An alcoholics recollection of Equestria

The Gods converged in their usual meeting place. All of the minor gods sat on the outside.

"He has come in search of the next one."

"Indeed. He doesn't know that we've already picked Shadow as a candidate."

"Does he really need to know?" Voices sprouted up to offer their opinion, but were quickly silenced.

"He needs to do this. All Agents do. Let him have his final hurrah."

"Agreed. No one here shall assist them."

"Meeting adjurned."

______

{Me}

[Soren]

^Omega^

*Midnight Shadow*

-Reaper-

I turned to Dagger. "Seriously! Our contact is Con Bloody Mane!"

Dagger shrugged. "I worked with him while I was a Royal Guard. He provided intel for when we sent a team into changeling lands. I thought it was a joke, but he is indeed the real Con Mane."

"There was this one time I was almost discovered by-" I cut him off.

"Pinkie Pie. However you were saved by Twilight Sparkle, who unwittingly enforced your cover. In answer to how I know that, I am an interdimensional being who can sometimes view what is happening in this world." This stopped Con from speaking, as he was too busy picking his jaw off the ground. "Now then. Dagger are you sure he won't turn on us?"

Dagger nodded. "He was framed for an attempted assassination. He had been told to eliminate somepony at a major ceremony. He was to assassinate the assassinator. However, his target never showed up." Con Mane had regained his senses and decided to take over.

"Next thing I knew, a spell fires off, and I'm blamed. The bloody princess brought me before her and everything. I got banished from Equestria. I decided to take the title of assassin and moved out here. I've been getting jobs. It was a slow week 'till Dagger called. Let me just say, I'm in. I was framed, and now I want my revenge."

"Revenge is my favorite motivator. Alright Dagger. We can trust him. Anyone else?"

Before Dagger could say something, Mr. Mane spoke up. "I actually have someone who could help. She is a master of bladed weapons."

[I have a funny feeling I know where this is going.]

-You and me both.-

"Ah! She approaches! Don't let her appearance fool you. She can kill you with her bare hands. Or she could use one of the billion of knives she hides on her."

Up walked...a mule. Wearing a yellow jumpsuit.

"Okay this is unfuckin believable. You're telling me that Mulia Mild is our fourth crew member?"

"Ah. You've heard of her then?"

I nodded. "She's a fuckin baker."

"That was one of her covers. She used that bakery to sneak into Canterlot."

I pulled out my cigarette pack. I hadn't had a Mareboro since we touched down to show Octavia my memories. And I needed a LOT of zen godness right now.

Oh right. Octavia. I took a quick glance to see how she was holding up. To her credit, she didn't look scared. I had expected her to be more afraid of the super badass spy and the Kill Bill reject. Hmm. Maybe she has some sort of Canterlot poker face. Could be useful for infiltration.

"Right then. So Dagger. Let me get this straight. Our little crew consists of you, a weapons specialist; me, a magic specialist; Octavia, infiltration and distraction; a superspy; and a Kill Bill reject?" I lit my ciggy and took a long breathe in. Ahh.

"That about sums it up. Why?" I slammed my head on the table.

"We are so totally fucked."

Dagger chuckled. "Relax. I hired the best. Take a look at the combat triangle. It's perfect!"

"No. We need something else. A medic. We need my friends."

"Well, we don't have your friends. Trust me Shadow, this'll work."

I shook my head doubtfully. "I need a drink." I slammed my hoof onto the table in front of me. "Bartender! Applejack Daniels!" The pony nodded and quickly filled my order. I grabbed the bottle and took a long swig out of it.

"Hey pardner. Couldn't help but overhear your situation. I think I know a stallion who can help you out" Hmm.

*Hold up. Bartenders giving quests? HOLY SHIT IT'S SKYRIM!*

"Who." The bartender pointed to an empty booth.

"He should be there in a few." I thanked him and threw enough bits on the table to pay for the drink, and a few more for the tip. I excused myself from the group. Dagger was currently going over the plan with Con Mane and Mulia Mild. I don't believe he even noticed me leave. I slowly trotted over to the empty booth. Still, no pony sat in it. I finally reached the booth, and took a seat. As soon as I sat down, a red figure came up next to me.

"Well! I think your readers want something new and crazy. I'm gonna give it to them!" Hold up. He said what now?"

"What the fuck?" I looked up to see...holy shit. Deadhoof was standing right next to me. He was dressed in red, with black on his eyes and other parts of his body. He had a horn, which the mask somehow covered.(Equestrian physics) Finally, he had an arsenal with him. Katanas, grenades, guns, he had 'em all.

"That's right! It is I! The one and only amazingly sexy Deadhoof. Please feel free to bask in my awesomeness for a few minutes. And remember, I'm 20% sexier than that knockoff Deadpool."

*How many walls did he just break?*

^Error...Does. Not. Compute.^

[Aw hell yea! Deadpool! Our life is complete!]

-Soren, I think it would be wise to make sure he hasn't just destroyed the universe before we celebrate him being here.-

{Someone tell me what the fuck is going on here.}

"Well, I am the ponified version of Deadpool. Who is not a real person. And we both know this. We also play poker with each other every Sunday night."

{He can read minds?!}

"Yes, and so can Pinkie Pie. Any more questions?"

"Will you help us?" Deadhoof started chuckling.

"Of course I'll grace you with my wonderful presence. Why else would I have come over here?"

"Then follow me. I need to introduce you to the rest of the crew."

"You mean the superspy, Kill Bill reject, Canterlot mare, and other human?"

I sighed. "I don't think I'm gonna get used to you."

"Fantastic!"

___________

{Me}

[Khayo]

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Mos Hoofsly...

"So. This is it then?" Shade nodded.

"Mos Hoofsly ship port. Never will you find a large hive of scum and villainy."

[Can we meet Hoof Solo?]

{If he exists, I am never letting you get anywhere close to him.}

"Right so then. We should just walk into a random cantina and yell out recruiting for the Equestrian Thieves Guild?"

"What? Would that not work?" I facehoofed.

"It'd probably be a good way to get us shot. Follow me lead. We have to be subtle."

"Who says your good at subtlety?" I pointed towards my ass.

"My cutie mark is for stealth. I'm pretty damn sure I'm good at subtlety."

I trotted into the cantina with my head held high. I walked over to the bartender and bought a drink. As soon as he brought it back I did the only thing I learned from Skyrim.

"Heard any rumors?"

The barpony nodded. "One very recently. A black unicorn is trying to gather up a crew to rob the princesses."

[That's our Shadow!]

{He's not yours! He's straight!}

[...party pooper.]

"Point me and my friend in the direction."

The barkeep nodded his head to the left. Except instead of Shadow, I saw ponies that looked suspiciously like Royal Canterlot Guards. Wait. Shit.

"ALL MEMBERS OF THE EQUESTRIAN THIEVES GUILD ARE UNDER ARREST! DO NOT RUN, OR WE WILL USE LETHAL FORCE!"

Here we go again.