would you do that; sacrifice yourself so your family could escape." she elaborated.

I went into pondering mode, and after a few minutes I said "If it came down to it, and I saw no other way out, I probably would. Yeah, I definitely would; take the bullet, throw myself on the grenade, take the beating, draw the attention of the bad guy."

"That really shows a ponies character." she said, crawling over to me and surprisingly kissing me on the cheek.

"Alright, what happened last night? I kinda blacked out after a few drinks." I said, startled.

"Well, not what you're thinkin. We had some drinks together, talked, eventually we came here and passed out on the couch." she elaborated, eyes half mast.

"Then what the hell was that?!" I said. I get no answer as she snores loudly. "Damn it." I mutter, saving the game, and noticing that it was still pretty early. My eyes were closing when a sound came from my bedroom. "The hell was that?" I muttered as I stretched and got up.

On my dresser was a note next to the candlestick. It read

Dear Mr. Kerr,

I must inform you that news of your arrival is spreading quickly and, to nip any rumors in the bud, I must ask you to make a presentation to be presented by you on the news.

Celestia

"Great." I moaned sitting down in my computer chair and opening Powerpoint. "No Wikipedia and I've got to remember a majority of the events in human history, biology, psychology, and science. Fuck my life." So I didn't go completely insane, I started playing music on my phone.

A Few Hours Later

"Unfortunately, my species's history is bathed in human blood, from our time as nomads to our modern time now. My world is one of 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend', 'damned if you do, damed if you don'ts', 'Homo homini lupus' and 'history is written to the victor'. However, it is also a world of 'I Have a Dream', 'homo sanctus est homini'.... huh, this really tells me something about my species." I spoke as I typed and would have continued typing my speech when there was a tap at my door. I turned and saw Applejack. "Hey, AJ."

"What ya doin there sugahcube?" she asked, walking towards my desk.

"Here." I handed her the letter from Celestia. "I also have some questions about last night. What the bloody hell happened?"

"We had some drinks and came here. Talked a bit and feel asleep."

"Alright," I turned back to my computer and saved my work before opening Movie Maker, "what did we talk about?"

"What your life was like before you came here, past love life, things like that. Don't really remember much though." she responded.

"Dido, I blacked out before we even left."

"Alright well I've gotta go. You've gotta nice voice by the way." she said, turning to walk away.

"Thanks.... lots of practice I guess." She nodded and left while I turned back to my work. I tried to search my mind for more sayings that reflect positively on humanity, but I couldn't for 2 reasons. 1; Not that many that are as memorable, and 2; I could only think about Applejack. "Damn it..." I muttered, realizing that I wasn't getting anymore work done for awhile.

To help me unwind, I put started playing 'soothing' music; and by 'soothing' I mean fast paced, energetic and intense. I was resting my eyes while listening to 'Dogfight' from the Ace Combat; Assault Horizon soundtrack when there was a knock on my door. "Who is it?" I said.

"It's Lyra." responded the voice from behind the door.

"Come in." I said. I heard the door open and was nearly immediately thrown against the wall by magic. Expecting to see a burly leg-breaker, I was surprised to see Lyra. "Lyra, just a teeny, tiny, itti-bitti, little question; WHAT THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU DOING!"

"I saw how you look at her, talk to her. I can't let her have you." she placed unusual emphasis on 'Her'.

"Oi, bitch, Stockholm Syndrome ain't gonna work on me." I responded, looking for a way to distract her, a weapon, or a way to call for help.

"I don't know what that is, but you and I are gonna have enough time to talk." she then hit me over the head with a lamp and I was knocked out.

I awoke strapped down to a table in a dark room. I struggled to look around and what I saw shocked me. Rifles, helmets, and distinctly human items were strung across the room. "Alright, fuckin hell. Looks like I've got to find my inner Macgyver." I struggled against the restraints and found that they were rusty, they would break easily. If the guns were loaded, I would have an easy time escaping. Hours passed, probably even days. I slept little and began to feel the affects of dehydration.

Before I had enough time to break the bonds, the door opened and Lyra walked in. "Hello there, Ben. Sorry, I took so long. I hope you're comfortable. Now, what is 'Stockholm Syndrome'."

"Before that, could you get me a glass of water. I beginning to fell the affects of dehydration." She complied and after I finished, I began to explain "Well you see, it is a psychological condition that causes a hostage to develop positive feeling for their captors and even going so far as to defend their actions." I tired to stealthily loosen the bonds and I was confident enough by sentence end to use a surge of strength to break it. "It usually develops after I KNOCK A BITCH OUT!" The bonds shattered and my fist connected with Lyra's face, sending her flying into the back wall. I undid my leg bonds and tied up Lyra with nearby rope.

"Let's see here, uh, an M1 Garand, M1911, both in excellent condition, a revolver, looks to be .375 magnum and single action, a Winchester repeater, and a double-barrel shotgun, all of which appear to have minor damage...." I muttered before noticing something. "Holy shit is this a hidden blade." the gauntlet I found had the Assassin insignia and I could see the tip of the blade. Either a the real thing or a good replica, I thought as I noticed more unusual items. A Pip-Boy 3000, a watch with Russian letters inscribed on it, a Task Force 141 patch, a Solid Eye, what appears to be Agent 47's garrote wire as well as many other things from fictional works. A plasma cutter, a M-8 Avenger, a M314 Motion Tracker and M41A Pulse Rifle, an iron helmet with horns on jutting out from the sides, and stockpiles of ammo that could give North Korea a run for its money. It could take years to list all the things in here and longer to take it all out.

“Where the hell did she get all this?” I asked myself quietly. I reached down a picked up the motion tracker and turned it on. Expecting to only get a blank screen, I was surprised when it started pulsing. Even more surprising was it detected motion. Grabbing for the nearest weapon, I came up with the Pulse Rifle. The ammo counter glowed a pale red with the number ’99’. I set down the motion tracker and looked for what moved. I noticed that Lyra was gone and grabbed the motion tracker again.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me! I kinda wish a xenomorph was after me.” I realized I didn’t want to kill her and sat the rifle down. I searched for something that wouldn’t kill her and came up with a tranquilizer pistol, that was nearby the Solid Eye. I remembered that this wasn’t non-lethal, just less lethal and hoped that  I wouldn’t overdose her. I decided that I would need a flashlight and looked over the table. “I’m gonna look like a jackass, but I’m gonna be a functioning jackass.”

Approximately an hour later, I emerged from the room wearing random gear from the room with the Motion Tracker and Tranq Gun in my hands. On my left arm a Pip-Boy, on my right a Hidden Blade and on my back was the Pulse Rifle.  A red bandana from Rambo was tied around my head and a mining helmet, with a flashlight, topped it. “Let’s do this.” I said before walking away.