Pony Fails

A royal courier hauled a wagonload of responses from ponies far and wide into the throne room of Canterlot Castle, where Celestia and Luna sat reviewing petitions.

Luna tilted her head curiously. "What is all this, sister?"

"Oh, that's right...you're usually asleep when I'm processing RSVPs to the Gala," Celestia said. "It's a bit silly, but the nobles and guests have this tradition of responding to Gala invitations with tokens of appreciation." She chuckled. "It's a misguided attempt to curry my royal favor."

Luna groaned. "The one thing I dislike most about life in Canterlot is the nuisance nobles," she said. "Especially that buffoon Blueblood."

Celestia sighed. "Yes...well." She cleared her throat. "Let's see what we have today, shall we?" A pink bag bursting with streamers floated off the pile. When Celestia opened it, it went off with a FWEE! and shot a dozen balloons and an explosion of confetti into the air. A little construction paper cutout of Pinkie Pie flipped up out of the bag, holding a note:

Sorry, Princess!
Maud has this rock and mineral expo to go to that weekend, and she doesn't want to miss the panel on volcanic glass! And, well...I only came to the last Gala because SHE wanted to attend. I'm having a fun-fun party here in Ponyville for ponies who couldn't or didn't want to go to the no-fun Gala.

Be sure to let me know what crazy scheme you come up with to annoy everypony this year, though!

Love,
Pinkie Pie

"That's disappointing," Celestia said. "But...I respect her reasons." Shrugging, she set the response from Pinkie aside and floated a card off the pile that bore Twilight Sparkle's Cutie Mark. She frowned. "Strange...why didn't she send her response via Spike?" She opened the envelope and withdrew a single lavender card, lettered in neat hornwriting:

Dear Princess Celestia,
I regret that I must decline to attend this year's Grand Galloping Gala. There is an old expression I believe you are well acquainted with: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

To put it frankly: Watching you intentionally create havoc at the expense of other ponies to liven up the dullest, least interesting affair in the Equestrian social calendar is wearing a little thin, and I'd rather not be around to find out how you plan on topping last year's stunt with Discord.

Have fun destroying your own castle! Again!

Respectfully yours,
Princess Twilight Sparkle

Celestia's eyes were wide. Luna blinked. "Oh my," she said. "Twilight Sparkle sounds...most displeased."

Celestia shook her head and sighed. "I suppose I deserved that..." Setting the card aside, she next chose a bright white bag with a coiled purple ribbon. There was a card attached, which she removed and floated to her sister. As Luna opened the card, Celestia opened the bag. She peered inside; her brow furrowed. "It's empty."

Luna giggled. "It's from Rarity," she said. She cleared her throat and imitated the fashionista's distinct accent:

Dearest Princess Celestia,

Enclosed you will find my dignity. It IS what you want, is it not?

Yours,
Rarity

Celestia blinked repeatedly.

In the next package, she found a rotten, worm-riddled apple and a card that simply said, "Nope!"

"That would be from Applejack," Luna remarked, smirking.

Next was a box wrapped in sky blue paper. When Celestia opened it, a tiny thundercloud floated out and spat lightning at her, sizzling her mane.

"Rainbow Dash," Luna said, covering her muzzle with a hoof. Celestia frowned.

The next package Celestia unearthed was a wicker basket with air holes and a yellow ribbon. A butterfly-shaped card was attached. "This would be from Fluttershy, I assume," Celestia said. Hesitantly, she opened the basket...

A vampire fruit bat fluttered out, screeching and slapping Celestia around the ears with its leathery wings. Celestia screamed and thrashed around. "GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!"

Luna rolled around on the floor, laughing.

Once the bat finally got tired of pestering Celestia and flew away, the sun princess shook herself down, took a deep, cleansing breath, and sighed. "Well...I suppose I shouldn't bother inviting Twilight and her friends to the Gala again."

"I...think not, yes," Luna said, giggling.

Celestia's ears folded back. "Well...at least the rest of these will be normal noble tributes." She fished around in the cart and levitated out a large brown paper bag, tied closed with fishing line that had an actual fish on a hook hanging from it.

Luna's ears perked up. "How...strange..."

"Discord," Celestia said with a tired sigh. Shaking her head, she opened the bag...

A rancid smell filled the air. "EUGH!" Luna cried, covering her muzzle. She peered warily into the bag. "Is...is that...dog vomit?"

"I believe so," Celestia said.

The dog vomit burst into flames.

Celestia watched it burn. "The Gala's going to suck this year," she said sadly.