Recollections of the Rhodes

Chapter 2

Hunt

Date: 11/24/2037

Time: Roughly Noon

Location: Forrest, Nowhere (Up shit creek without a paddle)

Cervantes POV

Looking around, I see a dead tree. Hmmm... ITS BULLDOZER TIME! I picked up speed and rammed into the tree with my shoulder. Oddly enough, It actually fell over, making a lot of noise in the process. I don't even know how I managed with my leg and everything. I really don't think ahead that often, just putting that out there.

"... mmm, who goes... there?" the dragon mumbled.

OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK!!! Please don't see me!

"And just what are you doing here little one?" She grumbled, obviously agitated with me.

O.K., Deep breaths in and out. After pussying out shaking like a leaf Calming myself down from being startled by her, I cleared my throat and spoke to her as I would a fellow drinking buddy.

"Hiya! Sorry if I interrupted your slumber here but I just came by to let you know i'm your new neighbor! Came by now so there wouldn't be any surprises in the future. Just letting you know i'll be around here often. I'll most likely be at either the forge, the castles master bedroom, Library, or fixing up any of the other rooms. Also, If you happen to be worried about that horde of yours, no problem, because I honestly don't care to much about money that much. If theirs anything your curious about, just let me know!" I Bellowed out. I hope things work out...

"And why should I trust a shaved gorilla like you?" She bellowed.

She just called me a... a... I think I like her already. That's the first time anyone has ever had the stones to insult me (Aside from drunks at the bar).

" Well if I have to prove it, How about I do a quest for you or something. You know, like maybe slay some beast or grab some gold for you or something. Anythings fine with me just so long as I don't have to harm any innocents," I reply after crushing the hearts floating around my head with a large imaginary rock.

"Hmmm... well... there has been another dragon who has been invading my territory recently if you could deal with him, I suppose I could let you stay at the castle... For now," She told me.

" No problem with me. Although, if were pretty much gonna be neighbors were gonna have to now each others names first. Ladies first." I reply with a grin, giving a gentleman bow to seal the deal. Remember the U.C.D. ? I got a masters degree in brown nosing.

"Oh my, what manners" The dragon giggled. "My name is... well it's kind of stupid," She blushed.

"Nonsense, i'm sure it isn't that bad," I speak with encouraging gust.

"Well my name is... Lily. I know, laugh it up. Such a funny name for a big scary dragon like me!" She bellowed, looking embarrassed as she tried to hide herself in her wings.

" Actually, I think that's a beautiful name," I speak softly, to encourage her.

She looks out from under her wings and blinks, looking surprised " R-... Really?"

"You kidding? You're named after one of the most beautiful flowers in the world. Of course its a nice name," I cheer her softly.

"Wow, thanks..." She giggles, and hides behind her wings again after blushing. You know... she kind of looks small for a dragon. She also sounds kind of... young. I honestly expected some voice flowing with age and wisdom from a dragon.

"Well... My full name is Cervantes Maxwell Rhode, Although you could just call me Cervantes," I inform, Trying to move along so I can complete my quest. " So, where is this dragon I've gotta evict?"

Collecting herself, she begins to debrief my first afterlife mission. "His name is Obsidian, and he lives at Smokey Mt.. He moved in recently, but he's been aggressive enough for all the dragons in the area to want him out. All I want you to do is simple. Get rid of him. Although if you convince the drake to move that would be great too."

Oh, so the neighborhood is full of sentient dragons. B-E-A-Utifiul.

"I'll do my best mam," I grunt and salute afterwards.

[{((O))}]

Upon leaving, I learned one last tidbit of information. Apparently the dragon is hibernating so this is going to be more difficult then I imagined. It is a little better though considering I apparently developed super healing after entering this world, which is going to come in handy since I have a knack for getting into fights. I honestly think that Lily doesn't think i'll survive. So I've been mountain climbing for a couple of hours now and as I get close to the final ledge I hear voices. However, they aren't exactly distinguishable. Deciding to reach the peak, i'm nearly thrown of by a red dragon flying off carrying a large claw full of gold... Was it that easy? Huh.

Looking back to the cave I see six.. small... colorful... horses? Nah, too small. Ponies, yeah, that's the right word. Well, best make myself known.

"Ahem," I grunted.

The ponies were startled at first, but when they saw me they went white. Except for the pink one, she was bouncing with a shit eating grin.

"So, you guys get rid of the dragon? Just to letcha' know, try not to take a mission from me next time, will ya? Ah well, I suppose I'm in your debt now. If ya happen to be in the neighborhood looking for me, don't worry, 'cause i'll just find ya," I spoke with cheer.

"What in tarnation..." The orange pony mumbled.

Oh this is going to be great. She reminds me of my sister for some reason too. Accent and hat must give it away I suppose. Then again, everyone in the Rhode family wears a stetson... I miss them a lot actually. I wonder how they're doing?

" What is that thing?" The purple one whispered to the yellow one.

" Oh! Oh! Oh! Lemme ask!" The pink one yelled, right before- HOLY SHIT! HOW THE FUCK DID SHE TELEPORT INTO MY COAT!?

" Hi, My names Pinkie Pie! I'm The Ponyville party pony! Are you some kind of shaved gorilla? Or maybe your one of those naked diamond dogs. Maybe that's why your wearing clothes! Whats your name? Do you like parties? I love Parties! *GASP* I haven't thrown you a party yet! Maybe we could- *pomf* Mmmpphh!?"

Sweet Jesus my head hurts. I ended up stuffing my only unsmashed sponge cake in her mouth. I'm probably gonna regret this later, but if it keeps her quiet for now then i'm happy.

" My name is Cervantes Maxwell Rhode, and my predatory senses tell me you are too full of sugar to eat, " I grin while speaking, making sure to show my canines.

*thump*... Apparently i'm pretty sexy if I got that white one to faint. Mainly because it's always the white ones. That apparently kicked blue into overdrive though. You know, these ponies seem familiar, if only I could put my finger in it...

"Stay away from my friends you monster!" The blue one yelled before... Flying my way?

Oh sh-*THWACK*

Next thing I knew? On a one way express to the ground. *Thump*. Huh, trains right on schedule. I bumble up and check my pockets to see if I broke anything. Only thing broken is... my... beer...

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I WILL AVENGE YOU!!!!!!!!

Brain obviously agrees. Aside from Planning how to rip that pegasus apart as slowly and painfully as possible the broken beer, everything seems O.K. with me. And apparently I landed right next to a path that leads... up... the mountain. *smack* 'twas the sound heard throughout all of the forest as face met palm. You know... they might take this path back...

[{((O))}]

After setting up the trap using vines, duct tape, and a muffin (What? They aren't that hard to cook over a fire using acorn batter). After placing the muffin on a plate dead in the middle of the net, I hid behind a tree and began biding my time. *crankity-THWOK*. Congratulations, you caught a wild pony! I move around the tree to find I've caught a... Grey pegasus. Shit, I hope she's feeling forgiving today.

"Ah shoot, sorry mam. You aren't what ah was looking for. Here, lemme get ya down" I bellowed.

"Heh, don't worry," the pegasus replied. "A muffin in the middle of nowhere is a little suspicious,"

Damn. Well she is right.

" So," she began. "What were you looking for?"

"Six mares," I hope I can word things right going human to pony dictionary " Ah was waiting for em' to come down from the mountain top seeing as how they punted me off a cliff. I'm just waiting so ah can get some answers for their actions,"

Now that the pegasus was out of the net I got a better look at her. ERMAGERD IT'S SO CUTE! THOSE EYES! I MEAN YEAH, THEY'RE A LITTLE FUCKED UP BUT HHHHUUUUURRRRRRRKKKK!!!!

"The mares you're probably talking about are the elements, and I don't see why they would do such a mean thing to someone like you" She replied with a hint of confusion.

I'm going to nickname her Wall-eye.

" Well we were just talking originally, but they flipped at the fact that I eat meat,"

I joyously bellowed.

" You eat... meat?" She whispered.

Wow, gulps really are audible.

" Ah course ah do, however ah don't eat anything that talks. And seeing as how I'm in a forest an' everything, i'm probably gonna be sticking to rabbits, snakes, fish if ah find a river, that sorta thing," I bellow.

" Well, if you say so... say, since you live out here, you wouldn't happen to know where a 'Zecora' lives, would you? She's a zebra, lives in this forest?" Wall-eye asked.

" Na, not really, seeing as how I only moved in recently. Although ah suppose I could help ya, " I Replied.

I Don't know man, look up. It's getting late.

Hmm? Oh shit. Upon looking up, I found the sun was setting... fastly... WHAT THE FUCK!? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? O.K. O.K., Deep breaths in, and out. In, and out.

" Heh, thanks... are you O.K.? " Wall-eye asked.

"Uhh... Yeah, I'm fine. I gotta get home soon, so let's try to find this Zecora, O.K.?" I Chatter through my teeth, trying my damnest to calm down.

" Alright... Say, could you share that muffin recipe with me? I'm curious about the ingredients. It really tasted good,"

After getting my shit together, I grinned. " Of course I will, why would I not share my muffins with the world?"

[{((O))}]

O.K., so I dropped off the pegasus named Ditsy (Although she preferred I call her Derpy for some reason) and questioning why the sanitation department hasn't come around to give this lady several write ups, I started hiking through the woods to claim my right to rest. I can get a good compass on it thanks to my Impasse, so i'm not going to get lost anytime soon.

"C'mon Twi, we've already been hear before," I hear a tomboyish voice say in the distance

... Wait, that voice... HUNT MODE ACTIVATE!!!

Pulling out my HS10's and filling them up with beanbag rounds, I went my merry way to play 'Deviously Torture the Homosexual Horse'.

After sneaking through undergrowth, I found the mares from before. I'm gonna trick them, so i'm gonna change my voice up.

" Hey youngins, you lost?" I mimic in an old woman's voice.

" Granny smith? That you? What are y'all doin out here? An why you out in the bushes?" The cow pony asked.

Oh great, I sound like a relative of hers. Thank you ventriloquism class I took out of boredom, this is going to be ten times better.

" Oh well you see youngin..." I began, and started rising out of the bushes. "I'm hunting you," I finished in my creepy and dark pedophile like voice.

The look of utter shock on all of their faces was priceless. You couldn't buy that shit with a sack of diamonds.

" I'm not really going to kill any of you, but the blue one over there is gonna get an ass-whooping for kicking my ass off the cliff earlier," I bellow, not bothering to hide my agitation.

" But... even an ape like you shouldn't be able to brush that off..." The blue pegasus mumbled.

" I brushed it off like it was no problem cause' you hit like a sissy " I replied with a shit eating grin.

" W-What?" The blue pegasus stuttered with a twitching eye.

" I'm saying my little sister can hit harder than that," I spit out.

That's cold hard fact actually. She's the only one I know that can take me out in hand to hand combat. Drinking contests too.

And I wasn't pulling back punches.

" Rainbow... " The purple one began with a scared look in her eye.

" One more time punk!" She growled.

" Well actually, if you really think you're tough I'll let you throw out as many punches as you want," I say, spreading out like I was getting ready to do a jumping jack.

" Grr! That's it!" She yelled.

Next thing I knew my chest was getting pattered with 'punches', and I use the term loosely since this felt like a fly was tackling a bus head-on. It just doesn't work out.

" Oh, hold on. Could you do my back?" I ask as I unstrap my light machine guns and mini-guns.

After turning around for her to get my back, which I must say felt exquisite, The purple one figured out now would be a good time to get information.

" I'm sure what she mean't to ask was, How the buck did you survive that fall!?" She questioned loud enough for me to feel a gust of wind on my face.

" Well to answer that, I'm not quite sure how to answer that. I suppose it would be a combination of extremely high pain tolerance and the fact that my bones are practically made of steel with my high iron intake from my food. Gotta love spinach for that," I reply.

" So you don't eat just meat?" She asked.

" Of course. If anything, I dont get enough of it these days," I replied.

" Whats you're name?"

" My full name is Cervantes Maxwell Rhode, Although you could probably just call me Cervantes or Mr. Rhode,"

" How the... buck are you... still... standing? " Skittles asked as tired as a high-way.

Get it?

" I just said it not two seconds ago. My bones are pretty much made of steel and I have enough pain tolerance to take a train head on. Believe me when I say it, it's happened before," I bellow with a jolly tune.

" Well... next questi-" she started before I interrupted her.

" Now hold on there miss, I haven't been able to get any information my self. I don't wanna be sitting here playing twenty questions and still be left in the blind. So lemme ask a couple questions to catch up, and after that we'll just go back and forth. Sound good to you?" I ask.

She sits there for a moment, pondering as if it would be worth it to her or not.

" *Sigh*... I suppose so. So go ahead and- " Howls had interrupted her sentence.

I was just about to get all of these ponies to safety before I heard a chainsaw rev in the distance.

" W-what's that?" The white one asked.

" I don't know but it sounds like- " I was interrupted by a familiar laugh. "... my brother,"

How the hell is Ulysses here!? Last I heard of him he went to Nevada. Well... I Suppose I should talk about my family now. Ulysses Stonewall Rhode. Mother died not long after giving birth to my youngest brother, Leonidas. Afterwards I had to take care of Ulysses, Samus and Leo. Ulysses was... not right in the head when he was a kid. Ever since he was in high school he's had a thing for blades... our dad's old chainsaw included. You would have swore that thing belongs to Paul Bunion considering how big it was. Although, other than his obsession with blades, Ulysses is quite charismatic, and can pull jokes out of nowhere like a rabbit from a hat. He's also been able to break physics somehow since he's always been able to pull shit practically out of his ass. If i'm 38 than that makes him... 27 now since he was born on Halloween eve. Wow, I'm getting old. I still feel like i'm 21 though. Last I saw him, he was around 6 ft. 6 in..

Anyways, next up is my sister Samus. Samus Wolfgang Rhode. That girl has got the power of a locomotive winded up behind her fists. She would be around 29 by now since she's born on August 9th. Last I saw Samus, she wasn't that far from my height at 6 ft 11 in., seeing as how the giant gene tend's to run in the family. She's always been the first one around the house to do things. First one to volunteer with moving the couch, first one to get rid of that mouse that keeps running around the house... and the first one to move out. She moved out south to Texas not long after hitting 18, talking about her dreams of being a cattle rancher. From the letters she's mailed, she's become quite a success after solving some of the money problems, buying the land and what not.

Then there's Leonidas, the youngest one in the family at 20. Leonidas Archimedes Rhode. We parted ways when he turned 18, me moving to Alaska to get some peace and him moving east to Rhode Island, oddly enough. He was actually the only one in the family who wasn't that keen on muscle. He was always scrawny, and only came in at 5 ft. 7 in., about average height for an adult man. What he lacked in strength came back in brains. Me and the others may have been the ones to do the heavy lifting, but if you're computer caught the Trojan horse or found a strange plant growing in your garden, he was the one to go too. Long story short, he gives Encyclopedia Brown a run for his money. He was actually the one to teach me how to make proximity mines. Last I saw of him, he said he was going to start up an electronics shop.

Then you have me, Cervantes Maxwell Rhode, you're neighborhood bad ass. Expert at the forge, gunpowder junkie, and heavy weapons duelist. My height is 7 ft. 2 in., And i'm 38 years old. I was the smiling troublemaker when I was young, but I picked my shit up. I ended up maturing, stopped partying, you know? Basically got my shit together around 20, which actually lost me a few friends. That really showed me who my real friends were. I was the provider for the family, Making sure food was put on the table. There were days where I had to scrounge for wild plants and hunt animals to do that. I even went without food to do that sometimes just so my siblings could have full bellies. And I started doing that at 18 so... you can understand I may have fucked up.

Well, That's about it about the surviving members of the Rhode family. Sure we've got uncles, cousins, aunts and what not, but they were scattered to the four winds like us.

Coming back to current events, I was trying to figure out how I was going to deal with Ulysses.

" You're brother? " Gem-ass asked with confusion and horror drawn all over her face.

" Yeah, we should be fine. I'm honestly worried more about the wolves than him," I grumble loudly enough for everyone to hear.

To prove my point, a wooden limb flew out from behind the bushes and landed in front of us with sap seeping from it.

" Oh mah god..." The cow pony mumbled.

You know, other than her, Star burst, Diamond Ass, and Skittles, I haven't heard much from the other two. And she's been just mumbling shit to herself. Don't know why, but I feel like somethings wrong with this...

... Why are you referring precisely to her ass?

Yeah, i'm in agreement with brain, every time you take a look at her I wiggle. Why's that?

Shut up the both of you. I can't deal with this shit right now. I'm trying to figure out how to stop Ulysses without making like a tree and getting cut down to size.

Just answer the damn question

Look at me man, I haven't had sex in seven years!

So what? Not a reason to swap species.

Lets just deal with this later, O.K.

Whatever, But this isn't over.

After... that, I heard my brother yell something that made me want to cook him flapjacks.

" TIIIIMMMMMMBBBEEEEERRRR!!"

" I'm gonna go get him, hold on guys," I bellow to the ponies.

Bumbling through the bushes and avoiding body parts, I eventually see the battle field. Sweet merciful fuck this place smell like a lumberyard. He was slowly tearing apart one last wolf before I put a bullet through the poor things brain to end it's misery. Ulysses ended up bumbling up and rubbing the sap off his face, startled for a moment before looking at me.

"... B-... Brother?" He asked, startled. " Is that... Really you?"

" Does a bear shit in the woods?" I bellow, making myself sound not to pleased with him. " What are you doing? If these wolves attacked you then I understand but for fuck's sake at least make it quick. They still don't deserve to suffer. This isn't you Ulysses, snap out of it," I continue more loudly.

He proceeded to look back at the corpses, then me, then back to the wolves before mumbling "What have I done?" just before he past out.

I proceeded to pick him up and his weapons, which included a chainsaw, a variety of throwing axes, A 357. Magnum with plentiful amounts of ammunition, and an M14 Assault rifle. Other than that, he wasn't carrying much asides from food, water, and some empty pill bottles of his medication.

Now with him in tow, I bumbled back to the group.

" Is he-?" Skittles began before I interrupted her.

" He's passed out, hasn't taken his medication in a while. I'll help escort you six to the edge of the forest, but after that, we part ways," I speak softly to avoid waking my brother.

" If he needs medication then he should come to the hospital," The butter colored Pegasus whispered. " If, that's O.K. with you,"

HURK! Adorable levels over 9000! I'm going to nickname her Butters.

I see a butt in there.

Shaddap.

" I honestly doubt you guys have the kind of meds he needs. What he has is more... mental anyways," I whisper back.

That seemed to all together quiet everyone.

...Except for god damned Star burst.

" So..." She began " Are you going to ask you're questions so I can have some?"

*Sigh* Fuck it. Why not?

" Well first of all... Where are we?" I Ask.

" You mean you don't know?" She whispered worriedly.

" I mean the forest. I know just fine with my special sense but I wanna at least know the name of where I'm going to be living," I whisper back.

" Wait, why would you want to live in the Everfree!?" She half yelled.

" Ssshhhhh!" I retorted. "To answer that, why not? Other than the animals and the dark vibe I don't see anything wrong with it. Looks about as normal as any other forest i've been too. I even found a castle I could hole up in without a problem. And as for food and water, I could get what ever the hell me and my brother need from the forest and setting up a purification system for water should be no problem. If I can get the forge at that castle to peak operation and my brother here get all the wood we need then I honestly see no problem repairing the castle itself,"

" But the clouds move on their own out here!"

"And?"

" The animals take care of themselves!"

" Anything else genius?"

" And the plants grow on their own!... this isn't convincing you, is it?"

" Not in the slightest. If anything, I'm liking this place more if those qualities are considered unusual. Mainly because it sounds a hell of a lot like home. But enough of this, i'm going to ask my next question. Since physics are obviously different here, what is the name of the world i'm on?"

" You mean you don't know?"

" You think I look a native?"

" But it doesn't make sense! Maybe your species was cut off from the rest of the world and your kind just evolved within a chaotic environment, adapting to it overtime,"

" How in the hell could a population of 6.9 billion humans hide in a forest unnoticed? We've practically destroyed our home planet! The last humans in existence are either on a neighboring planet in our star system called Mars, On our moon, Or empty shells of what they used to be, trying to scrounge in survival on the ashes of the place they once called home!" My voice must of risen because I felt my little brother move on my back.

" Big brother... are we home yet?"

" Sorry if I woke you up Ulysses," I say as I begin to lay him down at the base of a tree. " How you feelin?"

" Awful. Like someone took a bat and went Babe Ruth on my ass,"