Recollections of the Rhodes

Chapter one:

Scavenge

Date: 2/23/2037

Location: Winnona, Al (Oil Rig Office, 435 West Rd.)

Time: 20:21

Cervantes POV

... just keep running, just keep running just keep running. Oh just how can some one screw up a scavenge mission. It should go fine I said. What could go wrong I said. I fucking hate you Murphy. I just don't know what went wrong. Oh yeah, about 13 minutes ago...

• 13 minutes ago -

"...mmph... water bottles... check... junk food... check... alcohol... check... ammunition...," I was checking supplies, making sure everything was O.K. right now. Normally there wouldn't be much need to talk but talking helps keep me sane. Being potentially the last human in existence can be stressful. I haven't come across another human being or a sentient mutant since things went bad with the exception of my buddy Johnny, but he died not long after he became a Yeti (Although in hindsight I live in Alaska so I wouldn't see much anyways) . Shit hit the fan some two years ago, starting up at the polar rim up north. It was some chemical ooze that was frozen up north and it thawed out from global warming. That crap was fast acting on crumbling humanity

Scientists thought it was caused by pollution at first until they came into physical contact with it. Don't know the exact details, except for it changed the scientist. It... mutated them. People ended up nicknaming it the Darwin virus. It was some sort of chemical mutagen that dated back to the dinosaur age, around their extinction to be exact. Symptoms of the first stage seemed harmless enough, resulting in the subjects immune to huge temperature changes and sudden light changes. A man with the stuff could see and hear after a flash bang and could walk through a Canada blizzard in their shorts. The next stage though... resulted in interesting effects.

Over a few weeks after the first stage, the subject goes through rapid mutation. any environment an infectee goes through, they changes with it. City infectees grew extra limbs which made it easier to climb buildings. Those up in Canada and Alaska got furry, big as hell, and blended in with the snow drifts. Subjects reported just a tingling feeling, no pain what so ever. Somehow the stuff reacted to its surroundings this way, almost as if it knew. The final stage starts after a few months, It all depends on willpower. Actually, my buddy Johnny resisted it completely, he turned out to be one cool Yeti. He only died when he ran into another Yeti who decided to fight him for dominance.

It reduced their minds to a primal state, making them nothing more than animals. The stuff as it turns out, is recreated in their saliva, so it's as infectious as rabies. After a while though, it started affecting other animals. It then moved on to plants. I heard about some Alligator/flytrap hybrid down in Florida before media went out, so it can obviously crossbreed DNA.

But the mutants we got up here are BAD. Ever seen a saber toothed polar bear with fins that let it swim 14 mph? Its scary as hell. Fun fact, penguins can fly now. they're also as big as helicopters. Kinda like pterodactyls if you think about it. So lets see... where was I? Oh, setting up camp in an office building. I was setting up some firecracker tripwires when a loud series of pops went off... that was one of them, wasn't it? I slipped into an office cube and pulled out an AR15 that I stole found on a military truck a while back. Sounded like that came from the west elevator soooo... im probably looking at climbing variants of yeti. Or polar variants of spiderlings. I'm honestly hoping its the latter. they're clingy and jumpy as hell, but they're fragile as glass. If that's the case then I could just give them a swift whack. So to test that theory...

"Olley Olley Oxenfree!!!" ... what can I say? I graduated from the University of Certified Dumbasses. *skitter skatter skitter skatter*.

"Well, where's the flyswatter?"

*Crash!* *Crash!* *Smash!*... uh-oh.

Heh, now that I look back, it was pretty stupid. I didn't realise there was a 100 OF THE FUCKERS! These bugs are probably gonna try to kill me, as is always with all other mutants. Ohh, like thats gonna happen. The repetitive pattering of my AR15 is probably the one thing that's kept me alive though. I honestly don't know how much longer till-*Click* *Click* *Click*... shit.

Dropping my AR15, I Switched off. You starting a gun fight with me is like trying to raid fort knox. Now grinning with glee, I was making my way through with two HS10's in each hand. You know, i've really got a schtick for duel wielding. Think about it, I duel wield my 45. Desert Eagles, my .44 revolvers, 10mm knife modified submachine guns, HS10's, Sickles (yes, sickles), and claymores. Big. Fucking. Custom built claymores. And im wearing them all right now. Despite being bulgy, which makes me a more obvious target, it pays off. Not to mention all the pockets. Lots and lots of pockets. The ones around my back on the inside of my trenchcoat have rations, never needed many waterbottles around though.

Take a minute to realise this. Im in Alaska. It's February. Do the math. If you got it right, you get a cookie. If not, congratulations, I think you were my colleague from the U.C.D. . To put it simply, what is snow made of? And what happens when you heat it up? I'm sure you can figure it out from there. *BLAM* "Headshot!" *BLAM* "Headshot!" *BLAM* "... I didn't know their gonads could do that..." *BLAM* *BLA-BLAM* *BLAM*. You know, im actually making progress here. Granted, I underestimated the number by a few more tens, but hey, the more the merrier.

Sheathing the HS10s when I ran dry, I was reaching for my Desert Eagles when- *Crash!* I was slammed out of a window by a prompt spiderling tackle. Those little shits may have bones of glass, but they've got one hell of a tackle. Hmmm... let's see, falling out a window from the top of a five story building. Im kinda curious when i'll hit the ground. Hmm, todays tuesday so- *bff*... now. Thank god no ones around to shovel the sidewalk these days. Better yet, I crushed a certain bug with my fat ass, courtesy of newton. However, hearing more windows break open, I took it as my cue to pull out my .44 revolvers and HAUL ASS LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!

• Present -

Heh, for lack of a better word, I AM BONED! I only stuck around in the building since I was pretty much cornered. Lets see... Ahh, looks like some certain oil company conveniently left some oil barrels around. I stopped for a moment, letting my momentum slide me on the ice drift I ran onto. Hah, if only I were that slick. Instead, I slipped and fell flat on my ass. *BLAM*... wut. One of my revolvers apparently slipped out of my hand and went off, firing at the... barrels... shit. The last thing I could yell out before being engulfed in flame was "OH YOU GOTTA BE SH-!!" . *KA-BOOM!* Was a sound I have only wanted to hear if it worked for me, but instead physics is being a prick and deciding to send me sliding. Well, on the bright side, it killed the last spiderlings. On the downside, the explosion was not so merciful with me. Mainly because I am one stubborn fuck. Hmph, it didn't even let me finish my sentence. I was sliding across the ice like a hockey puck, unwilling to even bother stopping. Hell, I couldn't move if I wanted to, seeing as how spinning like a bottle on my mini-gun is disorienting.

Groaning, I decided to take action. I took my sickles and thrust them deeply into the ice. Shortly after slowing down,  I started rocking back and forth. Not long afterwards, I had enough momentum to toss myself onto my knees. When I just got off of my ass and stood proudly, I noticed something in the ice. Fractures. "Crk-Crik*. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCKK!!! I jumped and ran like the devil himself was after me. not enough. The explosion lauched me near the edge of the ice sheet a good distance from  the snow from earlier, which was the only traction I had out here. Turns out the office was built on shore, and I was a LOOOONNG ways away. Again, I fucking hate Murphy.

*Crick-CRACK!* Shit. The section of ice I was standing caved in and I soon felt the cold as balls water rush me in. I was trying and trying again to cling to something or swim back up, but to no avail. I was even attempting to take off the mini-gun, but the strap was jammed. Strangely though, some feeling was building up in my stomach. I guess this is what it feels like to die. With the last glimmering of light coming from above as no longer felt anything, I gave a sluggish salute to the world up above before my world went white.

[{((O))}]

I awoke a little bit later. I felt... weightless. I also felt wind rushing against me. Opening my eyes, I puffed through a cloud. Wait, Am I going to heaven? Looking behind me, I saw the clouds getting further away. What? Oh no, am I going to hell? Look god, I swear, I may have a different sexual taste and i'll admit to shoplifting beer from that carryout when I was seventeen, but PLEASE don't send me to hell for doing that. I'll do anything I swear. I'll get on my knees if I have - Oh look, trees. And the trees are getting... closer. Wow, that hurts. Not to mention I found out what pinewood tastes like today. *Thump* *Crack* *Crick*. Wow, this really hurts. Again though, last I checked it was Tuesday so-*THUMP*... owww.

I groaned as I slid off of a tree branch and abused my already tattered trench coat. Oh, and It appears I fucked up my leg too. I got up off of the grassy terrain and adjusted my sappy stetson. How did that thing stay on the whole time? The cold air embraced me as I embraced it in the dark of night. I was ready to head out when a combo of head splitting migraine, my leg, and a certain pain in the ass named Issac Newton, I stumbled and tripped. "Great..." I muttered. Well, only one way to fix this. I reached into my inner coat pocket and pulled out a fine flask of whiskey. after a swig... O.K. scratch that, I emptied the damn thing, I eventually stumbled up and began limping away with the combo of cold and alcohol numbing my leg and headache.

After getting back up, I bumbled around for a moment before realizing something. Hmmm... Wasn't I drowning? If this is the afterlife, then why does it hurt? Maybe it was on clearance, that would explain it. Looking around further I saw it was unusually colorful, with a few pairs of glowing yellow eyes in the bushes. Wait, oh fuck me. If I learned anything from wilderness hiking in Canada, its that wolves always take cliche moments to butt in to things. Aaaannd now with the howling. I stumbled back a moment, reaching into my coat pockets. Surprisingly, everything on me was dry, almost like I never fell in the water. My hands were now occupied with beautiful crescent blades gleaming in the moonlight (Sickles are awesome, and the apocalypse gave me plenty of practice).

As the wolves popped out of the bushes I saw one peculiar thing about them. they were covered snout to tail in wood. I couldn't help but face palm at the irony of it all. Timber wolves... heh, got wood? This virus really has a sense of humor. In fact, my  buddy, Johnny, We would call him Yeti 'cause he was a mountain man sort of guy like me, but the difference is, he almost NEVER shaved. Heh, funny thing how nature works.

When the... Timber wolves... started closing in on me, I began counting heads. "One... Three... five, no wait I think I already counted that one... COULD YOU ALL SIT STILL FOR A MINUTE!? JESUS, IM TRYING TO SEE HOW MANY OF YOU THERE ARE!" I yelled in frustration. To my surprise they actually backed away for a moment, some looking shocked, and others just plain confused. 'Here's my chance' I thought as I charged to one unlucky enough to be near me. Despite my leg hurting like a bitch, I tackled him and stabbed my sickles into its chest, and pulled it apart. Tree sap had sprayed onto my chest and I caught one by the face who attempted to charge me and smashed his face into the ground, completely shattering it.

I then pulled out a pair of smoke bombs and tossed them to either side of me. The wolves yelped at the sudden smoke, possibly thinking I may have set the area on fire. I charged to two of them, grabbed them by the necks, and whipped them towards the remaining two. to add effect, I let out a primal roar for shock value. "YEEEEAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!" I screamed, charging forward and bringing my sickles down on two skulls. Granted, one dodged in time, but the other was brought to it's death as I dragged it into the smoke and stomped its corpse into the ground repeatedly. All the remaining wolves ran off whimpering with their tails between their legs. Being cocky as I was, I shouted "Oh look at the big bad wolves! Turns out you're all bark and no bite. Hahaha! that's just a bad joke that had to be said!". What can I say, When I get into fights with anything, I can be dangerous.

With them gone, I pulled the fresh lumber carcasses up to the center of the clearing we fought in and lit it up. I don't smoke, but I always carry a lighter for the metric shit ton of explosives I carry these days. I took a seat on a nearby rock and began taking inventory. two 44. revolvers, two giant custom made clay mores, two 10 mm sub-machine guns with sword-bayonet modifications (And that's thanks to my mobile workshop), Sickles, 5 mm machine gun (Damn reason why I drowned to begin with, thing's like 50 pounds), Remington hunting rifle with scope, Lighter, Clothes(And thank god, I wouldn't want anyone spying my gorgeous prize if anyone else was in the afterlife, now would I?), four flash bangs, two pineapple fragmentation grenades, five pipe bombs, three sticky bombs (Lots of duct tape, firecrackers, and a tin can), fourteen Molotov, couple bags of potato chips, a handful of meat sticks, box of medicinal tea, box of crushed Twinkies (*sniff*, you will be missed), half a two liter of water, anti-biotics (I wonder if its still good to use?), my mobile workshop (Couple of duffle bags hidden in my coat, one with tools such as a wrench and bio-diesel blowtorch, and the other bag with spare parts), Flash light with spare rechargeable batteries, solar battery charger, and my acoustic guitar. Like a anthropomorphic African wild jungle cat once said, Grrreat! Well, when I run out of water I suppose I could drink my piss... nah, I don't wanna steal Bear Grylls thunder.

Soooo, recap. I've got little food, little water, some medical supplies, And a redneck neighborhood's worth of weapons (If I savor my ammo right). In short, I am SO fucked. "Only thing that could make this worse is-" *CRA-KABOOM!*... "...Fuck. Well on the bright side I have water now," I mumbled. I pulled off my coat and hooked it up to some branches to make a rain catcher and double over as shelter when I leaned a few sticks and leaves to it. After I put my two litre under a sleeve, I curled up and sang myself to sleep. "I'm Gonna lay down my sword and shield, down by the riverside, down by the riverside, down~ by the riverside. Im Gonna lay down my sword and shield...".

...

[{((O))}]

...

Mmph, good morning me. Groaning, I made an attempt to get off my ass. Which failed as I felt a sharp pain shoot up my leg, causing me to fall over into the fire pit. Luckily, the fire was long out, and at most I looked like I ran around an active volcano. Carrying myself out of the fire pit and leaning up against a tree, I rolled my pant leg up to get a look. Damn, I think I done broke it. Pulling out a rag from a Molotov, and breaking a branch to an O.K. size, I now had a splint (And more alcohol). Stumbling up, I began to try and put pressure on my leg.

"no... no... OWW! Jesus Christ that HURTS!" O.K., so now I know my limits. Soon enough, I began packing up. My two liter was literally overflowing now although it came at the price of soaking my trench coat. Not long after enjoying a breakfast of rainwater and Twinkie paste, I started mixing some dirt into the fireplace to prevent anything from tracking me, I took a look up. "Hmm... too many god damn tree branches for me to tell the time. Whelp, best get a move on. Lets see... that way should be... so i'll head... this way. Walking, Walking, Walking, Tree, Walking...". I honestly had no idea where the fuck I was going.

You know what? I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but... This forest is unusually colorful. Colorful as in, I just pulled some mushrooms out of cow shit and started chewing on them kind of colorful. I mean, what kind of tree has a fucking outline?I'd say someone slapped me into a childrens' show if it weren't for the violence last night. Not to mention the feel i'm getting off the forest. It just feels... off. When I was a teenager, I woke up in bed to find myself choking. Also had a tall figure looming over me. The next morning, I found something out from my mother. Apparently I have an ability called Impasse, which is passed down from generation to generation. It's considered more of a curse than an actual blessing, seeing as how most people with it are considered schizophrenics and what most could see and feel drives them crazy anyways. People with Impasse can sense, or sometimes see the dead and feel what they feel. My case is seeing their shadows and feeling what they felt in their final moments of life. And my visitor that night was my grandfather. He was... crushed under a semi in an accident.

Changing topic though... It does seem to be getting genuinely lighter. Perhaps i'm getting close to the forest limits. That would probably be both a good thing and a bad thing I guess. Soon enough, I find a rope bridge. Nope, that shit ain't gonna fly.

Looking around, I see tree just tall enough over hanging the canyon.

*Sigh* "Better than nothing," I mumble. Reaching into my mobile workshop bag, I pull out my log cutter axe.

" Whelp, here we go,"

[{((O))}]

Four hours. Four hours of cutting that behemoth. Add an extra 2 for cutting it in half and making the planks stable walking ground for me. And if it's good for me and my equipment, then it could hold a grizzly bear family. After that, I went and continued my journey. If there was a rope bridge out here, then there might be some sign of civilization. A campsite, ranger station, Hell, ANYTHING!

Sooner or later I came across a river with a... Metro-sexual sea serpent?

Really? Really god? Are you seriously trying to pull this shit on me? Gonna have to get up a lot earlier to piss me off. Granted, I didn't have coffee this morning, but even then it takes a lot to piss me off.

I walked up to riverside carefully, ducking behind rocks and bushes to avoid being seen. This mutant is weird. Is he... seriously filing his fucking claws?

Nope. Not having any of this shit. I'm done with life. Go fuck with someone else.

I popped out from behind the rock, readying my mini-gun to get this shit over with before I hear an 'oh my' come from the dragon.

Wow, I would have killed a sentient mutant just because he was a flaming butt pirate. Would have been worth it though just so I could stop seeing that thing comb it's damn mustache.

" And what are you, a naked diamond dog?" He asked with a smirk.

Aside from the insult, considering the fact he's a... gentleman (Priss is more like it), I cleared my throat, readying my 'sir' voice.

" Good morrow to you old chap!" I cheeriod. " I'm a traveler from a distant land who's come to explore this nation and it's natural environments. However, It seems as though I've run across this here river, and I require assistance. Perhaps a big strong and magnificent fellow like you could help me across?" I ask

" Oh my, what flattery," He giggled.

I'm curious about when this guy got his nutsack cut off.

" Well, I suppose I could let you across. Just try not to chip any of my scales," He said happily.

[{((O))}]

After being man handled by gayzilla, I continued my path for finding somewhere to build up a more permanent base. I could ask the serpent if he could point me in the direction to the nearest town but... I don't wanna catch ' fabulosity syndrome'. Aside from questioning his sexuality, at least I think it's guy, although i'm not sure, He didn't seem half bad. He did help me save time by not making a raft.

Eventually, I come up to a big ass stonewall. Oh, and it was connected to a big fucking castle ruin. I began making my way around the castle to find and entrance. "Huh, hole in the wall. And I can fit. that ought to work," After shoving my ass through the hole like most would with a USB in a computer after getting frustrated, I find myself a nice walk away from castle doors. Fuck man, These doors were hard to push by my standards. And I once tossed an entire freshly chopped tree from my backyard woods like a hot potato (Pulled a muscle though, had to go to the hospital. Rule 18# Limber up). Well, I found the source of the dark feeling. This place is fucking oozing with death. Main room, which also happens to be the throne room, is a little beyond repair for my tools.

Taking a jog through the castle, I see one thing I just absolutely love when I bump into the Armory. Metal, Metal as far as the eye can. And a forge to work with. "SQUUEEE!!!". Admittedly, that was girly, but my training at medieval camp is going to kick in. At camp, not only was I the only one able to duel-wield two handed weapons effectively (Such as War hammers. I swear to god I put cracks in the earth with those), I was also unusually adept with forge work.

Unfortunately, I still need to move around the castle if I wanna know it better. Next room up was the treasury. Huh, whoever left was obviously in a hurry. In the middle of the chamber was a sizeable pile of gold coins. "Hubba Hubba, I'm eating steak tonight,"  I cheered with a grin. This is absolutely fucking amazing. I've got gold, And the forge. What else, a Library? Or maybe a mages tower? Jesus christ man, i'm honestly expecting to run into a dragon here. Jogging around some more I find more places (That were intact), a barracks, library (Kind of shocked I was right actually. the natives had a place for magic too. huh.), kitchens, dining room, food storage, Master bedroom (Although the sheets, pillows, and blankets were gone all together), and the courtyard.

Courtyard is apparently occupied by a mass of Forrest green scales and brown spines resting atop a horde of gems and gold... why are my expectations always right? I hate it. No, not the right word. I despise it. I want to slice Murphies' throat open and shit down his neck hole. And I just had Indian food last night. One thing I'll yell loudly and proudly. FUCK YOU MURPHY!!! Although, maybe I shouldn't disturb her. I say her because anything with a dick could tell you its a she. That and I suppose the eyelashes gave it away. I should do it though since I don't want future surprises. Then again... It might not be a sentient mutant. But if I do wake up and it tries to kill me, then i'm going to have to curb stomp an asshole i'm well acquainted with in life. Hmm, what should I do? Brain?

Meh, It would be wise to wake her up to let her know she's got neighbors. Also, could you drink that beer in your coat pocket please? It's taunting me and im starting to get sore.

You listen to brain and I will break out your dick with a crowbar. You know how hard it is to pass that shit through? ITS AS HARD AS THE FUCKING ROCKIES!!!

Whoa, kidney, just chill. I was just asking him if he could-

NO!!! FUCK YOU!!! I will take spleen as a hostage if this shit keeps up!!! Liver agrees with me too! If this shit happens one more time, I'm going on strike!!! You all are tearing me APART!!!

....About the dick breaking part, don't I have a say in this?

... Yeah, sorry I guess I was just having a bit of some pent up rage released. Im serious though, Im sick of Cervantes chugging whiskey like its tap water is all.

Not to mention sticking me in places I didn't even know existed whenever he's drunk. Like that one time at that farm in Idaho-

We will never speak of that again!

...Heart?

I say let her sleep. It would be best to keep the lady resting. After all, it is the nice thing to do.

Stomach?

Food.

Alright, My mind is made up. Now where's a big fucking stick when you need it?