My Apartment in Equestria

You know, the sound of a Motion Tracker is really disquieting when for a few minutes it is the standard ‘No Motion’ sound and it suddenly gets motion. Even more disquieting is when it always is just a few bits before stopping. Even more is when you can swear you hear whispering under the pulsing. I was surrounded by shelves with things I couldn't even name. A few times I had to stop myself from fanboying over the discovery of a Smart-gun or lightsaber.  “Hey Lyra, what are you even trying to gain? Kidnapping me, stalking me in the dark like a murderer.”

“I can’t let her have you. You know that Ben. Would you kindly stop running from my love?” responded Lyra, but I couldn’t tell if she was close or far away due to the echo.

After a few moments silence, I responded “You’re middle name wouldn’t happen to be Atlas would it?”

"No, why?"

"No reason. Just reminded me of something." My train of thought was derailed by a nuke when Lyra jumped me from behind. I shook her off, but dropped the things in my hands. I quickly grabbed at one of the nearby shelves and came up with.... a teletubby doll. Lyra prepared to pounce a few feet away and I held up the doll in a defensive position. "Stay back, I've got a!..... teletubby." I dropped it and grabbed for the rifle on my back. "And a Pulse Rifle." She stopped, recognizing that I held it like a weapon. "Now, what in the name of all that is fucking holy do you think you are doing?"

"What am I doing?! I am trying to win your love! Then I can study human mating patterns!"

"You can study 'mating patterns' when you take it from my cold, dead hands!"

"That doesn't even make sense!"

"Neither does your plan! Now kindly point me in the direction of the exit so I can get the HELL out of here!"

"Why would I do that?"

"Other than extreme moral issues with your plan, it also isn't a very go study."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"It isn't scientific. A real study would have it happen naturally, not force it." I elaborated.

"Oh, so will you go out with me?" she asked.

"Let's see; you've tackled me, kidnapped and assaulted me, made it clear you intend to force yourself upon me, and stalked me in the dark. Your chances are equal to that having hell freezing over."

"Is that good?" Lyra asked with a hopeful smile.

"No."

She began crying and any attempt to get a response were unsuccessful. I picked up the motion tracker and after a few minutes of wandering, I found a sign that read

Exit

->

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me!" I followed the sign and came across an exit. Of course, it was locked. Lucky for me, I had an under-barrel grenade launcher. Crouching behind cover, I took aim and pumped it. A buom sounded as I pulled the trigger. The shock wave knocked me over and thin rays of sunlight shown through the new opening. I pumped the launcher again and walked towards my newfound freedom. Up the stairs I walked and looked at the scene I had caused.

I found myself somewhere in Sweet Apple Acres. At least is where I thought I was because of all the apple trees. My motion tracker started going crazy as something got closer. Just in case it was something deadly, I lowered the pulse rifle to my shoulder. I heard a dog barking and someone feminine talking. "HEY! OVER HERE! HELP!" I shouted. I waited and the blips came closer. A collie ran through the underbrush and soon followed by Applejack, who promptly tackled me. Not in a, 'STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!' way but in the way a child would latch onto a parent who returned from war. Even more surprising was when she kissed me full on the lips. It wasn't an accident either, because she looked at me with pure glee before doing it.

After a few seconds, we both needed oxygen and broke the kiss. After a few gasps, I said "I guess that's how you feel about me, eh?"

She started to get up and muttered "Ah'm sorry sugarcube. I just... coul-MPH!" I surprised her by pulling her in for another kiss. We broke again and she said "Ah guess that's how ya feel about me?"

"Yeah... this mean we're an item now." We both nodded and got up before walking to the farmhouse.

"So, how long have I been missing?" I said, biting into an apple fritter. Applejack and I sat at a picnic table near the house.

"Three days. Ah got worried after ya didn't show up after the first few days. Big Mac went to your house, found the door wide open and you nowhere in sight. We reported it to the Guard and they searched high and low for you."

"Yeah... we should probably get Lyra into custody before she does something, uh, drastic. She went bat shit insane and kidnapped me when she thought we were together. She'll probably go shitting bats insane when she finds out we are actually together." I picked up the pulse rifle and motion tracker and motioned for AJ to follow me. Arriving at the 'Vault' as I call it, we made idle conversation as we searched for Lyra. "I think we should keep this place on the down low." I suggested.

"Why?"

"If we do, we've got an arsenal to put North Korea to shame and the ammo to keep everything firing. Besides, when preparing for the apocalypse you always think you have enough until the zombies come. Also, I'm probably the only one in this world that can use them practically."

"What do ya mean?"

"Hands and fingers. I don't think that hooves can fit into a trigger guard. This is probably ever nerds dream; a underground bunker that no one knows about full of items from various franchises."

"I suppose. But promise me this; You only use this stuff in worst-case scenarios. Promise?" Applejack asked, giving me the cutest 'Pwease?' face I've ever seen.

"Of course. I'm not a psychopath." I responded. She motioned for me to bend down. When I did, she kissed me on the forehead. "Who would've thought that me being kidnapped would bring us together?" We pressed our foreheads against each other and gave a satisfied sigh "We should probably not do this in here.  Lyra will probably flip her shit and do something extremely drastic."

We continued onward and we both heard sobbing. "Alright, go get some guards. I'm gonna try and talk some sense into her. Now before you try and talk me out of it, I'll be fine. I think she trusts me. Besides, I've got a pulse rifle." Applejack nodded and turned to leave. I took a deep breath and continued into the next room. "Lyra, are you okay?" Then I was pounced.

"Oh my Celestia, Ben! I was soooooooooo worried about you! No we can be together for ever."

"No, we aren't!"

"Wait, what are you saying Ben?" gasped Lyra.

I, exasperated, facepalmed and growled "I HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU! IF THERE WAS A LIKABILITY SCALE BETWEEN 1 AND 10, YOU'D BE NEGATIVE PI! YOU'VE BEEN OUTLAWED IN 28 STATES, JUST SO PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO YOU! IF A COLOGNE WERE TO BE NAMED AFTER YOU IT'D BE CALLED 'ESSENCE OF ANNOYANCE'! IF CANCER GOT CANCER, YOU'D BE THE ONE THEY'D NAME IT AFTER! KNOCK, KNOCK!" I screamed.

"Who's there?" responded Lyra, the message I was trying to get across smacking her face.

"NODODY! BECAUSE NOBODY WOULD EVER WANT TO SEE YOU! WHEN PEOPLE ASK MONKS WHAT THE MEANING OF LIFE IS, THEY SAY 'STAY AWAY FROM YOUR DUMB ASS! YOU'RE BEETHOVEN'S LOST SYMPHONY 'DEATH TO JOY'! Would every unicorn with green fur, a Lyre cutie mark, and a likable personality please raise your hoof?" Lyra slowly raised her hoof, only to be met with my yelling, which was noticeably rougher. "YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO EVEN GET THAT JOKE! ON THE EVOLUTIONARY SCALE, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE GOING BACKWARDS! YOU'RE THE SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING ON EVERY PACK OF CIGARETTES! GIVE ME AN 'I', GIVE ME A 'H', GIVE ME AN 'A-T-E YOU'! I HATE YOU!!!"

I snapped out of my daze and wondered what to say. "Actually, Lyra, no we aren't. You can not make me love you. I'm sorry but it's not gonna happen. But I'll offer you a deal; I'll sing a little song, explain what all this stuff is and drop all charges, you never try to make me love you again, we never speak of this place or what happened here."

She sighed, "Alright, fine. Deal. What's this song?"

"Well......

I fucking love science!

Can you even imagine(way back in the past)

when we thought that storms were caused by petty gods

fighting on top of the mountain.

And yeah, I like a good story

but eventually it's gonna bore me if it doesn't have that truth;

That incontrovertible, testable, repeatable proof

I Fuckin' love Science

I Fuckin' Love Charles Darwin

Cause I don't think it's bold to question what you're told

If you're told that the world's a thousand years old.

There's nothing here to argue against,

It's a process not an ideology,

And I fucking love science.

Sometimes people ask me,

Of all of the centuries,

Which I'd pick to live life in.

We'll, that's pretty easy...

Right now. If you think objectively.

If you like hot running water,

And memory foam beds,

And TV shows and cell phones,

And not being dead

You fuckin' love science,

And I fuckin' love Carl Sagan

'Cause I think it's fly to look up at the sky

And never ever ever stop wondering why

There's nothing here to argue against

It's a process not an ideology,

And I fucking love science.

Wooly mammoth embryos

Vaccines for smallpox and polio

Your TV set, the internet

Your PS4, supersonic jets.

Exoplanets galaxies,

DNA, germ theory, relativity,

Just take a sec to think about it

How screwed we would be without it.

I Fuckin' love Science

And I love Rosalind Franklin,

'Cause I want to die remembering why

The truth is more important than winning a prize.

There's nothing here to argue against.

It's a process not an ideology,

And I fucking love science.

"There, that's your fucking song. All this stuff, is a result of science. Enhancements in medicine, everything; comes from science. Hopefully that's enough of an explanation, because explaining every object would take years. Now, let's get out of here."