An alcoholics recollection of Equestria

{Me}

[Soren]

^Omega^

*Midnight Shadow*

-Reaper-

Our trip towards the wastes was mainly uneventful. Between my spells to sustain Dagger, and Dagger's training, we made wonderful time. Along the way, I recounted the finer points of my life with Octavia.

"Well. First things first. Octy. I'm a human." I quickly grabbed her and pulled her back on to Dagger. "Hey I just started!"

"So my friend Lyra is correct? Humans do exist?"

I nodded my head. "Me and Dagger here are both humans. I'm here...well we'll get to that. Dagger came here to get rid of the voices in his head. Still haven't gotten around to that have you?"

"I can drop you at any time asshole!"

"Yea I know. That's what makes it funny."

Octavia was still scrambling to understand what the hell was going on. I mean hell. You've just been kidnapped by mystical creatures. What would YOU do?

"You're lying." Well that made sense.

"Sadly. I'm not. Think about it. Would a pony know those songs?"

"Perhaps not..."

"No. I created those songs on Earth." What? I had to keep a LITTLE bit of street cred. She didn't need to know how shitty I was.

"Proove it."

I stroked my chin thoughtfully. Then I consulted the all powerful demon in my head. Yes I know! I shock myself. Sometimes I make smart and nonimpulsive decisions. Amazing right?

-Yea whatever. You're still an idiot.-

{How can we show her?}

-Could show her our memories.-

{Hmm. Sounds like a good plan.}

*WAIT!*

{What?}

*We're in a bad fanfic. No memory spells ever work right in a a bad fanfic!*

{...I'll risk it.}

"Hey Shadow! Equestria to Shadow! Look at me. Can't have you fallin off now." Ah. Wonderful Octavia. Always there to break my train of thought. Or thoughts. Or conversations. Or...whatever the hell it is.

"Sorry. I was merely consulting the all powerful demon in my head. As it is, I have a plan to proove to you I am indeed a human. Dagger? Set us down there."

Dagger nodded, and then closed his wings. We started dropping like a rock. Octavia was screaming, Dagger was laughing, and I was just yelling "You fucktard!" Right before we hit the ground and became a wonderful multicolored pancake, Dagger's wings shot up and we glided to the ground. I hopped off his back and turned to him.

"If you do that again...Cupcakes will not be able to match the torture I will put you through." He gulped. My intimidation tactics were working!

-I also made your eyes red and set your mane on fire. You like a horse of the apocalypse.-

{Well...thanks.}

[Hey Reaper? Could ya put it out? I don't feel like burning to a nice tasty crisp today.]

^Yes indeed. I would rather my enemies be the ones burning. Not us.^

I turned to Octavia. "Okay...I have absolutely no idea how this works, so here goes nothing." Before she could protest, I tackled her to the ground (20% more fun when you're a pony!) and touched my horn to her forehead.

We were both suddenly in an alleyway. I hopped up, in human form, and lifted my hand to Octavia. She looked up at me like I was an alien. Oh yea.

"So...you really are a human?" I nodded. "Where are we?" She had gotten out of the alley and was looking around.

"The wonderful town of Nashville. My hometown. With a few changes."

"I still can't believe it. How quickly my life has changed. One minute I'm a washed up has-been, and the next I've been kidnapped by mythological beings " I chuckled.

"You think your life is insane? I woke up after shooting myself as a pony. Nothing tops that. And Dagger got attacked by an evil computer program. That's a pretty close second."

"You're not joking...are you?"

I shook my head, then facehoofed because she was looking at Nashville and couldn't see me. "No. I'm not. C'mon. Lie back down. We still have to make it to the wastes." She nodded her head. I placed my head down in the alleyway, and came back to the real world...

__________

Earlier that day...

{Me}

[Khayo]

I turned to Shade. "Do we have everything?"

He nodded. "Smoke bombs, invisibility potions, and retractable blades."

"And you know how to make all of those?"

Shade nodded again. Then he continued going through the knapsack I had made. "We also have water and food to sustain us for 2 weeks, however our journey should take much less."

"So where are we going again?"

"The Volcanic Wastes. Specifically, Mos Hoofsly. Never will you find a more vile hive of scum and villainy."

"In other words, the perfect place to get a guild." Shade nodded.

[I can't believe we're going to a ponified version of Mos Eisley. I wonder if we'll find Hoof Solo, pilot of the Millenium Pegasus.]

{Sorry Khayo, but I highly doubt it.}

[Hey! I can dream of that wonderful, ama-]

{I'm gonna cut you off right there Khayo. Remember, I'm still straight.}

[For NOOOOOOOWWW.]

{I hate it when you do that singsong voice. I hope you know that.}

I broke off my inner monologue to listen to Shade.

"Now then we are in the Feline Jungle, which means we aren't that far from the Wastes. If we head-" He pointed his hoof for emphasis." That way, we should run into Mos Hoofsly."

"So how is this gonna work?"

"I'm going to ride on your back."

[Aw Yeah! Cowpony style!]

{Oh dear god kill me now.}

I sighed. "It IS the fastest way..."

Shad chuckled at my plight. "Colt-cuddlin conscience givin ya trouble?"

"Yea. He's a real dick sometimes."

Shade continue to laugh. "Alright. Let me mount up. I'll be sure to get into a good position."

"And you're a dick too. Stop encouraging him, else he makes you rape me."

Shade's eyes went wide at that statement. Think about that for a second. These ponies have very big eyes. Shade's just got bigger. It was amazing. And hilarious. Wait. Did I just break the fourth wall. Oops.

"C-Could he do that?"

"Hell if I know. Probably. Now hop on. We gotta get to this Mos Hoofsly." Shade nodded, then hopped on to my back. I shot my wings out and began to fly. Shade had learned a spell that would keep my bassic essentials of life fulfilled, so I did not have to stop flying. Pretty sweet spell if you ask me. Aw man. I did it again. Sorry Fourth wall!

_________

At Mos Hoofsly...

"Seriously Dagger? You brough us to the ponified version of Mos Eisley?" It was a pretty cool place actually. Airships were everywhere. Airships and drunks. There were also lots of bars. However, unlike the futuristic place in Star Wars, this place looked quite industrial. Steampunk, if you will.

*I wonder if we'll meet...Hoof Solo.*

[Shadow. You're a fucking nerd.]

*That's the idea dumbass.*

[...one day, I will find a way to kill you.]

*Likewise...cockbite.*

Dagger nodded his head. "You wanted scum and villainy? This is the best place. C'mon. Let's head down to the local cantina." I nodded and followed him closely. Octavia was hot on my...heels? Hooves? Honestly at this point I still have no fucking clue. He led us down a shady alleyway into a bar.

"Alright Shadow, I have a contact here already. Once we find this guy, you can go get a few drink, make a few friends."

"Sounds good. Where's our guy?" Dagger nodded his head toward the end of the bar. A pony was sitting there, wearing a tuxedo. He looked pretty dapper for a place like this. He was drinking a martini, and had two mares swooning over him. He shooed them away once he saw us. We started walking over to him.

"Rainbow Dagger?" I finally got a good look at him. Wait a second.

"Dagger. Donut Joe is our contact?"

The stallion laughed. "Oh that's just my cover. My name is Mane. Con Mane.

Author's note. As if this story could get more ridiculous, I'm gonna make it more rediculous! I expect to see some more Con Mane fiction after this story.